Getting On With It

mookle, I can tell you from experience that moving in will not improve it -- in fact, apart from a potential "new situation honeymoon" it is likely to make things worse. The bottom line is, you need to sit down with her and get to the root of what it is all about. Are there money pressures? Is she always too tired? Is there a self-image problem? Or is it just that you have differing libidos? Unless you can resolve the underlying issue, whatever it is, then you can't expect things to change. Of course, you might have to address the worst case situation: what if the problem is something that you can't help to resolve -- for example, you just have different sex drives. For that, all I can suggest is, imagine being 60+ years old together... sex won't be part of the relationship by then. That might give you some insight into your priorities, but it won't address the obvious shortcoming in your intervening years...

Not knowing you from Adam, I'm not going to make any assumptions about who you are as a person, what your habits are, or whether you are actually antisocial -- but I can offer you some advice that will pay off over time. smile -- not just sometimes! There are two reasons: (a) the body has a physiological response to smiling, so the act, believe it or not, actually makes you happier; and (b) people who smile are perceived as friendly and more approachable. Make it a habit. get out -- I strongly recommend you take up dancing via classes, or some similar activity. It's not important that you are any good -- indeed, having two left feet is a bonus, as it will cause other people to interact with you... that's a surprisingly good ice-breaker. Futhermore, the environment has 'rules' that encourage interaction: it's rude to turn down a request for a dance, and it's rude not to ask a lady to dance! chill out -- the more you worry about being lonely, the more you will depress yourself and become unapproachable. Doing this is probably as simple as being happy that you are on the road out of the position you are in. So, put together a plan: start by setting yourself the task of finding activities for at least 4 of the 7 days of the week that gets you out of the house. Maybe, having started with the dancing, you get on with some of the people there, and meet up as a group at a weekend... be interested -- when talking to people, be interested in them, and they'll be interested in you. If you don't know someone, just introduce yourself (you'll be surprised how easy this becomes when you've done it a few times: just 'Hi, I'm Bob/Joan' and a handshake does it). Once you know their name, it gets easier ('Hi John/Billy-Jean, haven't seen you in a while. How are you keeping?'). It'll just go from there. look after yourself -- whilst it's a miserable truth, people do run on appearance. You don't have to be the best looking bloke/gal in the world, but you do have to give enough of a hoot about yourself to be clean and tidy. If you don't care about yourself, why should anyone else! I hope that my list proves useful to you -- oh, and for heaven's sake, don't pass up on the opportunity to talk to email removed 8)

There has already been some excellent advice given by michelemybell above, but I think it is worth backing up... If you think you are doing all the running, putting you at his beck and call, then something is wrong. So I agree with the advice given to date: take a break, and be busy -- maybe even sign yourself & your husband up to do something together (dancing lessons, anyone?) ... If that's too much for you, I have an alternative suggestion. Stop calling, and see when he calls you, and how often. You might even tell him that you'll only call no more often than 'every other time' -- then, if he doesn't call you, you don't call back, and the decision is made for you.[/b]

Snow, I can probably offer you some insight into a (generic) man's head, though whether for good or bad, you'll have to decide for yourself... at least it will indicate that there are several reasons for a chap in a healthy relationship to be in to porn, and some of them can be positive. The best reason would be because the two of you were using it as a prop for sex: many men are lacking confidence in themselves, and pick up ideas from sexual material. If he's really addicted, then your safest route for dealing with this is to move it into the bedroom, get him to include you, and then, even if you are not entirely happy with the subject, it will basically be a positive influence (especially if he's critical of the models!). Another reason is curiosity. The origin of the true addict! A lot of men are seriously curious about what's out there, and can't resist what seems like a victimless route to satisfying that curiosity. It's not comparative -- this is a weird hobby, like train spotting! So, with an adict, it is literally nothing to do with you or your sex life. It normally gets pretty hard-core, unchecked, so if this is it, be warned. If you are sorting this out per above, then you'll have the advantage of having an input to the material he pursues, and helping him get through it. And your help and understanding is important here: this sort of curiosity won't ever be adequately satisfied, so he'll either be fighting and controlling it on your behalf, or kicking himself and guilt-tripping every time he slips up, unless you can provide (you'll hate this) positive support for him. Affirming the good news -- it's not about you! There is a more worrying possibility too. If the relationship is not sexually fulfilling, either through the quality of the sex itself, or (more likely) the frequency, he could be using it as a tool to avoid pestering you. This would suggest your views of sex to be a consensual act of love-making, which would place the onus on the person with the greater sex drive to avoid pressuring their partner... so, if he's frustrated, maybe porn offers him a route out. Then again, it might be as bananajuice suggests, or worse, it might be you. I'd like to suggest it is not -- because you implied that until you discovered the porn, you'd no reason to feel there was a problem, but there's even a positive to be found in here, if scant. Should your worst fear prove true, and he doesn't see you as the most sexually attractive person in the world, consider this: one day, you'll be 60. Want to bet you are the most sexually alluring person in the world then? No, of course not. Want to place odds that he still finds you attractive, loves you to distraction, and wants to see out the remainder of his days with you? Just about as good as any marriage founded on understanding and friendship, I reckon. Priority? Deal with the honesty thing, then worry about him making you feel good: and be honest with him about that. Tell him flat how the porn makes you feel as a sexual person, and let him know that it is his responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. If he can do that, then the porn becomes an irritation, and is not the real issue! I wish you luck.

Whilst no expert, and unable to offer any solutions, I might be able to shed some light, some of which may even be useful for improving the lives of you guys, who have loving and understanding, but unwilling, partners... I've been reading some interesting things on this post - like "love and sex are one", and "sacrifice" and "just do it". Yurk. So, all the replies are from blokes, then. Here's something for you... Women do not think like that -- well, most don't anyway. They see sex as more than just a physical act, or they have been brought up to see it as "dirty", or they are concerned that it's the only thing their partner is interested in. There is a huge psychological thing associated with the subject, and it's a real pig to deal with. I know one who -- literally -- sees her genitals as a parasite, and they spends her life struggling to stay in control: she even says "Oi, don't wake the parasite" whenever there's a chance it might happen. Should sound familiar, even if the words are not the same! There's so much to this area, and I've not the time to address it properly, and am already looking like I'm preaching, so I will get to an oversimplified point: Different people require different stimulus to feel loved: some people are visual, others audial, and the remainder respond to touch. For the most part, women tend to be auditory -- you need to tell them you love them, or they don't believe it; the majority of men are physical -- and for them, sex is a key element of feeling loved... when these men don't get it, they feel rejected. The upshot is that, whilst some people just have incompatible libedos, a lot of relationship problems come down to understanding. Having taken the time to discuss what makes you feel loved with your partner, but even more importantly, taken the time to listen to her tell you what is important to her (note: this is vital -- don't skip listening to her here) things start to become easier. Demonstrate your love for her by displaying it on her terms: press her feelgood buttons -- that explicitly excludes the sexual ones. You're point here is, it's about making her feel loved and wanted. Take the pressure off, make her feel wanted, and give her the opportunity to do the same for you: if she makes the conversion from seeing it as 'sex' (which is dirty, inconvenient, whatever) to 'making love' then you'll live happy ever after. Of course, if, in the course of your frank discussions, you discover the real problem relates not to understanding, but your lack of sexual technique, don't be offended! Massively oversimplified lecture over.