SMP03

Hi. I think it's odd that I decided to look at your posting without knowing what it would be about, but this is EXACTLY...i mean exactly what has just happened to me. I had this amazing relationship with a guy who told me that I was an "island of light' for him. He said that his life was "pleasantly f~!@$ up" before I came along and turned things around. He had just gotten out of a relationship about 6 months prior to meeting me in which the girl had been cheating on him. I had just been coming out of a rough time in my life too (my father's sudden passing). He took me to meet his mom and introduced me to his best friends. He even admitted how naturally things flowed between us and that it had been a long time since things had been like that for him. Then he cut off contact with me with no explanation and when I finally did get to talk to him he said that he had fallen too quickly and had been hurt so much in his life that he just couldn't go through "losing someone he loved again." He actually said to me that no matter who he meets in his life, he'll always be left in the end. So I spent months busting my butt trying to prove to him that that was not the case with me. I know my advice won't even sink in with you now if this happened a few days ago. I know what it's like to be in your place (not doing anything wrong and completely confused as to why he just came out and did that), and truthfully, I'm just coming out of it. My guy had an extremely messed up past of being cheated on by girlfriends and having a rough family life growing up. And it's so frustrating, because I (and probably you too) knew that I would never hurt him because I loved him...and he saw that too, but never learned how to move on from his past. What was your ex's past like? How long ago was his last breakup before you? Have you talked to any of his friends? I really can't tell you what he's going to do, but people who seem to have never moved on from past hurts seem to never really want to change that. I found out too late from his friends that he has always been like this. Is it possible that that is how your guy is? Even if its only been a few days, don't risk your emotional and mental health trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. It is NOT you. As it is early on, I would say talk to him and try to help him to see that you are not someone who would hurt him, but don't push too hard if he is pretty fragile right now (as it seems). On the up-side it is good that he wants to be friends with you. Maybe that is exactly what he needs right now from you. And maybe that is the best way for him to build up trust with you. I honestly would tell him you want to be his friend and help him through his troubles. I don't know if I helped any, but I thought it may be a comfort hearing from someone in a similar situation. Stay strong and don't get too overwhelmed.

Thanks for replying! It's so hard when the person has other issues to deal with that have nothing to do with you and it ruins everything. I make realizations every day about this, and possibly, I'm lucky this guy happened to me because i'm learning and growing so much from it (despite all the excruciating pain i've gone through). I guess we are meant to have a few wrong people come into our life so we will be ready when the right person comes (but why can't any of these guys work out??). I know that in a few years I'll look back on this and not feel pain or regret at all, but getting through right now is so hard. You are right that my situation involved him not being able to make rational decisions. His best friend would tell me that he was nervous for him because he was extremely irrational. I realized that I really loved him unconditionally. When he showed me the least bit of affection, I clung to it and justified my continued affection for him with that. And he was so messed up from his past (believe me, he's had a messed up past) and he has never moved on from any of it, that I was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember him saying to me once that if I had come into his life a year from now, things would be so different ( I wish he had never said that!). I think he was using the fact that I adored and worshipped him so much to take his pain out on someone who just happened to be standing there. He knew he could do anything to me and I would still adore him (I proved that lots of times) so he took I guess I would say his "vengeance" against his exgirlfriend out on me by "cheating" on me and knowingly making me feel awful. I guess I'm not moving on quickly because I always wrack my brain with "what if I hadn't sent him that one letter" or "what if I hadn't called that one time". I feel like he sees me as desperate and annoying when all I was trying to do was show him that I cared. And sometimes he would appreciate it and care back and other times I felt like I was only annoying him. You said that it looks as though I'm leaning towards contacting him again because I haven't resolved this issue. Yes, it's kiling me that I'll never have closure from his side, but he has made it clear that he won't contact me. I don't want to appear desperate and crazy over him anymore. But then I'll think, well maybe I should contact him, maybe that will change things for the better. I think I'm also mad because that semester abroad was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to me. and I missed out on so much, (travelling, meeting other people, dating other guys that showed interest in me) because I was so wrapped up in him. I'm mad at myself for risking my self respect and mental health and I'm mad at him for not being strong enough and mature enough to leave his past behind him. But I KNOW that loving someone unconditionally is wonderful, but not if that love is not returend or it is only a "sometimes' thing. What's also so hard is that it started out perfectly. It was like something that only happened in a movie: love at first sight on BOTH sides. it was in my hands and then it was ripped away without warning. But I have to take this as a learning experience. I'll be the strong one who learns from my mistakes and moves on. And i guess I'll pity people like him that never move on and take out their hostility on innocent people! I'm incredibly inexperienced with love. I've had a good number of boyfriends and crushes, but nothing ever this intense. You seem to have more experience than I do. I'm thinking you're probably older than me too. Does love like that only come once, or can you fall in love this deeply again? Do you think he'll ever realize that I really wasn't pushing it overboard and may look back on me with fond memories? I'm not desperate (like it probably sounds) just trying very hard to learn from everything.

This really is a helpful thing to read. I am currently getting over a guy that took me on a serious emotional rollercoaster because he knew I adored and worshipped him. His problem was, he was so messed up from never moving on from his past that sometimes he adored me back and sometimes he treated me like dirt on the ground. Sometimes he talked about a future together with me and other times he would say how he can't move on from his previous girlfriend and that he thinks everyone will leave him in the end. I WAS sacrificing my self respect AND mental health for a chance to be with him. When he went into one of his "I just can't handle my life" phases for a long period of time (he doens't talk to anyone when he does this), I was so upset and scared that I would never talk to him again and, although I only called twice to see if he was ok and wrote a letter to cheer him up, I guess it pushed him further away and made me seem desperate. I finally wrote him a letter saying I did not want to feel that I was just annoying him every time I called or wrote and it wasn't worth feeling this awful, but I still wanted to be friends because we had been thru too much together. I think I was giving him so much attention and affection because he had declared 'everyone will leave him" and I wanted to show him that I would never be so cruel. I asked him to let me know if he got the letter, but nothing ever came back so I dont know if he ever read my "declaration of independence". He may still see me as pathetic and annoying. He never wrote back or called again. I still feel awful, but I know that this was just a learning experience. I guess the only reason I'm still not over it is because I don't know if he read that letter which said that I want to be a stronger person and that I do have self respect and maturity. It also bugs me that he may see me as immature, when in fact, he is not mature enough to see that everyone gets hurt and the only way to happiness is to MOVE ON. He actually emailed his exgirlfriend and blamed her for his hurting my feelings. I think what also makes me mad is that I was very independent before him, and was always very resilliant from relationships gone wrong. I don't know why that all broke down when it came to him. Maybe it was because he was an older man, maybe it was because it was my first time in love or because he was the first guy I was comfortable with sexually. But I think my learning experience is that it IS ok to love unconditionally, but not if it is not returned, or only a "sometimes" thing. Also, you should never become too attached to someone who is more dysfunctional than yourself! I hope I heal from all of it soon!

I'm 20 years old and a senior in college. Last semester I went to study abroad in the UK. While there, I met my "first love". We met when he was helping out with the new overseas students. About a month into the semester we went out one night because my plans with my friends got ruined and he was bored. We went out to a club and in a mere few hours fell head over heals for each other. We had both just come out of rough situations (for me, the sudden death of my dad, for him-breakup with his girlfriend of 5 years). I can remember kissing him one of the first few times and him telling me "It's been a long time" which is exactly how I felt. We spent some wonderful days and nights together, just talking like we already knew each other and just wanting to be physically close to each other. I had never in my life felt so strongly for someone and I never knew it was possible to fall for someone so quickly. He told me his life was "pleasantly messed up" before I came along and that I had really caught him off guard in a good way. Early on, he suddenly cut off contact with me. There was no explanation, no nothing. For a month I did not see him at all (except once on the street and he did not see me). Finally I saw him out one night and he came back to my flat to explain things. He said he still thought about me every single day but got too scared. He said I made him laugh and made him smile. He said he "couldn't lose another person he loved" (he's had a messed up family life, lost his girlfriend). I tried to tell him I was not like his ex-girlfriends and that we should just be having fun. He said he was seeing another girl but it meant nothing and he had already told her after that semester was over, that it wouldnt' go anywhere. I figured she was just "casual sex". He told me that after I go home, we should keep in contact as friends and visit each other and then when I graduate see where our lives are. I figured that meant we would spend some more time together. A few days later I saw him again and asked if he wanted to call me and he said "not right now." It turns out he was still seeing this other girl. A few weeks later we were talking about us and he said he was "starting to get attached to her now". But then right after he said he didn't see her that often and that he didn't have fun with her because her religious practice forbade her from going out to clubs and bars (which he loves to do). He said he still thought about me. Of course he then said that they had slept together and right after she told him he had just taken her virginity (is that sick to anyone else). So after a long, long talk and him cancelling plans with her (he said he couldn't see her after seeing me) we started to become very close again. We spent weekends together and it was so wonderful. But the whole time I wondered if he was still seeing her. But he kept telling me all these beautiful things like how I was like a "little island of light" for him and that I was so beautiful and such a nice person. He hinted at a future together. But then he invited me to spend my last week in his country visiting him at his home in the north. I went and it was the most joyful week of my life. We both could not stop smiling the whole time. He took me to meet his mum, introduced me to his best friends and took me to all his favourite places in his town. I remember telling him when I was leaving that I would see him in a little while and he said that he knew that. I will never forget the way he held my face in his hands and looked at me as though he was taking a mental picture of me. After I went home we talked on the phone a few times a week and wrote emails. I sent him a letter asking what was going to happen with us and he said he wanted to get his head together because he understood how much I wanted to know what my future held. Then the emails stopped and no letter came. I called him and he said he had seen his ex to get some money back that she owed him and that's why he hadn't been in contact with me but he was glad I called and it was nice to hear my voice. He said (without my asking) that he would get my letter out to me. I sent him a card to cheer him up. I called a few weeks later just to say hello and he was so depressed, and he had nothing to say. I sent him a letter saying that I was there for him and not to worry about sending my letter about his feelings unless he felt ready. Nothing came. No casual emails like before, no nothing. My final call was two months ago. He was still not happy, but told me he had found a job and that he would sort that letter out. I told him I just needed to hear the truth. He said he had just been upset all summer because he couldn't find a decent job and kept running into his ex and that he hadn't had a chance to think about us. That was the last time I talked to him. No letter came. No casual emails. He said he had been working and was not allowed to check his email at work and did not have the chance to send any for a month. The entire time after he cut off contact with me, I drove myself crazy thinking he was still seeing that other girl (I saw her name on a forward he sent to everyone on email). I cried so much and actually went so far as to check his email to see if she had written to him. I did not read any of them but had seen he was lying to me and had been sending everyone else emails. THAT is when I knew I had to fall out of love with this guy. I know he has some type of depression and it broke my heart I couldn't help him. But I still could not stop thinking he was seeing that other girl. I blamed myself for being too pushy (sending a card and some letters?) or not being pushy enough. I then sent him a letter explaining how I drove myself crazy and everything I had felt and that I did not want to fall out of touch with him but needed to get over him romantically. I asked him to write back to tell me that he got the letter. Nothing ever came. So I will never know if he read that letter, I will never know how he felt or what he thinks of me. I wonder if we were meant to meet each other and if the reasons I still have strong feelings for him is because it was not meant to go wrong. Do you think it is possible to miss your fate? I'm only 20 years old and am so scared i will never feel so passionately about anyone again and will compare every new relationship to him. He was the first man I opened up to sexually and was completely comfortable telling everything to. Has anyone ever been in this situation and recovered? help me, please! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I think about him all the time. It's been 2 months. Should I send him a casual email just to say hello and see what happens?

This story sounds strangely like mine! My boyfriend and I broke up not too long ago. I was working very hard at school and work and he felt I was not giving him enough time. He met a girl who was studying abroad in our country for a few months and he cheated on me with her. He stopped seeing me for a while and started seeing her. When I found out he cheated, I could not stop picturing him with someone else. He had the nerve to tell me he was "getting attached to her". Then after a few long talks we began seeing each other again but I really could not trust him. After that I could not take it anymore and had to tell him we could still try and be friends but I could not take anymore pain. He stopped talking to me completely. Now he is still seeing her and may move to her country to be with her. I know what the pain is like. So I don't know if its my fault that I did not pay enough attention to him and too much attention to work and school or if he was just not a good person for me to be with. Anyway, my advice to you is that she is only causing you pain. Tell her that you are not trying to pressure her but it's giving you a lot of pain with her postponing her final answer. When my ex was going back and forth I realize he was taking me on a rollercoaster and it was killing me emotionally. It still hurts now but I'm not feeling as much rage as I did before. Don't know if that helps, but good luck to you!

It's comforting in a strange way to know there are other people out there like me. I'm 20 years old and last semester (I'm a senior in college) met my first love while studying abroad. We fell in love with each other the first time we went out. I'll never forget kissing him for the first time and him saying to me "It's been a long time" which was how I felt. We had both just gotten through tough situations-his breakup with his girlfriend of 5 years and for me, the sudden death of my father. I had never felt like that for anyone-and so suddenly! He told me that his life was "pleasantly messed up" before I came along and that I made him feel new again. I had had my crushes and boyfriends in the past-but this was something completely new. He got scared early on because he is actually convinced he's going to lose everyone who comes into his life (he said that to me). So he cut off contact with me and I found out he started seeing someone else. We eventually got back together and talked a bit about a future (me moving back to his country after I graduate). We were so close when I left, but about a month and a half after I went home, his emails and phone calls stopped. I would call and he'd be very depressed and not like himself at all. Then the next time he'd be very up and telling me he was glad to hear my voice. The next time-he'd be depressed. I finally realized I was going crazy because he had me on an emotional rollercoaster and would not tell me if he still wanted to pursue something with me. I got paranoid that he was still involved with the girl he started seeing when he tried to cut off contact with me. I actually checked HIS email to see if she was writing to him! THAT is when I knew I had to start getting over him-so I wrote him a letter saying that we should still be friends, but I was going crazy and knew I needed to get over him, romantically. He never wrote back. It's been 2 months since I've heard his voice, and I am genuinely trying to get over him (reading moving on books, keeping myself busy, looking for someone new) but I still cry almost every day because he was the first guy I've ever loved and it still feels like this is wrong. He was also the first guy I opened up to sexually. I think about the good times I spent with him and I still get butterflies. I do try to not think about it, but it's just there. I still wonder if I'll ever speak to him or see him again in my life. And I'm still concerned about him (the whole depression thing). It's incredibly painful, and I feel like I'll never feel so passionately towards someone again and it scares me...I mean I'm 20!!! Another problem is that he never wrote back so there was never any closure. So hopefully time wil heal us all, and we maybe need to make new goals for ourselves that excite us. I almost envy those of you that are with new people. I want to find someone so much to heal me from this-but of course depending on someone else to make you happy is probably not the answer. Maybe I cannot really give advice (mainly considering I have hardly any life experience) but hopefully it's a comfort to you too to know that you're not alone!