He's turning 19, I am 25

[MargaretK]

I posted about this before but only got one response. I think my other title was lame and I rambled too much.

 

The question I have is not really in concern with the age gap its more to do with the actual ages.

 

I'm 25 and my new partner is turning 19 in two weeks. I guess I wonder if I'm in someway taking advantage of him and should be more responsible and not get too involved. Could he mistake his "love" for lust? Should I wait until he is mature enough to know the difference? Is that last comment self righteous and am I being a knob for undermining his intelligence and or feelings he has for me. I love him to bits he says the same...

 

I have had mixed reactions from friends and family. Some say "who cares... if it feels right... see how it goes" other friends say "don't go there... he's too young..." One shakes her head and acts disappointed with me etc etc I suppose I let the negative comments really get to me and now I have doubts.

 

(P.S I have been single for almost four years and I have a four year old child who he adores)

[Lana0120]

I don't think the two ages are a problem. All that matters is that you're happy together - don't let other people get to you.

[ButterflyWrists]

Its not the age that matters.. it's your feelings for one another..

tho do take it slow.. and not rush into things..

[brando]

Of course age matters. And in your situation I would consider it heavily. I guess you need to ask yoursel f what it is you are looking for. With a child in the picture a 18 turning 19 year old guy is a serious matter.

 

Does he have plans for college? A career? You realize he is just embarking on relationships, more mature relationships then what he has had. And he may not be looking for the mature relationship you are looking for.

 

He may not be ready for emotionally for a relationship with a single mom. He still has six years ahead of him you already lived.

 

Are you looking to be married, are you looking for a partner to share in raising your child. Even if you say no, this is what happens in a commited relationship with a child.

 

He may not even have a clue on what it takes to be part of a childs life, one in which he may become more and more responsible for if you two grow closer.

 

It may be up to you to let him go and live his life as a 19 year old lives.

I have been in this situation, and it takes quite a bit to sustain a relationship.

 

Do the right thing and let him go. FOr both of you.

[itsallgrand]

I totally agree with Brando.

 

On another level, I wonder what the appeal is especially considering you have a young child.

 

Sure, 19 year old guys can be 'mature for their ages', sweethearts, treat a woman well. But...they have so much less experience - LIFE experience and relationship experience and sexual experience (do think that is relevant, myself!) and are still kids in a lot of ways.

 

I don't get it personally. *shrug* Mostly, I think it's silly. But with a child involved, I think it is risky.

[JoeWho]

Sure you can click with people much younger than you and you can have a great time with them , but when it comes down to a relationship with someone who is only 18 or 19 they just have far too little life experience to be able to handle adult relationship issues.

 

I met a 19 year old girl a few weeks ago who I was extremely attracted to and we "clicked" very well also, but I just left it at that because I already knew how that would end had I ventured down that road.

[MargaretK]

Thank you so much for your responses. I appreciate the last three and will definitely mull over all that is said here.

 

I have talked and talked with this guy about everything you guys have said here. I have told him from the start that I will not commit to anything yet because of my son. I was going to go on a long spiel here but I am sure you will all get bored and my words could be misunderstood and time will be wasted trying to explain everything.

 

Brando, In relation to his "career" yes he has one. He is well prepared for his future financially and may retire in a few years. Don't laugh ( I did, but its true) he has a good head on his shoulders.

 

HE is actually wanting the full on relationship. I want it more than anything but cannot commit. I will not commit. I am freaked out about it. I tell him so. He is well set up for his future and all he wants now is to take me and my kid sailing and fishing and living in huts and building houses (thats sounds crazy but if I had a big spiel earlier you would understand...) We have a lot in common as far as lifestyle.

 

When we met he told me all about his year after school and what he does for time out and I was utterly speechless I couldn't tell him how I had done the exact same thing and was the same because I thought it was a joke. I thought he was pulling my leg. We want the same thing, the same future the same lifestyle.

 

He tells me he loves my son. He talks about wanting me to have his child when he is 28. I mean, he knows what he wants, he understands where I am coming from and is being patient and understanding and not pushing...

 

I'm very confused. How can you be so much in love but have to push it down and say "sorry, not now"..? Its so bizarre. Very strange feeling. It feels wrong but is that just society? It feels so right but is that just hormonal? haha

[MargaretK]

I totally agree with Brando.

 

On another level, I wonder what the appeal is especially considering you have a young child.

 

Sure, 19 year old guys can be 'mature for their ages', sweethearts, treat a woman well. But...they have so much less experience - LIFE experience and relationship experience and sexual experience (do think that is relevant, myself!) and are still kids in a lot of ways.

 

I don't get it personally. *shrug* Mostly, I think it's silly. But with a child involved, I think it is risky.

 

I know this will come out corny and "how many times have I heard that" but this young guy has LIVED a life. Much like me. I have been through the ringer and come out trumps. I have seen and endured more horrors but also more goodness in this world than many my age... and so has he. This changes you. You aren't like your peers.

[MargaretK]

Sure you can click with people much younger than you and you can have a great time with them , but when it comes down to a relationship with someone who is only 18 or 19 they just have far too little life experience to be able to handle adult relationship issues.

 

I met a 19 year old girl a few weeks ago who I was extremely attracted to and we "clicked" very well also, but I just left it at that because I already knew how that would end had I ventured down that road.

 

Sorry, I should have just quoted all of these in one post but... meh... anyway...

 

I have been in two long term relationships both with older men and they couldn't actually handle adult relationship issues either... So...yeah... just thought I might mention that lol

 

I don't think age is really relevant when it comes to those sorts of things. Maybe more like personality and compatibility or perhaps regardless of age some people just aren't good at relationships.

 

Just a thought.

[PhilliesFan001]

I don't see the ages as a problem. I was in a similar situation, but reversed. I was the 18 year old dating a 25 year old. Now I'm the 19 year old dating a 26 year old. Still going strong, still no age-related problems.

 

Having a child in the mix definitely changes things a bit, but if you two feel strongly for each other, if you feel he's a good influence on your kid, and if you feel comfortable in the relationship, what's there to ponder? Enjoy what you have.

[beauty21]

Well, when I was 21, I dated an 18 year old. And trust me, you don't want to go there. He was still in highschool(12th grade). He played entirely too much. When I got home from work, he would come over my house. When I get off, I like to go home and chill. Cook dinner, watch some t.v., and drink my beer. Then he would want to wrestle and I'm talking pinning my legs behind my head and everything else. One day, it got so bad, I was drinking my beer before I ate and he started playing once again and my stomach started to turn because I haven't eaten and I reacted by slapping him silly.

 

He got mad. But after that I had to let him go. Plus, he didn't have no job or money. I couldn't do anything with him. But this is just my experience.

[MargaretK]

Well, when I was 21, I dated an 18 year old. And trust me, you don't want to go there. He was still in highschool(12th grade). He played entirely too much. When I got home from work, he would come over my house. When I get off, I like to go home and chill. Cook dinner, watch some t.v., and drink my beer. Then he would want to wrestle and I'm talking pinning my legs behind my head and everything else. One day, it got so bad, I was drinking my beer before I ate and he started playing once again and my stomach started to turn because I haven't eaten and I reacted by slapping him silly.

 

He got mad. But after that I had to let him go. Plus, he didn't have no job or money. I couldn't do anything with him. But this is just my experience.

 

Did you not read my previous posts? Your 18 year old boyfriend sounds like a real idiot. Lucky you got out of that one.

 

I really don't think you can compare your situation to mine. The guy I am with doesn't just have a job he has a career he is set up for life. He cooks and cleans, bakes bread... Hes not about sitting on his * * * * watching TV or playing video games.

 

I am beginning to see a pattern to the more negative responses here and I am thinking maybe all is well where I am at right now...

 

See I feel you are all generalizing too much. This is not your typical fresh from school 19 year old. He has been working since he was 15 and with the help of his family has made a life. He owns properties, shops and boats. Rather than go to clubs and drink and smoke, he sails away and goes fishing and camps out on beaches in his four wheel drive for days on end.

 

I also think it was rather presumptuous of Brando to say "he may not be looking for the mature relationship you are looking for" It is very much the other way around.

 

I think people need to think more outside the box. Assuming this and that leads to misunderstandings and insult.

 

Maybe this is why I am here in the first place! Maybe it isn't so bad that I get involved with this person. Maybe its the narrow minded view society has on young men and single mums that needs to be quashed.

 

Young man not mature or set up enough (so far from the truth) and single mum desperate to settle down and find a father for her baby (C'mon, get real, what an insult!).

 

I came here for a bit of clarity because I am so confused about my FEELINGS. I can see where most of you are coming from but nothing extremely valid has been put forth yet as too many assumptions were made about my young friends situation and my apparent desperation to tie him down and ruin his life with my kid.

 

Thanks anyway I do appreciate all responses.

[mbird]

Margeratk, I am completely the same as your other side, Left school young, been working, always trying to save for my future ect. In the process of sending off an application fo the fire service. When all my mates are out geting drunk I'm at the gym ect. I no where I want to go in life and I would happily fully commit if I was with the right person. It all depends on the individual.

 

Go with what feels right, people are going off their own personal opinions, don't take it personally it doesn't have influcence on what you have. And it certainly doesn't change anything.

[MargaretK]

Thanks mbird.

 

I suppose what I want from this thread is to know that I am not in some way perverted for wanting or having feelings for someone so young.

 

I wouldn't take what anyone has said, so far, personally as none of what they said actually relates to me or my situation. Its all assumptions.

 

I guess I should have gone on that spiel after all haha might have given everyone a better idea of me and this guy as individuals and not "young immature guy" with "desperate single mother".

[PhilliesFan001]

Thanks mbird.

 

I suppose what I want from this thread is to know that I am not in some way perverted for wanting or having feelings for someone so young.

 

I wouldn't take what anyone has said, so far, personally as none of what they said actually relates to me or my situation. Its all assumptions.

 

I guess I should have gone on that spiel after all haha might have given everyone a better idea of me and this guy as individuals and not "young immature guy" with "desperate single mother".

 

You're not perverted at all. He's not a child, and truly, he's not much younger than you. Different life stages (POSSIBLY!) but you're 6 years apart. Numerically speaking it's nothing. It's not as if you're a 25 year old interested in a 12 year old. He's nearly 19 - next year he'll be 20. A grown man, so to speak.

 

I realize most older people look at those of us with "teen" in our ages as children and that is as ridiculous to us as it is to an "adult" when we try to prove how grown up we are. Nineteen year olds are not babies, they're not prepubescent, they're not middle schoolers. They're adults, period.

[MargaretK]

You're not perverted at all. He's not a child, and truly, he's not much younger than you. Different life stages (POSSIBLY!) but you're 6 years apart. Numerically speaking it's nothing. It's not as if you're a 25 year old interested in a 12 year old. He's nearly 19 - next year he'll be 20. A grown man, so to speak.

 

I realize most older people look at those of us with "teen" in our ages as children and that is as ridiculous to us as it is to an "adult" when we try to prove how grown up we are. Nineteen year olds are not babies, they're not prepubescent, they're not middle schoolers. They're adults, period.

 

Thank you and I agree.

 

I am meeting with my "friend" this evening and we have some things to talk about but I think we have a chance. I reckon theres nothing wrong with us taking things slow and maybe in a year if things are still going strong we can look into official relationship business lol

 

Thanks everyone for your input and advice I have taken all into consideration and given it all much thought.

 

Thanks again.

[Delia22]

I'm fresh out of a relationship and we are exactly the same ages as you. He was 19 when we met and I was 25. We clicked, everything was perfect, we fell in love and only noticed an age difference when we talked about pop culture. I had the romantic notion that age doesn't matter... and it doesn't, if you're both at the same stage in life.

 

My boyfriend was mature beyond his years, yet his definition of a serious relationship at 19 was different than mine at 25. At the end, he just couldn't give me the kind of time I needed... he still needed to do the normal things for his age, like spend 4 nights a week with the guys and party every weekend.. whereas, I was looking for someone who had more time for me. Every case is different, and you could be blissfully happy with this guy... but PLEASE just make sure you're at the same stage of life and that you both want EXACTLY the same things... otherwise, it could end in heartbreak for you.

[Adrian28]

My boyfriend was mature beyond his years, yet his definition of a serious relationship at 19 was different than mine at 25

 

And this is the exact reason why relationships between younger men and older women do not usually work. Men are just not as relationship oriented. A 19 yr old girl will be more so than a guy her own age.

 

I don't understand why older women try to establish long term relationships with 19 year old guys. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, a short term liaison. And when it is over, it is over. Don't expect anything more.

[The Outsider]

Go with it.

 

It's hard enough to find someone to fall in love with. Don't let a six year age gap between two ADULTS be an issue.

 

Besides, when he is 24 and you are 30 his friends will be congratulating him on having a mature woman while your friends will tell you how lucky you are to have snagged a young stud. When he is 30 and you are 36 people will just say "oooh a younger guy." And when you two get much older than that people will not even bat an eye at the age difference.

[antinomian]

In the end though, you seem to be okay with it and I he seems to be okay with it so whats the problem?

 

People will give you a hard time about it, don't worry about that. You can't make decisions based on other people's senses of what is right and what is wrong. Use your own.

[antinomian]

Like Outsider said, if you are going to be worried about how other people look at you, just remember that with time it could be more of a pro than a con to be with someone younger than you.

 

Go with it

[MargaretK]

Like Outsider said, if you are going to be worried about how other people look at you, just remember that with time it could be more of a pro than a con to be with someone younger than you.

 

Go with it

 

I think I will go with it, take it slow see how it goes. We have been "together" 2 months now and he is still very much interested in something full on. I am still erring on the side of caution...

 

...I don't want to tie him down, he knows that. We are taking it slow and talking a lot. It is good so far... absolutely brilliant even! Best, most open, honest and mature relationship I have EVER had! haha

 

Thanks everyone.

[Ekko]

I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 20 and our relationship together has been simply beautiful. It depends on the people and age DOES matter but how much it matters is what needs to be considered. . .

 

 

[Altruist]

MargáretK, I think there is nothing wrong with your relationship. As you describe him, he is mature and goal-oriented - something that even some men in their thirties are not. Don't let other people's opinions stop you from enjoying what promises to be a fulfilling relationship with someone that you really click with.

[selkie]

People change after 25.

If he were 25 and you were 31-36 I would say go for it.