whatthehell

Well she's called me 3 times since Monday but I haven't answered yet. This is beginning to feel like game playing. I know this little bit wasn't enough to change her mind, but what could she possibly say to me now? I thought this was what she wanted? She called and left me a voicemail on monday saying the email made her cry, and she was going to call me later that night. I emailed her back: Hey I got your message today. Thank God you're finally getting your classroom setup. Honestly we don't need to speak tonight, you just focus on getting yourself together. My last email pretty much said everything, and you have made it clear how you feel. Take care. She called twice again last night, once on my cell, and left a message at my home number. I'm afraid of the "final" call, you know? A part of me still wants her back. The only recourse if I do speak with her is to stick to what I wrote in the email. Help

Thanks helo. this was a long time coming. If she has anything to say to me at all, I don't expect it for a long while. i just feel so much better since I know i put a stop to the charades. It's the finality of it all that is killing me, and the thought that perhaps she didn't care at all. Any way I'm starting on that road back up today. I'll be sure to post when i feel weak. I'm not going back just to get hurt again.

no one huh? wow

up so you all can see the above. i am counting on the enotalone rallying team to tell me this is the best move no matter what....

Great post RD.

Here is the letter I sent. Dear P_____, I'm taking this time to let you know I was thinking about some stuff. First of all I just want you to know that I'm OK. I accept the fact that the two of us want different things, and this whole time you tried to be as honest as possible without intentionally hurting me. You know precisely how I feel about you, and I know that the relationship and the bond that we shared was real and very deep at a certain point. I got frustrated because I wanted things to get back to that point, but I know they can't. I also know your heart is being pulled in different directions, and what you're going through has nothing to do with me. So I'm finally backing off. I've had my share of relationship drama and life lessons that made me make certain decisions. Right before I met you, I was just rediscovering my passion for life and reconnecting with my friends, music, art, god, etc. Before that I was in a deep depression and I was not happy. I want to be happy and I'm going to be. I know you don't need permission from me because you are a strong woman, I encourage you to be happy too, whatever that takes. Take care. J __________________________________ No response was received, but i know she opened it. I don't know what hell of NC awaits but I need this forum now. Thanks

An update: If you have read this far then you knwo i was waiting for a call from her regarding this weekend. That call never came. My mom called her for a separate reason on Thursday night (to reinstate her invitation to NY). My Mom has no idea we've been having these problems. Either way she did not return my mom's call. I had no idea whether her parents were back in town yet so that she couold finally find out when she would be able to fly out here. I had to stoop to a level that let me know I should just leave this girl alone. I bought a caller ID spoof card (it disguises the number that shows up on their caller ID to whatever number you wish) yeah, yeah, i know.... Any way I called her from my cell, left her a message after the machine picked up. Then I called using the spoof card creating a fake chicago number, she immediately picked up the phone. I hung up without saying anything. I repeated the process, calling from my cell which she knows the number, she lets the answering machine pick. Right after that, I called again with the spoof card using a different chicago area code and a completely random phone number. A number she doesn't even recognize, and she picks right up. I just hung up. . I sent her my goodbye email today, since she wants to ignore my calls. I'll post it below.

Hang in there my friend. I did the same finally today.

riverdog, Getting back to what I was in the first place has been my struggle as well, but she's blinded by her feelings (so am I), to even see any changes. Or perhaps she's given up and is slowly trying to ween herself away to be nice. Even harder when you deal wirth a LDR. I like what you said about having all sorts of stuff will be going on. In my case that will be a full schedule of things to keep me occupied. A good friend of mine is coming back from a trip to Peru in a few days. We flirt all the time, but I always kept a certain distance because of my ex. Not anymore. Then there's this younger girl. I'll call next week as you suggest. It's the scarcity, as well as the legendary sense of separation the dumper feels from the dumpee. Almost like telepathy. Anything other than this merry go round.

Hey Riverdog, I've been reading your posts from time to time. One that hit home for me was your recent one regarding the law of scarcity. When you truly move on, your value increases. You're right. I can juggle. I called the other girl at work (guess she felt safer giving me that number, whatever). Someone else answered, she's already left for the day, but will be back tomorrow. I didn't leave my name or a message. It's the moments in between activity that are the hardest.

The only reason I'd be sending the email would be to get a reaction, and she may not even react, much less the way I want her to. I'm calling the other chick. * * * * all this pain.

drninja, I've tried before and couldn't get the words out at all.

bumped up so this doesn't dissappear. I would love the insight of you all. Please let me know about this letter. Thx

Should I send this email then? I've been pretty much silent this whole summer about how I have been feeling. With you not keeping in touch with me the way you used to, I was able to think a few things through. I don't want to settle for brief contact that only makes you feel better in case I'm hurting from what you're doing. You should have been concerned for my feelings four months ago. The truth is that I want you in my life as my woman, girl, partner, whatever you want to call it. Nothing else will do. I am not trying to become a friend that you call once in a while until you eventually stop calling me all together. That's called a slow death. I want you. Period. No confusion, no doubt. You act as if I can't "get the hint" about what you're going through. The last time I saw you, you expressed your need for space, and the VERY NEXT DAY you introduced me as your boyfriend to two different people. Do you know how frustrating it is to know that you are hurting and at the same time you're pushing and pulling? It's not fair to me. If you truly don't want me in your life P------, then let this die. Stop calling. Because my natural reaction is to be there for you, no matter what. And what usually happens when you're done spilling your guts, is that you disappear. How about my hurt? What about my pain and sleepless nights? Do you have time to sit and listen to that? I will always own up to whatever mistakes I made with us, but I know that I have done nothing to deserve this. So if you want to work things out, reach out to me. Otherwise, there's nothing left to say. Take care of yourself. __________________ Feedback please

That is the result I want helo. I do want her back. I was hoping that i would just miss a few of her calls here and there, get her to start wondering... I've read the Homer mcDonald Stop your divorce book and it says just letting go and agreeing with the breakup and giving her exactly what she asks for without protest can work to bring her back. But I have to keep going on with my life. It's the ultimatum thing that I think will backfire.

I'm having a hard time admitting that to myself. How could someone who seemingly doesn't want much to do with you have the heart to do that? She comes accross as wanting to finally find happiness in life, and being scared of relationships. Is this called an integrity problem? Is hse not taking responsibility for her actions? Would she finally see me in a new light if just told her to stop messing around and stay gone if she wants to be gone? The whole fear in me is that she would internalize that as proof that all her relationships fail, and that i was just another one of those guys that hurt her.

Hi HHWH, Thanks for the feedback. It's not fun at all. I do fill my day with things to do , but the weekends are so hard. Saturday and Sunday will go slowly by, then she'll call me late Sunday night before i go to sleep. It's happened twice already... Yes this other girl is a little mental diversion should I call, which i will. I want to care a little less about the ex and have her sense it when she calls. I believe it when they say that exes can actuallly feel you letting go, depending on the length of time you were together. My plan is to definitely let her approach me about the weekend. I'm surprised she even considered it.

Having a weak moment. Please help. LDR My ex wanted to "take a break" back in May (not sure of her feelings anymore, wants space, too much pain to work through from past relationship, etc.). We were doing limited contact for about 3 months after that. About one call a week. Then I exploded and told her I couldn't stand not speaking to her regularly, she pretty much told me I shouldn't wait for her. Bad move since we didn't call each other for about 2 weeks after that. Then I left her a message, and she contacted me within a couple of days and we've been back on this once a week call thing. So now I know her independence is important to her (just graduated, she's 30, and will be leaving the home she grew up in after her parents move for retirement). She even said to me, after I told her how work and school were stressing me, " I'm your biggest stress right now because you don't know what's going on with me." But she has been wanting to come for a visit next week. She said she would let me know after she finds out when her new job wants her to start. That was Sunday night. Tuesday morning she leaves me a message asking me to do her a quick favor with a gift certificate I got her a while back. I called later that night to say it's fixed. No calls from her. I am panicking that she may just say she isn't coming, and this limited contact is driving me nuts in the meantime. I don't want to push and pressure for the visit if it has a good chance of still going down. (I just met a chick on my morning commute just to get a good feeling in my head again; to stop this pain. But I think she's a bit too young for me. But it felt good to get that number.) Help me enotaloners…….please

I added this to give some more color to the situation: She can't find work in Chicago yet, and her parents have been offering her to come to Louisiana if things don't pan out in a year or so. But my deepest fear is that she is trying to move to LA. When we had the last argument, she said that she was trying to fix the situation between her ex and his mom, and was trying to rush it along since she knew I was waiting for her here to get that out of the way so we could try and move forward. Then the argument degenerated to her saying that I shouldn't wait for her. She wonders what if i meet someone while all of this is happening. She said that although it would hurt her, she would deserve it. She just wants to stop hurting me. If she does end up doing all of this (move there) I want to know whether she will ever remember how well I treated her? Any remorse? Any regret at all? Will she realize how great she actually had it with me? This guy treated her like garbage, and she would be going back for more of that. Do they ever truly forget? What the hell is her conscience saying right now?

She can't find work in Chicago yet, and her parents have been offering her to come to Louisiana if things don't pan out in a year or so. But my deepest fear is that she is trying to move to LA. When we had the last argument, she said that she was trying to fix the situation between her ex and his mom, and was trying to rush it along since she knew I was waiting for her here to get that out of the way so we could try and move forward. Then the argument degenerated to her saying that I shouldn't wait for her. She wonders what if i meet someone while all of this is happening. She said that although it would hurt her, she would deserve it. She just wants to stop hurting me. If she does end up doing all of this (move there) I want to know whether she will ever remember how well I treated her? Any remorse? Any regret at all? Will she realize how great she actually had it with me? This guy treated her like garbage, and she would be going back for more of that.

ICeman, I would love your insight on this please. Your posts have a level of compassion, that I would like to receive right now. My LDR ex essentially broke up with me back in May (although all she asked for was space and we initiated LC for about 2 months) I'm in NY, she's in Chicago. Our 2 issues are: 1.I didn't give her space and focused too much on "us", instead of a healthier balance of "me/us". 2.She feels responsible for her abusive ex in Los Angeles no longer speaking to his mother, since she approached his mom about a problem they had when they were together, thereforeeee his mom was "taking her side". All of this is not allowing her to move on and be in a relationship with anyone right now. I got tired of the LC 2 weeks ago and made the mistake of telling her I miss her and want to work things out. This pushed her away and I've only gotten one phone message from her 2 nights ago asking me to give her a call and let her know if the stuff I needed for my college course got through since her computer is slow (dial up). The message felt "detached" and "cold", all of you out there know exactly what i'm talking about. I called a couple hours later and she didn't pick up (she was on the other line, and she wasn't signed on or online). So I simply left an email saying "Hi, you email didn't get through". Now I'm back to NC until she calls, whenever that may be. She may not ever move to NY, and may potentially move to Louisiana with her parents. What can she be thinking of me, if at all? I was very good to her, and she acknowledged this in the past.

20 views and no perspectives? Anyone? I thought this was a site to come to for support?

I posted this yesterday in the Getting back to gether forum, and got some great insight. I am looking for opinions from the long distance perspective so that i don't go crazy LDR -A year and a half. Yes there's something to that time span... I'm from New York. I met her while on a trip to Chicago (she lives there with her parents). She is 30, just graduated, and I'm 35. We hit it of instantly and became a couple 2 months later. We would have little disagreements but nothing that couldn't be fixed with some talking. After about 8 mos, she began to get irritable with me. Impatient. She revealed that her ex, who now lives in California and is a successful upcoming actor, used to hit her, and even held a gun to her head in an argument. They broke up after she asked his mom to intervene and eventually, he stopped speaking to his mother. She blames herself and has been feeling guilt for that ever since. She says that this situation has not allowed her to move on and want to be loved. By the winter time, she would be even more irritable and complaining to me that she could no longer play the girlfriend/wifey role in front of everyone when she is feeling all this pain. A couple of other things contributed to this: I introduced her to my family way too soon, and I displayed insecurities at times as well. On top of all of this, she was completing her final year of college. This brought on way too much pressure for her to deal with. After a strained and tension filled Graduation day, we had another talk, where she reiterated that she needed space and time. She couldn't "go on this way". Especially with me wanting the kind of relationship that she saw as smothering. She wanted to be able to fix the situation with her ex and his mother, without me hovering over her. We began limited contact in June and July: I wouldn't call her she would call me. I didn't bring up our issues at all. She would be depressed and call me. We went from speaking everyday in the beginning of our relationship, to speaking every other day (school for her, work for me) to this point of one call every week or so. Then, she was dropping hints that she didn't want to stay and teach in chicago since no one seems to be hiring, but she didn't say anything about New York either. Her parents are retiring to Louisiana and they want her to come with them if she can't find anything. She has said she may do that but only as a last resort. We share a phone calling card but I have access to the customer service number. She was indeed calling his mom, and trying to get him to call her. I figured this out from the duration of these calls. I am not proud of having done that, but I had to know something after all this LC/NC. Finally Sunday July 23rd , we speak and she begins telling me that she wants to start sending her resume out to other states...I lost it. I asked her "what the hell are we doing? I'm tired of hearing from you every 2 weeks, not knowing what is going to happen to us!!!" She began speaking about us in the past tense "I got sick and tired of arguing over little sh*t. I told you i didn't want to keep hurting you when we were together because of the ex situation." We got off the phone. I checked the phone card and she immediately made a call to her parents who were vacationing in Louisiana. And interstingly a one minute call to Florida (????) the following saturday. I haven't heard from her since that last conversation, after I left 2 messages yesterday and today. I may have ruined my last chance at seeing her since my mom invited her to come to NY once her parents return from Louisiana. I'm reeling, help me anyone. Objectivity please............

I will be practicing no contact. it's funny but i thought i was doing that all last week when we didn't speak thinking: I'll leave her alone for a few days then call her back. Now it seems the choice was hers either way. I am embarrassed by what my friends and family will think. I was so certain that we were going to last and i said as much to anyone who would listen. the second call i made, although it was a veiled attempt at speaking with her, was to ask her to email me the art files I need for my class on Friday. Hopefully she'll just send them, no message.