Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[spion_kop]

As others, I have read this thread from star to finish. It has taken me a while but it was a worth the read!

 

My story is similar but unique at the same time because I was using LC more than NC but recently started to use NC.

My gf and i were dating for 3 years. We met in our senior year of highschool and dated till i finished my third year of university. I was her first for everything. She had boyfriends before me but she hadn't kissed any of em. Till this day we didn't have sex because we both believed in waiting till atleast being engaged/married. We both tried to make sure that our relationship was not based around that.

 

I'll have to admit we did fight, like any couple would, but i just felt that she was very inconsiderate and failed to realize that even if she was wrong she would always try to "win" the fight. All of her friends AND my friends said that we were the ideal couple and other couple would look up to us and try to be like us. It took us about 4 months to say " I love you." I knew i felt it and it wasnt just the infatuation.

 

Last september she got a new job. Immediately from the get-go her coworker would continously flirt/hit on her. He would take her out to lunch, buy her things randomly etc etc. She use to tell me everything because we didnt like keeping secrets from each other. I warned her that he was getting too close, but I wasn't jealous because I trusted her. She said that he was just being a good friend and did that to every girl but she kind of realized that he was doing it more to her.

 

In my third year of uni, i decided that I was going to work really hard to improve my grades since they were slipping. So i decided to become a nerd and spend 6 days studying while 1 day with my gf. I pushed my friends and i prioritized my ex and school. I know bad move, made me look clingy. The thing is though, i never forced my gf to do anything she didnt want to do. Yea i loved her but it didnt appear as if i looked clingy.

 

In december she went on a trip with her two bestfriends and that day i promised her that i would drop her to the airport. Before I go on, i'd like to stress that we like about 20 minutes from each other, driving wise. It's two different cities but that didnt matter to us that much. The distance wasnt that far either. Anyways, the day that i was suppose to drop her there was a huge snow storm and it took me literally 1.5 hrs to just reach her house, another hour to reach the airport and 1.5 hrs to reach home. Before all this happened i told her that it wasnt safe for me to drive and that it was selfish and inconsiderate for her to force me to come. Anyways i ended up going..at the airport i was pissed and i dropped her off and left and didnt say goodbye. This tore her apart and she was the reason why her feelings for me started to die down.

 

Once she came back we patched things up and spent New years together. Everything seemed better until March. Her coworker took it up a notch and started telling her how beautiful she looked and how these songs remind him of her etc etc. I told her once again etc etc. At this point she was kind of being distant from me but wasnt spending time with him. I felt here is when the emotional bond with him started to develop

So in april of last month i asked her straight up why she was being distant and she said that her feelings for me were gone and that she asked what i wanted because she didnt want to leave me. I told her that if she didnt love me then she shouldnt be with me anymore. We were both crying and i was more affected than she was.

TWO days later, her coworker and her make out and he slept over, they didnt have sex since she is a virgin still. This guy is 26 but whatever age isnt a biggie once u hit 20. I knew what she did because i hacked into her facebook account. The next morning i called her up at work letting her know that she is a scum, a liar, and a cheat. Then i hung up.

 

I met up with her later that week and was calm and rational. I asked her what she did that day and she said that she just hung with a few friends, i called her bluff and told her everything. She started to cry and was shaking. I told her that i realized who she was and that not only was the trust gone but so was the respect. After i left i went home and did some soul searching. I decided to end things on a positive note and messaged her saying that I hope she finds somebody who can make her more happy than i did and can love her more than i can.

 

So in less than a week they hooked up and in less than a month they were official.

During this time I had little contact with her until i saw her last friday. I saw her and told her that i just wanted her to be happy even if it was without me because that is what i've always wanted for her. After that I gave her a poem describing what i felt during this time and how we couldn't be together in the future even if she realized because of the kind of person that she is See I dont know if this was a good move

I told her that it's best that we dont see or talk to each other anymore because this is where our journey ends.

Since then I've gone NC. Before i left she said "oh yea well you wont last a week."

She started to message me after two days but i deleted it and ignored her.

 

She fed me some BS that I was better than him and I knew her inside out and that no one else ever did before me. She says that her bf doesnt do the little things that i use to do even until our break up.

 

My question is, is that is this relationship with her new bf a rebound or is it for real? I don't want her back but I'm finding it puzzling. I don't know what the future holds but I'm not trying to control fate/destiny. I'm moving on with my life and enjoying the single life at the moment. My heart wants her back but my head is saying no and right now im using only my head.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hi Spion,

 

well, I think she was plainly and simply flattered and swept off her feet by this guy who is clearly older and more experienced at these things.

 

He obviously took a fancy to her at work and started his strategy of wooing her, and like a rottweiller with a bone wouldnt put her down. In the meantime, Mr faithfull puppy (you) was studying hard and basically ignoring her and putting play times on ration.

 

Its no wonder the other bloke seemed exiting!

 

She's already given you a hint about how she REALLY feels when she said no one else knows her inside out like you do. You think she was feeding you BS, but I actually think that was a peek into how shes really seeing this other relationship, and I dont think the grass is as green as you think it is.

 

If the NC is doing you good and making you feel emotionally healthier, keep it up, coz to be honest, I think this other relationship will go t*ts up when the 26yr old loses interest and starts hitting on someone else, and your ex will be back on your case.

 

could be wrong, but in my opinion from what you've said, thats how I see it.

[spion_kop]

Thanks for your response HSE. There are many things that puzzle me. When i last saw her before ending all contact, she kept telling me how I'm an amazing guy and how i did the little things that he doesn't do. In my head, i kept telling myself that it was bs. She said that I was a better bf but that she doesnt feel the same way about me.

 

She use to also tell me long before we broke up that she felt that one day we'd break up and then get back together in the future. I mean if you think about it, she is being pretty selfish and that is why i chose to end everything with her. I know that she's young and wants to see what else is out there but i find the manner in which she did it was disrespectful.

 

Since i went NC, i took her off facebook/msn/phone etc. Does anyone know any signs of whether or not she may want me back in the future. Right now I think she's head over heels with this guy, basically in their honeymoon stage, but i have a feeling that she will try to win me back. Anyone know what i should be looking out for?

[bepositive]

Spion,

 

I think she'll just have to contact you. My ex told me when she declined my proposal (after thinking about it for a month) that the other guy was "more of a soulmate, moving heaven and earth to be with me..." He was in pursuit, and knew I was in the picture, so of course he was. She's definitely in the honeymoon stage, and based on how hard it was for her to tell me "no," I know she still has strong feelings for me. In fact, she took a trip to see him that was already planned, and told me that on the way out there, she was trying to figure out how to tell him it was over. So, I really don't think she's ready for a relationship, and this guy is pure rebound.

 

If your ex is thinking about things like that, it's a good sign. But, we do just have to let them go. Hang in there, and if and when she does come back, make her show that she's grown.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Why would what she's saying be BS? you said that before, but she has no reason to feed you any as shes not with you and is openly with this other boyfriend. What shes saying is that she is feeling attraction for him and affection for you.

 

Its obvious she's attracted to him, as its him she's with! this attraction may not last because she is openly telling you she feels affection for you and you were a better boyfriend blah blah, but she's just not feeling it in the loins for you.

 

You can change this. When she thinks she cant have you she will see you very differently. When she realises your no longer a walk over, she will begin to respect you. Respect = Admiration = desire = attraction.

 

Work on yourself. If you want her back I think you can have her,but only when you begin to stop acting like a doormat and stop letting her have her own way all the time.

 

Dont worry or even waste your time thinking and dwelling on what shes doing with this other guy. The main thing is, whatever shes doing, its not with you. You will know soon enough when she's wanting you back as you'll hear from her I'm sure seeing as shes been staying in touch intermittently.

 

In the meantime start going out and meeting a few new people, who knows you might meet a lovely girl and not want the ex back!

 

hope this helps, Hope x

[spion_kop]

HSE, thanks for your input and you too bepositive. Ever since the break up and her hooking up with him after two days, I have actually enjoyed myself a lot more. This past week when i went complete NC, I've had a lot of fun and enjoyed my time with my friends that i wouldn't have if i was with my ex.

 

I told her straight up on our final encounter that this was it. Everything that bothered me had disappeared and for the first time i put my foot down, and i dont think she handled it properly. Two days after going complete NC from LC, she messages me asking, "hey u, what was the name of our child that we had planned? I want to keep it as a memory." I ignored it, and laughed at it because i believe she is trying to keep me in the picture while she was explore her single life. I deleted the message but a day later she messaged me again saying "Oh, i remmebered what it was, it's not like you replied anyways."

 

The first week of going complete NC has really opened up my eyes as to what i was missing in life and how i realized that you dont get to be single too often in your life so you must enjoy your life right now before you commit yourself in the future.

I think that's the best present she could have ever given me as now I put myself on the pedestal. To experience true happiness and true love you must experience the pain of being lonely and demoralized from the person you care about the most. I believe that you must hit rock bottom before you can reach for the stars.

 

The only problem I'm having is the possible attempts of her trying to win me back. It's almost impossible to be with someone that selfish. She gave me the whole 'ILYBINILWY'. I accepted it, but yet she tells me things that make me question why she left. If she said that i was the best and etc and dont compare to her current bf then why leave. That's what hurts me a lot along with her moving on quickly.

I've been going to the gym reguarly even before the break up but the break up had me lose 15 lbs. I know it's unhealthy but i take it as a blessing.

 

I just worry that her motives/mind/heart might change and then she'll think that she can just walk back in. Those are the signs i need to watch out for.

[EyesOnThePrize]

My ex and I are talking again, and I have to be careful not to tread on her new relationship, which is clearly foundering (although she has gone from "I don't think its working out" to "Its okay, I suppose" - not exactly a ringing endorsement either way). She's also told me she doesn't want to feel like she has to make a decision now (between him and me). Now, I've told her she doesn't need to make a decision now since I don't believe I'm ready for a new relationship with her, but the very fact that she would even be considering making a decision is not good news for the new guy. So, I'm in back-off mode, just letting that fall apart as it will. I listen to a lot of what's going on with her now (although we generally don't talk about the relationship, and if we do, I never put him down or criticize her choice) and do what I believe is supportive and encouraging to her, and have stopped obsessing about when they will break up. Its coming, but I don't want to do things to push her closer to him. Meanwhile, I go and live my own life (I met someone this weekend. and just live my life for me, not her.

[bepositive]

I listen to a lot of what's going on with her now (although we generally don't talk about the relationship, and if we do, I never put him down or criticize her choice)

 

 

I think that's a really important way to show respect. I think I'm a better match for my ex than her new guy, but the few times we've talked about it before NC, I've never badmouthed him because I understand that SHE likes him, and I would thus be badmouthing her as well.

 

After discussing my situation with a friend who has known my ex and I as a couple, we're a bit worried about her... Some of the circumstances of my ex's rebound relationship seem a bit weird, and I'm worried about her getting hurt by the new guy. Of course, I still want her to come back to me so we can work things out. I'm still being hopeful...

[EyesOnThePrize]

I think that's a really important way to show respect. I think I'm a better match for my ex than her new guy, but the few times we've talked about it before NC, I've never badmouthed him because I understand that SHE likes him, and I would thus be badmouthing her as well.

 

After discussing my situation with a friend who has known my ex and I as a couple, we're a bit worried about her... Some of the circumstances of my ex's rebound relationship seem a bit weird, and I'm worried about her getting hurt by the new guy. Of course, I still want her to come back to me so we can work things out. I'm still being hopeful...

 

Oh, I spent lots of time badmouthing the new guy (do a search on the boards for the word 'slimeball' lol) and that's changed now because before I was in the "don't go to him" mode and also very angry. Now I look at things differently. I want her to come to her own decision regarding him, without my views being part of it. He may actually have some things in common with her that I don't, and I think that what he doesn't have is character...but she's already figuring that out.

[spion_kop]

That's why going NC is best. It helps you to move on and it gives the ex time to discover for herself what is right and wrong. If your ex is better off with someone else even if u think otherwise, shouldnt you be happy for her? I know I would be. My ex is dating somebody else but if it makes her happy, then im happy for her.

 

All you have to do is keep your chin up and be confident about who you are, everything else depends on these two things.

[bepositive]

If your ex is better off with someone else even if u think otherwise, shouldnt you be happy for her? I know I would be. My ex is dating somebody else but if it makes her happy, then im happy for her.

 

Thanks, Spion, that's one of those tough ones to face. I do really want my ex to be happy, she deserves to have a wonderful life. I just want to be the one to provide it to her, because I know she would do the same for me.

[bepositive]

My ex called to check on me! I didn't have the phone with me, I was at a friend's for dinner. So, I'll call a friend for a pep talk before I return her call tomorrow. (Given our closeness, I think it would be immature to just ignore it.) Just like Zorba suggested, short and to the point, no talk about relationship, just that I'm doing well and dealing with it, and I hope she's doing well also. No "hanging out as friends" stuff.

[qwerty1984]

What about if the dumper is moving countries (3 hrs away) in 2 months time? Will the dumpee be able to easily do the "Do all the usual. Get fit, make yourself better, date others, get out, etc and actually move on. "

 

i'm not so sure.....?? but i wish!!

[R41N]

I pretty much just read all the posts in the thread, interesting theories and stories indeed.

 

My situation is pretty similar to alot of the posters here...

 

I am in a girl-girl relationship, and my ex gf and I ended our relationship on mutual agreement but I was the one who brought it up.

However, few weeks after, she met someone new and things kinda got serious between those two. I went in to the so called panic-mode and started to beg her to come back to me. Yeah it was pathetic... and that only pushed her furthur away and into the rebound's arms. Before they started dating, I ignored her for about 3 days (b/c i was a bit upset/angry over how fast I could be replaced)... then she broke down because she realized that she lost her best friend / ex lover (as in me)...she said she still cared alot about me and on somedays she couldn't stop thinking about us, so of course i apologized and went back being stuck in the friend mode with her. She started flirting with the rebound again.....I was her emotional stability, I was her comfort. To her the rebound must've been new and exciting so she started going after her....at one point she said I was holding her back and she wanted to see what's out there....

 

Now, me and my ex are in a long distance relationship. We see each other about twice a year because of college. She lives in canada, and I live in central America...so we are about several thousands of miles away. I can say that distance is one of the factor that caused our breakup. This new girl she's in contact with (aka the rebound)... lives even furthur away and they became offical 3-4 weeks after our breakup. They plan to meet up in california this summer...SO... bascially she jumped into a new relationship with a girl who lives even furthur away.... after our breakup she said that she is not going to get involved in another LDR but she did anyways. She said she would not fall in love that quickly but she did anyways. They are already exchanging "I love yous" while only knowing each other for no more than a month.

 

What's twisted was that during the days before my ex became official with this new girl, she kept telling me that "no body is going to be better than me" "you will always have a place in my heart" "7 years down the road, if opportunity arises we can together again"... basically tons of bs to make me believe that we still had a chance. In reality, she just wanted me as her safety net, someone to fall back on. While she's saying all this... she publicizes her relationship with this new girl.... it's sickening.

She says stuff like "oh this is fate that i met her, and she's mending my broken heart"...

sick. The day after they were official, I went NC. . . I don't want to be taken advantage of. . . I was really broken.... about 2 weeks later, she contacted me via msn asking how I was doing... and said that she really missed talking to me. I simply kept my distance, and responded her with cold short responses, such as yes/no/dont know/ok.

Then she got rather pissed.... and said "arent we friends? ...Well you know what, I'll just talk to you after a year. Take care".

 

hmmm... it makes me think, will she really contact me again after a year? or even earlier than that? I know she still have feelings for me... and i was her first everything. It'll definitely be hard to forget me. She wanted us to be "best friends" and then she started dating this girl immediately after our breakup... she made me feel guilty for not being her friend...but honestly, does she think I am stupid? Why would I stick around to feel even more depressed? And she also claims that she's not in a rebound relationship.... what do you guys think about our situation?

 

Do i have a chance? There is still a little tiny array of hope..but I've been on NC for about almost a month and I am really starting to feel better... and the thoughts of her being with another girl doesn't hurt me anymore..but i still think about her all the time...

[Luna06]

Zorba-

Your analysis and insight in that post were awesome, but now I have a curve ball for you. What happens when there's the additional complicating factor of the dumper dumping you for someone who dumped them long ago? (Person A dumps person B for person C, because person C comes back into the picture years later when person A starts getting serious about person B. Person A was dumped earlier by person C.)

 

I'm actually going through this situation right now. We were dating 6 months and were really getting closer and moving toward being serious (I was his first longer-term gf in three years, since he was dumped by his one and only college gf of two years), when suddenly his ex got dumped by her then boyfriend. My ex and his ex had always remained good friends and in close contact and shared many friends in college. She calls my bf up and tells him she's been redeveloping feelings for him over the past few months and comparing her boyfriends to him as a golden standard. He falls for it and suddenly finds himself having feelings for her all over again. She lives 1200 miles away. He decides to dump me and see if he can get back with her.

 

At first I protested and didn't think he was serious. I maintain NC/LC except when I see him with our mutual friends. Then within three weeks he tells me they are "kind of" back together. Now two months after our breakup, they're still in this weird kind of undefined zone, unless it's been called off altogether. No one really knows because he doesn't talk about her much. As far as I know, they've only seen each other once and it was in the presense of a bunch of friends at some kind of reunion. When he told me they were getting back together, I went cold turkey NC. I told him to leave me alone until I had established a real relationship in which I wasn't treated as a "backup." I go out frequently with our mutual friends but I never invite him. When he is in my vicinity, I ignore him. I don't go out of my way to say anything or interact, I just act like he's a perfect stranger.

 

Thoughts?

How does this kind of dynamic compare to the simpler kind (in which the ex is NOT returning to an ex)? Will my ex want to come back into my picture? I really wanted that in the first few weeks, but now I've readjusted to the single life and have done some work on myself. I don't know if I want anyone in the picture in the near future, but I'll be honest, it would sure be an ego boost if I knew he was going to try to come back. And if he was over her, maybe I would consider it.

[Luna06]

I definitely agree w/Zorba, but what if the ex dumped you for their ex?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Zorba-

Your analysis and insight in that post were awesome, but now I have a curve ball for you. What happens when there's the additional complicating factor of the dumper dumping you for someone who dumped them long ago? (Person A dumps person B for person C, because person C comes back into the picture years later when person A starts getting serious about person B. Person A was dumped earlier by person C.)

 

I'm actually going through this situation right now. We were dating 6 months and were really getting closer and moving toward being serious (I was his first longer-term gf in three years, since he was dumped by his one and only college gf of two years), when suddenly his ex got dumped by her then boyfriend. My ex and his ex had always remained good friends and in close contact and shared many friends in college. She calls my bf up and tells him she's been redeveloping feelings for him over the past few months and comparing her boyfriends to him as a golden standard. He falls for it and suddenly finds himself having feelings for her all over again. She lives 1200 miles away. He decides to dump me and see if he can get back with her.

 

At first I protested and didn't think he was serious. I maintain NC/LC except when I see him with our mutual friends. Then within three weeks he tells me they are "kind of" back together. Now two months after our breakup, they're still in this weird kind of undefined zone, unless it's been called off altogether. No one really knows because he doesn't talk about her much. As far as I know, they've only seen each other once and it was in the presense of a bunch of friends at some kind of reunion. When he told me they were getting back together, I went cold turkey NC. I told him to leave me alone until I had established a real relationship in which I wasn't treated as a "backup." I go out frequently with our mutual friends but I never invite him. When he is in my vicinity, I ignore him. I don't go out of my way to say anything or interact, I just act like he's a perfect stranger.

 

Thoughts?

How does this kind of dynamic compare to the simpler kind (in which the ex is NOT returning to an ex)? Will my ex want to come back into my picture? I really wanted that in the first few weeks, but now I've readjusted to the single life and have done some work on myself. I don't know if I want anyone in the picture in the near future, but I'll be honest, it would sure be an ego boost if I knew he was going to try to come back. And if he was over her, maybe I would consider it.

[jiangkejia]

sigh....after on and off for 10 months after breakup, i decided to go total NC, he didn't call me so I think this NC will be easier. And on facebook I just found that he is in a relationship with a girl. I am so crushed as he moved on so fast and so happy that he wants to declare his new relationship with a girl he met three weeks ago.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

sigh....after on and off for 10 months after breakup, i decided to go total NC, he didn't call me so I think this NC will be easier. And on facebook I just found that he is in a relationship with a girl. I am so crushed as he moved on so fast and so happy that he wants to declare his new relationship with a girl he met three weeks ago.

 

jiangkejia I feel your pain, its like a slap in the face isnt it.

 

I think the key to getting over someone is to just simply FEEL the pain, in full, of their loss, but not react or respond to it by contacting them.

 

Look at his facebook every day if you want to feel that stab in the heart and measure it by its diminishing impact to judge how your getting over him emotionally. Bear in mind this is a form of self punishment! but its what I use to really feel the worst pain and just KNOW that its the worst its going to get and the only way is up.

 

another school of thought and another one I use is DONT visit ANY of his online sites. What you dont know you wont worry over etc etc, and of course it goes without saying that you go completely no contact to give your head and your heart the best chance of healing

 

I seem to lurch between the two methods and to be honest, March is the last time I saw him, its May now and you know what? I'm doing ok. I still think of him daily but those feelings of longing for him much much less, and some days just gone. I dont think 9 weeks is bad for a recovery time really.

 

I actually have also been able to contemplate a future with someone else which would have been unheard of two months ago, so hang in there babes, your amongst friends and your going to be ok.

 

love, Hope x

[galaxy]

Do you think it can happen the same thing when a possible break up can happen in the relationship??

If somebody wants to dump the other person and the dumpee feels miserable and tells how much love this person feels for the dumper the dumper will feel pushed away even further.

But if the dumper is about to leave and the dumpee says goodbye good luck with your life, the scenario will be completely different ???

 

However I think when something is broken, nothing can be done about it, I think is something more to do with self-respect

[thejigsup]

Watch out guys! There is nothing ickier to a female than a guy on "relationship death watch". You don't have to tell us that's what you're doing, we kind of know, okay? When and if we break up, if we know that's what you've been doing (and we usually know) you're the last person we'd tell or go back with. It puts you into "creepy guy" status.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hi Galaxy, I'd love to be able to reply but I'm not sure I'm understanding your question?

[galaxy]

Hi Galaxy, I'd love to be able to reply but I'm not sure I'm understanding your question?

 

I think if somebody wants to leave you and they know you are there for them it gives them a feeling of confidence.

However if they tell you they want to leave and you say goodbye and good luck they won´t feel so confident and maybe more confused....

 

My question is if you suspect the other person wants to leave should you tell him how much you love him and try to talk and win him back or telling him I love you but I think we should take different ways...??

[bepositive]

Watch out guys! There is nothing ickier to a female than a guy on "relationship death watch".

 

Wait, what exactly is the relationship death watch? Thanks!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

I think if somebody wants to leave you and they know you are there for them it gives them a feeling of confidence.

 

yes I think so too, it allows them the comfort of knowing your on the back burner and waiting for them if they want to come back so it makes the decision to go easier I think

 

However if they tell you they want to leave and you say goodbye and good luck they won´t feel so confident and maybe more confused....

 

exactly.. reverse psychology! I think it kind of back foots the dumper

 

 

My question is if you suspect the other person wants to leave should you tell him how much you love him and try to talk and win him back or telling him I love you but I think we should take different ways...??

 

personally, if I suspected someone was definitely going to end it, I would pull away and say nothing. I would just do some things like going out with my friends without hampering what they were doing.

 

I think time spent apart can freshen up a stale relationship.

 

If they actually said they wanted to break up, I would say hey no problem, I was thinking of breaking it up myself. I wouldnt add too much to that statement, I'd leave soon after and go completely NO contact so they could really see what life's like without me

[galaxy]

personally, if I suspected someone was definitely going to end it, I would pull away and say nothing. I would just do some things like going out with my friends without hampering what they were doing.

 

I think time spent apart can freshen up a stale relationship.

 

If they actually said they wanted to break up, I would say hey no problem, I was thinking of breaking it up myself. I wouldnt add too much to that statement, I'd leave soon after and go completely NO contact so they could really see what life's like without me

 

What if when you pull away, he has the same reaction and pulls away even more until the distance is too big ??