jazz_lover

Not blocking her and continuing to engage with her when she texts because you want some kind of closure and want to get stuff off your chest does not sound healthy to me. Also the smoking analogy is rationalization. On some level you aren't quite ready to let her go. Losing you is punishment enough for her and if she ever does sober up and work through her issues I am sure she will realize herself that she screwed things up with you. You should be focused on forgiving her and understanding that she has her demons and the messed up stuff she did was mostly unintentional and letting everything go as water under the bridge and moving on with your life. You won't ever get the kind of closure that you want.

It is far simpler to just not reply than trying to cool your reponses and bite your tongue. And instead of trying to be strong when you deal with her, simply do not deal with her. She is your ex. She is no longer part of your life.

I think it is fairer to make the disclaimer early on rather than waiting for the person to develop feelings and bring up exclusivity/seriousness then. Obviously online dating you can simply make the disclaimer on your profile or in the initial emails/texts ask them what they are looking for on the site. Otherwise I think first date as one of the usual first date "interview" questions you can simply ask them what they are looking for. Leave it too late though and that question will be misinterpreted as "where are things going?" which will feel like pressure and scare some people off.

Obviously you shouldn't be invading his privacy. But it is pretty sick behaviour. You wouldn't have a second thought about breaking up with him if he was having sex with his exes or your best friend. And there is not a massive difference. It is a form of cheating because these are real people he is masturbating over not some kind of porn star or celebrity fantasy. And definitely do not allow him to take any nude photos of you!

I think you are being unreasonable. Why should you be a priority for her? You are practically strangers and she doesn't know you well enough to know if there is any kind of potential and if she is attractive she will have other guys interested in her. You should have other options as well so waiting a few weeks to see her shouldn't be a big deal. If you hit it off you will both start making each other more of a priority and future dates will be easier to arrange. Also "wait for her" doesn't imply she is banning you from seeing other girls. it just means she wants you to wait two weeks to see her which is a reasonable request if weekends work best for her especially as you cancelled the coming weekend because of your family plans. I can understand how the constant texting is a drag. Unfortunately some girls and especially young girls are big texters. I do not know why. Maybe they like the attention? Maybe they like feeling connected without having to go out of their comfort zone and actually go on dates? Maybe it allows them to talk to multiple guys at the same time whereas dating multiple guys is exhausting? And unfortunately you are already in a pattern of daily texting. So she will continue to expect this for the next two weeks and beyond. And WhatsApp is a pain in the butt because they can see if you are online so if you haven't answered a text they assume you are ignoring them or chatting to other girls etc. I think the only way to deal with this is to slow down your responses and if she has a go at you just say that you were busy. And if she continues to press just say you aren't that big on texting and would rather get to know her in person.

I think you know she drags you down with her drama and negativity and clearly she has major issues and is generally a toxic person that you are much better off without. And it is good that despite your feelings for her you have no desire to get back together. In other words she is ancient history and therefore there is no real reason for you to stay in touch with her. If you cannot bring yourself to block then just either ignore her texts or be politely dismissive giving one word answers, ignoring any text that does not demand a reply, and ending text conversations as soon as possible.

Don't think "without commitment" is the defining feature. Because it is common not to be exclusive in the early phases of dating. I think the defining feature is a mutual understanding that one or more parties are not looking for anything serious or alternatively not ready for a relationship or just looking to have fun or a similar type of disclaimer which is made close to the outset. Not sure it works in practice because I think it is difficult to spend a lot of time with someone (or feel motivated to spend a lot of time with someone) without someone developing feelings especially as there will be physical intimacy which can scramble emotions. This can result in time inconsistency so even if at the outset both parties were happy with the arrangement over time one party will want more and find it difficult to walk away so will instead hope the other person ends up wanting more. And it is also easy to fall into a relationship by default as you get used to each other and are comfortable with each other and are sleeping together so even without meaning to you prioritize that person over new prospects. Especially as dating new people is exhausting and most dates are a chore and go nowhere so it is easier to stick with the bird in hand rather than continuing to look in the bushes. So it becomes some sort of security blanket that you wear until you are ready to discard it and try to meet someone you have long term potential with. And you get a lot of the benefits of having a boyfriend/girlfriend but without any responsibility or commitment and it is a lot easier to break it off without feeling guilty. So lots of potential traps. I think to give it the best chance of working you need a lot of discipline with some potential ground rules: -See each other no more than once a week and try to avoid daily texting -Continue dating new people -Make sure that you actually "date". Too many quiet nights in or lazy Sunday mornings and it becomes too couply. -Be honest with yourself and the other person. If you are starting to catch feelings do not suppress or deny them and decide whether it is better to walk away or confess to the other person and see if they feel the same way and want to change course.

Not at all normal! And definitely do not reciprocate or use emojis or anything else that gives him any idea you want anything other than a professional correspondance.

Agree it would have been nice to say a quick hello to his friends. But obviously you cannot be expected to mingle with them every week when they join him in your lounge as you are busy with your job and it doesn't look good if you are over familiar with customers. And I can understand how although your guy was probably trying to be cute all the attention seeking made you feel uncomfortable and made you feel social pressure. Everyone has potential for a relationship. Your anxiety shouldn't define you or the relationship. Obviously it is helpful for him to understand your anxiety makes you act in certain ways in certain situations but he shouldn't be your therapist. Focus on getting to know him and having fun together. He seems to like you a lot.

You have answered your own question. He sees you as a team member. Someone useful who helps him managing his business and his life. But I am struggling to see the benefits for you. Your career has suffered and you have lost your job. There is clearly nothing romantic going on and he's seeing other women. Any business connections you have made are inextricably tied to his presence in your life. Any business experience you have gained with him you cannot even put on your resume and any work you do for him is in an unpaid capacity and compensated via getting to tag along on trips and stay in his properties etc. You say "it is not what i am waiting to hear". You shouldn't be waiting to hear anything. There should be nothing he could say that would change your mind about cutting him out of your life.

Entirely predictable that a person who uses pressure to get what she wants would use threats when she doesn't get what she wants.

Timing seems completely off. She knows you are 1 month out of a relationship so probably on the rebound. She is going to be abroad for the next few months. And probably these feelings have surfaced because you are raw and vulnerable and have been spending a lot of time with her recently. See if the feelings settle down in the two months she is away over the summer while keeping in touch. And then when she is back if you still feel you want to explore something try to see her regularly. If she makes time to see you regularly there is a chance she might be thinking along similar lines and there will come a natural point to have the conversation.

Be careful though. In the heat of the moment you could easily forget that a lot of the intel you have collected was through spying. I would just say something like this isn't working for me anymore and I think I need to focus on my own career and my own life. No need to bring up the other women (which you shouldn't really know about!).

Problem with pursuing someone is that a lot of people find it difficult to say "No". You say he can simply reject you. Well he has tried breaking up with you and you didn't respect his wishes. He is non-committal when you suggest things but you keep insisting. And he probably feels a bit guilty and a bit sorry for you while is why he is staying friends with you. But eventually he will build up enough resentment that it will overwhelm the feelings of pity and guilt and he will find the strength to completely cut you off and that will break your heart.

From the date she seems interested enough. Maybe you came on a bit too strong trying to agree a second date the same night as the first date and it put her on the spot a bit as well as making you seem a bit over eager. Also as the expression goes a lot of women like "a man with a plan" and you seem a bit wishy washy by wanting to see her again but not having any idea what you want to do. And again by leaving up to her to "let you know" you are again making her have to take the lead. So you are coming across as quite passive and if she likes you but isn't sure about her she isn't going to be inclined to chase or take the lead to make the next date happen. On the plus side she did say she is free on Monday. She could have easily said something like "I'm not sure yet" or "Let me check my schedule and get back to you". So I think you can give her the benefit of the doubt and text her suggesting dinner on Monday and pick the place. Something along the lines of "So for our date on Monday night I was wondering if you fancied Italian food. I know a great place in (neighborhood/location)". By assuming the date is still on you show confidence and by picking a place you take the pressure of her if she doesn't want to make a decision while still showing you want to take her somewhere she will like (which I assume was the original intention when you wanted her to pick).

I also experienced a noticeable change in attitude after I brought up relationship status. I guess when you lay your cards on the table and the other person doesn't feel the same way it creates an unconscious pressure and the other person will react by pulling away. Maybe if you had played it cool and given him space and just hung out with him and hooked up things would have been the same as the first three months. But you are human and you crave a closeness and intimacy that he is not prepared to reciprocate and it is natural to feel insecure when you like someone this much and they aren't willing to commit. So I think the only solution is to move on and find someone that is more into you.

I'm also assuming oliver and sam are one and the same. When people say they are not ready for a relationship right now what it usually means is they do not want a relationship with you even though they may be OK continuing to hang out and hook up. And things generally get worse not better over time because they feel the pressure and expectation and start pulling away and that makes the person pushing for the relationship act needy and clingy and insecure which turns them off and makes them pull away even more. And if people become less interested over time you may be turning them off by being needy and clingy once you start liking them.

Been in this situation myself. Unfortunately it does change the dynamic of a relationship when you ask for a commitment and the other person is either not ready or isn't serious about you. When you want more than another person is prepared to give you then it puts pressure on them and makes them feel guilty even if you agree to keep things the way they are and their natural reaction will be to try to create some distance. And of course you made things a lot worse by being needy/insecure/clingy/demanding and that will push him away further as well as turning him off. He doesn't want to be with you. And by continuing to force things you might get to occasionally hang out with him and even hook up with him from time to time for a little while. But it won't make you happy. And eventually he will either find someone else or get completely fed up with you and turn on you and that will be even more painful. Also you may feel the pair of you had so much fun on the holiday but you are projecting. He wasn't that keen on going and you insisted. And probably he was trying to make the best of it and avoid any awkwardness and it is quite easy to have sex with someone you don't have feelings for if you still feel some physical attraction and he probably felt guilty about it and did not want you to feel used so went along with the hugging and kissing afterwards. But even during this holiday there were still some tells. As you mentioned he was reluctant to hold hands. And also he didn't give you a straight answer when you asked if he still cares. And of course you feel you are compatible because when you have feelings for someone it is easy to find reasons to be together. And vice versa when you don't have feelings which is why he told you a while back that he feels in his heart you two aren't compatible and do not have a future together. I can guarantee he will cool towards you if you meet up again after the holiday and it will be very painful. Best thing to do is to end it on a relatively positive note. Tell him you really enjoyed the holiday but it made you realize you still have feelings for him and dating/hanging out isn't enough for you and you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you. It will feel a lot better than dragging it out and getting dumped again.

Definitely hold off on trying for another baby. It won't fix your relationship even if it makes you both happy for a while eventually it will cause additional issues adding to your financial problems and also making it much harder to separate if your marriage fails. And if she doesn't want to work right now while she is childless do you really think she will want to work while she has a baby to look after? But I think the fundamental problem is that she was spoilt growing up being mostly supported by her parents and expects the same from her husband and unfortunately you are not a rich guy happy to indulge and spoil his wife and instead want a wife who can contribute financially and work with you towards a better life. I think the first thing you need to do is to move out. If you have a full time job I cannot believe you cannot to rent somewhere. That will give you both some independence and it might motivate her to step up a bit especially if it means you are on a much tighter budgets and she has to forgo certain luxuries she is used to. She sounds too comfortable and a bit of hardship will make her either step up or start complaining and that will tell you a lot about whether you two can go the distance. And if she does not step up then you have a decision to make. Either you accept her the way she is and appreciate that she is loving and affectionate and helps around the house and accept the onus will be on you to work hard, increase your income, and improve the quality of your life. Or you end things while you are still childless and find someone who is more ambitious, has a proper career, and so on.

I think the reason women initiate divorces (and break ups) more often is because they place a greater importance on feelings of connectness and emotional intimacy and when they realize that is lacking/absent in a relationship they become dissatisfied and unhappy. I myself do not see myself getting married or having kids although I wouldn't rule it out. I think if a woman wants marriage/kids in the near future then that is something she should bring up early on in the relationship and if the guy says he isn't sure or he doesn't want that she should move on rather than hanging around to see if she can get him to change his mind.

I think there is a balance to be struck You do want the other person to get to know you a bit so they can appreciate the full package which will make them more likely to be open minded when you tell them rather than immediately disqualifying you. And of course you need to feel comfortable enough with them and trust them enough to share personal information of this nature. But it is unfair to expect them to invest too much time and emotion before you tell them in case it is a dealbreaker for them and leaves them feeling disappointed and annoyed they wasted their time.

You seem to be feeling inadequate as a man because of your micropenis and perhaps overcompensating (your colleagues/friends describe you as confident and dominant and charismatic). Especially for your generation it is common for men to be in touch with their emotions and be sensitive. And a lot of women find that attractive. So do not suppress or overemphasize any aspect of your personality and try to be yourself. A micropenis will be a dealbreaker for some women and it will hurt if you are rejected for that reason. But a lot of women will be open minded and willing to enjoy mostly non-penetrative sex with you. Obviously it is a good idea to have a strategy how to bring this up and it is better to do so early on because if it is a dealbreaker then unfair to waste the woman (or your) time. Also I really do not understand the sentence about "one mistake with an indecent woman and my privacy and life will be ruined" I suspect this could be coming from your parents in a misguided attempt to scare you away from relationships because they are worried you will get hurt. But it has zero basis in reality.

This is very common. So I do not think it has anything to do with your karma. But you are wasting a lot of time staying in relationships with these men. Also nagging and trying to initiate everything is not the best approach. Men will often interpret that as being told what to do and resent it. I think it would work better to explain how you feel and say that you think it is important in a relationship to continue to go on dates and go places and do things together rather than staying in all the time. And if there is no change in behaviour then you are justified in ending things. Also if the guy starts doing all these things with new girls or with his friends there are a various possible explanations: Firstly, when a relationship ends staying home alone isn't very appealing so you are more motivated to go out and do things with your friends and go on dates etc. Secondly, some guys view dating as a sales effort so will put the effort in with someone new spending money taking them out on dates and then when they have "made the sale" they stop bothering. Thirdly, when you meet someone new and exciting it is normal to want to spend a lot of time with that person and go places and do things and everything feels novel even something prosaic like a walk in the park or a visit to the movie theatre. But in a relationship you can get bored of someone and no longer enjoy spending time with them as much and no longer enjoy activities with them as much.

If a girl seems unhappy on a date and is avoiding eye contact and perhaps being very quiet and distant I think I would also assume she was not interested and be a little annoyed she could not even be bothered to go through the motions. Of course he should have waited until dinner was over and then politely made an excuse to cut the date short instead of making a scene and walking out. Obviously if she was tearful he should have asked if everything was OK but from the sound of it the OP was trying to hide her emotional distress and probably did so in such a way that she just seemed distant and unhappy rather than obviously upset. But he did try to continue the date once she called him and tried to explain. But obviously it was not a fun date for him so I can understand why he does not feel particularly inclined to meet up with her again. It was a bad first date. And unfortunately bad first dates do not usually lead to a second date. That is life. And you dodged a bullet because the substance abuse issues and a lot of BS in his life suggests he has a lot of baggage and isn't relationship material. And while I don't think his overreaction necessarily means he is an abusive bully or a jerk it does indicate he has poor self control and a bit of a temper which does not bode well for future misunderstandings and disagreements.

First impressions unfortunately do count. So next time you are in a bad emotional state cancel the date. The guy obviously took your strange behaviour personally. He is not a mind reader and on a date the automatic assumption when someone seems unhappy or distant is that they are not interested and cannot even be bothered to fake it or make an effort. So I can understand why he got frustrated and annoyed although obviously that is no excuse for making a scene and walking out midway through dinner. It is a red flag and indicates he has poor self control and a bit of a temper and does not bode well for any future misunderstandings or disagreements. Both of you then tried to rescue the date. But his behaviour subsequent to the date indicates he isn't that interested and the vague promises about meeting up probably mean he is just keeping you as an option. And yes he has probably concluded that you are too emotional/dramatic and that is why he is blowing you off and not making much of an effort to stay in touch. And if he is telling the truth about having his own issues and being a substance user then he probably has even more baggage than you do and that is another reason you dodged a bullet. I would forget this guy and focus on yourself and wait until you are in a better place emotionally before dating other guys. Going on dates might be a distraction and you mentioned you thought going on the date would make you happy. But that is a lot of pressure to put on a stranger you are meeting for the first time.