catfeeder

I think both my nephew and my niece pulled that on me when they were that age, and I'd been a constant and loving figure in their lives since pre-birth. Don't react or respond. Reward kindness with kindness, but not over-indulgence, and when she turns a tantrum pretend not to notice. Focus instead on any other thing, even an imaginary thing, to feign an interest and call the other child or mother over to see it and discuss it. Addressing a tantrum with attention, even if it's negative, is a reward for the behavior. Better to just allow the child to miss out on your attention while lavishing it on everyone else while she's acting out. Sure, it feels lousy, but it usually plays out pretty quickly if you play it right. Head high, and I hope you'll feel better soon.

I'd stop playing. If she were to contact me again, I'd tell her, "I adore you, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You can go figure yourself out, and if you ever decide that you want to be 'all in' for a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best." This leaves your door open a crack even while it liberates you to grieve, heal, move forward and pursue your best life possible even though you're unable to envision that right now. Don't position yourself as her comfort blanket while she moves away from you. That's the worst place to be, as it keeps setting you up for additional breakups you don't deserve. Head high, and write more if it helps.

So, what's YOUR definition of a rebound?

The problem with setting yourself up as a rebound is that you'll most likely end up discarded as a rebound. You don't need someone else to tell you this. You have a calendar, and if someone's breakup of a long term relationship or worse, a marriage, is within a year on the thing, don't mess with that. Head high, we all learn from living.

This isn't about what anyone else thinks of casual sex, it's about how YOU define it. If you believe that the term 'casual' must somehow mean that you disregard your Self and your own safety and would place yourself in high risk situations with strangers who disregard you also, or worse, could turn dangerous or deadly, then that's an unfortunate definition. IMO, there is no reason NOT to learn a valuable lesson about taking up with anyone you haven't come to know well enough to trust with your safety, regardless of whatever label you want to put on sex with that person. Is there a reason you don't regard yourself as relationship material?

One of the most liberating things to grasp is that most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds, and it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. Great chemistry is rare, and it's supposed to be rare. The idea is to hold out for the RIGHT match, like finding a needle in a haystack, with someone who really 'gets you'. Most people DO make a decent companion for a couple drinks, so setting up meets with lots of people isn't a waste of time. When you find true simpatico with someone, you'll know it. Head high.

It's not possible to earn the trust of someone who comes in with a bias against trusting. There are two forms of jealousy; the kind that's provoked by suspicious behavior, and the kind that's already predetermined based on a failure to heal from damage in the past. The second kind is not relationship material. When you're crystal clear that your behavior is not provocative but you are continually challenged into the impossible position of proving a negative, that's not just a red flag, it's a giant neon sign of trouble. Unfortunately, I'd tell BF that I adore him, but I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to decide whether he will seek therapy to heal his suspicious bias against women in general, and if he ever reaches a point where he believes he can take a more trusting approach to commitment, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, this situation will not get better, it will get worse, I'm sorry to say, and you can research that.

My intent is not to be dismissive of your legitimate grief, rather it's to point to a productive direction of healing and learning instead of allowing the experience to cause you unnecessary harm. Learning inspires confidence in our capacity for better decisions as we move forward, while viewing our experiences through a lens of just happening 'to' us imposes insecurities and a belief that we are somehow at the mercy of other people's lousy judgment. So I'd find value in recognizing my own willingness to overlook all of the red flags along the way. A person's capacity for disloyalty toward a spouse being the biggest--it's a foundation of deception that you can't overcome. It's a giant neon sign that tells you exactly what's ahead for you if you mess with this person. Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too lonely or desperate to recognize a snake and avoid picking it up to play with it."

You do have the choice to decide how painful, exactly, this 'must' be for you. The voice we each run in our own head is our driver for which lens we choose to adopt, and which emotions we want that lens to tap. You might find it helpful to regard ex's outburst as a degree of insanity, and while it's unfortunate, you own the power to decide the degree to which you'll allow it to impact your outlook and your future. This is not to dismiss your legitimate grief, but rather, to turn your focus onto an outlook that heals instead of damages you going forward.

Your gut has been telling you to stop dealing with this guy. I'd listen to it.

Some people are under the mistaken impression that another needs to be a villain in order to justly parting with them. So they revert to the reptilian part of their brain, and they operate accordingly. If it's any comfort, he's likely to regret his behavior at some point. Make it your goal to be fully healed and onto building your fabulous future by then. Head high, you'll thank yourself later for moving forward today.

I don't understand the premise that a fully grown man should have sprung from the womb, fully formed, and without a sexual history. Or that he should be positioned to discuss his private sexual details with anyone. All adult relationships being voluntary, the only history we 'owe' anyone who we want to date would be a clean STD report and an honest account of the date of our last breakup and whether or not we are still involved with an ex. The rest is just noise and manipulation, which demonstrates unreadiness for a committed relationship. I'd break free and decide whether either person wants to try contacting the other in a year or so after viewing one another through a more mature lens.

Not only was he disrespectful, I wouldn't have stayed there long enough to have even discovered the messages and cheating. He already showed you his capacity for disloyalty by cheating on his wife, and usurping your entire life to be with him so quickly was also a mistake. But this is the part that would have sent me back home, pronto: That's the kind of gaslighting that would have opened my eyes--so the rest would have been undiscovered, and in hindsight, it's irrelevant. The guy was horrible, and you've dodged a bullet. The sooner you can grasp that, the better for your own head and future. Head high, move your focus forward, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

I agree with you. Have you discussed your point of view with them on this? If so, what was the response?

Maybe not 'over' reacting, but rather a delayed reaction? The first thing I'd ask myself is what would be the advantage for ME if I decide, NOW, that my ex was actually an assailant rather than just a jerk. I mean, he's already your ex, so I'd be thankful for that. Consider what you might hope to accomplish by defining the event as an assault, along with what form of action you'd want to take about it (if any). From there, you can decide whether it would benefit you going forward to view yourself through the lens of having been victimized, or would it help you to better navigate your future by viewing yourself as far more equipped to walk away from anyone who would mistreat you that way. Head high, the answers you choose are the right ones for you.

Do you resent your wife for not having sprung from the womb, fully formed, as an adult without a history? While most of us can look back on our youth and identify certain choices we wish we would have handled differently, what do you believe is triggering you, after 14 years, to start dwelling on this today?

My heart goes out to you, Ruede, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Considering how badly you feel about the grudge that shut you down to communicating with your family, I would take a step back from compounding that problem by stoking anger and lashing out. Anger is a natural part of grief, but it's not productive, it will set you up to behave in ways that you will further regret--and it won't bring your Dad back. Speaking only for my own beliefs, I found it helpful to consider my Dad as being liberated from his body and now able to be with me in spirit in my times of need. This helped to strengthen me in dealing with irrational members of my family, because I wanted to behave in ways that would make my Dad proud of me. I've considered myself a representative of my Dad ever since. I sometimes speak to him during private times. I've found my silver lining in my loss by making myself a better person rather than ruining the rest of my life with guilt and regret. I started by asking myself what Dad would want for me from this point forward. I began considering in every circumstance how he would want me to behave. Speak with your Dad as often as you wish, and relax into the love and forgiveness he would want you to feel in order to become generous with those who he also loved. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later. Big (((HUG))), honey. Write more if it helps.

Big mistake. That's a contradiction. If you were so okay with that, then why raise it in the first place? And neither is ANY work environment. It positions another for extreme discomfort, every. single. workday, from that point forward. She didn't exactly have a choice. You put her on the spot--she could not put that toothpaste back in the tube. You had no right to argue with her about this. You made her uncomfortable, and she had a right to tell you why. And if you don't back off and leaver her alone, you could find yourself up on harassment charges. Keep your love life OUT of the workplace. Period. You're learning why.

I keep re-reading this and still don't understand it. A 'replacement' tech got in touch with you to see if you were available? That sounds as though work was being extended TO you, not taken from you. Huh?

It's less about nerve, and more about wishful thinking. Friends and family hurt, too, when couples break up. They are often clumsy and offer predictable platitudes just as they do whenever someone is suffering any other kind of anxiety or grief. We're more likely to overlook clumsiness in circumstances like hospitalizations or deaths because we're not viewing those events through a detective-like lens of our own agenda. So is this the mutual friend your ex used as an alibi, and have you ever asked this friend whether he or she was where ex's MIA weekend time was spent?

Plenty of dumpers hold onto the comforts of the trappings they've enjoyed 'around' their ex, even while they move on from the ex. Be careful of the private agendas of friends. He or she might have intended to offer you comfort, but that was to comfort him or herself from your pain. Is this the mutual friend who you could ask about ex's alibi? And would you trust the answer?

I'd consult an attorney, and I'd use the phone as leverage when I serve him eviction. I'd tell him that I'll keep it on long enough for him to find another situation and move out, but if he gives me any difficulty before then, I'm cutting it off. If he leaves before eviction date with no problems, I'll keep the phone on for a week after eviction date so he can use it to find work. I'd also get him to sign something that absolves me of all phone charges beyond the monthly rate. Don't assign yourself the role of enabling a grown man. He'll step up to take care of himself when he's forced to, and you've been doing him no favors by allowing him to be your dependant.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, and my heart goes out to you. Be careful how you frame things, as you have the power to determine exactly how difficult this 'must' be for yourself. "I will torture myself..." is a self-fulfilling decision--but you have the power to make a better choice. Sure, a certain amount of regret is a natural part of the 'bargaining' stage of grief. (Reference '5 stages of grief', Elisabeth Kubler Ross.) If only I could change this one thing, the rest would have been perfect... but that's not even accurate. Most of us find a need to step into a 'bad guy' role to exit a relationship that no longer works for us. But rather than just saying that, this guy believed that he 'must' build a case to justify his position. So he reached for old stuff that you wouldn't dispute. Bottom line: all relationships being voluntary, nobody who wants to exit 'must' give an acceptable reason. The fact that he wants out is really all you need to know, because whatever his excuse, it doesn't change the fact that he wants out. Again, I'd caution how you frame this. Deciding that happier times were a facade is not likely accurate. He could have bolted years ago when the distance would have made it easier to do so. Long distance rarely works for couples who actually want to be together unless a solution to resolve the distance is relatively imminent. But some people are unaware that they don't actually want the resolution. The distance works for them, because they can keep telling themselves whatever story pacifies them even while they enjoy the freedom of living however they really want to live. The guy may have believed that the two of you would be together someday, but as long as that goal was beyond reach, he didn't need to challenge himself on whether he really wanted that outcome. Write more if it helps.

If I knew that a clean kitchen, especially dishes, are a trigger for my partner, then that's exactly where I'd focus my cleaning efforts. BUT this would be to learn whether such a focus resolves the problem of him acting like a jerk. Sure, the kitchen is a high traffic area where messes are obvious, and sometimes a person's anxiety can trigger them over the top. So I'd test whether partner's behavior is limited to a reaction to that. It's not a big price to pay if it's THE primary source of conflict. As for the rest of cleaning, I'd rationalize--if I lived on my own, how much of this would fall on me? Oh, ALL of it? Then I don't need to resent partner if I'm keeping the place clean to my own liking. If I find myself resenting partner for not helping, I'd back off on doing his laundry, and I'd allow HIM to pre-cook anything he wants the dog to eat beyond what I can just open and serve. I'd learn whether prioritizing the kitchen helps. If not, I'd discuss with partner that the way he speaks to me is not okay. And, if it doesn't change, we won't be having another conversation about it.

If you stay in this marriage, what do you hope will happen? He was disinterested in intimacy before, so what makes you believe that he will suddenly change into someone who cares about your happiness? While I'd seek advice from an attorney and I'd learn my options and the pros and cons of each option, as well as the best steps to take for each option, I would do NOTHING involving property without this legal advice. It makes no sense to sign over assets to someone who has already demonstrated that his interest in being your partner is limited enough to keep you unhappy.