What attracts a man mystery...sincerity

[everythingchanges456]

Any men have some advice on what men prefer as far as contact (who/when) when you meet someone new? I'm trying to understand how men think when it comes to dating and meeting women. Do you prefer to wait a week even though you really were attracted to her? Do you prefer her to prove to you she was attracted to you or do you prefer the challenge. Maybe it's different from person to person. I've always had an easy time in this area...now it's been a while and I feel lost.

 

Women if you have any stories of men you met and what worked and didn't please share if you'd like

 

thanks

[Tethys]

In my experience, men like a challenge, but they also like to know you are interested. Yes, I know -- sounds complicated, but you have to find a way to balance. You can't seem too uninterested, yet at the same time, you can't seem TOO interested. Lol... do you know what I mean?

[Batya33]

I know of only one serious long term relationship (and that is because it was reported in a major newspaper a few weeks ago) where the woman did more of the asking, planning and calling in the beginning than the man. In my experience - know and have been on dates with over a hundred men and throughout all my indirect experiences with girlfriends, men are flattered when a woman calls them to ask them out but the woman they choose for a serious relationship are those where they did more of the calling, asking and planning in the beginning.

 

Most of the men I know are turned off if a woman calls them before they have had a chance to call her where the ball was left in his court. It's not a gender thing - my women friends also would be turned off if they told a man they just met they would call him and instead he calls - particularly if he calls more than once without given them a chance to return the call.

 

Some men wait a few days to call but typically a man who is sincerely interested in dating a woman will not wait much longer unless he is out of town or otherwise cannot get to a phone. some men do not wish to call the very next day so as not to be seen as overeager.

 

The way I showed interest was by giving the man my phone number, smiling, making eye contact, being warm and friendly and saying something like "that would be lovely" if he asked if I would like to get together again.

[Daddy Bear]

One man's meat is another man's poison. Don't bother looking for a pattern.

[Tethys]

Batya33 gives some really practical advice. All I can say is that yes, in the beginning, my boyfriend was the one who got my number, called me, and then set up the date. After the first date, he didn't call me for FIVE days! I was ready to write him off when he called again. Turned out that he didn't want to call me too soon -- he was 'playing it cool.' He didn't want to seem too interested and scare me away.

 

When I found that out (much later, of course), I thought it was cute.

[itsallgrand]

One man's meat is another man's poison. Don't bother looking for a pattern.

 

This is how I'm leaning lately. Men have been confusing me because I've been trying to figure out how they work. Well, that's a lost cause.

 

I've decided to just go with what I want, and if he is cool with that and it works - right on.

 

The rest is too much work. What is he thinking? What will he do if I do this or that?

 

Forget it!

 

Especially considering how many men there are out there who are just as clueless as I; no way am I gonna leave it in his hands! lol.

 

Guess I'm saying, it doesn't seem to work when I worry about what he prefers or doesn't.

Here I am. Let's see what happens. I'll act honestly, and watch to see what you do.

 

Whenever I try to follow the general ideas of what works/what doesn't, I end up feeling like a turd and it flops. Not natural, so to say.

[everythingchanges456]

I agree but at the same time because a man doesn't know you ... if you seem over anxious you may turn off a good person to getting to know you. I'm trying to think of it with the shoe on the other foot. I've always been turned off my men who contact me too often....but now I've met someone and I'm regretting I didn't say "hey maybe we can do something this weekend" the night I met him...but I was sooooo nervous and trying to act cool and in control. Instead I think as much I did flirt ... I may have left him thinking I'm not as interested. I'm anxious to call him again but we just spoke last night and I'm going to try my best to wait until at least Tuesday or Wednesday to see if he gets in touch with me. Well hopefully I'll wait until Wednesday because he said he'd be away three days this week...I just wasn't clear if it was three straight days or if later in the week.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think with guys, I am starting to think and believe less is more. It's better to have them initiate contact and stuff. It helps to keep the mystery and aura going and to keep the attraction going.

 

If you give in too soon and show you are too interested in a guy, their interest dries up and that's the end of the show.

 

Yeah, it sucks!

[Batya33]

I don't think a woman has to tell a man that she would love to see him the next weekend in order to express interest. I've been asked out by shy men, by men who I was just casually friendly to, by men I was very warm and friendly to - if he is interested and available- including emotionally available - and you are warm, friendly and approachable he will ask you out on a date and you don't have to put it all out there as in "i would love to see you again, just ask." If he suggests getting together, you respond with interest as in "yes, that would be great."

 

I agree that a man who is interested or a woman can get the wrong impression if the other person is overeager or clingy. Especially in the beginning, interest can be vulnerable to the behaviors of the other person because they do not know you yet. I once declined a third date because the man called me at 11am, I told him I would call him back (I planned to, later that day - he just called to say hi) and then he called me again at 1230 with an anxious message as to why I hadn't called, whether I was still interested, etc.

 

I had been on the fence about wanting to see him and that behavior made the decision easy. If he was that clingy/insecure and letting it all hang out after only two dates I could see a long road ahead of having to constantly reassure him of my interest - not a good match for me. My initial impression was positive, the first two dates I had glimmers of insecurity - too much insecurity, that is, and those phone calls clinched it.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe the beginning is just always especially hard?

 

Knowing almost nothing about the person, we can only assume why they are doing what they do.

 

And you can't directly ask everything like with someone you already have some sort of relationship with - because that comes accross as weird.

 

I am beginning to think that dating requires a very special sort of mindset. Almost, like you need to be in your "peak condition" to get positive results from it.

Secure, open for fun and new possibilities, time on your hands without distractions taking a bunch of mental space.

[everythingchanges456]

I left it with him yesterday that I'd like to see him again. He said that we'd have to do that one night...go for I cocktail. He said you can pick the place. So do you think when he does call to ask me out I should politely defer to him to choose the place or just be decisive and choose.

[Batya33]

I found it fairly simple in the beginning - the men who were sincerely interested in dating me and available called me in advance to ask me out for dates they planned, usually by wednesday night for a weekend night. I accepted, we went out and if it went ok and he was still interested he would call a few days later or ask me out right then. Where it got complicated was typically where the man's interest was mediocre or weak. Otherwise no reading into signals or overanalyzing required - he called when he said he would, planned a date, etc. On each date, I assumed, in a positive way, that it was the last one - I had fun - and if he called again that was good!

[everythingchanges456]

itsallgrand you are exactly correct! what you normally would just ask or say without hesitation and would be taken as no big deal becomes weird / odd from someone you don't know ... or run the risk of it anyway.

[Miss M]

I agree you can't do a rigid formula for dating. Every guy is different, (and sometimes so is my own mood

 

I left it with him yesterday that I'd like to see him again. He said that we'd have to do that one night...go for I cocktail. He said you can pick the place. So do you think when he does call to ask me out I should politely defer to him to choose the place or just be decisive and choose.

Have you already gone out with him? If a guy left it like that (that I should choose the place the next time), I'd pick out a few ideas, and then put those out on the table as options when the subject comes up again. But if he still insisted the choice was totally mine, then I'd go ahead and choose. I would have already had a firm choice ahead of the time just in case, and then I'd just settle on that one. Some guys really do like to give the woman the choice on the second date, because they feel that's the most polite and fair behavior. If so, I just roll with it. I like having a couple of options just in case my first choice is something completely unacceptable to him (maybe that's where his last gf dumped him?) Yeah, it's a way of staying a bit flexible.

[everythingchanges456]

No I just met him Thursday night...we have never gone out. We spoke yesterday on the phone. I called him for the first time...(one text one call left a message) he called an hour later...for about 15 min said he had to call me right back and called back an hour later for about 10 min and thats when i said i'd like to see him again and he said we could go for a cocktail some time and I can choose the place and that he was going out of town for a few days. I've been itchin to call him again but suppose I should resist the urge.

[Miss M]

No I just met him Thursday night...we have never gone out. We spoke yesterday on the phone. I called him for the first time...(one text one call left a message) he called an hour later...for about 15 min said he had to call me right back and called back an hour later for about 10 min and thats when i said i'd like to see him again and he said we could go for a cocktail some time and I can choose the place and that he was going out of town for a few days. I've been itchin to call him again but suppose I should resist the urge.

Oh well, under those circumstances I would definitely recommend "resisting the urge." I dunno, but his comment about going out of town could be his way of letting you know you shouldn't call him, and that shouldn't expect to hear from him either. If it were me I'd just back off at that point and wait to hear from him, (and I also wouldn't get my hopes up, because there's nothing very solid so far). You've already let him know you're interested, and you've called and texted him. That sounds like enough, plenty really. If he's also interested in you let him call you the next time.

 

And hey, don't sit by the phone either. Go find other ways to occupy yourself. That would be my advice.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

someone whos real and isent about playing games

[everythingchanges456]

Good advice..and it is what I've convinced myself to do. He did seem very interested in me when we met. I just was more guarded because I'm not used to this...then after the fact was like a little school girl thinking about him. I'll wait until he gets back from his outting and hope to hear from him...I may call later in the week if I don't hear by then.

[everythingchanges456]

I don't think it's necessarily a game, although I agree it would be so much easier not to have to worry about it and do what felt right or what you wanted when the mood/desire struck. I think it's just that you are two complete strangers and since you do not know one another well....you may not realize the person who called you four minutes after you left the restaurant is typically stable and rational lol

 

I am in a much better place then I was last night. Last night I could focus on nothing else but wanting to talk to this man and arrange to see him again. I'm still feeling confused as to why if someone hits it off plans aren't made right away but I'll go with it and take my mind off the situation...hope for the best because oooh boy is he gorgeous and a catch! hehe

[Batya33]

Doing what "seems" right is hard when you are smitten because what can seem right is to keep calling when in normal circumstances you wouldn't behave that way because you wouldn't want to suffcoate the guy. That's why having guidelines and reminding yourself of them helps and helps you have a more restrained/discreet response to a situation involving someone you just me.

[everythingchanges456]

Thanks Batya...you are very right, thank you...it is very difficult right now when I'm smitten and I feel very outside my normal character. So in my shoes knowing my situation....what would you do...you know my story between both my threads.

[everythingchanges456]

For example ... there's a bad storm here and I know he is fishing this week ... I want to send him a message saying hope his fishing trip isn't ruined because of the bad weather and to be careful!

[Batya33]

That is something a girlfriend or good friend sends, not someone you met one time - and of course it is transparent - you are sending it in part as an excuse to make contact. What I would do is live my life and believe that if he is sincerely interested he will call you and ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance. You calling him either will have no effect on his level of interest or a negative effect - and I would think it would have a negative effect because it seems to be clingy to me.

[bubblyblonde11]

Am in a simliar situ at the moment, this all made for very interesting reading.

[ghost69]

One man's meat is another man's poison. Don't bother looking for a pattern.

 

so true. there is not standard to what women i find attractive or want to pursue versus the next one. each woman is different. but if she is confident in herself and can be sexy, that's all i need.