Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[mlt8broken]

LilBear, I guess you're right so i'm trying to accept that fact. But its hard, rejection is very hard. 'extremely hard!' ;(

[adrummer]

I'm wondering if my ex gf is going to eventually come back. I'm almost totally over her, but it's bugged me wondering if her new guy is a rebound. We dated for 2.5 years and she broke up with me the week before Valentines Day. The day after she was already flirting with a guy she goes to church with, and 3 weeks later, they are together. She tried being friends, and I finally told her not to contact me again unless she wanted to work stuff out. That was 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from her since.

 

They are already throwing out I Love You's.......and she tells him she's so glad to have him in her life, and he's the one that's always been there for her? They've only been dating 3 weeks, and she only knew him before for about 5 months! She told me after she broke up with me no one understands her like I do and she needed me to be there for her when she needed someone.

 

She's going really out of her way to tell everyone how happy she is and how her life has never been better. So is this a typical rebound? I really don't see them working out because this guy is failing his senior year in High School, has no job, has no ambitions in life, and that is FAR from the kind of guy she really wants. I'm just wondering if she's going to eventually want to come back to me and realize how good I was to her and want to work stuff out?

[stevestr15]

Ok Zorbo and his wing-girl....disect my story.

 

I'm already familiar with NC as I read a book on it last week when I got desparate.

 

Anyways, I'm 23 years old. Been dating my gf (ex-gf) for 5 years. We met as freshmen and college and had a good relationship throughout college. We never had any serious problems except for the time I made out with a girl my final semester(which didn't cause the break up).

I was always the dominant one in the relationship, she was the servient one and extremely in love and passionate about me. Sure we had problems here and there but for the most part we both had a great time over those 4 years. We both just assumed we were going to get married and talked about it a bit but not a lot.

 

Anyways I went half the country away to attend a law school where I'm still in my 1st year. My gf is in her 5th year of college (and will need 6 years).

 

The first semester went fine. Then she got a boob job over Christmas break (about C's, she was flat chested before). She started goin out more...I got insecure, and I became needy. This lead to fights for about the next two months...a couple break ups and get back togethers. Of course, I begged to get back with her...and thus our roles in the relationship flipped. I told her how bad I wanted to marry her and told her I wanted to soon. (all this pushed her away more....but in fairness, she admits that she wanted me to get engaged to her really bad when I graduated).

 

 

Other factors are, I'm "her first."

 

So basically I became a complete wuss, she apparently became less attracted to me. And dumped me last week. I got the book, and I'm now 8 days NC. I'm pretty sure she's dating around.

 

I realize NC, gives me my best chance....but what are the odds with the long distance?

 

Issue # 2: Her birthday is next Thursday. Going by the book, I should just send an un-emotive text message like...."Happy Birthday. Hope all is going well" and leave it at that. What are your thoughts on birthdays so soon after NC?

 

Issue # 3: She has a non-refundable plane ticket to spend the weekend with me. Now, remember I haven't spoken to her in 8 days, and I'm under the assumption she's not coming, so this is more of hypothetical. What if she asks me if she can come? What do I do. Obviously I want her to come, but I can't let her think she's in control, which she would be, if she asked and I automatically said yes. However, I have to weigh this against the fact I don't have many oppurtunities to see her.

 

Also realistically, I know I can't undo the last two months of my neediness in one weekend. How would you handle this situation?

[vasilias]

wow Vasilias..thats a long post! I just read it right through though, and wondered how things were a month on? have you stayed in NC, and has NC worked?

 

maybe you feel different now and dont want him back? do you feel different now?

 

Hi - sorry havent been on here for a while.

 

Well its just over five months since we broke up and its been hell. Think i have probably got worse over the last few months and am seriously depressed.

 

NC was broken by my ex in early Feb when he texted me telling me he wasnt having 'a perfect time either' after he and his boyf had a tiff whilst on holiday. I didnt hear anything from him for another five weeks when he texted again to ask "whats wrong with me." After a couple of texts i found out he'd had another tiff and was also generally depressed. The following day he appologised and said he shouldnt have contacted me. We exchanged a few more texts and then it went quiet for a few days until he replied to an email i had sent everyone advising them i had moved house. He said he was surprised to have heard from me and went on to explain how he was depressed etc. After a long hard think i replied with a short but 'kind hearted' email but kept it off about us other than i asked why he was surprised to hear from me and i signed off the email with 'i miss you.' He replied with more about him and totally ignored everything i had said. Then two days later i get another 'sob' text from him telling me he was messing everything up with his new boyfriend, he was sorry to text me but he had no one else to turn to and reffered to ending his life. I was worried by that and so i said all i could which was the truth... he wasnt a saint but he wasnt bad person and if he was the f**k-up he kept telling me he was then i wouldnt miss him so much.' He didnt reply to that but the following day i sent him a msg beacuse i was really worried about him to ask if he was ok. He replied he was chilling out and having a laugh and must be on one of his 'high moods' and thanked me for asking. That was last Friday and I havent heard anything since.

 

I seem to only hear from him when he is feeling sorry for himself. I dont know why he contacts me. I assume its the old story that he wants someone safe to make him feel better and bost his ego. I dont want to be a door matt but i feel that he broke the NC and reached out... as much as part of me wanted to tell him that he brought it all on himself and yes he deserves all the bad luck i dont think that it would be constructive. I guess i feel that now i am in the position his new boyf was in once as the quiet voice in the corner making him feel better and maybe if he does things to anoy his boyfriend (it has to be said he can be very anoying but you either love him or hate him for that) and his boyfriend then snaps and makes him feel misrable and useless, then perhaps... just perhaps... the 'sympathetic' vote from me might remind him what he gave up. I hate playing games with people... but i genuinly care and love him and wouldnt ever abandon him if he needed someone (beacuse i am a door matt) and so if telling him the truth which is he was special and not a fk-up has a positive influence then thats something.

 

I can see the downside to what i am thinking from the above that it pro-longs the agony for me if nothing comes of it... however i wasnt healing or getting over him in the 3 months of NC between us and the only thing keeping me going is the hope one day it will all be okay. But i guess the point of this thread was Reverse Psychology... in a way the roles between myself and my ex's new boyfriend are reversed and im the one who can make my ex feel good he might perhaps begin swinging his effections back to me.

[vasilias]

and then ten minutes after posting the above message... we hear from him again

[whatadrag]

This is all so true. It's worked for me before. I believe you have to wait a few months for the new excitement phase in the rebound to wear off. Have contact with the X during those first few months maybe even a little sex. Then do NC or LC and act like you have moved totally onto new people and state how happy you are to the X. The X will usually say some nice things about the past and say back how disrespectful to you new GF or BF. It really makes them think. Low and behold 9 times out if 10 they will come back when there is the least bit of trouble in their new relationship. This process takes time....usually 4 or 5 months at least. It a game....but it works!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Here's an article you may find interesting about this:

 

link removed

 

I have become quite a devotee of Al's philosophies, and I think there is a lot of good advice in this short article. I am looking forward to my ex moving out of my house so I can put step 4 into full effect. I work on it now, and with her living 25 feet from me (she is in my guest room), it is not always easy for me to have minimal contact. In fact, in some ways I think it is pushing her more towards her rebound relationship because we haven't resolved all of our past issues and so we seem to keep getting back into conflict. So yes, I would say I believe in this reverse psychology. After she moves, she will have little contact with me (past the alimony checks) until she decides that she wants/needs the contact, and then it will be minimal.

[EyesOnThePrize]

To follow up on my last post. I think my ex realizes that I am serious about going NC and leaving her on her own to deal with her new bf. She seems to me to be initiating more and more contact with me to keep me in the picture/keep me as her backup plan/whatever. I won't give that to her. She wanted this "new life", she wanted this new relationship, then she gets to live with the consequences. She may find that things are great without me. Or she may find that they stink without me. If she does, and she wants me back, then she can pursue me again. She did that almost 10 years ago with great success, we'll see if she's up for another challenge.

[EyesOnThePrize]

My wife and I were together 9 years (married 7) and she started dating a guy 2 1/2 weeks after the divorce went final, which was only about a month after she asked for the divorce, and and they had been exchanging "I love you's" for at least a few weeks before that, maybe more. Your post hit me, because here's a few things she's said about him recently:

 

 

 

The next was a jealous post from her about someone who seems to like her new bf too mucy.

 

 

 

And on the same topic:

 

 

 

And his response to her was:

 

 

 

Yeah, this sounds like he had no romantic interest in her until a month ago. Its total rebound, he's there at the right time, and she ignores all of his flaws. She'll figure them out eventually, probably after I go NC. I love my ex, but I'll be happier when she's 1,200 miles away.

[hollybillero]

Please help...

 

I guess I am trying to follow the advice in the column, except there is one major difference. I am the dumper...

 

My boyfriend and I were together for over a year and I don't want to sound biased, but there were a lot of mistakes on his part. Including making out with other girls on our "breaks", keeping pictures of all of his exes around, not being supportive, harassing me because I wasn't a virgin.

 

All in all, it was a rocky year. He broke up with me almost every other weekend for the past year, but he always came back to me...

 

IN the past 2 months, I had started to reach my breaking point. I broke up with him 3 times in the past 2 months because I couldn't handle his behavior anymore. Finding more pictures of his exes around, him calling me the nicknames he called her, continuing to harass me about being a **** because I wasn't a virgin. (My number's less than 5, his is 10) The last being the issue he was particularly insecure about.

 

I broke up with him less than a month ago, and immediately he called and asked if we could "work things out." I said that I didn't think there was a way to...and he finally started to understand how much damage he had done. I explained to him I had the hardest year of my life, dealing with his antics and mourning the loss of my mom...and I think it finally dawned on him how much I was hurting from his unsupportive behavior.

 

Finally he moved into the "let's be friends talk," to which I replied saying "no."

 

After a week of this kind of talk, he told me 5 days after we broke up (While he was still begging me to work things out, be friends) he had started "getting close to someone" and I had to find out through Facebook of all things that he was dating someone else less than 2.5 weeks after the end of our relationship....

 

Needless to say, it hurts a lot. My friends said that I made the right decision letting him go...but I want him back. I also assume that he is in the relationship as a rebound because he is bitter, or just to spite me...but What is the best course of action?

 

I am NC with him because I don't think I can handle being friends with him right now, and I feel like I am the dumpee more than anything....

[littlej]

i think this man is to wishy washy. He is not a very stable person to be doing things like that to you. Hooking up on your breaks is disrespectful. A break is a break not an opportunity for a hookup. Just my opinion though.

[Daria_Lane]

Does Zorba still frequent ENA?

 

i'd love to pick his brain

[Daria_Lane]

Leave him be and dont let him know you even know about the new relationship. Ignore his facebook.

 

If he actually cared about the relationship, he would have wamted to discuss all that he did wrong and why you got to that breaking point but he didnt bother to (which is why you feel like the dumpee)

so I say let him go on his own, maybe when he sees that his antics isnt working on you he'll grow up and try to see their from your side.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I think you are dealing with it all admirably. Losing your Mum is a big thing, and if he wasn't being supportive and understanding that you would have been emotionally delicate then he's not a great loss.

 

Having said that, I understand your wanting him back as we often want the ones we couldnt have. Its reverse psychology at its worst!

 

To be honest, it sounds as if he has no empathy at all for you. Calling you names when youve slept with half the people he has the pot calling the kettle black, and especially hurtful when your already dealing with major emotional pain.

 

Dont feel ashamed or embarrassed about the people youve slept with. Im assuming you made a choice who you were with and not just drunken 1night stands, so you can be proud of your choices, including your decision to walk away from this abusive man.

 

You made the RIGHT CHOICE. You have been through a life changing experience losing your Mum. I know, I've lost mine too. You may even see life from a different perspective that is very difficult for people who havent yet had this experience to view.

 

You think you were the dumper, but if he was already on the hunt or hooking up with others then in fact you were the dumpee by proxy because his behaviour showed he had moved on, so you had no choice but dump him if you wanted to be left with a shred of self esteem.

 

I think his behaviour started ringing a bell, and you recognised the red flags.

 

I would go no contact, and give him the space he wants. He will never know he misses you if you dont go away, and in the meantime work on yourself, and love yourself. You genuinely seem like a nice girl. I think you will meet someone great, who will love you without accusations and drama. (and typically when you do, the ex will probably resurface!) but maybe by then you'll have the strength to say thanks but no thanks.

 

I genuinely wish you all the best, Hope x

[sexy_me]

Hey Zorba. i really like ur post..by the way what's NC or LC?

[npc24]

NC no contact

LC little or light contact

 

welcome to the club

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yes, original post is correct. It is classic game-playing, and games do work or people wouldn't play them so much. What we need to ask is do we want this person back who is only now attracted to us again because we are out of their lives and now pose a challenge for them in their hearts and minds???

 

I think its important to get their sense when they return, to know if it is only for the challenge or because they have found a good reason to return. Once you have your partner's sense, then I think you can work on strengthening the relationship. However, my thought is that unless we are dealing with partners with NPD or (as I believe I am) BPD or something similar, their reasons for returning are generally going to be that they realize that they don't like life without the dumpee as much as they did with the dumpee.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Landon7]

................

[sexy_me]

I need some advise..here's my story

me and my ex broke up last summer because of commitment issues and misunderstandings, after it he stopped calling me like NC at all..i kept on messaging him on msn and he was so cold..until i stopped messaging me and then one week later..he starts to message me in a very friendly way like nothing happened and he starts to talk about hot girls in his school and girls he's been grinding lately with girls in the clubs every weekend..i reacted defensively for a few minutes until i said that i was happy for him about his joy being with these hot girls and he just stopped talking...they day after it his bestfriend told me he talks about me here and there... i told myself that NC wud be a good choice for me cuz i would feel very jealous thinking about him and these girls.and its better for me cuz i would have time to get over him. five months later him and his bestfriend called ..they invited me to chill with them..so i said yes...when we saw each other he started hugging me and being affectionate ..so when it was just me and him in the end of the day..he started flirting until he kissed me in the cheeks..and so i kissed him back and from there we made out like we were back from our past. After that day i never got any phone calls from him..one month later i kinda found out that he was kinda flirting with these other girls..from there i felt upset so i changed my number quickly so we wont have contact at all..two months later him and his bestfriend found out my new number through my friend so his bestfriend tried to call me but i ddnt pick it up...one month later his bestfriend kept on texting me and calling me..i still ddnt pick it up..until he called me..i still ddnt pick it up..they've been hunting me down..

[Mustang]

But if they don't want to be with you, it's like NC is going to bring them back. I was NC for over a month. He never called or emailed once. C or NC, it just doesn't matter. If they love you, they will come back.

 

That is true. Although, in some cases the dumper may not come back if they think the dumpee's moved on. And what annoys me about reverse psychology, even if it does work is that the dumpee gives the impression that they're fine and they've moved on. That can be quite an intimidating thing for a dumper to go back to. Plus a dumper doesn't want to go back on themselves and often they will do anything to stick by their decision.

 

In my case, my ex has avoided me like the plague since she broke up with me. She said she wanted us to be close friends and she didn't want to lose me completely but she's never really bothered to contact me and she's never wanted to hang out. I've only seen her for ten minutes since we split by chance in a club. We got on really well and I was cool and calm. She seemed to be her true self again. But it's easier for her to hide behind texts and emails because I think it's her way of getting over me. I kind of believe that if she was over me then she'd have no problem being friends with me as she claimed she wanted to be. I think she's just worried about going back to something that obviously wasn't right. It wouldn't be that way but there's nothing I can say to convince her anymore so I gave up.

 

Gah. I hate all the game playing that has to be done.

[Romantic Fool]

That is true. Although, in some cases the dumper may not come back if they think the dumpee's moved on. And what annoys me about reverse psychology, even if it does work is that the dumpee gives the impression that they're fine and they've moved on.

 

Gah. I hate all the game playing that has to be done.

 

I 100% agree with you and right now am playing that same damn game! I wanna just ](*,)

[bepositive]

 

Since then I can honestly say I know how MENGMS feels – the heartbreak and feeling of total abandonment has been awful. ...you cant hide the rejection that after three and half years I was the lesser thing to loose than someone of three and a half weeks.

 

I know exactly what you felt, vasilias; I know my relationship had some rough spots and I broke it off with her because I didn't think I could give her what she wanted (posted on a different thread), but I grew and realized that I loved my girlfriend and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Hearing that she had someone new galvanized my feelings and drove me to propose to her before I lost her forever. She spent a month thinking about it, and ultimately picked the two months with him over the two years of us. However, I really feel that he's a rebound, and that we'll be back together.

 

I'll probably see more of your story further down the thread, but hang in there...

[George12]

The other thing i forgot to mention is that when all of this stuff went down I took her out to dinner and explained what the issues where and explained what we need to change in the relationship. I accepted what she has said and left on good terms with her. The question I have is NC will it work, and her B-day is coming up so should i remain NC.....

[bepositive]

The other thing i forgot to mention is that when all of this stuff went down I took her out to dinner and explained what the issues where and explained what we need to change in the relationship. I accepted what she has said and left on good terms with her. The question I have is NC will it work, and her B-day is coming up so should i remain NC.....

 

I'm going to be in the same boat soon, although my ex's birthday isn't for about 6 weeks. I just started NC over the weekend, so that might be a good amount of time to allow a quick "happy birthday" message.

[bepositive]

The basic reason they're not in love with you and are with the rebound? The fact is they are more sexually attracted to the rebound. They have more desire and excitement for the rebound. Simple as that. Now I know some will be saying that the split was because of their commitment issues/mother/friends/job/party phase/stress/distance etc etc etc. Yes they are some of the causes, but if the ex was still very sexually attracted to you and desired you on a basic level, they would stick around.

 

 

 

I think that the other factors can have an impact. My ex and I had an incredible physical connection, and she even admitted being more attracted to me than to the rebound. However, her urge to have a baby is overriding that, and this guy seems more safe in that regard.

 

Thanks for all of your other pointers, Zorba!