DCMann2

My advice is simple: Stop what you're doing. Time is a very, very powerful thing. Things may seem like they're going well, but believe me, they're not going nearly as well as you think they are. Don't check up on him like you're doing, because all that's going to do is cause anger and jealously (as you said). Concentrate on yourself, and don't worry about him or what he's doing. Believe me when I say that that's the hardest thing to do, but it DOES work, and it WILL get better. If I were you, I'd slowly start moving towards limited contact, then go into no contact or super limited contact (indirectly speaking to him through myspace or facebook or whatever you use) and let him see how great things are you going for you. This is what I'm doing, and it's hard to believe that it actually works. Check my post history for what I've gone through, and you'll see how things can change for a person.

You've been reading "How to Get Back Your Ex," haven't you? At any rate, I agree here. This is what I plan on doing within the next several weeks, but it'll be slightly more difficult for me since it's a long distance thing. We'll end up spending most of the day together (assuming she says yes to me asking her out), but I think that if I act happy and confident and all the other things I've been feeling lately, then the day will go by much too quickly, and it will be hard for both of us to say goodbye. It's strange, really, that things are going so well for me, since that very rarely happens, but I sure do appreciate this time, because this is THE most important thing in my life right now. Our relationship tramples over everything else in my life, but at the same time, I'm not letting it control me, and I think she's able to see that.

There are some good points in that article. Just about everything I've read about getting an ex back is essentially the same, though: don't talk to them for a while, improve yourself, reestablish contact, and take things very, very slowly. Just about everything I've heard and read says to do those things, even if they're with someone else (like in my case...ugh).

I ended up writing back to her at about 3 this morning. I was very careful in my use of language to show that I wasn't hurting, and that when the time is right, contact will be reestablished. I was also careful to not accuse her of anything, because our relationship is SO fragile, and I don't want it to shatter while it's slowly being rebuilt. I feel like I did the right thing. I say let her feel this way. I felt that way for nearly a month, and now it's her turn.

After explicitly stating that she would not contact me until I contacted her, my ex wrote me an email tonight saying that every day that passes without contact is torture for her, and that it gets harder and harder every day for her. She desperately wants to talk to me as friends, but I don't want a friendship with her. I want a romantic relationship with her, and she knows it. She's still with Alex (the rebound), and I really don't want to be a "fall back" guy if and when their relationship crumbles. I haven't responded to the email, but I'd like to, since I want a reconciliation with her more than anything, but I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Several of you on this site know about my situation with my ex, but if you don't feel like digging through my posts, I'll sum it up quickly: she broke up with me telling me that her romantic feelings for me faded. Twenty days later, she got with another guy who's nothing like me, and I haven't spoken to her since May 30th. That's the very, very short version of it, but I plan on reestablishing contact in about a month and trying for a reconciliation, but that's not the point here. The point is that while I'm still very much in love with my ex, I've met another girl whom I like, and I'm sure she likes me as well. I'm very confused as to what I want to do. I mean, I know what I really want (I want my ex back, which I'm working towards doing), but I tend to think that going out with this new girl might be a good thing for me in helping get my ex back (boosting confidence and that sort of thing), but I don't want her (the new girl) to feel like she's a rebound for me, or that I'm just using her to get my ex back. She's very sweet, and I don't want to hurt her feelings or anything, because I tend to feel bad enough about things without involving other people.

I'm actually in kind of the same situation as you. I tend to think that I wasn't affectionate enough with my ex, which is one of the reasons why she "fell out of love" with me, and I've been taking steps to improve myself to see if she'll want to give "us" another shot later on down the road, and if not, then I'll be a better person for my next relationship.

Update: she responded to my final email saying that she won't contact me until I contact her, which is EXACTLY what I wanted. Things are already starting to look up a little.

I already wrote her one last email tonight saying that I don't want everything to end, which she thinks is what I meant when I sent the first two emails last night. I won't be writing again until I'm fully healed and ready to move on with my life, and by that time, I'll come off as much more confident. I'm already working on being less passive, and it seems to be working in my favor, which is making me feel better about myself. I've pretty much let go of her for now, and I will no longer be checking her myspace to see what she's up to or any of that nonsense. I'm not going to erase her fully from my life, because I want her back so badly, but I just think that this time apart is the best thing right now.

I WANT her in my life, though. I love her more than anything in the world, and I want her back more than anything in the world. My love for this girl is so strong that it's making me physically sick to be without her. I've been having stomach issues and dizzy spells recently, which is another good reason to sever contact. I really need this time to myself, and I'm willing to wait for her to figure out what she really wants. In the meantime, I need to heal.

Well, I did it. I sent two emails telling her that I need time to myself. The first email had a little more in terms of content, since the second one was just something I wrote to clarify a few things about no contact. I told her that if and when she decides to contact me, it's to be friendly, as I won't accept anything less, and that it's important for her to know that I don't hate her, or that I'm not angry with her. Wish me luck...I'm going to need it.

I know what I should, and must do, and it's going to be the most difficult thing I ever have to do. I'm going to write her an email telling her I need time for myself. If I decide to reestablish contact again in the coming months, fine. If not, that's fine too. I'm not angry that she got together with this guy. I'm angry that she got together with him so soon. He's almost the EXACT opposite of me: he's bisexual, he smokes, he drinks, and I wonder how well he's going to treat the woman I love so much. Jessica is none of the above, and she deserves MUCH better than this clown, but it's her life, and that's that.

If you've read my other thread "Is there hope for us?" you'll know how I feel about my ex. However, I just found out today that she's with the other guy she's been mentioning, and I'm absolutely destroyed once again. She broke up with me on May 9th, and here it is May 29th, a mere 20 days later, and she's with someone else. I still love her so much it hurts, but I think I'm going to sever contact. What's the best way to do it? Should I just ignore her when she tries to contact me, or should I actually tell her that I no longer wish to speak with her? I'm absolutely furious, and I don't want to do anything stupid.

anonymous_presense: Thank you SO much for your post. It really helped me, and I think that the best thing to happen between Jess and me is to keep in contact, but to keep it limited, and to subtly show her how I've been changing over the past few weeks, and how I'll continue to change. As for actively going after her, that may be risky business right now, since she's obviously happy with the decision she's made, and how her life is going. I think you're right, though. I think I should just be her friend, play things cool like I've been doing and not asking about the other guy, unless she's willing to tell me. I'm also quite willing to wait for her to be ready to talk about our relationship, but I still want to see her sometime in the coming months. I plan on asking her in mid June if she'd like to see me, even if it's only for a day, and if she says yes, I think it may be a big shot in the arm to our relationship if we're able to share a wonderful time together. I will, however, let things stabilize like you said, because I don't want to act too quickly and destroy any chance of getting back together. I'll continue to post on this forum regularly, so wish me luck!

Yes, I begged her to come back. It was a mistake, and I admitted it to her. Yes, I know she's young. I'm young as well. Does that stop me from loving her as much as I do? Nope, it doesn't. The break up was also a huge wake up call to me as well. I know I'm too passive, and I'm changing that right now. I AM standing up for what I believe in more and more, and while she may not see that right away, she WILL see it soon enough when she realizes I'm no longer going to back down. Also, I don't think she's playing with me. I think she really does want me as her friend, since we had so much together, but that's not what I want, which is why I'm so torn between limited contact and no contact at all. I just don't want to lose her forever. Oh, and about college: I didn't really know where I wanted to go, but having visited the campus and all that, I decided that that IS where I want to go, regardless of whether we get back together or not.

Okay, here's the scoop on my girlfriend and me. I already posted in the thread explaining how not to screw up, and I admit that I'm guilty of a lot of what's in there, but I think it's a little difficult to give solid advice without knowing the whole story. First off, I'm 21, and she's 17. Yes, I know we're both very young, but I truly feel in my heart, as well as my head, that she's the one for me. We have just about everything in common: music (how many of you ladies out there absolutely LOVE heavy metal music?), sense of humor, passion for beautiful things such as natural beauty, our taste in movies is very similar, the list goes on and on. I met her when she was just 15, and I was 19, and it was over the internet. I actually met her in person for the first time for her 16th birthday, and we hit it off almost immediately. For the next 18 months, we shared many wonderful times together, and I made it a point to visit her as often as I could, which, unfortunately, was only about once a month. As time passed, it got more and more difficult to say goodbye, since our love was so strong, but I would always remind myself that I'd be able to talk to her daily, and that our love would get us through the distance, since I was planning on moving down there for school, and I'd only be 30 miles from her, instead of 130. Time passed, as it always does, and as we got more comfortable with each other, we started to grow apart a little. Unfortunately, we didn't discuss feelings like this to each other, since we're both fairly fragile emotionally (me more than her, since I've had an absolutely horrific past with girls, but that's another story), and I think we were afraid of making each other upset and hurting each other's feelings. As such, we kind of ignored our problems and went along as if nothing was wrong. The real clincher came when I was down there on May 6th, for our monthly visit. I sensed that something was wrong (another thing that makes us work so well...we're very much in tune with each other's feelings), but, as usual, I didn't say anything, and neither did she. We had a lovely night together watching movies and laughing and having fun and stuff, but by the next day, I knew that something was REALLY wrong when she was acting fairly cold and indifferent. I picked up on it, and in turn acted kind of the same way towards her, refusing to do simple things with her like trying on some shirts or picking out a bathing suit for her to try on (our time alone is quite precious to us, since we don't get as often as we would like), and when we got back to her house, I could tell she was upset. I had the chance to redeem myself a bit by playing in the sprinklers with her, but, again, I refused, saying that I didn't want to get wet and that sort of thing. So, we parted later that afternoon on a slightly more positive note, but I knew deep down that I had really screwed up, and that I wanted to make it up to her next time I saw her, which was either going to be this weekend, or the weekend of the 3rd. I just kind of assumed that she'd be there for me, and that I'd be able to make it better. However, on May 9th, I IMed her saying hi and stuff, thinking to myself that I wanted to talk to her about our relationship, since I knew it was in trouble, but before I could get started with that, she told me that she had something to say to me. My heart sank, and I thought to myself "she's going to break up with me...I just know it," and it turned out that my feeling was correct. In her email, she said that she didn't feel the same way about me as I do about her, and that her romantic feelings for me have faded. We talked for a while after that, and I made a lot of mistakes in the heat of the moment, a lot of which I can't even remember, but I know that I screwed up. The next day, I made ANOTHER mistake by writing her a very long and emotionally charged letter and sending it to her. In the letter I detailed my past, and I don't really know why I did. Maybe it was to make her feel sorry for me and come back, but I know now that that was the wrong thing to do. I also begged her to reconsider her decision, which is also a big no-no, and when I spoke to her again after she had read the letter, I apologized for begging, and that I realized that a lot of what I did was the wrong thing to do. We talked for a while, and ending up getting into a fight (our first ever, actually), and she said that she wanted a break. I said okay, and that I wouldn't bring up our relationship again, since I know she doesn't want to talk about it. After she got that email from me (saying I wouldn't talk about the relationship), she decided that the break was over, and wanted to reestablish contact with me as a friend. I asked her why she was talking to me after being so adament about having a break, and it made her angry, so I told her that I wanted a break, and that I would speak to her again when I was ready. Well, I caught wind that she was interested in this other guy, and I paniced and reestablished contact before I was truly ready, but I've been very careful not to mention the other guy, or ask about him or anything like that, even though I've been VERY tempted on several occasions. I kind of have the feeling that she's trying to make me jealous by saying how she wants to hang out with him more and that sort of thing, but I'm not giving her the satisfaction of letting her know that I am jealous, even though I know for a fact that I am. A couple of days ago, we were talking, and I was being very friendly and upbeat and all that, and she was acting very cold and indifferent towards me, which hurt my feelings, but I didn't say anything to her because I didn't want to give her the satisfaction that I was still hurting very badly. I thought about severing contact again after that conversation, but I had asked her to tell me how X3 was the next day (yesterday), so I figured I had to give her one more shot. Fast forward to last night. We ended up having an absolutely wonderful conversation. I got the impression that she was flirting with me, since she was acting like she did when we were together, with lots of laughing, playing with me, and that sort of thing. We talked about some old times together, and she seemed to receive those memories warmly, even expanding on some of them, so now I don't know what to do. I don't know if no contact is a viable option, especially since things are going so well all of a sudden, but I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from her. I love this girl with all of my heart, and I know she cares about me too, but I'm just so scared that our relationship is truly over, and that there's absolutely no hope of ever getting back together. I haven't spoken to her on the phone since the split, but I've kept in touch through email and IMs, but I'm just wondering if there's any hope for us at all. The main cause for the split, in my opinion, was the lack of communication, but I also think that she doesn't like that I'm so passive about things. I tend to give up or give in without much of a fight, and she doesn't like that. I think that she wants to have arguments with me every once in a while about stuff so we can kiss and make up, and I'm trying very hard to become less passive about stuff so she knows that I'm making an effort to change and become a better person. So, that's my story in a nutshell. I'm sorry it's so long, but I really needed to get everything off my chest. Strangely enough, though, a friend of mine went through the EXACT same thing with his girlfriend a year ago, and after several months of limited contact, then my friend initiating no contact, she contacted him saying that she made a mistake, and now they're back together and happier than ever. It's kind of eerie, really, since my relationship with my ex mirrors my friend's relationship with his girlfriend almost exactly, and with the way things are going between my ex and me now, I'm getting a very small amount of hope that she'll want to get back together again sometime down the road. I'm just so confused, though, and I'd really like some advice from other people in the same situation as me. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this, and thanks in advance for the advice.

How exactly should I sever contact, especially after the wonderful conversation we had last night? Should I just ignore her when she tries to contact me and let her wonder why I'm not speaking to her, or should I write her an email telling her that I can't handle being just friends, and that I no longer wish to speak with her? Also, should I tell her that when she's truly ready to speak with me, should I ask her to contact me, or should I just wait until she does it on her own? The thing that scares me the most is that she'll just think "He doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Fine, then I won't talk to him anymore, either," and that'll be the end of everything that I'm trying so hard to save. We've shared many great memories together, and we both loved each other very much at one time, but I'm just SO scared that she'll never contact me if and when I decide to sever contact between us.

I'm really confused now, though. We're talking now, and everything's going great. To me, she's acting like she did when we were together, and I'm getting very mixed messages. She even seems to be flirting with me, since she's playing with me and laughing a lot and stuff just like old times, and I'm extremely confused. We talked about some old times we had together, and she received those thoughts warmly, not become hostile at ALL, and I just don't know how to interpret this!

Hi guys. My girlfriend of 18 months broke up with me out of the blue on May 9th, saying that her romantic feelings for me have faded.I did a lot of what I wasn't supposed to do (wrote her a letter, talked to her a lot over IM about our relationship, professed my love for her, etc.), but I'm realizing that everything I've been doing is wrong. We got into a fight a week ago (our first ever, actually), and I told her I needed a break, and that I'd get back into contact with her when I was ready. A full week passed, and I kind of caught wind that she was interested in another guy, one who I don't think would treat her as well as I do, but that's not the point. The point is, I paniced, and reestablished contact, but I've been very careful not to mention the other guy, or ask about him when she mentions him to me about how she wants to hang out with him more and stuff. I'm kind of ignoring the issue, because I think she's trying to bait me into being jealous so she can stay mad at me. She's been acting kind of cold towards me, which I don't appreciate, but I don't really know what to do. I love this girl with all of my heart, and I'm absolutely terrified that she'll get with this new guy and forget about me and the times we had together. I want to see her very badly, and I was thinking about asking her if she'd like to see me sometime next month or in July, but I'm afraid that she'll say no. I'm just so confused as to what to do. I've never had a real girlfriend before her, and to be honest, I don't think I really WANT anyone else. Should I tell her that I want another break, since I don't like the way she's treating me, or should I just stop talking to her out of the blue, which runs the risk of making her angry with me and thinking that I'm being jealous and childish? Please help me!