Stephen Varghese

I have scheduled an MD visit. I'm trying not to feel hopeless but am doubting my ability to handle what I'm going through. I have decent days and really bad ones. Is there a way to get connected with good therapist/psychiatrist if MD is not able to give good referral? Anyone know of good books or other resources as well? Thanks. edit: I believe talking to my wife about it was a necessary part of the process. I did not do so in the spirit of blaming her. Just things that I needed to express.

Thank you very much for the responses. I don't want to ruin the marriage and it's not that I want to be with someone else (it's not a cultural thing either). I really just want relief from these thoughts and feelings. I would like to be at peace with the differences between our past but emotionally it's hard for me to bear. I've had a couple conversations over the past week with my wife where I opened up to her about how I feel. I felt so vulnerable admitting to my envy and jealousy, and she tried to be supportive and reassuring. I think talking to her helped some but it's also scary to uncover these emotions. My brain wants to repeat images of her with someone else, and it's just hard to accept her past relationship when I don't have my own to lessen the impact. I don't know what is triggering this now, maybe I've been so good at bottling up my emotions that I've never allowed myself to face the implications of her past. My brain is on an endless loop ruminating over this. Can barely sleep at night or function well during the day. My wife and I have a great relationship despite these weird last few weeks of me struggling to face reality. I wish I could be happy when she says it makes her feel special that I never dated anyone else, instead of being envious of that feeling. I wish I didn't feel resentful that she doesn't have to deal with thoughts of me with someone else. I wish I could just accept her past and let go of my own regrets. I'm trying but it feels like painful surrender and I worry if I'll ever be capable of it. So yes I feel trapped. I appreciate any feedback and it has been helpful. A lot of what you guys are saying I know is logically true, if only I could get my heart and mind to go along with it.

I was so painfully shy when I was younger that I could not ask a girl out. Even when I knew the girl also had a crush on me. That was until I was 20 yrs old and I finally got the courage to ask someone on a date. I dated her for several years and she is now my wife of 14 yrs. My wife dated someone in high school before she met me for about 2 yrs. I am having enormous difficulty with how unfair it is that she gets to feel really special to be my only one, while I am not able to share in this feeling. It feels so unfair and I am so envious of her. I think if I had also dated someone else when I was younger this wouldn't bother me at all. Or if we were both each other's first and only, that would be fine. I am in love with my wife, but I hate this envy/resentment that I have towards her. She gets to have me all to herself, while I have to deal with the thoughts of her being with someone else. When I think about it makes me feel almost sick. I felt these feelings in the past but shoved them under the rug. Now years later this is surfacing and I don't know how to deal with it.