lostandhurt

Sounds like you are place holder until her dream guy finally wants a relationship with her. She has told you straight out she did nothing wrong but you have plainly told her it is wrong to be messaging this guy that keeps trying to get in her pants. This comes down to boundaries, respect for the relationship and being faithful not only physically but emotionally. She obviously still has feelings for this guy and always wanted to be with him so she hangs on waiting till he changes and wants her too. I am sorry but she clearly is not going to stop and no amount of love on your part is going to change that. I think it is time to rethink how you view her. Lost

Day 25 No response from the 56 year old I messaged Saturday. She hasn't viewed my profile and may not even been on the site lately. I could check her profile as it shows the last time you were active but it really doesn't matter or change anything. A 61 year old woman sent me a like which I was excited to see in my email as they show their profile picture. I wondered how I missed her in my search as she is super cute. Checked her profile and she lives over 2 hours away by car. I sent her a nice message anyways as she has an awesome profile that is very well written and shows how much her life is similar to mine. Could have been a great match but 128 miles is a long way... I get what you all are saying about trying to meet someone during the holidays but it felt right for me to get back on the horse so I did when I did. It also gets my feet wet and gets me back in the groove for the after holiday rush where people want to start the new year looking for me 😁 Lost

I kind of feel like they have just thrown their bait out into the lake and just left it there and doing nothing else. I really don't know why they would not make an effort unless it is just a distraction for them or something. To be fair I don't think POF takes down your profile so if you let it ride it could stay up a very long time. No luck so far unfortunately but I have a great attitude about the whole thing. Thanks Lost

I have been incredibly lucky and dated way out of my league many times but I know my lane and have a humble opinion of my attractiveness. Swinging for the fences or at times swinging for the nose bleed seats has paid off and it is only some key strokes and a few minutes of my time so why not as you mentioned. I find it strange that I feel more of a let down if I do not get response from a less attractive woman I have messaged opposed to a really attractive woman. Expectations I suppose... Lost

Day 23 A woman liked my profile so I sent her a message. She is really too far away for anything but I thought it wouldn't hurt to send something. Quick messages back and forth and she acknowledged the distance is too great. Sent a message to a woman I really had no business messaging as she was out of my league but I sent it anyways. I figure it isn't my place to decide for anyone what they like or don't like. She viewed my profile but did not respond. No surprise there. Just sent out a message to 56 year old woman who is very athletic and active near me so lets see what happens. Crickets from the 45 year old of course. I have expanded my search distance in hopes of running across a profile I am interested in but not much luck. Checked out POF as well the other night. I have my profile hidden but I can search and read profiles. No one I was interested in that I hadn't already met or talked to years ago. Interesting enough they are still on the site using the same pics. Lost

It takes time to actually accept that the person you gave your heart to is really the person in front of you cheating. I have been through it but when I was where you are I was just like you in denial looking for a way to fix it. It looks like you are past that which is good so stay the course on getting everything you think of written down. Make notes and keep it with you always so you can revisit it often and add to it. Right now your head is swirling with emotions, fear of the unknown and betrayal so just accept that you might not be thinking as clearly as you would otherwise. She is cheating and the marriage is over so do yourself a favor and stop looking for clues to validate what you already know. It will just hurt you more with zero gain. Have you spoken to anyone legally yet? You might want to look into mediation instead of adversarial court battles. If mediation does not work you can always get a lawyer and go that route. Mediation can work if both parties are reasonable and the mediator make sure all the bases are covered and it is legal before it is filed with the court for approval. Keep posting Lost

Did you divorce or are you still married? Lost

So now the questions need to be answered. Not the gory details of her cheating and not even who this dude is (unless it is a coworker she sees daily) but the questions of why she chose this extremely selfish thing to do. She didn't just let it happen, she made a choice to do it. What lead her down that path? Why did she feel the need to have sex with someone else? If there is to be a way forward from this betrayal it starts with some very hard introspective thinking with brutal honesty on both sides, especially hers. She needs to be frank and straight forward with her thoughts and answers. Questions left unanswered will haunt you both until the relationship dies from them. The trust is gone and has to be rebuilt over time but if this is going to be saved you either take the leap of faith or you end it right now. Keeping tabs on her, punishing her, shooing away guys and all that is not your job, either you let her show you through her actions or it ends right here. Remember trust is built over time but can be ruined forever in a moment. Don't let your love for her blind you to who she really is. I know she feels bad about what she did but I also know you feel way worse. Do you have anyone you can talk to other than her about all the swirling thoughts and feelings you have in your head all the time? Lost

Yes she sent me a messaged this morning but nothing of real substance. I responded in kind and asked when she thought she would be well enough to meet for that drink we discussed. Whether she was sick or not is not my concern as I treat people with honesty and respect when they earn it so if she is jerking me around it is her problem not mine. The age thing is tough when you are out and about. I have been told I look much younger than I am so in IRL I tended to attract younger women because I wasn't walking around with a sign with my age on it like you do with OLD. As far as my confidence when approaching a woman I think my age gives me a lot more than I had when I was younger simply because I don't make it such a do or die situation and the importance to me is so much less thus I view it as a nothing to lose situation. In a room full of twenty somethings at your age I would scan the room making eye contact and see what I see. If they look at you like the creepy old dude at the gym that stares at them then it is time to call it a night but if you catch one or two looking your way when you look up then it might be worth positioning yourself in such a way to talk to them even if you time your visit to the bar or hors d'oeuvres at the same time to make a funny comment or say hi. Learning how to read signals is important. For example I was at a fundraiser and there was a young woman there that was exactly my kind of pretty that was helping out with the event. We made eye contact several times and I caught her looking at me a few times. She ended up behind the bar so I put my drink down and went to the bar so I could interact with her. I could tell she thought I was attractive but I didn't get the signals that she was interested for what ever reason, most likely my age but I put myself in a position to find out. I am not a jerk that just throws lines out there, instead I talk to them and pay close attention how they respond. Definitely going to events with a varied age group is best or something close to your age makes all this a lot easier. You are doing great so don't give up. Lost

Been cheated on and tried to get past it. Big problem is the trust was gone and she was not worthy of my willingness to try and work past the betrayal. She betrayed you, your relationship, everything you have built so far and might have built in the future because she was selfish and banged some other dude. Be sure of one thing, this didn't just happen, she had plenty of chances to step back and stop the flirting, stop the fantasizing and stop this guy from pursuing her but she didn't. Don't fool yourself into thinking she is in any way innocent in this as she is 100 % at fault. What has she done to figure herself out? She cheated so why? If she loves you so much then why? She needs to figure herself out BEFORE you even get anywhere close to getting past this or it will happen again and again. Heck this may not be the first time. Did she come clean or did you figure it out? Lost

Day 19 Well haven't reported anything lately as there wasn't much to report. The 45 year old I was chatting with and supposed to set up a meet with this last weekend went silent on me which wasn't a big deal to me as my life does not revolve around OLD. My last message to her was on Thursday to check in and see what her weekend was looking like to meet and I included my cell number if she wanted to reach out. Yesterday morning she replied that she had been very sick, apologized for not getting back to me sooner and inquired how my Monday was going. I just replied as I was super busy yesterday letting her know I am glad she is feeling better and then went on to let her know some of how my Monday went and left it at that. Feels like a time waster to me but a few key strokes on my part when I feel like it is no big deal just in case. Received some more likes and messages but no one I am interested in once again. Spent over an hour looking through profiles with not much luck which got me thinking signing up for 3 months on Match may have been overly optimistic on my part but I will ride the ride I have tickets for until it stops. Two women that had messaged me previously sent me another message, not sure why unless they forgot they had messaged me before. I did receive a like from a woman I was excited to read her profile but when I did I quickly realized we definitely were not a match. and so it goes... Lost

Fantom, It doesn't seem like or feel like a good thing but every time she steps out it is. You are home free to go through all your finances and make lists, go through the last few years taxes to make notes on incomes, research home values in your area to see how much equity you have and most of all spend quality time with your son. I was in a similar situation many years ago and yes I didn't like it and wanted to punish her but instead I stayed calm and planned, made copies, calculated and yes even schemed to make sure I could steer the divorce for the best possible outcome for myself and my son. That time spent paid off huge! You see divorce is a legal negotiation but if you are upset, holding a grudge and want retribution while negotiating you loose sight of the long term goals and end up settling for short term satisfaction. Be smart, stay silent and work towards what is best for you and your son. She will likely go for the short term satisfaction which benefits you greatly as it did me. Don't battle over stupid stuff that is easily replaced because after all it is just stuff, always play the long game. Start making a list of what you want but keep it hidden from her. Please do not give in just to make the hurt go away faster as that will just prolong it when it resurfaces. Lost

Making excuses for her will not undo what she has done and will continue to do in her life so you can be together. She told you who she is so why not listen? She has shown you who she is so why not see? There are messed up people out there for all kinds of reasons. Some like your ex need constant validation from others all the time to feel like they are attractive, wanted or desired. They rarely seek out the attention to feel loved like you offered her because they are not capable. You are feeling the loss of what you thought was perfect because you haven't been in a relationship before. This isn't how it should be, you cannot save her from herself and you cannot make her treat you like she should. She is selfish and uncaring and you got caught up in her wake. It sucks and hurts but in time you will see that she actually did you a huge favor. Lost

Absolutely! Especially when you see a couple and you are way better looking than her date and wonder how the heck did he pull that off? Now when I see happy couples it makes me smile and feel happy that they found each other because we know just hard it can be to make that happen. My friends get frustrated because I do get attention from women but rarely is it the right woman for me. I know myself and what I want in and for my life and will not settle just be to with someone. Frankly I would feel terrible pretending to be into someone just for companionship. I don't get frustrated any longer and just roll with it. If I do feel myself not feeling it I back off and live my life and then jump back in refreshed. I am on Match trying but haven't logged in for a few days because I want to be on there because I want to be, not because I feel I have to be. Lost

You would 100% not meet anyone staying home right? This is great that you are getting out there so each time it is more natural and relaxed. Being totally okay going places alone and being adventurous is a good thing that will only help you in life. You are doing great. You never know when it might happen but you are putting yourself in a position to succeed for sure. Lost

Fantom, As far as the house goes she cannot just take over the payments. She will have to get a totally new loan to remove you off the deed and on top of that she has to pay you half the equity on the house which means she either over borrows to pay the old loan off and pay you or the house gets sold, the equity is split evenly and you both go your own way. Putting the house on the market can possibly make you a little more money but it is not a sure thing and it takes longer and you both have to agree to the selling price. If she gets a new loan the house needs to be appraised by a reputable appraisal company or two or three and then average the appraisals. This is faster and is cleaner. You do not want your name staying on the deed, insurance, power bill or anything so think about what you want and then discuss it with your legal advisor. This is all assuming there is equity... The discussions with her can leave you scratching your head so it is best to stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. She is thinking she has all the cards so let her keep thinking that while you plan and execute. Here are a few things you need to be thinking about. Your sons healthcare, if she pays child support or alimony she needs a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary, child support, custody, vacations, holiday, alimony, retirement accounts, debts, credit cards, cell phone plan, car insurance, who will claim your son on taxes and pick up drop off arrangements. These are a few things for you to start figuring out so when you do sit down with someone you are ready to go. Hang in there you are doing great Lost

Classic I could not imagine waiting to meet someone I had deceived online, it would be like standing there with a sign around my neck that says "Liar" Lost

It depends but you do not want to have your number written down in your pocket like you are giving it out like candy. I usually just say let me give you my number and then see what she says or does. If she reaches for her phone then I give her my number, if she hesitates or looks like she doesn't know what to say then I will say "let me find something to write on" I don't want this to sound like it will but I am usually the one getting the phone number either by them handing me a piece of paper or them offering their number or flat out asking for mine. I have been incredibly lucky over the years I guess. Once you get more relaxed and can read their body language better it happens more naturally because they are as into you as you are them. If you are chatting a woman up that is just being polite then she isn't going too call you no matter how the number is received. The key is seeing that and cutting the convo short so you can chat someone else up that might be into you. I have seen guys offer their business cards with their cell on it which seems a little more natural. Lost

Reading your other thread on this guy it sounds to me like you want more than a FWB with him. Is that true? Be honest with us but more importantly with yourself. Lost

Day 12 So Match sent me a status on how I have been doing but it doesn't look right. It says I have received 38 messages, 10 likes and 12 views this week. I have received some messages but not 38 in a week. I wonder how much they work at manipulating subscribers to keep them signed up? Anyways I haven't been on Match today but I can see in my email I got a couple of likes from two women I might be interested in and 1 message. I will check them out tomorrow if I have time. Nothing to report from the 45 year old after I sent her a message the other day to let me know if she has a favorite place in her area she would like to meet at. The weekend is days off still so I will worry about that later, not worry but contemplate 🤔 Lost

Been down that road a few times. When I met one of them I called her out after dinner and she tried to continue the lie but I wouldn't have it and she finally told me her real age. The thing is she looked great for her actual age. Pretty much changed my excitement down a few notches. She turned out to be a little 🤪 Lost

Sounds like you are doing great so keep it up. Transitioning from chatting to asking for their number can be tricky. "I have really enjoyed talking to, would you like to meet for coffee sometime so we can get to know each other better?" if they say yes "Here is my number, reach out and we can figure out a place and time" While you are sitting day dreaming at work think up canned responses and questions for just such occasions and run them trough your head so they are right there at the tip of your tongue when you need them. You really sound like you are doing very well so good on you. Lost

This is very common but not that big of a hurdle. Women feel safe in pairs so they are more likely to open up and talk to you more. What you want to do when you catch their eye is read the signal. If they smile back and look at each other then walk up to them both and talk to them BOTH. Do not single out either one at first. If you are interested in both of them see who is more engaging with you and then turn your shoulders more towards her as you continue to ask questions about them and chat. If you are only interested in one of them then you need to slowly turn towards her and ask her more questions and engage with her more. Now if you smile as you look their way and they give you that quick no teeth little smile then look away don't even bother. Watching other men that seem to be doing okay with the ladies is a good idea too. Be brave and remember rejection is not fatal. What do you say when you seem to have a connection and want to ask for their number? Lost

I know you want to go off on her if she brings some dude around your son but please refrain from anything and take the high road. She may even bait you into getting upset just so she can use it against you later. Stay calm and if need be walk away but always take the high road. It is uphill both ways but once you reach the top after all this is over you will feel good that you did the right thing. Besides explaining this to a cop on your door step because she called them is not something you want your son to witness. I know this will sound kind of stupid but her not caring is a very good thing for you. Right now she more than likely has been having sex with someone else for a while and is in the fantasy phase that she wants to stay in so she will make bad decisions do keep it going. She wants out and wants it fast so play in to that while you keep a calm head. As far as custody goes offer something up so she has a lot of freedom to run around with her bf's while you have your son. I saw my son 6 days a week, had him every weekend and holiday because my ex saw it as freedom to do her own thing. Be smart, stay silent and look for advantages you can use. Talk to your parents but do not move out. Basically make plans so you know you and your son have a safe place to go at a moments notice which will relieve some of the stress and fear. Then the business of selling assets and the timing of that will not be a big deal to you. It is good you have a friend to talk to that has been through this and that you can also see he survived it all. Lost

When you say they are with a friend do you mean another woman? If so they often travel in pairs or more for these types of things. Rarely will you see a lone woman but it happens. Lost