zoot

I guess my thing is...he WILL contact me. I know this. We're being polite with one another so I know that eventually I'll receive some type of correspondence from him. But I struggle with just pulling up ranks and walking away. To gracefully disappear then, if I don't answer his call...Im not sure that'd be exactly graceful but maybe? Our last conversation was ok. Just weird. Can't put my finger on it but...have you ever gotten the feeling that something just wasn't right? I know he's not dating anyone else but I just am unsure if he's still feeling it.

We've been talking a little here and there, but something just isn't right. Maybe it's the memory of him breaking up with me? Or the words he said? Or the future we'll never have? Or his body language which I can't read, but something just isn't right. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but each day I feel like why am I even attempting to be in his life now? He's not yet come out and said that he wants to give things another try and I don't think he's even had much of a time to miss me in a proper way, though I miss him everyday. This is just an assumption ofcourse. But...it just feels like something's not quite right, something just dare I say isn't there? Has he fallen out of love with me and he's sure about it now? Maybe. So I sit here and ponder what to do. 1) Continue to sit back and take his calls, live my life, but also give things a deadline in my own mind? 2) Should I pull back and stop taking his calls and calling him. They have been far and few between, mainly calls, texts, emails and a note he mailed to me. Just simply disappear. I feel slightly guilty in doing this truth be told. Just because he was rude doens't mean I have to be. But in the same sense, it was him who asked for the break. Just remain silent. 3) If I chose to do the above, would it be wise to just stop answering OR would one suggest that I tell him that for now I have to take some time to myself. I don't think I'm ready to just say piss off don't ever call me again. I don't know what road we're following right now but I think I just decided that I needed more time to figure things out. And I honestly think he does as well, unless he all ready has... I read somewhere on here, about how some dumpers feel guilty for breaking up with dumpees so instead of fully stopping contact, they continue with light contact to ease their souls. We did have NC for a few months btw. Anyways I just wonder if this is what's happening in our situation. I can't really gage it. I was trying to remember certain things like if he contacted me first or i contacted him first and how many times this happened and i'm drawing a blank. I wonder if he's just responding to contact from me. So I don't know if I should sit back for awhile before I do any of the drastic moves I noted above, and take notice of this. We haven't had contact with one another since the 16th or the 19th - don't laugh honestly I forgot, it was via email. So I guess another alternative can be just to sit back and see if he contacts me first and gage the conversation. Now I know that it doesn't mean he wants to get back with me but...shrugs. Also, I am slightly worried that we could easily fall into the 'friend' catagory. Can I be his friend? My goal is more than friendship. I just don't want to throw it all out there and ask him 'so are we going to get back together again or what?' i've read that sometimes these things take time. And sometime they require a little more patience than not. I don't want to say something that will push him further away. Also, I don't want to be his backup plan. It's just a tough call. LASTLY, if I opt to just step away quietly, but later wanted to come back into his life - would it be easier just to step away or should I tell him i need some time to myself? I honestly would rather him chase me than the other way around b/c I feel like it would be more true. I know that I'll have to work as well for sure but I guess I'm just rambling my thoughts at this point in time. My friends call me the queen of finality. They say once I decide to push someone out, I can do it with ease. It's usually all or nothing with me without the gray in the middle. They say I should just sit back and relax and do my own thing but if I feel like I need to tell him to go away then I should do that but realize by in doing that, I may close the door forever. If I do it the other way, I can leave the door open for possibilities, that I've been changing my mind left and right anyways I should try to be consistant with things. But just step away without saying a word. I guess I just feel weird about ignoring his messages. I feel like if I ignore too many of them, he's going to be like oh she's mad or doesn't want to talk to me and just stop. forever. ??

Thanks DN and RayKay! RayKay, yes I do believe this also, we need to give it some time to see if things may be a possibility. I admit, I am jumping the gun a little. I believe we are compatibile and I think once this feeling of uncertainty we are having at the moment - as I said it feels like we're just starting to be in that stage of getting to know one another again. I just wonder, some people are in it for the excitement of the honeymoon stage and once that is over and you go into the more mature love stage, this is where some of the problems start to occur. I think we were transitioning into the mature love stage. That being said I'll just try to keep myself busy, be as happy as I can and take things slowly. I just responded to an email he sent me last week. I am going to just try to let him make the moves as he wanted this breakup he has to want to 'makeup' as well. I certainly do, but it isn't a one way street and I've done all I can I think. So I sit back and work on myself and see what becomes. OH...How will I know if he is just talking to me just to be nice? Or is he really talking to me because he wants to? Is it what he says when we talk or/and the fact that he keeps emailing me or calling me and not just responding to me? I should do a new topic on that one day. I wonder how do you tell that or is it just a chance you have to take when dealing with an ex?

Let me ask you...explain chemistry. I know what it is but I guess...he was having a grass is greener syndrome. I'm not sure that means his chemistry for me was completely at a zero, but I do know that it means that it was under 50% on a 100% scale if he was looking to go outside of the relationship to get his needs fufilled. He didn't cheat just wanted out to explore the possibilities.

This I guess is a question for the men more sore than the women. I wonder...is it possible to regain chemistry once it is lost in a relationship? Do you assume that the person has lost that chemistry after you breakup? After a breakup does the feelings of the dumper just come to an end or is there even the slightest feeling of hmmm I wonder? The ex and I had dinner and it was more a feeling of getting to know each other than let me jump the other partner. I could have kissed him that's true enough but from his side, I couldn't quite gage it. He did kiss be goodbye after a long hug But you know, that could have been anything. I just wonder if given time could it be rebuilt or rekindled or when it's gone is it just gone? And/or does time and distance help it OR continue to help squash it? If you broke up with your girl, didn't see her for x amount of time, then saw her, did you see her in a new light or was it just oh there's my ex she looks good. Do you remember her looking the way she did before or has her looks improved? And...did you feel sexually attracted to her even if there wasn't a chance you would not get back together. I'm just thinking about things and trying to figure this out I guess. It's next to impossible to read another person's mind and just because I'm feeling something still there, doesn't mean that he is, I know this to be true. I also know that he isn't the type of person who would sleep with me just to have exsex and then walk away. I've been with "that" guy before. I guess just taking it slowly is best...still I wonder, chemistry. How do you know that there are still sparks there? Can you tell after the first meeting, or does it take one or two meetings to see what's what.

i hate when people make a blanket statement such as "what's done is done" i know this isn't my thread, but it's not what was asked for. the rest is fine but over and over i see on this board blanket statements such as this and if we're here to support and help one another...saying something like that doesn't. the rest of it OK, but it the "what's done is done" statement that gets to me and other similar ones everytime. maybe im just moody today? but i'm not sure it just doesn't feel like help

Well they loved me, thought we were going to get married and thought I brought out the best in him. They were shocked about our breakup as well. I guess, I just a few people got dragged in the middle. I am wondering what/if my ex had mentioned anything about our breakup to them, making me look like the 'bad guy' but then again, I think probably not as I recall he told me that people had been asking him if he was sure and they thought he was going to regret it. Did you feel slightly "odd" at first or uncomfortable? He was having doubts and I do honestly believe wanted to see if the grass was greener. Don't know what he's been up to, don't WANT to but we're talking. It hasn't gotten to the relationship talk yet but I have a feeling it might get there eventually with time. My friends do not like him any longer. They think he's a jerk because of all of this (they loved him before but seeing how he hurt me...). BUT they are the type who would never say anything or act differently towards him purposely. I would hope that his people are the same but you know you can't really tell these things. I thought they were but now I am doubting it though a few of them still keep tabs on me, most have drifted away. But the family always loved me. Embraced me. Was like whoo hoo! we're about to marry him off it's about time. And then he freaked and now I'm here. I think my slight guilt comes from me thinking what they/others would think of me if I did go back to him. I know I have to get over this however becuase if we do...it doesn't matter what people think. But I was wondering, where we always spent so much time with others, I wonder if we still would b/c of the whole ordeal. I don't think I would want to in the beginning at least. But eventually maybe. Phew.

How do I handle them if we were to reconcile. I am curious to know how those of you who got back together dealt with the friends and family that might have gotten drawn into the breakup? I don't think they would ever say anything, but I think personally I would feel 'weird' about being around them. Heck I don't even know if he would bring me around them and maybe even vice versa! It feels so weird to have these thought but I do. I wonder if because they got brought into it a little, would this be a hinderence in our reconciliation if we do manage to work it out and get back together? Not being the dumper I wouldn't know but I was thinking this the other day. Have any of you ever felt anything coming from the other's friends and family or dealt with a situation like this? I know I shouldn't care what other people think but it is hard not to. It's our lives but if we get back together they will be a part of it again and I'll be a part of theirs again. I can only speak for my friends, they would accept him back though I think this time be very causcious. I think maybe I think too much of this. I was imagining them looking at me. Maybe not even talking to me. But then again, i guess if they don't talk to me then maybe they weren't "good people" to begin with. I do feel a slight guilt about this breakup even though it was on him, I wonder if other dumpees feel this way as well. But I wonder, how much influence and/or pressure can friends and family have on someone getting back together. And if it helps and/or hurts. Any thoughts on situations like this?

should you start NC again if you have all ready gone through NC? I just recently had dinner with my ex and it went well. We didn't talk about the breakup or anything just kept it light and simple. Anyways, days later I am thinking about this. Is this really something I want to do right now again? I'm not sure if I'm completely healed. I have to be honest with you, I am still slightly mad about the whole breakup. I'd like to work things out with him but...I was / am kind of still upset about the grass is greener statement. Plus a few other things he said during the breakup. It's been awhile, but seeing him brought it up again. Feels like he may be holding onto something as well. So I wonder, can you start NC again? I don't want to completely close the door, I do want to work it out, but I think that because I still harbor some feelings that it might be best to take a step back and regroup. Would doing this - do you think - hurt any chances we may have had in reconcilling? Should I tell him I need more time or just take the time? I guess I am just wondering about when he calls me (if he calls) next. Ignore the call or pick it up and let him know or just keep it to the small talk we've been doing but if he invites me out just say no.

did you text him back? yeah that's pretty much what i am thinking...but i guess i'm slightly wondering for myself i guess...if i should completely just live my life without him. just cut it off before it starts. go back into nc - the way that i explained above. i would think if he really really wanted me...then he would fight to have me back and if he doesn't. then i have my answer. you'd think that it was so black and white but i guess it isn't...or is it? some people have problems fighting, but then again...if he can't/won't fight for me then i shouldn't be with him. CAN YOU JUST STOP? I mean I know you can...but can you? Like let's just think that I just decided today that I feel the effort isn't big enough, even though we're back in communication and it seems friendly enough, can I make that decision right here right now and just stop. Go back into NC without leaving a forwarding address or saying as much as a peep? Not as a punishment but as just a way to end this all. I do love him. Truly I do but...I think I'm ready. I think it's time to leave him in the past and give him what he off handedly wanted...to experience life without me.

Oh why we broke up in the first place... We dated for 3 years, broke up about 4 months ago, he wanted out of the relationship and became cold and distant - said some mean things too, i cried a little bit, begged a little bit, then walked away, there was a little more drama involved but basically he wanted to test the waters to see...if the grass was greener - i have no proof he cheated, im not sure he did - i don't have those feelings that he did but...the cold and distant had me slightly worried. I know he isn't currently dating anyone but I would be a fool to believe that he hasn't been on any dates with anyone. We only had NC for 2 months and have been in contact for 1, very tiny bits and pieces. I don't think he's looking for a replacement gf, I kind of get the feeling he was/is looking to sow his oats. But honestly...it doesn't feel like he's running to me. I think it's because of all this hesitation I feel. I don't want to make a mistake by pulling back completely but at the same time I don't want to stick around where I'm not really wanted. I think it would be too soon to ask him what does he want out of this. That might be a little bit too heavy for our second meeting if there is one. Still...I guess I'm just comparing it to another man I got back with. It just happened after five months of strict nc. He called me and poof the next week we just hit it off again and got back together effortlessly. this feels like it's going to take a little effort on my part maybe a lot more on my part than his. and that's why i ask, since he was the dumper, shouldn't he be making more of the effort?

are you sure it wasn't the postal delivery person who wrote it? sometimes they do that. they did it to me, i knew it wasn't my ex's writing - too neat. figured the post offericer guy who knew the new address change and didn't want to take it back to the general office for that yellow sticker. or soemthing like that.

I had dinner with my ex last night and it was nice. We talked about old times and about what I was up to vice versa. I would love nothing better than to get back with him but I am unsure about what he wants. I could not tell anything from this meeting other than it seemed like he was very nervous. I don't want to freak myself off but it seemed like we were friends more than boyfriend/girlfriend...there weren't any sparks. But could this be because we were with each other before for so long? I didn't think he would throw his hands up in the air proclaiming his love for me either but I guess I expected a little bit more than what I got and what it felt like I got was...a hesitation or sorts. I'm not sure he's still attracted to me. I do look a lot better than when we were together imo - you know how it is when you break up you work on yourself more to dull the pain and to get yourself back - and I did notice him quickly give me the once over...but he didn't say anything. Didn't compliment me in any way. Didn't really face me either when we were eatting. I sat on a bench and instead of sitting accross from me, he sat on a "side" of the square table right next to me. We hugged goodbye. I am assuming that it was weird to him, this meeting? and maybe he has never gone through something like this before. Or maybe it's just that he has decided that he no longer likes me in that way? I might be thinking things too much as it was our first contact in awhile, but there just didn't seem to be the same spark of passion there was before, just great hesitation. I just don't know. I had a sleepless night last night and am torn between just going back into NC or waiting it out to see what happens. By waiting it out I mean continuing with my life as it is and if he happens to call me talk to him. I just was thinking though...he wanted to see if the grass was greener and I'm not sure if he's had enough time to really explore this. Not being able to 'read him' was slightly upsetting as well. It's like does he want to try this with me again? Does he want me to go away? Is he just being polite? Will those lustful feelings come back after the uncomfortable ones go? Or...should I just cut my losses now? Does this intereaction in the way that we are doing things sometimes lead up to reconciliation in a way? Can you usually tell what someone is thinking or what road they want to follow by just one meeting? Our telephone calls have been short but they've been nice. I am thinking even that maybe we should have kept to those for a while longer rather than meeting each other. I was fine but it seemed as if he was not. Maybe he's just not ready to get back into a relationship with me again. But it drives me crazy because it's like how do you know? He certainly isn't going to say it, and actions speak louder than words, so what actions should I be looking for other than the complete obvious ones. And I hate to be this person but...I am also thinking of distancing myself from him a little bit. Just making myself a little less...obtainable. Like I said, just kind of living my life and letting him contact me when he wants to. I don't think really he had a great chance to miss me, I don't think that we had enough distance and time - I just don't know. We do have a lot to talk about in order to repair things but I figure that'll come with time. Still...I hesitate because the meeting was...a good one but no sparks flew. Shouldn't he be trying to win me back instead of the other way around?

It doesn't matter if the wife(or husband) was loving or not. They should get out if they are not fufilled. Easier said than done but cheating on someone is not the answer. It's rude, mean, selfish, etc. I think the world is black and white when it comes to cheating on your partner no matter what the situation is. It's wrong imo. And the person who does it is wrong. However, when it comes to trying to reconcile after this betrayal has taken place...that's when you get into shades of gray. Sometimes cheaters can be forgiven and sometimes not. You just have to figure out what type of a cheater you have I guess. Whether it's a one time "whoops" or a long time or habitual cheater. A one time "whoops" is much easier to work with but if the person is doing it over and over again whether it's an affair OR it's jsut with different women. Shows to me that they have no integrity. No matter if their wife/husband was cruella deville so to speak. Unless there is an agreement. I think that a spouse who uses sex as a bargaining chip or treats him/her with disdain is pretty low and mean itself but being cheated on, no matter what the situation is just pretty darn low. ALSO I think that it's probably equal when it comes to men/women cheaters regardless of what the show Cheaters says. Does anyone have any real statistics on this? It's interesting to me that on this board seems like the majoraity of people posting about their cheating partners are men however on a board like ivillage most are women - so it just makes me think that it's not a far gap...or maybe it is?

My ex wants to meet with me sometime soon he said never really giving a time or date. I always have felt like we were on his time schedule even during the relationship and now that we're out of it...I still feel this way! Should I sit back and wait for him to contact me or should I just go ahead and drop him a line letting him know I'd like to meet with him on this day or this day because I'll be free. The thing is, I just don't want to continue playing this waiting "game" and it's hard not to. I figure if I am important to him...if this is important to him, he will make time out of his scheduele and meet up with me. If he doesn't, then I'll have the answer I have been waiting for (if there is a chance for reconciliation). I was thinking of telling him I want to meet this weekend. I have things coming up and I don't want to be distracted from it. I've done the NC thing and he did contact me. I got myself back in order and have been focusing on my career and household. Was surprized that he contacted me but welcomed it. About me taking the reins back from him, I have been hesitant b/c I didn't want to come off as the needy chick, couldn't even wait for him to contact me to let me know when he wanted to meet with me. But then I thought about this and thought how rude! We don't always have to be on his time and yet we are. I think I read someone else was going through this as well? If you read this please PM me. Also there are those who say that you should let the dumper take the reins and let him steer. But...I don't know if this is always correct. I'd like to give our relationshp another try but I don't think I can handle playing the cat and mouse game. Let's meet up and talk and decide right then. Certain doom? Or taking the power away? (BTW - we dated for 3 years, broke up about 4 months ago, he wanted out of the relationship and became cold and distant - said some mean things too, i cried a little bit, begged a little bit, then walked away, there was a little more drama involved but basically i think he wanted to test the waters or see...if the gas was greener - i have no proof he cheated, im not sure he did - i don't have those feelings)