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andrew05151

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Everything posted by andrew05151

  1. andrew05151
    That's a really good point. I like that comparison to bar buddies. I'll try to keep that in mind next time I feel like it's slipping away. Alright, I'll just try to have a good time, and make her laugh and smile and just have fun. That'll at least feel like old times....and that has to mean something to her. I hope...
  2. andrew05151
    But...we're not just dating or seeing eachother whenever. We're technically in a "relationship." I'm her technical boyfriend, she's my girlfriend...so, we see eachother numerous times per week. When I see her tonight, especialy after that phone thing last night, I don't want to be too reserved and not make any progress. I feel like we do make progress when we communicate our feelings. Then there seems to be a regression when talk the next day, but I let it slide...and just talk casually. I will be casual for the first half the night, and I won't force any moment...but if there's a chance, if I feel something in her grasp...jesus, I don't know. If I don't keep the momentum going somewhat, I may lose. If I try to push too hard, I will definitely lose. I think she's scared of me, and doesn't want to love me. I think that that is contributing to her feelings for the other guy. If the armor around her heart can be taken down or penetrated, I anticipate that those feelings for him will ween away. Or is the NC too hard for her, and now she's back dating me in order to ween herself off of me? I hate all these thoughts and ideas. I won't plan anything for the night, because then when things don't go right I feel let down. I'll just let it go with the flow, and feel her out. If she's receptive to me, then good. I'll probably try something small and gentle. If not, I won't bother.... This is complicated
  3. andrew05151
    So, today I also thought I'd try to have an emotional moment with her, too. I want to hug her, and have her hug me tightly, if she will. And, if she will, I want to ask into her ear if she can feel 'it' and tell her not to be afraid of it, that she can hang on as tightly as she needs and I wont let go, I'll be here for her whenever she needs me. I hope that'll get a positive response....
  4. andrew05151
    Well, I guess it depends on how serious the hospital issue is. If you're just friends, but your friend had a serious accident and was put in the hospital...you'd probably drive an hour to visit them and cheer them up. But, if he's used to you being in the hospital...and he's going way out of his way to see you, and that's unusual behavior for him...I'd read into it a bit more, then. But, like they say...don't get your hopes up. I'm trying not to get mine up. We'll only crash down harder. I guess you'll just have to let it flow and see what happens. Someone here once said that your ex is like a bird that you want to feed, so you walk slowly up to it to gain its trust; any sudden movements and it will fly away. I hope that person was wrong, though >_>
  5. andrew05151
    But at the same time...I know they're talking all the time on AIM. He's on away until she's back, then he's there...and his away messages are always these stupid sappy lyrics "It's more than a love song" This really pisses me off, and discourages me. Then last night we were no the phone starting 9 pm, around 11 30 there was a beep, she told me it was her grandmother and she needed to talk to her father, so she'd talk to me online. Five minutes later his away message goes on about "cleaning up my room." Hmmm... I made it very obvious that I wasn't really believing her story. Asking her questions like "I thought your grandma gets up at the crack of dawn." "lol yeah she does" "Why is she up this late then?" "I dont know" I told her I'd call her back when the phone freed up. She always used to want to hear my voice before bed. I asked her if she still did, she said she did. I called her back when it was free, and then started to talk a little about how I felt like I was being rejected. At first she got mad and took it as I was telling her she's not good enough for me. But I explained that I wasn't saying that, and that I did not want to put responsibility on her to make me happy. I told her I didn't want her to feel obliged to do anything, and that it's wrong for me to make her feel guilty. I told her I just wanted to tell he how I felt because I didn't want to hold it in. I told her that I am used to how she used to act, and when I don't receive those little pieces of affection, I interpret that as there being a problem. She seemed to understand better, and sounded sad. Said she didn't want to hurt me. She told me she was scared to lean on me, and that I wasn't the only one scared her. I told her that it's okay to be scared, and that I don't want her to lean on me for everything, that I don't want her to need me completely or make her life into me, but that she needs to trust me a little bit, needs to lean on me a little. That we're not really a couple if we're both living independent of eachother. She seemed to understand, and this morning she is acting a little bit better. But, when I go to her house tonight, I will have to be a litte bit of a jerk. I am going to talk to her parents a little, "how are you doing?" say "Im exhausted" "You must be, too. I can't believe you stay up that late." See if they have any idea about their mother apparently calling at 11 30 pm. When they don't, which I'm hoping with all my heart that they do, I want to trust...but I have a strong feeling here that she was talking to HIM, so when they don't know what I'm talking about...I will turn on her. Lying like that isn't acceptable... This may be the last day I feel hopeful and ... almost happy. I will probably be crashing very soon.
  6. andrew05151
    Thank you for that encouragement. I will try my best to follow through. Right now times are especially hard, she works with this guy, she talks to him on aim...there are graduation parties happening left and right. If I can manage to get through all of this, through this damn summer...I think it will stabalize when college starts. She's going to my school, not his.
  7. andrew05151
    I just keep thinking...it was only 5 days. It wasn't a huge break up. So, I want it to work but...she has feelings for that other guy. She admits it, she says they're not as strong as for me. But, those feelings are hindering our reltionship. And now she's found this newfound independence. I dont want her to cling to me 100% like before, but I need her to cling at least a little. Im not sure if shes afraid to lean on me again, or if she can't because of the other feelings she has.
  8. andrew05151
    I was good today, I think. I didn't IM her, I let her come to me. I told her if she wanted to go to wal-mart later with me to let me know. She never let me know, so we never went, and I never mentioned it again. We were just on the phone, it was all BS conversation. Nothing deep. 2 hour phone conversation of absoutely nothing substantial. Yet, I wasn't clingy, I was acting like my old self. Kind of sarcastic, making stupid jokes, that sortta thing. At the end, she did throw out the "I love you." I didn't have to initiate it. And, that's the sort of thing that makes me stay...
  9. andrew05151
    yeah man, I agree... But, I dont know if Im strong enough to break it off... Maybe, Ill just give it some more time? I dont know... This sucks
  10. andrew05151
    She pretty much did the breaking up. She told me she was confused about what she wanted, me or him. She didnt break up with me, she said she needed time. Meanwhile she had the best of both worlds. I fought for her for an entire week. I did as many things as I could to show her how much I cared. It didn't seem to be working, so I left her. I was sick of being half loved, and of losing all the ground I would gain every day. It hurt me so much to be taken up so high when I was with her, only to be crashed down. So, I left her....and went into NC. Five days later, she comes back to me crying, saying she knows it's me she wants, it's me she loves. She says she has feelings still for the other guy, but they can never be what she has for me. So, I took her back. The next day, it's like I'm fighting for her attention again. She won't show me much affection, unless I kind of work for it. Even then, it takes a lot...like I'm pretty much forcing it out. I have to stop doing that, though. It's not right to either of us. The sad thing is, I did want her to be less clingy....but now that she's not clingy at all...I want it all back again. I need her to need me again, but... I feel ignored and rejected, even though she's chosen me as her boyfriend. I guess I'll give it some time, see where it goes... But, does anyone have any clue what may be up? Thanks for everyone's responses.
  11. andrew05151
    Oh my god, you guys are both very right! Really good advice. Now, I'm confused, though. I really like salt's advice about me being more stable, more confident. I need to. But, scout is absolutely right! It is greed. She never dumps anyone unless she has the next guy lined up and ready to go. It's been that way since she was in like 10th grade. She's selfish, too... But, she came back to me after 5 days. She tells me she loves me. Yet, I don't seem to get the affection. She isn't lying, I don't think. She came back to me...she would have only done that if she wanted to. Why doesn't she seem to be in love with me now, though? I don't understand.
  12. andrew05151
    Right. I have to be strong. Stop initiating things. Just let it flow. I have to stop forcing myself on her. It's so hard to sit here and feel rejected, I want her re-assurance all the time. But, I've gotten all I am going to get. Now, I just need to try to keep cool. Hopefully if I stop putting in the effort, she'll pick up some slack...
  13. andrew05151
    Hmm...but, I really do feel this way. I really don't want to do anything anymore except be with her. She loved me once, and she swears she still does, and she never stopped. Yet, I don't feel the love from her. It seems like just words. Maybe it's because I'm showing so much love for her now, maybe it scares her. Perhaps I should stop putting in so much effort. Maybe I should let it be her...after all, she DID come back to ME. But, now that she has me back in her life...maybe her feelings for the ex begin to grow again. Now that her feelings of missing me are resolved, she can focus more on her desire to be with him. I DONT KNOW! This is such torture.
  14. andrew05151
    Also, she thinks I am being overly nice now because I am pampering her. She also thinks I don't trust her, which is true. Well, I am pampering her...but things are sensitive now. I don't know what to do. I don't think she's fully happy with me anymore, and I don't think she can be. I'm gonna try not to force anything. Try to let her ask to see me, instead of vice versa. Try to show her a good time when she's with me, but also try to keep us talking on a deep level about feelings... But, this feeling of rejection stings, and clouds my mind.
  15. andrew05151
    Oh, god yes I have expressed remorse. I have explained things multiple times. I've told her how I felt, why I acted as I did, how I feel now, how I know I am different. She doesn't seem to believe it, or care too much. I think maybe she doesn't love me anymore, but can't let go of the two years we had. I just know that if she would be able to love me like she did before, we'd be okay. I can feel it inside of me. I may not have had her my #1 priority before, but I do now. And, now that I know the pain of losing her, I won't take it for granted again. That's why I want to stick it out longer, because maybe things will grow...?
  16. andrew05151
    Don't often work out....sigh. I feel so rejected by her, even though we're together. I can't tell what's worse. Being alone and near suicide, but having the stability of knowing that I'm alone. Or, being in this constant state of uncertainty. The constant highs followed by crashes. Constantly worrying that she's not being true, legit, honest... I hate life.
  17. andrew05151
    I feel like I am in a pretty terrible situation, and the reason that it's terrible is because I feel so hopeful. I can't let go... To make a long story short, me and my girlfriend has a good relationship (so I thought) for nearly 2 years. She was very clingy to me, and devoted. She wanted to marry me, but when she talked about it I would get scared, and told her not to. I told her it creeped me out. I dont think by doing so it put much of a damper on anything, but I'd like to make it a point that she was very clingy. I felt smothered often, and started to lose my affection towards her. I felt like she was trying to control me. I started to push her away, and things went downhill...without me even realizing it. She found comfort in her ex, and abrubtly left me for him. She said "he makes me feel good" and "he's never made me cry like you do." I was left devestated, nearly suicidal. I found support here, and after fighting for her for one week...I gave up. I went into NC. The most painful five days of my life followed, then she broke the NC. She said that she missed me, and everything in her life reminds me of her. She said she has feelings for her ex, but they arent as strong as for me. That she has fun with him, but he doesnt do the little things I do to make her smile. She had evidently cut things off at least somewhat with him, as I could tell from their differing profiles. I took this as thinking she wanted me back, so I went to see her. She cried and cried, hugged me, kissed me. I took her back that night. I figured, hey she really hurt me...but being broken up for only 5 days...I can get past that. Now she knows it's me she wants. But, now that we're back together...things haven't been the same at all. I feel like I am forcing affection out of her. She still talks to her ex and i am extremely insecure. I keep thinking that she'll now miss HIM, and jump back to him. She's not clinging to me at all, she seems to only say "I love you" when I say it first. I talked to her on a more serious level a little last night, and she told me that she didn't want to cling to me anymore. She said that it was wrong for her to do that, and that she ditched her friends for me all the time. She wants to hang out with her friends, and her ex is a good friend of hers. So, she will not do as I wish and stop talking/seeing him. Now, the roles are reversed. I find myself clinging to her, but I know I can't. I want to play it cool, but I'm so messed up..I can't do the things I once loved to do. Like playing video games, for example. All I ever want to do now is be with her. But, Im afraid if I continuously go to see her, she'll juts be annoyed with me and leave me. But, if I don't I'm afraid that she'll grow closer to the other guy. What bugs me is I keep comparing everything to how it used to be, and things are so much less with her than before that I keep doubting her. I expect her to have how much she loves me in her away messages, and when she doesn't...it hurts. What does everyone else think? Is there hope? Do relationships that are broken up for a short period of time often work out? Or, statistically speaking....are things doomed? Thanks.
  18. andrew05151
    I feel ya. I almost killed myself, too. While driving, I saw the oncoming traffic lights...and in my head I saw myself swerving into them. And, I WAS swerving into them. Then I caught myself and swerved back into my lane but... Wanting to die is understandable. There's nothing to live for, nothing to wake up for...no motivation at all. Nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. Nothing except more pain, suffering, hurt... I'll tell you...my ex came back to me after 5 days of NC, but...well, we've only been back for 4 days but things don't feel the same. I feel like I'm fighting for attention, for love. I feel she doesn't really care, anymore. Not like she used to. I used to be #1 priority, and now I think I'm near the bottom. I stay with her in hopes that things will start rebuilding...but, maybe we just need to accept...that once it's over...it's over for good. No going back. You might find that a little affection isn't necessarily better than zero affection. Being half loved can be more painful that none at all...
  19. andrew05151
    haha, that was finances. Not fiancee
  20. andrew05151
    Thank you. I know that it can happen at any time...it's terrifying. I will guard my heart, but I will be careful that I do not let that guard hold our relationship back. I'm so happy right now, it really is scaring me. I keep thinking of the future, we were supposed to move in together in Sept. I'm really hoping that happens. And to answer the above question about if she broke up with the other guy. I guess the answer is yes. They were never "officially" together...I'm assuming they were kissing, though...I guess I won't ask her about it. I don't want to seem weird or insecure or too curious or whatever...I just want to go forward and kind of pretend this never happened. But, at the same time...her sharing with me what it was that they shared together may help me in the long run. But, I guess she did "dump him" ... their info's have suddenly lost the stupid "cute" crap...and his away messages have depressed lyrics in them. She told me she told him that she loved me... It's 10am..and she's still on her sleep away. She's almost always awake by now...so I haven't been able to have her talk to me yet today. I'll update here with how things go...
  21. andrew05151
    Oh, god. In my deep depression? Drinking would be disasterous. I stayed far away from that crap. Even when I am happy, the next morning I am depressed. I just mope around most the day, eventually getting to a shower. No way, drinking would be a terrible idea.
  22. andrew05151
    I want to thank everyone here who gave me advice, comfort, and PMs. If I can repay you in any way, I will. After 5 days of NC, 5 days of being broke up...I got home from hanging out in the city, which is what I've been doing to pass the time, to find her screen name on my away message status. I couldn't believe it, my heart started pumping. She'd left me a message! I swear to god, my vision honestly blurred. I went to read it, and it said that she was sorry about how things turned out, and she didn't want the last thing that was said to be the last thing that was said. I took this opportunity to talk to her. Her profile was different, she had removed the crap about the other guy. It appeared she'd broken him off. So, I talked to her. I know I was supposed to keep NC, but she broke it and this seemed like a golden opportunity. After feeling like she didn't care...I didn't want to tempt it by ignoring her. So, I asked her what she meant, exactly. And she started typing away about how she is sorry and she misses me. So, I asked her why she misses me, when she has the other guy, who as she said "makes me feel good." She said that she has a good time with him, but he's not me. He doesn't do the stupid little things that I do that make her smile. And, when she gets back home...all she can do is cry. She said that everything reminds her of me, and that it hurts her so much to be away from me. I told her "You said you needed time." And she told "I had my time." "Maybe now, _I_ need time." "You can have all the time you want." Turns out I didn't need much time at all; I asked her if she wanted me to come over and see her right now. I thought that was the best idea, because she was crying so much and I wanted to hold her. So, I went over there...and she hugged me tight, and she kissed me, and I held her...and kissed her. And, explained to her how hurt I was by all of this...and she explained how badly she was hurt by my away messages, that I was doing stuff without her. In the end, I did take her back. I hope I wasn't too easy...but I told her that if this ever happens again...then I'll certainly be gone for good. I told her I learn from my mistakes, and things will be different now. I told her I understand her better now, and I know what she needs emotionally. She needs me to stay positive, to counteract when she becomes negative...to make her feel good. I told her that she also has to learn from her mistakes, and thereforeeee I won't tolerate another little self discovery journey. She promised it wouldn't happen again, she said she knows it's me that she loves. I took her up to her bedroom, and layed with her in my arms for a while, until she was drifting off to sleep. I had gotten her this stuffed animal penguin the Christmas before last, as penguins are her favorite animal. She had expressed how seeing it would make her cry every time...I took note to her action as I was leaving her room. She'd grabbed the penguin, and was squeezing it close to herself. Perhaps I read too far into things, but I saw symbolic meaning in that action. And, that's where things are now. Today, when she wakes up...I assume she will be talking to me. I think I will try to take her out to get ice cream on the lake, to watch the sunset. Then, maybe go back to my place, or her's...to lay together and watch TV...and just be together. That's what I want. But, I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll lose everything again. She assured me that that won't happen...but I'm terrified that it will. Also, this guy will probably try to talk her into him. I can't prohibit she talk to him, as that's way too controlling. However, it makes me uncomfortable. But, whatever. All that matters to me is her. Having her with me. And, it certainly appears that I am gaining that. I'm happy...but the happiness is scary...because I know now that it can disappear in an instant.
  23. andrew05151
    Thanks for all the replies. I am feeling better now, after talking to a bunch of friends on my lunch break. This morning wasn't fun...and what sucks...I will probably feel decent by tonight...but then I'll go to bed...and in the morning...I'll be back to feeling like crap.
  24. andrew05151
    I want that passenger right now I don't like being here alone
  25. andrew05151
    I cant listen to it now Im in the office. No media allowed. I dont understand how she can be so cruel. She has a picture posted too with him kissing her cheek... I feel like everything inside of me has just twisted itself around my ribs and is trying to break them all in half. How the hell can she do this to me. How can she promise me she'd love me forever...only to replace in me in less than a week. And that's what she's done. Using my pet name...having "great nights" and "cant wait to do it again" god that's so me. This is disgusting, I feel I am going to puke, but there's no food in me. Damn damn damn damn damn damn
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