I accidentally found something I shouldn't have ...

[Batya33]

Kalika,

 

I don't blame you and I would be grossed out too. Do you have any concerns about him being around his son?

[Kalika]

Yeah .. am I wrong to be grossed out by this? I am freaked out because of how he seems to proclaim skanky girls disgusting, and yet now he's chasing them around the web..??

[Kalika]

Do you have any concerns about him being around his son?

 

No, I think he would use good judgment concerning our son (ie not bring one of these girls around him) but if he decides to meet up with one of these girls for the weekend instead of seeing his son, I will be VERY angry with him. As in, friendship completely over forever.

[someguy88]

I'm so digusted with it that right now, I don't honestly think I could get away with NOT talking to him about it. I will gladly admit to snooping. I'm just afraid that if I do start talking, I'll just tell him what a hypocrite I think he is.

 

Honestly, I think he has the right to be more disgusted with you. I mean, you guys still care for each other, at least on friendship level and you feel no remorse about invading his privacy?

 

You said yourself that you don't want to be with him. Why are you obsessing over what goes on in his personal life? What makes you think you have any right to pass judgment on him?

 

If you don't like what I'm saying then I think you're rejecting reality.

[Kalika]

Honestly, I think he has the right to be more disgusted with you. I mean, you guys still care for each other, at least on friendship level and you feel no remorse about invading his privacy?

 

You said yourself that you don't want to be with him. Why are you obsessing over what goes on in his personal life? What makes you think you have any right to pass judgment on him?

 

No, I feel no remorse. I have known him for almost a decade and I know without a doubt that if he saw the same thing on MY email, he would have done the exact same thing. So would nine out of ten people here.

 

I'm not obsessing about it, but give me a break. If he's sitting there telling me that he's not sleeping with anyone else (and I don't even ask if he is or isn't, he just volunteers this information on a near-daily basis) then I think I have a right to know if he's lying to me about it.

 

As for passing judgment about the women he chooses, perhaps I am being a bit too judgmental and I have no right to discuss whom he sleeps with, but then he should also refrain from commenting when I do the same.

[Mavh25]

But he decided to look at these things on HER computer, in HER home, could he not hold out?

 

He has no right to be disgusted in her, she has only snooped on her own computer at something he's left there. He would of done the same, anyone would. Yes its not good to snoop, but still...

[Kalika]

I never understand why people bash snooping, but it's suddenly forgiven when they snoop AND find something.

[someguy88]

But he decided to look at these things on HER computer, in HER home, could he not hold out?

 

He has no right to be disgusted in her, she has only snooped on her own computer at something he's left there. He would of done the same, anyone would. Yes its not good to snoop, but still...

 

O please. By your rational, I have the right to open up mail that's not mine that accidentally gets delivered to my house.

 

Also, there's no proof whatsoever that he's lying about sleeping with other women.

[Kalika]

O please. By your rational, I have the right to open up mail that's not mine that accidentally gets delivered to my house.

 

Um, this wasn't mail that was accidentally delivered to my house. This was the equivalent of him bringing his mail to MY house and leaving it on my kitchen table.

 

Also, there's no proof whatsoever that he's lying about sleeping with other women.

 

Even if he's not, is what he's doing any better? I mean, can you be any more insecure than this??

[Mavh25]

Well if you read correctly you will understand that at first she did mistake this to be her own.

[someguy88]

Um, this wasn't mail that was accidentally delivered to my house. This was the equivalent of him bringing his mail to MY house and leaving it on my kitchen table.

 

Ha! Even still you have no right to read it.

 

Anyways, you've obviously already made up your mind that what you've done is okay, so I'm just wasting my breath.

[Kalika]

Ha! Even still you have no right to read it.

 

Anyways, you've obviously already made up your mind that what you've done is okay, so I'm just wasting my breath.

 

Err, duh. I didn't ask if I was morally wrong to snoop. I said upfront I have no qualms about my actions.

[someguy88]

Well if you read correctly you will understand that at first she did mistake this to be her own.

 

Wow! You guys really manipulate the truth to prove your case. I'm done with this thread.

[Mavh25]

LOL... Ok then, but anyway.

 

What's done is done, if you're going to talk to him about it, you need to do it for the right reasons, and at the right time. Try not to get mad =(

[BornToResist]

I wouldn't say anything to him. But next time if he comes over and tries to check his email, maybe then say no...and if he asks why just tell him he left it open last time and you don't want that crap in your house.

 

I don't think just because it made you feel weird that you have feelings for him. It's shocking to see what some people will do for a hookup. And to have a higher opinion of someone and see that they do it too...well it's disillusionment a bit I think.

 

I don't think you're wrong, I would do the same thing you did, but I don't think you should bring it up out of the blue.

[joesdragons]

keep in mind your shunting him... he still wants you but he seems to have admitted to himself that as much as he tries with you its not going anywhere. your jealousy is slightly selfish

[Aleadragonhawk]

Hmm. I don't think this is something that you want to bring up in person to him, but you might send him an email mentioning that he left his email open when he left and that you'd prefer it if he didn't bring that kind of material into your home. Then state that you don't want to discuss it further, and if he sends any reply emails, just reply that you have a young son and you don't want that type of material accessed in your home and leave it at that. I think it's important to have some kind of communication to him about this, because you certainly don't want your son seeing that kind of thing.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you should forget about it. Mentioning this will just cause friction between the two of you, something you do NOT need. He's probably just absent minded enough that he forgot to close it.

 

No big deal. You saw it, and now you should forget it.

[Ripples]

I'd find it slightly humorous if it happened to me ie "as his friend". In fact it is quite sad really. He sounds like a lonely man. I dont understand your disgust, did you not know this sort of thing happens?

 

Anyway, your concerns must only be your childs welfare surely!?

[Kalika]

Hey everyone,

thanks for the replies.

I actually got a call from him yesterday and he had realized that he left it open and that I must have seen it. I told him that yes, I had seen it, and he was very apologetic. All I said was, "There was no need for you to be doing that on my computer. I'm sure you could have waited until you were home."

 

He understood that and was upset that our son could have seen it.

 

Then I asked him to please refrain from bringing one of these girls around our son, and he was adamant that he would never do that.

 

I think my disgust has turned to pity. He started crying on the phone and said that he didn't want anyone else, he only wants to be with me and have our "family" back. I just told him that I was glad he was finally starting to do what he needs to do to move on. Then I pretty much ended the conversation.

[Ripples]

Poor guy.

 

I think you should try and make things easier for him to move on...

[Kalika]

Poor guy.

 

I think you should try and make things easier for him to move on...

 

I've told him that he can't hang out here any more. I don't really talk to him much now except to talk about our son. It's been like that for the last month or so. He's still calling me every night completely miserable because he's used to being here at least a few days a week plus having our son on the weekends. I told him he could pick our son up and take him out after work whenever he wants, but that he's just not allowed to hang out around me any more because having a friendship with him isn't working out.

 

I don't know if this is working though....

[Ripples]

Based on what you have said I dont think it is working. He is hurting badly. This email thing just shows you how low he really is.

 

I dont know the history of your break up but as it stands you appear poles apart.

 

I would say that you restricting visits to times when it is convenient for you both, will allow him the opportunity to move on whilst maintaining necessary contact with his son.

 

I dont believe you can be his friend because he wants more. You must respect this and limit his exposure/contact with you.

 

Its a tough one.

[Kalika]

Based on what you have said I dont think it is working. He is hurting badly. This email thing just shows you how low he really is.

 

I agree with you but besides limiting contact with him, there's really nothing else I can do about how "low" he is.

[Ripples]

I agree with you but besides limiting contact with him, there's really nothing else I can do about how "low" he is.

 

 

No there isn't. He just has to go through the pain and let go unfortunately. That process will be easier if he doesn't have access to your life.

 

Are you sure it is over for good?