jazz_lover

As you said millions of everyday people are in relationships and the majority of them are ordinary looking with regular jobs. You are getting dates and the women dating you know what you look like and what you do. So again that suggests the career/your looks are not dealbreakers. And I agree many women looking to settle down would consider you to be a catch. You just have to start believing that.

The distance is an excuse. It didn't seem to bother her in the beginning. And you only live half an hour away and there is public transport. And to some extent if she did show up last week and waited for an hour that could have blown up the issue in her mind. Really you should have been a gentleman and offered to meet her in her town for the second date. Although as I said I think she is using the distance as an excuse. You are probably right that other girls liking your IG picture triggered some jealousy and re-sparked some interest. But as soon as she got back in touch you gave her a lot of attention, and again started pushing hard to reschedule the date so she lost interest again and that is probably why she was cold and distant the next day. And the sexting is also bad news. By taking the bait you probably confirmed in her mind you are just another horny guy looking for sex which is probably why she is scared of real life dating/relationships and prefers these weird cyber/social media relationships where she can stay in control and have everything entirely on her terms while leaving you frustrated. Basically this is going nowhere. You have wasted enough time. It is great she has "broken up" with you and I suggest if she contacts you again in the future (and she probably will) you ignore her. And you should definitely delete her from your instagram

Definitely a relationship of convenience for him. You've gone out of your way to make yourself useful to him (providing business advice/helping him entertain guests/personal assistant/house sitter/mentee etc). And you also haven't been pressuring him for a commitment and generally seem pretty low maintenance and willing to put his needs first. So I can see the attraction for him. You seem to be getting the raw end of the deal but are hanging around because you have feelings for him and are fooling yourself into thinking that this could lead somewhere. Also you do not know what he is looking for. He may be looking for a relationship of equals with a successful career woman. But you do not have that. Your relationship is closer to mentor/mentee or CEO/consultant and a successful career woman wouldn't have time to play house, help him with his business, and do all the other stuff you do for him. Also generally relationship of equals involve partners successful in independent fields with little overlap. The physical intimacy thing is also a little worrying. I imagine he was being physically intimate with his female visitors. Does he show you any genuine affection or is that also lacking? And has he expressed any romantic feelings for you? My guess is probably not so much. You mention lots of things that you view as indicative you are in a relationship. You talk about his generosity but you seem to regard it as a form of payment for services rendered. You talk about him romancing you early on. But that is a form of salesmanship and charismatic CEOs are very good at that. You mention he is protective of you but that is consistent with him seeing you as a mentee and a friend. He referred to you a few times as his girlfriend but that is just a label which at the time may have been convenient to use especially considering how blurry your actual relationship is. You mention he has introduced you to his friends but it may just be because you are around so much that it would be too much effort to hide you and you are good at helping him to entertain guests and willing to step in and help with cooking etc. And he probably also realizes that introducing you to his friends will give you a sense of significance that will make you willing to continue being useful to him.

It sounds like a relationship of convenience for him. Obviously there are perks for you. But if you want an exclusive commited relationship you aren't going to have it with this man.

If you are interested suggest you guys grab a coffee after your shift finishes. If she has a boyfriend she will either find some excuse why she can't do coffee and make no attempt to reschedule or alternatively if she is interested in friendship will agree to coffee and mention the boyfriend at some point in the conversation. She seems friendly so I am sure she won't be offended even if she isn't interested or available.

I think the other thing is you are 21. So you are probably going to have to date and have relationships with other guys to help you get a sense of what works for you. And you are also going to grow up and what is important to you will change over time. It sounds as though this guy met your needs for security and attention and that made you happy for a while. But now you realize that you want more and feel something is missing. So it is probably fairer to break up with this guy and look for someone you are more compatible with.

Mmm especially with the other post it seems to me like you are building your case that you guys aren't compatible so that you feel less guilty when you dump your boyfriend and looking for support from strangers on an online forum. Generally people don't look for reasons to break up with someone unless their feelings are waning. How about offering to walk the dog a few times a week? It would calm the dog down and it would help you and the dog bond. And you could sometimes go on walks with the bf. He obviously loves the dog and the dog is important to him. So if you care about him shouldn't you try to make an effort to love the dog even if the dog doesn't meet your high standards of appropriate canine behaviour? Having arguments about dog training and criticizing the dog isn't exactly helping to build intimacy.

Yeah I think if someone is happy and in love they don't start questioning the relationship and finding fault to the extent you are. You seem to feel as though something is missing in your relationship and trying to rationalize why you feel dissatisfied.

I think you are too focused on trying to raise her interest in you by flirting. It can easily backfire by either making the woman uncomfortable (which seems to be the case here) or by making you seem like an attention seeker that is trying too hard. Ditto with being overly touchy feely on dates which you mentioned in your other thread. As for trying to read her interest level before the date. She agreed to a date and so long as she shows up you can assume she is interested in getting to know you better. No further thought required.

Is it an exception? Or is there a pattern whereby she meets a guy she likes, he pressures her for sex, and she goes along with it because she doesn't want to disappoint him and is crushing on him, and then gets hurt? Maybe she was trying to break that pattern or had a sense of deja vu and started having doubts. Of course impossible to know. Agree that a lot of women have sex for fun or to test the chemistry. But those women are usually more mature than this one and don't get so emotionally involved texting guys they hardly know every day to say they love them and agreeing to an instarelationship on the basis of one date.

Yeah too much intensity. There shouldn't be lots of hugging and kissing on a first date. When there are no real feelings involved (which there can't possibly be on the first date) either the girl will eventually get bored and feel smothered by all the affection or she will get turned on and frustrated and even annoyed. Also if you are spending a lot of time making out it means you aren't spending enough time connecting and if the girl is looking for a relationship and leaves the first date not really feeling a connection then that could easily explain why she doesn't want a second date. You should wait a few days before suggesting another date. Cut out all the texting between dates. Use texts primarily for arranging the next date. And definitely no sexting! And stop trying to skip steps and jump into a relationship and jump into bed. Dating should be an enjoyable process where you get to know someone better through conversation and enjoying fun activities together. If the two of you are a good match then a relationship will develop naturally without either of you having to force it.

From the sound of it you both got turned on during the first date, started sexting, which led to some kind of discussion of logistics and plans to have sex. You seem confused and blindsided that it didn't happen. But I think in general women require some level of trust and comfort to have sex with someone whereas for men physical attraction and lust can be enough and blinded by lust they can easily ignore risks such as pregnancy/STDs etc. So I suspect before the date some doubts were building up in her mind and either these led to her flaking or your failure to show cemented the doubts and broke her trust. And if she gets the idea in her head that you are just after sex then your persistence in pushing for another date would strengthen that conviction in her mind especially as she already has a negative association with her prior experiences with men. Also it is crazy you are having all these intense conversations after the misunderstanding about feelings, breaking up etc. Way too much drama and I suspect that is also making her feel overwhelmed and want her space. I think your best bet was to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she did show up and apologize once, promise it wouldn't happen again, and offer to make it up to her by visiting her in her town the following weekend and taking her out for dinner. And if she made an excuse or seemed hesitant backed off and let her suggest meeting again when she felt ready to give you another chance.

This girl may go out with you because she likes you. But when she realizes you are not attracted to her and cannot bring yourself to kiss her or touch her she will also feel something is missing. You talk about "true love". And I don't think that is a realistic objective for most people so everyone has to settle to some degree. But you do need to be physically attracted to someone, like them, feel a connection, have some basic compatibility in terms of personalities/life goals/values/interests etc and basically enjoy spending time together and bond.

Seems a little suspicious her phone would conveniently stop working two hours before the scheduled date and then magically start working again right after she got home (on the assumption she did in fact wait for 40 minutes before driving the 26 minutes it takes to get home). It is very easy simply to switch off your mobile data and go AWOL. I think she simply got cold feet. That would fit with her going distant after the broken date and not being in any rush to reschedule and talking about wanting a break etc. And you compounded things by acting desperate after the broken date. She obviously got the sense you were worried about losing her or she wouldn't have felt the need to try to placate you by saying she still loves you and doesn't want to break up. And you keep pestering her for another date even though she gives you weak excuses and makes no effort to counter-offer. So you aren't really backing off you are still very much pursuing her while she is figuring out the best way to break it off completely.

I also think she felt you were being over familiar and trying to force the friendship and it rubbed her up the wrong way and made her suspicious about your motives. That could be why she tried to downplay your college friendship. And perhaps attacking you was her way of trying to create some distance between you in a dysfunctional way. Anyway you tried to reconnect but it didn't work out. So best to move on and make other friends and leave her alone.

She may have been a good friend at college but people change and you obviously are not connecting. And she clearly does not have the same warm fuzzy feelings as she is denying your friendship. So do not be blinded by nostalgia or think that you can recapture this lost connection. I suspect she is a bit suspicious of your motives. She is going through a nasty divorce and perhaps feels vulnerable and probably thinks you have some ulterior romantic motives and are using your college connection as a way in. And I can understand the youtube video might have made her feel uncomfortable and further raised her heckles. Maybe at the outset she figured being platonic email buddies would be harmless. But you've rubbed her up the wrong way and further communication isn't advisable. Being apologetic will just annoy her even more. And there is also a chance she will decide to use you as a punching bag and lure you back in by a temporary cease of hostilities and then pounce when you say something else that bothers her. There is nothing friendly about the emails you shared and therefore no basis for friendship so I suggest you just stop communicating with her.

As you said he ruined your holiday. Considering he cheated on you and ruined your relationship he should have gracefully bowed out of the trip. I have absolutely no idea why he came to Rome. Maybe the initial impulse was some ham fisted plan to get you back but when he arrived he was too proud to go through with it. Or maybe he figured making the journey was enough and you'd throw yourself at him without him having to do anything more. But as you sensed even if he does want you back he does not feel any guilt or remorse and is driven by selfish motives and his massive ego.

Online dating is competitive so getting in good shape, getting a good haircut, wearing clothes that fit well, and getting a professional photographer or a friend who knows how to take good photos makes a massive difference and will give you more opportunities which will help with the scarcity mentality. Also expect a lot of flakiness early on in the process before you meet face to face and do not take it personally. If someone doesn't reply promptly or at all it could mean either they feel you aren't really vibing, or they've found someone else on the site they are more interested in, or they got caught up with real life and temporarily (or permanently) forgot about you. If they have any interest at all eventually they will get back to you. And if they don't then so what as you will have other situations in the works. The best way to short circuit all of this is to not waste too much time texting and suggest a face to face meet. A lot of people will appreciate the directness and interpret it as meaning that you are confident and also serious about meeting someone. And once you have met face to face then assuming you hit it off you will become more of a priority and the texting will be more consistent and again you can shortcircuit some of the anxiety by primarily using texting to arrange the next date.

Yeah all she has said is that she wants you in her life. That is very vague and gives no indication that she loves you and wants to get back together. And the fact this "revelation" was triggered by another round of no contact is suspect and I think she is just trying to lure you by giving you false hope. The danger is she will continue to use you as an emotional crutch until she feels strong enough to go it alone and will use her psychological issues as an excuse for why she is not yet ready to resume the relationship. Also as you correctly identified you are going to see her as a flight risk and that will make it difficult for you to feel comfortable and happy with her and it could make you insecure and clingy which could push her away again. So the future dynamic could be problematic. If the psychological issues are why she felt she couldn't be in a relationship with you they aren't going to be resolved overnight and will continue to cause problems for you in the future. But if (far more likely IMO) they are a smokescreen and she lost feelings for you then even if you get back together there will be a point in the future where she again decides she doesn't want to be with someone she doesn't love even if she does value your emotional support and feels connected to you. And going at a turtles pace sounds sensible but what will probably happen is eventually there will be another sticking point where the relationship feels too real again to her and she will want out again. And as you suggested in your initial post you want a long term future with this woman. If you want to give it another go I suggest skipping the long talks and baby stepping and ask her if she is ready to resume your relationship and if she sees a long term future with you? Anything less than an enthusiastic and unequivocal yes to both questions and I'd walk away.

From what you wrote he isn't being dishonest. Exclusivity wasn't discussed and after five weeks it cannot automatically be assumed. Especially not in this day and age. Agree that if he was serious about you he'd only have eyes for you and drop the other girls. So not a great sign. But then again it has only been five weeks. Eventually he will have to choose but he may be more willing to make that choice (and choose you) if he has a bit more data and knows you better. But of course by postponing the conversation you will in the meantime feel uncomfortable knowing about the other girl and worry you are wasting your time. So a tough call really. Interested to see what other posters have to say.

It seems you are buying her excuse that she broke up with you because of commitment issues and because she wants to be alone. But really that is just a version of "it's not you, it's me" and it is giving you false hope. 100% she doesn't see your relationship as meaningful and wonderful or she wouldn't have ended it. Also there is an unbonding process so breakups can be hard on dumpers. So not surprising she's taking advantage of your emotional support and is angry when you withdrew it. And also not surprising she missed you and reached out. But it doesn't mean she has any desire to get back together as she made clear. And because she can't reciprocate your feeling she is instead trying to make you feel significant ("the only one. ...important....etc..") and you are reading too much into it. And when you say it doesn't feel like you are friends you are projecting. For her you are simply a source of emotional support and someone to talk to and spend time with so she doesn't have to bear the full burden of being single until she feels strong enough to properly go it alone and feels ready to meet someone new. I also don't think NC really works to get people back. Maybe if the break up was impulsive and the person is still in love with you it can create the necessary space and distance to allow them to put things in perspective. But if the person has fallen out of love with you it won't change their feelings. Sure they may miss you...like I said there is an unbonding process. And they might want you back for selfish reasons (e.g. they feel lonely/are going through a bad time/their ego is bruised/they want you now they can't have you). But you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you.

Erotic impulses can be confusing especially at a very young age. Your sexuality now is much more evolved than it was then. So it is much more relevant what arouses you at your current age. And even if you feel danger still arouses you it should be obvious that a cheap sexual thrill isn't worth putting your life into any actual danger. Not everything that feels good is good for you. Of course you can try to explore these impulses in a safe way by using your imagination/fantasising/engaging in role play/BDSM etc. But the danger is that will make you want the real thing. So maybe best left alone.

thanks catfeeder. I think seeing red flags isn't necessarily the difficult part. It is resisting the temptation to ignore them and make excuses/rationalize especially when you are emotionally involved. I guess I was lucky that this girl showed her hand so quickly before I got smitten. Batya thanks for sharing the anecdote about your future husband. I guess a lot of romance is about anticipation and rushing things ruins it in that respect. And also that when you really want someone you will tend to be cautious because you don't want to screw things up. With me I know I really like someone because I feel nervous and shy. I also feel a little scared because of the sense of vertigo and fear of falling. So I guess my head and my heart are both engaged.

Of course that is how it usually works. I guess I found it flattering that this girl threw herself at me especially as I was rather taken by her at first. But I guess lack of self control has its downsides.

Definitely by emotional I don't mean emotionally unstable. What I mean is that I grew up around very reserved people and tend that way myself so I like people who express their emotions and have an emotional range and are in touch with their feelings and emotions and are emotionally intelligent. I guess by not holding back I mean not playing hard to get or hiding their interest. Usually I like a bit of uncertainty and not knowing where I stand at least in the beginning. But I guess right now it feels nice to skip that part although obviously in this girl's case there was a catch. And yeah I guess it is about balance. Sweet all the time would become sickly. And fun all the time would be exhausting. And there is a time for playfulness/flirtation and a time for seriousness. And of course no one wants someone cynical and bitter and sarcastic and critical and so on and people with those attributes try to hide them at least in the beginning but I think if you pay attention you can usually spot them.