jetset

I am not quite sure whether this is the right forum for posting this question, but here goes. I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years about 6 months ago. The 1st month after that, I felt fine, then it was hell for about 2 months, then getting better. These days, I find that I rarely think about her, my ex is already dating someone else, I have met up with her a few times as friends to have coffee and chat, and we both felt fine about it afterwards. After this relationship, my main unresolved questions and fears are about being able to find a new meaningful relationship (some amount of insecurity, I suppose) and about what I want to do with my job/carreer/future/etc., but overall feeling better and more confident about myself and feel like the relationship with my ex is behind me. I go through the "what if" scenarios occasionally, but not much. About a month ago, I met a nice girl through a book group, and felt somewhat attracted to her. We've e-mailed casually back and forth about once a week and gone out to coffee twice. Last night, we had coffee (the 2nd time) and had a very long conversation (over 4 hours!) and it felt really nice. We have a lot in common, we both like reading similar books, like similar art, similar movies, etc. I think she's really interesting and I feel very comfortable talking to her, she's not pushy, just very friendly and sweet. We have not kissed or had physical contact other than friendly hugs. Today I feel confused, guilty, and a little afraid about this for some reason. I am not sure why. I am worried that she is the first person I have met after my ex, and I am worried that I may not be emotionally ready for a relationship right now (although, with some more time, I think we could have a "real" relationship). She is very genuine and I do not want to hurt her. I am not sure about whether I want to start looking for jobs in other cities, and I guess I feel guilty not telling her about this (although we do not have a formal relationship or anything right now). I would like to talk to her about some of this, but I don't want to scare her away. At a a minimum I would really for us to be friends! I would really appreciate any opinions or advice about this. I was thinking about telling her that I am currently in somewhat of a transition period, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and that moving from my city is a possibility me. As far as the "not being emotionally ready for a relationship" part, I would feel awkward bringing that up because we do not have a relationship right now other than as ... friends. I also feel awkward bringing up the topic of my ex, because so far we have talked almost entirely about our appreciation of literature, poetry, travel, spirituality, etc. and not much family/personal stuff. I was thinking about saying something like "you are the first person I have liked after my ex, with whom I broke up 6 months ago", but also seems awkward (what does "like" mean in this case? Does it mean more than just friends? Even I am not sure yet ...). I have told her that I enjoy our conversations and that I think she is very creative, but that's it. What I really want is for us to continue to see each other and hang out, talk, watch a movie, and just enjoy our respective companies (which I am certain we both do). But I can't shake this fear that I am leading her on, and I really don't want to hurt her or damage our current friendship. I feel pretty stressed about that, even though yesterday I felt great. She has mentioned that she has some insecurties/questions about what she wants to do with herself in the future as well, about how it is easy to be trapped in the comfort of the moment, etc., so I feel like she might relate to my current situation, but I am not sure. Please help.

I went through very similar feelings. I think it lasted for at least two months, maybe more (and although I am not completely healed, I am getting better). Here are some of the things I did to cope with it: 1. Always keep busy. This is difficult, but it's really important. It does not matter what you do: it could be scrubbing the floor, running outside, going for a walk, calling parents, calling relatives -- anything. Do not lay in bed and think about her or about what could have been. You really need to force yourself to do this, and although it is hard, you can do it. When you do these things, they might feel meaningless, but they are therapeutic. Think of it as taking a sour pill -- it will taste bad, but it will be good for you. 2. Let your feelings surface. I bought a book called "Chicken Soup for the Single Soul" and kept reading stories from it about people who have broken up or lost their spouses. Almost all the stories are very inspiring, or sad, or both, and I would cry as hard as I could to let my hurt surface. At first, I was worried that crying would make me dislike myself even more (for appearing weak!), but it's actually very helpful. Sometimes, when I felt blue for no reason, I was actually looking forward to coming home and doing a good round of crying, because I knew I would feel better afterwards. There are some sad movies you can rent that might help you do the same thing. 3. Meditate. Go to link removed (you will need "Real Player" to listen to the meditations). At first, these meditations would make me cry, after doing them for a while, they just made me feel better and more calm with myself. Do not do this (stay in bed and feel miserable). Either cry until you get bored, or force yourself to get out of bed and do something, anything. The reason it seems like you cannot move on is because your heart will take time to catch up with your rational mind. In your mind, you have moved on, but the heart almost always takes longer. I went (and I am still going) through much the same thing. Eventually, your heart will catch up, and you can help it along the way. Cry, feel as sad as you need to, then get busy with anything, then cry some more. You have to go through this cry/get busy phase. The "get busy" part might seem hard, simply because you have no motivation, but try to think of it as medication. Anything you do, no matter what it is, is medication, and you need to do it on a schedule, even though you may hate it or not feel like doing it at all. You will get through this!

If you feel like your feelings are taking over sometimes, then allow them to do that! I know it may seem scary, maybe you think that if you feel really sad you will never come out of it, but you will feel better after you grieve them through. I was in the same exact situation. We had some close friends in common, and after we broke up, some of those friends found it too difficult to spend time with us separately, so they ended up gravitating towards her (presumably because she either came accross as stronger/happier, or because she was a woman and they felt more empathetic towards her). I was pretty torn up both because I felt I needed the support more and because they chose her over me. In sum, I basically found myself almost without close friends (I had some close friends in other cities, but no one nearby). What I ended up doing is forced myself to go out and join some sports teams, meet with people with similar interests, and smile and laugh as much as possible. It was very difficult to appear happy when inside I was basically dead, but this has helped me both feel better and make some new friends. Remember that if you're sad and depressed, people can tell, and they tend to avoid you. Yes, it's cruel and unfair, and even though it is hard to force yourself to appear happy, it is good for you in more ways than one. I know, I felt the same things, I felt like I will never meet anyone as good for me as she was, and I felt like my life just didn't make any sense. When I thought these things, I would cry myself silly, and then force myself to go outside and run or go to the bookstore and drink some coffee and browse through magazines and look at other people. This is because your memory of her is still too recent. As more time will pass, you will feel better. You just have to trust this, it's as simple or as complicated as that. I never thought I would get better, but with every day that passes, I feel less bad and more good. I read somewhere that being in a close relationship like this is like a drug. When the relationship ends, you basically go through withdrawal from that drug. You want to do anything to just get another hit of the drug, it seems like nothing matters in life except getting more of that drug. People heal from addiction to drugs, just like you will heal from this relationship. Just give it time and take strength in the fact that your suffering will end someday. Grieving means having bad days and good days. They are not predictable, even if you have many good days in a row, you can still have a really bad day afterwards. You will realize you are healing when the bad days start to become more and more rare and the good days more and more common. That day will come and you will feel that much stronger when it does because you will look back at what you went through and say "I was stronger than that bleak despair I went through".

When I came into work yesterday morning, I saw my ex's car parked near her new boyfriend's car. This morning, I saw that her car had not moved. In the back of my head, I have sort of known that she's been sleeping with him, but I suppose I never really realized it per se. I am trying very hard to be happy for her that she's found someone and that she's (hopefully) happy with him. But this feels so awful. I feel like just laying down on the floor and going to sleep for a while to stop myself from hurting like this. Last time we talked, I told her that it was hurting me to see her flirt openly with someone else when I am around. She said that she did not feel she should take suggestions from me on how to behave in public. I sometimes wonder how it is possible that two people who were so in love with each other could cause each other so much pain. I have to try to go through today one hour at a time.

Hey, I can really relate to what you are going through. I have been in a very long relationship (6 years), and a month after we broke up, she started dating someone else at the same company where we both work. Here is my story: link removed , just to give you some context. I was especially surprised to read your "suffering pattern", because I found it to be very similar to mine. I have also spent a great deal of time reading books and boards like this one, and I have found it to be very useful. For me, mornings are by far the worst. I am having a lot of trouble getting up and motivating to do anything. Once I am up, I feel better relatively quickly. I have trouble concentrating at work, but somehow I manage to push myself to do it, and it is actually beneficial since it provides a sense of accomplishment and makes me feel better. When I get back home in the evening, I either make sure to have made plans with friends, or I go running outside. I actually dislike running as a form of exercise, but it invariably makes me feel better afterwards: exhausted, but also happier (it must be the endorphins released in your brain after intense physical effort). As far as how long it will take for you to heal, no one really has the answer to that. It takes different amounts of time for different people. You must believe, however, that you will heal. Everyone on these boards will tell you that, and they are right. For me, it took 3 months to detect the slightest change in my feelings. I am not healed, but I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, which is a huge improvement. You will get there too. It may take longer or shorter, but you will get there. I know it may seem impossible right now, and it feels like you are going through hell, but as Winston Churchill once said: "If you are going through hell, keep going". Be sure to allow yourself to grieve completely. If you feel like hitting something, or crying, or yelling, do that. Do not bottle those feelings inside, they are venom and they will come out sooner or later when you least expect it. Society teaches men to be strong and not display emotion, but in these situations, you can do a lot of harm to yourself by hiding what you feel. What you feel is not a sign of weakness, quite the opposite: it means you loved deeply and this is what happens when you release it. Feel free to PM me if you want, we can talk about this more.

OK, so I asked her out to something I was pretty sure she would also enjoy, but she was busy that evening, and here is what she said: I asked her to this the day before, so it is not entirely surprising that she may have made other plans. Nonetheless, I am now trying to figure out how to ask her to something else without really asking (coming accross as needy or always the person doing the asking). Should I just wait to see if she suggests something on her own? We are both busy (socially and otherwise) it seems. Thanks again for the advice.

I posted on this board a while ago about what I have been going through these past 3 months or so: link removed I have recently started to feel like I am slowly starting to heal and wanted to share that with everyone here. I saw my ex last week, after a pause of over a month during which we did not see each other and we did not talk. I was very apprehensive about it, because I thought my wounds would open up again and I would fall apart afterwards. I was surprised to find out that I felt OK afterwards: not great, but OK. Our conversation was stilted and not very positive despite the fact that I went to the meeting with every good intention I could muster; it is probable that we are both still reflecting unresolved pain and it comes accross despite our best intentions. Today, I saw her again with her new boyfriend(?). Again, I thought that I would fall apart (I used to get this feeling that a knife was cutting right through me when I would see her with him or when she would laugh nonchalantly at his jokes as if nothing had happened), and I was again surprised to notice that I did not feel as bad as before. I still felt a deep, dull pain, but it is nothing like what I used to feel before when it would literally crush me. For the first time in a while I am starting to wonder and think that I will get through this. I still have some trouble sleeping at night, I still feel empty and unmotivated, and I still feel pain when I think that she is sleeping with someone else, but I can only trust that it will pass. Our situation is a little different from other situations described here in that I initiated the break-up while she would say that she still wanted to fix the relationship. A month after we broke up, she started to see someone else and I started my slow descent into my private angst-ridden and pain-filled hell. Although I was the leaver, I ended up feeling betrayed and carrying a great deal more pain than she appears to have done. During our most recent conversation, she told me that she never really felt like we had great chemistry from the beginning; this statement, combined with the fact that she appears to have moved on so easily makes me wonder how much of what we shared in the past 6 years was real. I sometimes feel like if what she felt towards me was lukewarm, she should have had the courage to leave, instead of slowly bringing us to a situation where I almost feel like I had to do it for her. A good friend of mine told me that I am hanging onto a rope tied behind a ship; the ship is moving towards the shore and I must trust that it will get there eventually and not let go of the rope no matter what happens. Somedays, I feel like I am a broken TV set: most of the time, I see white, meaningless noise, and sometimes the image comes into focus and I can smile because I am able to see glimpses of what it means to be happy. Thank you everyone for all your advice, insight, and courage to share such personal stories with everyone here. I have spent a great deal of time reading about other people's experiences, and it helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone in what I am feeling and going through right now. To everyone who is feeling such unbearable pain and emptiness that they wonder how they can go on another day, please hang in there. Read these forums, read books like "Chicken soup for the single soul", watch movies like "The Fisher King", cry your heart out, make yourself some warm tea or hot chocolate, take a hot bath, and then force yourself to go out into the world, exercise, and smile. For the first time in a long time, I feel like not all hope is lost; this is something that was completely unfathomable to me even two weeks ago. You can and will feel that way too, in time.

Thanks a lot for the advice, I appreciate it and will post back with how it goes!

I met this girl at a book group about a week ago. She told me that she wanted to read this book that I have, so we swapped e-mail addresses and agreed to meet sometime so I could lend it to her. I thought she had a nice smile, and while we talked I noticed that she played with her hair a fair bit. During the week, we swapped messages pretty much every other day. She seems really interesting to me, I randomly told her I was thinking about writing some haikus, so she wrote me one, then we went back and forth exchanging haikus a few times, which I thought was fun. There was no flirting as far as I could tell, just being playful? We talked on the phone yesterday and met for a quick casual dinner at a cafe near where she lives so I could give her the book. We talked some more and it found more similar stuff we like. I was a little worried about coming accross as needy (I gave her a hug when I saw her, and I kinda regretted being so open after the fact), but overall I think it went well, I cracked some jokes and I think we had a nice time. Today she sent me an e-mail saying "I just wanted to say thank you for loaning me the book and for your company yesterday. I had fun talking and I enjoyed getting the chance to know you better. I hope you made it to your class on time!" I am a little worried that this happening fast and that I might turn her off (maybe I have already by being too forward yesterday?). I am also not sure how to reply to her e-mail (beyond saying "I had fun talking and I also enjoyed getting to know you better"). Any advice? I hate that I'm feeling so silly and nervous about this ... -jetset

Thank you for your answers and encouragement -- it does help to hear that, in time, things will get better, although it is simply impossible for me to see that right now. I will do my best to stay positive and trust that what you all have experienced does eventually reach closure. GainingStrength -- one thing you said in your linked post about how you were doing web searches for "dealing with a breakup" really struck me, because that is exactly what I have been doing recently, and it's how I found this wonderful forum. In some ways, I find that I do not recognize myself in these reactions and feelings. It is as if a different someone is surfacing when I feel this way -- someone who does not make sense "logically" speaking, yet is definitely there.

About three months ago I decided to end a 6 year relationship with my girlfriend. We lived together for the last 5 of those 6 years, and despite difficulties in our relationship especially towards the end, I always thought she was "the one" for me, that we would get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. We both shared many similar interests, philosophies, and I, for one, bared my very soul to her and allowed myself to fall in love deeper than I ever thought possible. For a long time, I felt our relationship blossom and grow. Although we both worked relatively long hours, we found it effortless to spend quality time together and do many things we both enjoyed. Although she was honest with me from the beginning that getting married and, in particular, having children was something she was unsure about, I always though that, as we and our relationship would mature and grow, this is something that would come naturally. This probably sounds backwards from the typical male-female gender roles go, but this is how it was: for me, family is very important and I always felt that I would want to share this important experience with the person to whom I am committed. About two years ago, I started to feel uneasy about the fact that she still felt undecided about getting married and having children. I was probably somewhat afraid to admit to myself that this uncertainty might really mean that she regarded the relationship differently from the way I did (with less intensity and commitment, perhaps?). I gradually became less emotionally available and more easily irritable. In turn, she progressively became more critical and blunt. We gradually stopped doing the things we both enjoyed and we both expected the other person to give an inch first. We buried ourselves into our own work. We tried counseling, which had limited (if any) utility for either one of us. In a way, I felt like we were no longer able to resolve our problems, no matter how big or small, which was a very corrosive thought to probably both of us. At the end, I felt like all my feelings for her died. We were roommates and perhaps friends, but little more. I started to feel very anxious, sad, had difficulty sleeping at night, and overall felt that what was happening was unhealthy for both of us. I decided that this could no go on, and that it must have been the end. For about a month or so after the breakup, I felt fine, I was able to focus and try to pull my life back together, I got involved in many activities around town and with friends, and overall felt happier and on the path to recovery. She did the same. After some more time passed and the negative emotional baggage accumulated towards the end of our relationship started to fade, I started to wonder whether our "new (happier and healthier) selves" could have another go at a new relationship, with fresh eyes and perspectives. Unfortunately, I learned that about a month after our breakup, she started dating someone else. We work at the same company, and the person she is dating is someone from work. I thought it would be somewhat difficult to run into her every now and then, but seeing her with this other guy is simply gut wrenching for me. We had a few conversations during which I got the sense that she was set in her decision to date other people and that her feelings for me were nebulous at best. She once mentioned to me, casually, that "when I have children, I will ...", which I felt almost like a knife thrust. In retrospect, my rational self thinks that this was probably the right decision for us. Unfortunately, I am having an terribly hard time letting go emotionally. It's as if the stronger and happier I feel, the more I second guess my decision to end this relationship because I am starting to find my younger, stronger, happier self who fell in love with her all those years ago. I am afraid that I may get stuck in a vicious circle without escape; I am also afraid that she maybe was "the one" and I let her go in a moment of weakness and I will never forgive myself for it. I cry often, I read many books and forums such as this one, I and try to let my hurt surface as often as I can. I sometimes experience the emotional pain in a very physical way, like a crushing weight or like a burning sensation everywhere. When I am with friends of family, I feel great, but the times in between are extremely difficult. It would help me to know whether others have gone through this dark, cold, lonely tunnel, and found light at the other end. Right now, I feel like my compass is broken and I have no idea whether or how to mend it.