HDD

hi christy and welcome to the forum! I am sorry to hear about your abusive ex. but you know what, things could be worse... you see my friend had an abusive husband... everyone thought he was such nice guy (Wrong) but as soon as they got married, he became into this weird crazy lunatic and used to lock my friend up when he left home, so she wouldnt be able to go out anywhere. Freak! my friend doesnt have any kids, but she managed to escape and got a divorce. I know it sounds like a lifetime movie story but its true and my friend is still going through depression stages and she's not married yet. So, even though i dont know what its like to be in your shoes, you should be happy that you left him and be proud of your strength! You have a boy and he now means the world to you. So, you are being a super strong and wonderful mother to your son and I can already tell you will have a great life ahead of you. When your ex says stuff like, "no one will love you as much as i did" well thats BS and you know thats not true. someone who LOVES you doesnt treat you the way he did You deserve so much better! Good luck and keep us posted. We're here for you!

hmm, never tried that one before (and sounds like i should have). what does that do? make him wonder? i am not sure i want him back right now, so if that will make him call me more, i would rather not answer his calls at all.

we broke up three weeks ago and i did call him on the first week but i was ignored. I hate being ignored. Now, he calls me! i am glad i missed that call, now he knows what i felt when he didnt answer or return my calls. Who does he think he is.... ugh, i think i am in the anger stage cause i am so mad at him right now. i wont worry about the call, i will just pretend like it never happened. i dont know what to tell him if he calls again. i feel like i barely know him anymore. three weeks might not be long but for me it really feels like months!

i havent checked my cell all day and now its 530pm and i look to see who i got missed call from and its from my ex!!!! he didnt leave any voicemail just a missed call at 12:55pm? why did he call me and break NC? i am so glad i didnt answer the call... i wouldnt know what to say. I really do want to talk to him but i dont want to sound desperate. maybe he was just checking up on me? why should he? he is the one who wanted NC? I am confused. Now i really understand why NC is necessary. My heart is pounding.... Why doesnt he just email me. ugh!!

you're right Blender. I should change my secret wish to something +ve about my life. Why does it matter if he thinks about me or not, he's the one loosing out. He's the one who wanted out, so i hope he is happy with his decision. Its getting easier though but this gotta be one of the toughest things i will have to go through in my life. i understand how you are being pulled in two different directions H. I felt like that for the past year with my ex just thinking about whether we should try and make it work or not. So, in a way, i am kind of relieved that we ended it, because he kind of stopped working on our relationship and I did too becuase i thought you cant force someone to be in a relationship with you if he doesnt want to. he already has issues of his own to deal with and all I wanted to do was to be a part of his life and work on both of our issues together. i think we both did our part and things just got tough towards the end. You see, love was never a problem in our relationship, there were so many other factors that just tore us in two different directions. its just hard to explain all the details. its a can of worms i dont want to talk about again and just want it to go away.

I dont know why but i just thought of this one time my ex and i were folding our laundry and i remember folding the t-shirts really neatly and he was folding his share of t-shirts. he saw me doing a good job and a fast one too so he started to fold faster but wasnt doing a good folding job. So he gave up and told me, "why dont you slow down?" i said, "slow down? what do u mean? are we having a race here?" and he said, "not a race, but you are doing such a good job at folding and doing it pretty fast so I wanted to catch up with you but I can't!" and that just cracked me up. And we started laughing about it. he tries to be competetive sometimes, its cute. WHY ON EARTH DID THAT JUST POP INTO MY HEAD!! i dont know where that came from but I just thought of it and it made me laugh out loud and I just had to tell you folks about it becuase i need to get it out my system. does that ever happen to you? I dont want to think about those memories right now... why did that just happen? does it happen to the ex/guys as well?

that is one of the reasons i am NOT calling my ex becuase I do not want to even think about him trying to meet other girls. I know eventually some day he will but right now, I cannot handle it on top of everything that I have to deal with. So, NC is the best way to get him out of my system. I am sorry to hear that the conversation with your ex was so abrupt and painful. Now you know not to call him anymore, ever! If he needs to talk to you or say Hi, let him be the first to call. You deserve much better sweetie. And this new guy doesnt seem like he is worht your time. You need to focus on yourself now and only date someone who would LOVE to spend time with you and doesnt pick the gym instead of you. I am +ve you are NOT invisible or insignificant!!! You have so much potential to meet the right guy, but along the way, we need to meet the wrong ones so when we do find Mr. Right, its just magical!

Yes, I have been contemplating seeing a therapist and I do want to make sure they are good and really help me with handling my emotions. I will do my research and try to find a good one. I will let you all know if it helped me. By the way, this will be my first time seeing a therapist (which I never thought I would need to do). But then again, like they say, there is a first time for everything. About keeping busy, I am going to the Gym and taking yoga and pilates classes. Plus I am thinking about becoming a certified diver eventually someday i hope. But i am trying to keep myself busy by doing things, even cleaning the house and watching infomercials on TV help keep my mind off of him. I believe this is a very important phase in my life. I have never gone through something like this and it is helping me to reflect on what my problems and issues are and let me tell you, I am not perfect either. but I did put my 110% into the relationship and i never wanted it to end. But you can't control other people's feeling or actions, just your own. I just have to try and get through these next couple of weeks and see where I am. Its just really hard to not think about him, even though it is getting better. (secret wish: i hope he thinks about me at least 5 times every day).

its been three weeks of NC with my x and i only cried the first week... i havent cried since the New Year started... i do feel devestated but when I feel like crying, i find myself not able to do so. Is there something wrong with me? am i trying to control my feelings so that i dont feel pain? Maybe since we were both kind of expecting this break up and saw it coming I am able to handle my emotions better... i dont know. I am just so confused. Even though i did not initiate the break up, is it normal to feel this way? I think about him all the time and i really want to talk to him, but I am also mad at him at the same time and dont want to call him and break NC. I hope he isnt mad at me or doesnt hate me, which is another reason why i am not calling him. Can someone help me out here? Is this healthy? Do i need to see someone and talk things through? like a therapist or something? I just want to make sure that i am healing the right way.

I found this on another forum (link removed) posted by a user from Norway. She translated it to English (this was originally in Norwegian). It really made a lot of sense and i hope it helps you all out someway (also people suffering from Insomnia). I keep reading it when I feel down. Broken Heart? 1) This will pass!! It is not the end of the world! Try to remember this, no matter how much heartache you have or how much pain you got right now, try to remember that - no matter how incredible it might seem - this will pass - in the end. You will not always have this pain and sorrow. Time have that effect that it heals us - even if its hard to believe when we stand right in the pain. 2) It IS terrible to get ones heart broken. Simply terrible. We have complete sympathy because we've been there! Yes, let us make it clear that what you are going through is really painfull, difficult, hard to bear. We kan sympathize because we've been there and to some extent, so has most people. As we've said, those of us that suffer from insomnia have a tendency to be the sensitive ones, those that feel things even deeper, we have thinner skin, quite simply raw emotions, and in a situation like this, even more brutality also in the pain. But, remember that this is what makes us such special people!! 3) Remember that you are not alone. Remember that most people have been where you are. Very few of us comes out of the teenage years without numerous stabs to the heart, and for some of us these stabs are a frequent part of our younger adult years. Så you are not alone. It is a part of being a feeling, interacting person, to have ones heart broken. It does not lessen the pain, but, it might give you a philosophical perspective, maybe it helps a bit to know that youre not alone! 4) Give your self time and space to grieve. You need to feel the pain and sorrow for a while. Yeah, play that nice music you danced or listened to, made love to, all this that brings back that burning pain, those unforgettable memories which really strikes you down, do all this....a while. Cry, ofcourse you shall cry! This is what heart sorrow does with you, you cry a lot! It is healthy to cry, important, crying helps you going through the worst pain and it will bring you further down the road against healing. Heartache is ofcourse quite similar to losing someone to death så you have to go through a mourning that is similar. Allow youself the time and the space you need to get through this process your way. 5) Be good to yourself. Treat youself with what it is that makes you feel better: a perfumed bath, new pair of shoes, a therapeutic massage, good food, theatre, movies, concert, anything that will cheer you up a little and makes you feel just a little more special, even if the one you love is not by your side. Buy a beautiful book with poems, listen to wonderful music Mozart and Chopin!? Take a trip in a beautiful garden or a picturesque hillside. Remember to eat right!! This means, healthy food, not fat sugary fastfood. Ok, so we allow ourself an extra milkshake, one....or two, but do try to not go on a spree or gain or lose to much (whichever is worst for you). Take vitamins and minerals which helps you strengthen your immune system. And...TRY to get some sleep! 6) DO NOT use alcohol, drugs, sigarettes, food or sex for comfort. All these things are terrible things to expose your body for (when exaggerated) and we ask you to be very carefully so that you dont fall back into possible living habits you had and that you've managed to free yourself from. There are better ways to manage the loss! Alcohol, drugs, sigarettes and food are chemical substances that will fool you into believing that you are better than you really are. In much the same way one night stands with or without sex (ALWAYS use protection) will also give you some false security that everything is better, you HAVE to tell yourself that these hasty relationships more often than not will give you more pain than happiness. 7) Learn from what you are experiencing. This is something you can get from even the worst experience: What can I learn from this? A great rabbi once said that you can learn something from everything, which means that there is no experience that you cannot learn from. And you wil WANT to learn because you do not want to be in such pain like this often in your life, right? So you have to learn yourself what you can so that you can help avoid this type of pain. Was this ruined relationship a part of a pattern for you? What does this tell you about you? Are you able to put your finger on where your problem is? Why are you attracted to lovers/relationships that consistantly ends up with pain? Or, maybe you behaved in such a manner that the relationship was unable to grow and flourish? This can be extremely complicated and we ask you urgently to analyze the situation very thorough so that you gain some understanding of how it turned out this way, so that it will not happen again. 8) Dont be hard on yourself. Dont contempt yourself because you are either attracted to this person or for something you should or should not have done. It wont do anyone any good! And do not treat your ex badly. There must have been something good/kind/attractive with him/her orelse you would not have this pain, orelse you would not have fallen this hard, right? The best is to be reasonable and balanced and try to learn from the experience. If you think that there is something inside of you that has made the fundament for the disaster, but that you didnt manage to handle it, or you didnt know how you should solve it, you feel that this might happen again, or that you have no control on the situation it might be that you need professional help from a therapist. 9) Remember that it very rarely works to be dependent on another person for your happiness. Even though relationships are important - they REALLY ARE important - central in our lives - even so - we must find our own path, find out who WE really are - indepentendly (atleast partly) of our relationships. If you have been totally dependent on this relationship to solve your problems, to make your "empty" life complete, to finally get the love you didnt get as a child or similar,,,then no relationship will endure such preassure. Best is to get your self together - be tolerably happy, content and satisfied, alone - and then find a relationship that can add things to your life. Being dependent on someone for your own happiness is the perfect setup for heartache. 10) Remember that there are plenty fish in the sea - its just how the nature is, this is facts. Do you really think that Mother Earth would make a system where there are only one person in the whole world that can make us happy when the world is so gigantic as it is? That would not be a particulary good system for harmony or reproduction of our species! We're often amazed and surprised - in our lives - how the NEXT love has become so much better than the last, and the next better yet again and so on. And it does not seem to change - maybe because we learn something from this failed relationships. So, when you are ready (do not rush) start looking. Be social - get out - meet new people - find new friends! It will make you feel good. Ofcourse its best not to expect to meet someone dazzling at once. It really takes time to meet that special one. Do not forget why you have so much and strong heartache now, it is because the one you are trying to get over was so good, understanding etc, and you do NOT want to initiate a relationship with a partner that isnt just as good if not better than the one you're trying to get over! Remember that one night stands can bring you more pain than happiness. Its best to invest some time. Get to know the other one before you open up, so prepare yourself that this is going to take time!!! 11) Re-establish, strengthen your relationship with your friends. There is nothing like a good, warm, understanding, loving friend after heartache. Thank God for friends. Now is the time to visit them, talk with them, do things with them. Ofcourse, you must not overdo it - exaggerated broadcasting of how youre feeling can be hard to bear. If you need that much help or if you do not find enough support in your friends - then its time to seek professional help in a therapist. Be greatful for the goodness you get from others in this time. And when you feel a little better it would be very lovable - thoughtful - if you sent a little thanks to them, a small note, a flower or something to the one that was especially comforting, understanding and helpful in this difficult period of your life. 12) Tomorrow is a new day. And also this day shall pass - believe us - it shall pass!!

make a commitment to visit someplace that you (I) have always wanted to go but never had the time when you (I) were with your X (sort of like taking a vacation for yourself). Make a commitment to know YOU!

sjv, i totally understand how you feel. I am trying to fight my urges to contact my x as well. I havent talked to him since dec 20-something ( i dont even want to remember that date) and even though i called him once during the first week of NC (ofcourse he did not answer), i regret doing it. Now its been more than two weeks of NC (my longest ever) and i dont know what to do other than to stop thinking/hoping to talk to him again. he also hasnt made any effort to contact me, sO i feel as if i shouldnt either. I just hope he doesnt have any hate or bad feeling towards me becuase our break up was a mutual one, actually he wanted it more than I did, but we both saw it coming. I hope we can be friends someday but for now, i just have to heal my heart and try and move on. I dont want to feel like a weak spineless girl who gives in and makes a fool of herself. So, NC is the only way.

i truly believe you should give yourself more time to heal. Dont get involved in a relationship where you can't give your 100% to the guy... its not fair to him. If you two get along very well, then you should be able to just tell him as a friend that you dont want anything more than a frienship, at least for the time being. He should understand that. Dont rush into anything and get your heart or his heart broken again. Take it easy. At least you have someone who is interested in you already, that should give you a little boost!! This is almost my third week of NC with my bf and it feels like a lifetime. I cannot even imagine going into a new relationship without healing completely. I need my time and time to think through everything that went wrong. I wish he would just call me since he is the one who wanted to move on. I just have to be patient and see what the future holds. Good Luck ! let me know how you're doing!

Correction: Its not fair to them to not know how i feel, right?

Thanks AmIAlone... that really helps. I remember the first time i had the courage to actually ask him out on a movie, i remember how confident i felt about myself. I forgot how that feels. I guess it will take time to build that confidence back but for all I know, it would be a huge mistake for me to go on any dates right now. I cannot even imagine how nervous i will be. I wont worry about that now, i just have to focus on me and do the things that I like to do. I sure wish I had him by my side. Oh well! I guess this time is really needed to reflect on things that went wrong and why the relationship did not work out... which is pretty clear why, i just need to accept it. But talking to you all helps a lot and I feel better when I let my feelings out by communicating with everyone. I need to work on that too... that was one of my problems, i never used to just let it out, i kept my feelings bottled up and that just drove me crazy. I should just be able to say whats on my mind... why should i care about upsetting them, when it is infact upsetting me. Its not fair to them to now know how i feel, right? Talking helps, no matter what. i am trying to change that. It is healthier to let everything out and just be honest with oneself.

I guess the reason why I am hurting so bad is becuase this is my first break up (plus after 6 years being in a relationship takes a toll on your emotion) and I just dont know what to do with myself. I have been reading so many articles online on how to deal with a break up, etc and i must admit it has been helping me. But this is so hard. But i suppose it doesnt matter how many times you've broken up with someone, if you truly love him/her and care for them, you will have to face the pain. I just wish it didnt have to end this way, we kept talking about marriage and kids and all those wonderful things. and now the thought of him being with someone else, just kills me. I just have to let this all out. I cannot wait for the day when this pain goes away and i can truly feel alive and free again.

how do you get over someone whom you loved for 6 years (and still do)? my bf and i broke up more than two weeks ago I am doing the NC thing since then but I feel so desperate to call him and I know I shouldnt (i did call him twice the first week but he didnt pick up his phone and I know I should have known better. I felt like such a fool). Plus, I dont want to think about him all the time either. I dont know what he is up to and it just kills me to come to the conclusion that he hasnt called me either and we are no longer a couple. When does this feeling of anger, denial and sadness end? Does he NOT want to know how I am doing? I know he still loves me and cares for me and this is probably hard for him too. Is NC the only way to move on? I pray he realizes that he has made a mistake, and calls me one day but thats just silly of me to think. I guess its just hard for me to start thinking of myself as one entity rather than two. Also, this is my first break up which is probably why this is so hard for me. I just wish time would just fly by and heal my heart because i just want to be happy.:sad: I am new to this forum but I have been reading your posts daily and it makes me feel so much better. Thank you.

Trust me, i feel the same way! my X and I broke up more than two weeks ago (right before christmas) and I havent talked to him since... and it feels like a lifetime!! I called him on christmas but I should have known better that he would not answer. i feel like I dont even know who he is anymore and if I talk to him, I wouldnt know what to say. I keep thinking maybe he will call me first, but I know that wont happen and I just have to keep myself busy and keep myself from dialing his number. I still cannot believe that our 6 year relationship is over and he is no longer a constant part of my life... its hard to quit a habit of not talking to someone whom you've been with for 6 years... my mind just keeps racing about what he is doing all the time but I cannot do anything about it. So, i just have to be strong and let time do its work. Hang in there AmIAlone... i know how you feel.