jazz_lover

Interesting questions Batya. I would say the appeal of this girl was she was sweet, a bit silly and seemed really into me and made no effort to hold back. Of course there is a catch and she is controlling and manipulative. I do not really know what I am looking for long term. I have female friends who are mature and grounded and reasonable and rational and calm and centered that I can have thoughtful discussions with and so on. And I have dated women like this before and it hasn't really gone anywhere. I can enjoy their company and the sex but something is missing. I seem to be attracted to women who are more emotional and dramatic and definitely extroverted. I wouldn't say I want a girl to be submissive or helpless but I like gentleness and sweetness and warmth as opposed to a girl who is cynical, jaded, bitter, sarcastic, argumentative, cold, aloof, aggressive etc. And I find a bit of vulnerability attractive as it brings out my protective instinct. And because I think too much and am too serious I quite like it if a woman is less introspective and playful and fun while still being responsible and able to be serious when required.

Yeah I ended it. Didn't mind her wondering if I was talking to other girls and getting a bit jealous. But felt it was too heavy handed to basically give me a month's notice to get rid of them.

Back to the drawing board. Took her for a picnic this afternoon and more red flags. She started complaining that my status was online a lot on Whatsapp and asked who I was talking to. I said friends and family. She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle which I took to mean she was already pushing for exclusivity. She also asked what we were doing for Easter which is three weeks away.

Don't think she specifically mentioned she wanted passionate guys who go hot and heavy. I wasn't really sure what she meant when she talked about guys who went cold. I interpreted it more as when she feels a guy is losing interest in her or not showing her enough attention she bolts. Should have really asked her to clarify. She might have just had some bad experience with players and might be now ready to meet a nice guy. I guess I will find out. Also no indication yet that she blows hot and cold. She has been pretty consistent so far. She has seemed happy to see me and spend time with me. There is a heatwave midweek so I suggested a picnic Wednesday afternoon and she agreed and said she would bring picnic food and sun lotion. Will see how that goes. And yeah won't get my hopes up and I think this time round will continue dating other women until she brings up exclusivity.

Yeah initial signs are quite positive. She says she only likes to party once every few months. She says she doesn't drink much. And she mentioned the guys in her social circle weren't relationship material which is why she is on the dating apps. And she says she likes quiet guys. She also wanted to make sure that I also wanted kids in the future so I guess that also indicates she is a serious girl and doesn't want to waste her time. She is early 30s Im mid 30s.

I've had a few dates with this very sweet Persian girl. She likes that I speak a bit of the language saying it melts her heart and from the beginning she has been very affectionate and touchy feely....making out with me in the pub on our first date, holding my hands while we waited for dinner on the second date, snuggling up and resting her head on my chest during the movie on our second date and hugging me tightly during the scary bits and kissing me during lulls in the movie etc. She is also talking about all these future activities she wants to do together. She even mentioned she was going skiing end of the month and did I want to go. I didn't know if the invitation was serious so sidestepped it and she didn't bring it up again. She said she swiped left on 100 guys on the dating app before she came to my profile and has basically told me I am exactly her type. Obviously this is all very flattering and feels great especially as she is cute and sweet and warm. But of course she hardly knows me and to have this kind of initial intensity probably means she has idealized me in her mind. To give an indication her dating app profile tagline was "Passionately romantic looking for the perfect lover". So that is a lot for a guy to try to live up to! Also in my experience girls who can heat up very quickly can also go cold very quickly especially when expectations meet reality. And I have been burnt in the past and am not just looking for a spring fling so I am feeling a bit cautious. And with the last girl I was interested in things headed south when I showed too much interest so my inclination at the moment is to play it cool. I am a little familiar with her culture and they don't really have the concept of dating so people tend to jump in (and out) of relationships very quickly. And their women tend to be hot blooded and very emotional. On the plus side so far she is not blowing up my phone with texts and letting me initiate contact and propose dates. So that should help me slow things down. She also warned me that when she senses a guy is going cold she moves on so she doesn't get hurt. So I face a difficult balancing act as if she starts to feel neglected or if I seem too hesitant or unsure and do not match her intensity to some degree that could put her off and kill some of the romance but if I don't cool her jets and take things slow it could fizzle out very quickly. Any suggestions on how I can strike the right balance?

I have tried going on some dates but no one has sparked my interest and it feels like I am going through the motions. And of course difficult to avoid comparing everyone to her.

Yeah I regret not walking away end of November when we were still getting along well. Something changed in December. She started pulling away, socializing a lot more (without inviting me along) and was always tired and moody when we met. We had a great date middle of December which seemed to reignite her interest and she got enthusiastic and suggested a staycation, dinner with a couple she is close to. But it feels as though we lost whatever connection we had during her isolation as she started texting me a lot less and when she did text me she was invariably sarcastic and snappy or short. And when her isolation ended even though she wanted to do all these activities with me she seemed bored and moody and was always finding fault with me. She spent the whole weekend with me over the New Year but then the next day wanted to reschedule the staycation so we could have a little break as she felt like it could be a bit too much. So that probably indicated she was feeling fed up with me. And I guess the staycation was a total disaster because she was tense about the trip and having doubts about me and I got upset because she was being cold and distant and it all escalated from there.

MissCanuck what makes you think that? I have a few suspicions. The timeline for me was very confusing. Middle of December she wanted to go on a staycation together and wanted me to meet her best friends and introduce me as her boyfriend and wanted to spend Christmas with my family and NYE together. Then she catches COVID and isolates for 10 days and starts texting me less and less. But then from Christmas she wants to do things pretty much every other day and spends the whole weekend with me over the New Year and then a week later breaks up with me on the trip and cuts off contact completely aside from occasional texts to arrange to collect her stuff. It just all feels so unnecessary. She obviously realized over her COVID isolation that she didn't want to be with me and most likely was lining up other guys on dating apps . So why bother marking special occasions like Christmas and NYE with me? And thanks for the advice Wiseman2. You are right. Lockdown wasn't very kind on me and she brought some excitement to my life as well as giving me attention and keeping me company. But agreed I need to get myself into a better place before I start dating again.

Relationship ended three weeks ago. She didn't even want to stay friends. Not that I would have accepted it. But the ease at which she was able to simply cut off contact after texting me every day for the previous four months caught me by surprise. Especially as we'd been spending so much time together after Christmas. But I guess she got bored and fed up with me and the benefits (i.e. food, entertainment, drinks) no longer seemed worth it.

I dunno. After we broke up I went back on the dating app where we met and saw she had an updated profile. Maybe she took advantage of her self-isolation from COVID to line up some potential dates. But her comment about "not enough connection" hurt. It is the kinda thing you should know after the first few dates not after four months. And if we lost our connection it is because she stopped making an effort and became tired and moody and non-communicative. During our break up weekend she also made a dig about the ED saying she also didn't think our chemistry was that good because I flopped several times. In actual fact it was only three occasions and the dozen other occasions we had sex there were no issues whatsoever. But anyway I guess bottom line is she never had strong feelings for me and got bored of me and probably lined up other prospects she wants to explore in January and beyond.

Well handed her back her stuff. She apologized for ending things and asked if I was OK and said she just didn't feel there was enough of a connection between us to go further and she did not want to waste anyone's time so she had to do what she did.

Yeah. What is worse is that we saw so much of each other over the holidays: 25th, 27th, 29th, 30th, 31st-2nd, 5th, 8th-9th. Obviously that is way too much. But she was the one wanting to see me all the time. Of course she was probably just bored and lonely over the holidays and wanted to go to movies, musicals, jazz clubs, restaurants etc. But it was enough to give me a bit of false hope as well as growing more attached to her. But I guess the more time she spent with me the more she ended up hating me.

Hey T. I am still struggling to understand your interpretation. I told her I liked her and wanted her to be my girlfriend and didn't like the idea of her dating other men. Maybe I didn't tell her I loved her (which she bizarrely mentioned while she was in the process of breaking up with me) but she'd done nothing to indicate she felt the same way so saying it would have just seemed like adding more relationship pressure when she said she wasn't ready for anything serious. Andrina yeah I probably do have low self esteem. She's pretty and extroverted. While I am an average looking introverted guy. So I guess I always felt lucky to be with her and put up with her being difficult. But at the same time she was good at making me think everything I was doing was wrong.

Yeah just still feels quite sudden. We'd been spending a lot of time together over the holiday period. And she said her friends thought we were in a relationship and she spent the entire weekend at my place over NYE so it seemed like we were getting to a cosy comfortable stage and easing off on all the nights out. She had left some pyjamas and clothes at my place and a toothbrush. So I thought it would last a little while longer. But I guess the signs were there. She was texting me a lot less. She was being a lot more critical and rude towards me and was often tired and moody. No idea what she meant about the complaint that I hadn't said I love her yet but I guess she just saw it as another example of how I wasn't aggressive enough and wasn't leading. As I mentioned she messaged me right after the trip saying she wanted to drop by at some point to collect her stuff and saying she was sorry if she made me feel sorry (***?) and she was glad she was honest and i deserved someone who cared and valued me and saying she may have felt tense because of PMS and bad past memories about vacations but she enjoyed the countryside. I took a few days and replied saying I was glad she got some enjoyment out of the trip and shame she felt tense as I wanted it to be a relaxing break for us and maybe it was a bit too soon for us to holiday together especially after spending so much time together since Christmas and her gin was being well taken care of (one of the things she mentioned she wanted to collect). She replied back ignoring most of it and saying "Take it from your msg that the gin is being subject to some consumer testing :P" I joked back "Could be :)" and she replied "Why would you open up a product that I bought for myself lol". I joked "I guess I cannot resist temptation" and instead of continuing the banter she ignored the text and it has been a few days and nothing from her. Also saw on her IG that she has a story asking if any of her friends are willing and able to host a house party and to message her for details questions. So I guess she is single and ready to mingle. Feeling very depressed and heartbroken. I knew it wasn't going that well but I always hoped that things would settle down and improve

Well I didn't have the strength to break it off but she eventually did it herself. After Christmas we spent a lot of time hanging out: going to a carnival, a musical, hanging out at my place and then going to a NYE event. After the NYE event she ended up spending the whole weekend with me. So I stupidly thought that things were going OK. But in retrospect I noticed she was now only texting me to arrange dates/future plans whereas before she would text me throughout the day telling me what she was up to or sharing silly instagram memes etc. I have also noticed in recent weeks she is more critical of me finding fault in me on several occasions. She wanted to come over on Friday evening so we could travel to the countryside together on Saturday. Friday evening was OK but she said she felt tired and we just watched a movie and went to bed. Saturday she woke us up early (too early for my taste) and from the start she was quite ***y complaining when I accidentally let her suitcase go through a puddle. She was quiet on the train just wanting to read her book and doing her best to avoid sitting next to me by placing her bags on the seat next to her. We arrived at our destination and she cheered up a bit as she got me to take some photos and she enjoyed the souvenir shops. We then went for an afternoon tea and she was quiet but polite and then went for a walk and a drink. Over the drink she was completely silent and staring into space and I asked if everything was OK. She asked whether I thought we had a connection. She then said she felt something is missing. But said she may be overthinking things. This was left hanging as she then again wanted to read before dinner and after a quiet dinner we watched some TV and attempted to have sex but she wanted to do it in the dark and I was tired so by the time I'd fumbled around for a condom I lost my erection. She seemed annoyed and rolled over and said we should try to sleep. Next morning she was quiet but polite over breakfast and we went on a walk. Somehow she started talking again saying she didn't think we were compatible and I wasn't dynamic enough and she didn't want to lead me on or waste my time. She also said that she didn't think our chemistry was good as there had been a few instances where I'd lost my erection. And said something about wanting to be alone. Bizarrely she also complained that I hadn't said that I love her as her exes had all said within a couple of months. I said what do you expect when you told me you weren't ready for seriousness and exclusivity and didn't want to label things. She said that if you feel it you can't help yourself from saying it. Rest of the trip she was almost completely silent reading her book on the train and then instead of letting me take her home insisting on getting a taxi for herself. An hour later she texts me asking when she can come over to pick up her stuff. And then later that evening a few long texts thanking me for the weekend away saying even though she was grumpy she enjoyed the countryside and sorry if she made me feel bad and how I deserved someone who cared about me and valued me. And she also said she thinks that negative associations with previous romantic getaways and her PMS might have made her a little tense. But she was glad that she was honest with me. Seems pretty final but I guess at least I have closure.

She did her 10 day self isolation and after the first few days stopped the ***iness. From what I gather she spent most of the time on social media and watching Downton Abbey so we didn't text that much but we stayed in touch and she asked for help buying Christmas presents for my family and made it clear she still intended to come to spend Christmas day with us. Christmas day was OK she has good manners and social skills (when she wants to) so got along well with my family and joined in with the traditions and activities and seemed to enjoy herself. She arrived around 10am and then around 9pm she said she was starting to feel tired and wanted to go home. I had already told her beforehand that she could stay over as she was a guest of the family and no one would expect her to travel twice on Christmas Day. But she said first time meeting the family staying over felt like a bit much and she is still tired after recovering from COVID and sleeps much better in her own bed. So I guess that is reasonable enough and when she got back she thanked me for inviting her and said she enjoyed spending time with my family. She still is not very affectionate even in private. She will let me kiss her and hug her but doesn't respond with any great enthusiasm and never really initiates affection. We fooled around a bit in my bedroom when everyone retired to rest a bit after the Christmas dinner. But she said she didn't want to go all the way but her flat would be empty tomorrow as both her flatmates were away on holiday and I could come over. She also talked a bit about NYE as we'd been trying to decide what to do together then. We had a staycation booked before she got COVID which we had to cancel and she was suggesting going on NYE but there was no availability so we decided on the following weekend. So I guess nothing has really changed and it is a FWB situation so I am trying to come to terms with that. Of course I could try and meet other women but the problem there is while I may meet women who are more interested in me and want a relationship I am worried I will not feel the same about them as really it is a very very long time since I have had any feelings for a woman even though I have been actively dating for a number of years now. I did go on a few dates with a girl while this girl was in self-isolation and she seemed really keen and we had a bit of chemistry but I didn't really feel anything so didn't seem fair to the girl to continue.

Texted her today saying "Hey E. How are you feeling?". She didn't like that saying "Hey what's up" in the afternoon is something you'd say to a buddy. I offered to visit and look after her or keep her company during her isolation period. She basically said it is not about making her feel better but about me wanting to spend time with her. Not just doing something to make her feel good or better. But she would keep the offer in mind. I had no idea how to respond to this. So just said OK hope you feel better soon goodnight.

Yes I’m continuing to pay for everything. And you are absolutely right that it if she isn’t ready for seriousness or exclusivity it is unfair to continue to expect me to pay. But she falls back on the excuse it’s her culture and she’s high maintenance and it’s part of the package. But I don’t think she is dating anyone else or sleeping with anyone else. She’s basically honest and I asked her the question when she brought up not being ready for exclusivity yet. Maybe I’m naive but she texts me so much and spends so much time with me and all her friends know about me so I think any other men in her life are just orbiters

Well we met last Saturday for dinner and a movie. She was a little standoffish. Not as affectionate as she'd been previously and while she cosied up to me a bit in the movie a lot of the time she was sitting upright with her arms crossed. I walked her home and at her door when I kissed her goodnight she gave me her cheek. I asked her why we don't kiss anymore and she looked away and said she doesn't know. But half an hour later sent me a text thanking me for a lovely evening followed by nite nite darling x. Next morning she texted me saying she'd slept 14 hours and felt like a walk and did I want to join her. She seemed like a different person and was warm and affectionate and laughing at all my jokes and we ended up spending several hours together. She said she wanted me to meet her best friend and her husband next week and also suggested we go on a staycation before Christmas. And she cosied up to me when we were sitting together in the pub and was kissing me back enthusiastically and at her door gave me a sweet kiss goodnight instead of giving me the cheek as she did the previous night. Next morning she follows up asking when I'm free for the dinner with her friends. We agree on something and she said she called the restaurant to make the booking and they asked if it was a special occasion and she told them "yeah i'm introducing my bf to my best friends lol" and then said let's see what they will do for us. She also asked when we should take the staycation and suggested we take a day off work and go on the Friday. Then she asked what she should get for my family if she decided to join us for Christmas. I mentioned the possibility a few weeks ago when she was complaining that she still hadn't met any of my friends or family as I said I knew she wasn't able to go home for Christmas and could be fun for her to experience a British Christmas with all the traditions but she said nothing in response at the time and hadn't brought it up since so I was quite taken aback. Although I guess maybe she just doesn't want to be alone on Christmas day. And then she asked what we were doing for NYE! But then a few days later she tells me she has tested positive for COVID and would have to isolate for the next 10 days so she had to cancel the dinner and said we wouldn't be able to do the staycation either. I called her on the phone and she didn't sound well and the day before while she was trying to plan all these things over the Christmas period she mentioned she had a sore throat and felt a bit funny. But of course I am a little suspicious she is making it up. So no idea what is going on or where that leaves me. But I'm guessing maybe she was just feeling lonely over the Christmas period and wanted to have some plans and she is a bit of a drama queen so if she did get COVID she is definitely going to milk it. Although she's continued to text me while she's been ill and she seems to be watching a lot of Netflix and I dunno but when I am ill I would find texting or watching TV very difficult. But anyway we aren't exclusive so I guess I should use the next 10 days to date other girls and not seeing her for 10 days might help me break the spell she has over me.

Yeah I understand what you mean. I am OK with not labelling things but this "not ready for exclusivity" thing bugs me especially as she socializes and parties a lot and was very vague when we discussed it (i.e. she is not "dating" anyone but is "speaking" with some people) and I already know she has a lot of male friends and uses the term "friend" very flexibly. As I understand "dating exclusively" is quite normal at the 3 month mark. So the fact she doesn't want that indicates this is a FWB situation and she is keeping me around while she looks for someone she does actually see relationship potential with and in the meantime is probably enjoying flirting with other guys every time she goes out and maybe even sleeping with other guys.

T: when she mentioned a few weeks ago she was confused about labels I said that I'd be comfortable calling her my girlfriend and she said she wasn't sure and preferred not to label things and to keep things the way they are. Then as mentioned a week later out of the blue she said she wasn't ready for seriousness or exclusivity and felt she owed me an explanation. So she's already rejected me for wanting more. And we've continued to hang out but she's less affectionate and more distant so I think she is pulling away and clearly has started seeing other people. But she still confuses me a bit sometimes. It is pretty apparent that she talks a lot about me with her friends mentioning things we've done together, things that I've said and she says when her friends ask about me she struggles with how to describe me e.g. friend/date/boyfriend and often just falls back on we are seeing each other and have decided not to label it. She says she wants to include me in her social life but was hesitant because a month or so ago when she wanted to invite at the last minute a work friend and her husband to a Halloween event I vetoed it saying I'd prefer if it was just us and she interpreted that as me not wanting to meet her friends and that was holding her back. I said it wasn't an issue and I'd love to meet her friends and the other week she was seeing some jazz with a male friend and asked me to pick her up afterwards and I had a drink with her friend and her. She was having a go at me at the weekend asking why I hadn't introduced her to any of my friends. I wanted to say "because you aren't my girlfriend" but instead said that my friendships were quite compartmentalized and there hadn't been any recent social gatherings where I could bring a plus one but I was having some drinks with some former work friends this week and she could maybe join. Then midweek after hardly texting me all week she said to let her know the details about the drinks and if I was OK with her joining and it is totally OK if I don't want her to. But no idea whether she wants to meet people in my life or whether she just wants to piggyback on my social life. But I figured would be useful to introduce her to some people and see what they make of her.

Oh the other night she asked what I was up to and I said I was about to meet a friend. She said "Oh who's the friend? Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!" Not sure whether she is jealous and has realized that by saying she is not ready for exclusivity she has given me a free pass to date other women. Or if she is projecting and assuming because she is/wants to date other people that I must be doing so as well. Or if she is hoping I am dating people so she can take it as a sign that I am OK with her dating other people. But seemed a strange reaction.

I've been seeing this girl for almost 3 months now. We text all the time and see quite a lot of each other. She is often the one suggesting or making future plans. Since we started sleeping together a month and a half ago we've invariably spent half the weekend together. We've had a few discussions about labels. She talks a lot about me to her friends and they often ask who I am in her life. Generally she refers to me as her friend on occasions where she has introduced me to people. But lately she has been saying that when she talks about me to her friends she is confused as she doesn't know whether to call me friend/date/boyfriend. And she also mentioned a week or so ago that I am the only man she likes and when we discussed safe sex said she was only sleeping with me. Last time we had this discussion I said "I'd be comfortable with you calling me your boyfriend". She said "Hmm. I guess. I dunno. I think once you start a relationship it gets serious and I do not think I am ready for that. Let's keep things the way they are and not label it. Labels are unimportant anyway it is more important how you feel and what you do not your commitments". So I dropped it. Then yesterday out of the blue mid conversation she texted me the following: "Btw the reason i dont accept us to be in a relationship yet is that i am not ready for exclusivity and seriousness (although i dont fool around with you ofc) as i want to be in the right mindset when i commit to sth, as i dont wanna mess things up. But you are important to me. Wanted to let you know" I asked when she said she wasn't ready for exclusivity did she mean she was seeing other people. She said she was talking to some people. I said "You mean dating or friends with potential romantic possibilities". She said "The latter depending on their approach but not many people or anything". She then asked if I would feel bad if she dated. I said I didn't know I guess but I would understand. She then called me on the phone to continue the conversation. I said I guess it is good to have this conversation but was curious what prompted it and whether something had happened. She was a little vague saying she went for dinner with a friend last night and he expressed a romantic interest in her and she said she was seeing someone and he pressed a bit asking if I was her boyfriend and she told him she wasn't labelling it. She also said her friends told her she should try to let me know where I stood. But later she texted me asking why I thought sth had happened. I said "It just seemed a bit out of the blue". She said "I can account to you but please try to understand I care about you and when I feel sth might make you feel bad it bothers me. Hope this helps". It didn't but I was at the theatre and the show was about to start and later on she changed the subject and I didn't want to press. So I do not really know what to make of it all. We covered not wanting to label it last week but this not wanting to be exclusive thing is new. It makes me wonder if she has started seeing someone else or is seeing other people or if she kissed or hooked up with someone and is feeling a little guilty and wants to clarify we aren't exclusive to make herself feel better. Or is she just feeling a bit of pressure because things are moving a bit fast for her and she wants to feel she has her freedom even if she isn't interested in anyone else or actively looking to meet anyone new? I do not know whether to back off and give her space or to just things the way they are (as she suggested she wanted) and give her time and see if she changes her mind in the future

I'm fine with her being tired or down or busy with work etc. But usually girls come out with these excuses when they are trying to hint to guys they have lost interest and want to be left alone. I texted her saying I was sorry to hear that and to let me know when she is feeling better and work has quietened down but she didn't bother responding to that which isn't a good sign. And I guess with her it seems to be very all-or-nothing. She was bombarding me with texts and photos last week and wanting to see me all the time. Then last couple days she barely responds out of politeness and has completely stopped initiating texts or trying to make conversation. And similarly some dates she is warm and affectionate and happy to make out and sleep with me. Others she is cold and distant and only lets me peck her on the lips or the cheek. So the contrast does feel quite striking and makes me feel insecure and uncertain. But I guess I'm starting to get some closure. I can try to justify the drinking and enjoyment of going out when she's showing me a lot of attention and being affectionate and sleeping with me. But when she would rather hang out with other men at the bar and goes cold on me for days it doesnt feel good at all and can see I'm better off without her.