jazz_lover

I'm almost 38. I look in my early 30s as I have boyish good looks and am in good shape. And I have never been married and have no kids. I have a preference for women in their early 30s and get matches on dating apps in this age range. I have a female friend in her 40s and she always gives me a hard time. She says that younger women want a fun cool guy and I am too boring and serious for them and should go for someone more mature. She also says I am middle aged and should be more realistic. Does she have a point? I do sometimes feel a generational gap. I never really understand the social media obsession. To me it seems quite narcissistic. And a lot of women of that generation seem obsessed with their brand and very self promotional and confident to the point of being delusional. And quite shallow in many respects. And often ADHD which makes it difficult to have a proper conversation. But a lot of women on dating apps in that age range are looking for a relationship and are open to dating older men. And you get mature and immature people in every age range. And presumably a lot of women have realized from experience that the fun cool guys aren't always relationship material.

Agreed. It takes two to argue. And he is obviously in an argumentative mood because he is feeling sorry for himself because he has COVID. And there is no point trying to reason with someone when they are like that. And apologising all the time will just make him feel he is justified in being angry when really it is entirely not your fault and just one of those hazards of modern life that even with sensible precautions cannot be avoided. Definitely back off. Limit future communication to occasionally checking in on him and asking how he is feeling and leave it at that. Once he is feeling better he will no doubt regain some perspective.

I dunno this still sounds a bit strange to me. If you genuinely thought he was still your friend but could not help himself or control himself then surely it was common sense simply to avoid being alone with him and only hang out in public places? Like I said he wasn't exactly dragging you back to his flat like caveman. He must have invited you to his place repeatedly and every time you said yes.

First time OK you were alone with him, let your guard down, the situation got out of control and you froze and let it happen. And because he was your friend you felt conflicted and perhaps blamed yourself and decided to forgive him. But why on earth would you ever allow yourself to be alone with this guy after what happened? Even if you were confused and forgave him and wanted to continue hanging out with him you should have avoided being alone with him. I find it hard to believe that for two months he dragged you to his place and forced himself on you. Of course it doesn't make what he did right and you retain the right to say "No" right up to and during the act of penetration but it shows incredibly bad judgement to put yourself in the exact same situation repeatedly for two months.

The time to end the friendship was when he forced you to have sex with him the first time. Instead you continued to hang out with him and put yourself in situations where he could once again pressure you into having sex and not just once but systematically over a two month period. It is pretty messed up. And unfortunately it does massively undermine your credibility as a victim. Definitely you cheated on your boyfriend and not just once but multiple times. OK you were manipulated into having sex with the "friend". But how can your boyfriend possibly trust you? There are always going to men out there trying to pressure or manipulate you into having sex and until you learn to deal with such situations you are not ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

Mixed signals are usually a sign someone is not that interested in you and leading you on. Also notice that she controls your interactions to avoid romantic situations. You text a lot. You talk occasionally at work. And you drop by her restaurant occasionally. None of these are dates. And if you are not dating then you are just friends. And as she doesn't feel a romantic connection she is probably happy with this arrangement while also knowing that to keep you engaged she needs to occasionally hint at the possibility of more.

That was my interpretation! But I guess if the restaurant does not get a lot of business she doesn't mind especially as she probably figures she can quite easily keep you at bay with the "don't move too fast" and "lets be friends first" lines.

I'm not familiar with the consultant role at an audit firm. Is that like management or business consultancy? I trained with one of the smaller audit firms not Big 4 and I understand for the "sexier" roles at big 4 they like you to have worked a bit in audit for them first. Law school is a bit different in the UK. So don't think it is an option. I did think about a MBA/Masters in Finance or something but the cost would be like $100K. I thought about one day teaching at college level as I also have a masters in economics so could maybe teach economics and accountancy/finance. But without a PhD I could probably only do it at some of the smaller business schools and there aren't many openings. But as a long term plan that might work.

Related field but of course being finance everything is very competitive and I'm up against people who are younger and have more directly relevant experience and entry level roles firms tend to prefer graduates. MBA/Masters might provide some kind of career reset but very expensive! My background is audit/group reporting so little experience with small business accounts/taxation so the starting my own business route isn't viable. I'm single and have no kids and no mortgage so could take a pay cut if necessary.

Yeah "moving too fast" and "friends first" aren't things that women usually say to men they are romantically interested in. And she has already told you she doesn't feel a romantic connection. So I find it difficult to believe this could go anywhere. Also things should be mutual. Unless you were all over her on the first date (and you don't seem like that type) you shouldn't have to slow down or accept a friendship and wait patiently in the hope one day she will want more. It won't be much fun because you will have to hide your romantic interest and you will always be worrying about going too fast and that will make it difficult to be natural and yourself and instead you will be walking on eggshells worrying that one false move will see you rejected again. There are plenty of women out there who will want to date you, will feel a romantic connection, and will find your pace totally acceptable.

As you acknowledged you were the one that reached out triggered by your mutual friend sending the snap. Your ex chatted a bit with you out of politeness but let the conversation fizzle out. So she has no interest in re-connecting. Delete her from snap. It won't bother her. And checking up on her is going to resurrect old hurt feelings and make you feel rejected.

3 hours texting is excessive. And if she is slowing her responses or giving one word answers you should really take the hint sooner. Also as with the other girl she isn't enjoying your flirting. I think your flirting is probably connected with your low self esteem. You are trying to get them to like you. But instead it telegraphs too much interest and comes across as attention seeking. Give her some space and over the weekend text to confirm the arrangements for the date. The best way to get to know someone is face to face. All this texting before the date leaves you with less to talk about on the date

Agree it seems a bit strange she has time to text when she has assignments due. But she might be someone who leaves things to the very last minute and is easily distracted and used texting you as an excuse to procrastinate. I would just leave her alone. See if she talks about rescheduling after Easter. And perhaps middle of next week you can try asking her out one more time. But if she has another excuse or is wishy washy you can just write her off.

I think people can often get caught up with things over the holiday season and as you've just had one date you are not a massive priority even though she does seem to like you. If I were you I wouldn't put as much effort into the texting. Let her initiate it. Don't be so quick to reply. It seems silly to invest so much time and energy into someone non-committal about meeting again. Leave it to her to try to keep in touch and suggest a date in the future after the holidays. And keep your options open. And Rose Mosse is right. Texts are pretty meaningless. All it really means is she enjoys talking to you and probably the attention as well. And for all you know she is texting multiple guys at the same time.

I fell into an accountancy career in my mid 20s. The money is good but I feel like I have hit a bit of a dead end. I always saw it as a means to an end believing that there would be good exit opportunities into more interesting fields such as equity research, consulting, investor relations, financial journalism etc. Turns out these exit opportunities aren't quite as easy to get into as I thought. Although the pandemic hasn't helped as that made firms a lot more cautious about hiring generally. And all of these things are easier when you are younger. And I have discovered that entry level roles are quite limited and generally express a preference for recent graduates. There was one opportunity for a junior role they were open to considering my profile but they felt that I was overqualified and the pay would be too low for me and the progression wouldn't be fast enough and I'd get bored and I couldn't change their mind on that front. While other roles all require previous experience. I've done quite a bit of networking but while some of my contacts like me they say that hiring is dictated by HR so even if they'd like me in their team there is not much they can really do until new openings come up and nothing has materialized on that front. Further education may help. But I already have great qualifications and lack of relevant experience is the real issue. And I do not want to make a huge financial commitment to a MBA/Masters if there is no job at the end of it. But at the same time I do not see myself being an accountant for another 1,5,10,20,30 years and I feel like I am going through the motions at work because it really does not interest me and I have lost a bit of hope that a successful career change is viable. So I am getting quite frustrated and depressed. And because I always had the career change in mind I have taken the path of least resistance when it comes to accountancy jobs doing easy jobs that haven't really enhanced my skillset or challenged me while still looking impressive on paper and have really been going sideways since the pandemic. So not really sure what to do now.

Yeah I think your mistake on the previous dates was trying too hard and coming on too strong. Cut out the excessive flirting and all the hugging and kissing. Just focus on hanging out, having fun, and getting to know her better. Ironically she will most likely lose interest if you show too much interest.

Wouldn't say she is necessarily hot/cold. Just think you jumped the gun a little and spooked her. All you can do is respect her wishes and give her space and wait for her to circle round.

Agreed. And you will not feel heard so you will keep continuing to communicate with her in the hope that eventually you will be able to get through to her. And this could continue for months or years and the whole while you will continue to have this toxic person in your life.

I had a similar experience although I waited a few months. The girl admitted she only liked me, we were spending a lot of time together, she'd told all her friends about me, so seemed natural to bring up relationship labels. But as soon as I did that she said she wanted to keep things the way they are and not label it and a week later explained she wasn't ready for seriousness or exclusivity and from that point onwards she continued to pull away and became colder and more distant and a month afterwards she dropped me. My theory is that this kind of reaction results when a girl likes you but isn't sure about you or what she wants. Before "the talk" she could put her doubts to one side and just have fun. But "the talk" results in her feeling relationship pressure and that creates resistance in her mind and she starts overthinking, feeling more confused, and all of this pushes her away. I think all you can really do is give her a lot of space. Trying to "fix" things or trying to "talk it out" or otherwise crowding her will just push her away further. Letting it show you are upset or disappointed is also something you need to try to avoid. She will probably feel she has to conclude the discussion at some point. Most likely she will come back with some variant of I do not feel I am ready. You can then just say "That's cool. I understand. We can keep things the way they are". And then try to have fun dates and hopefully she will relax and stop overthinking and things will no longer be awkward.

She enjoys your company a lot and has a lot in common with you but isn't attracted to you. That is why she would rather just be friends. She agreed to the date because she probably felt a bit guilty after you confessed your feelings and wanted to be fair to you and give you a chance. But it was always likely to be a non-starter. I don't think starting off as friends was the issue. If there was mutual attraction it wouldn't have been a barrier. Starting off as friends did not prevent you from becoming more and more attracted to her and wanting more. Same would have applied to her if she'd felt some initial attraction. Going for a kiss would have just led to an awkward rejection. Or perhaps she would have kissed you back to test the chemistry and come to the exact same conclusion.

Difficult to know what to suggest until you tell us how your ex found out and how she was able to message your new girl. My guess is probably from instagram. Perhaps you were indiscreet in posting a photo of you and your new girl together or were commenting on each others' photos.

He needs to change his job (or negotiate his working hours) so he doesn't have to work weekends and get his own place. Otherwise he will continue to be dependent on this woman for child care and a place to live. Ask your buddy what he would do if she got fed up with him and kicked him out for good? Relationships do not always last and it is not good to be dependent on someone to this extent. Especially when this dependence means he has to meet her every whim and follow her rules. She may enjoy the control for now but eventually she will lose all respect for him and it will turn her off.

Agree that even with a disclaimer you have to be careful as it is easy to unintentionally fall into a relationship. So important not to treat someone like your boyfriend/girlfriend in case they get the wrong idea e.g. avoid too many quiet nights in, weekends together, getting lovey dovey, intimate conversations about your hopes, dreams, feelings, fears etc. and so on. The focus should be on hanging out, having fun, making each other laugh, and having sex (if you are OK with that).

Yeah I think "needing her to hear me" and "she needs to realize what she did" are bad reasons to stay in touch. It gives her a significance that as your ex she does not deserve. And even if she does hear you and realize what she did (and I am not sure she is capable of either) it will not give you the satisfaction or closure you are looking to achieve.

Does seem a bit strange that after 6+ years you haven't already moved in together which would allow you to spend more time together. But if this is your dream job she either has the chance to support that and accept that you won't have as much time for her or to break up with you and find someone who has a normal job with regular time and a lot more hours for you. She is being childish complaining and getting angry with you all the time. Also you are trying too hard. Why would you call and text constantly and spend every available moment of your free time with someone who just gets angry with you? You are letting her punish you and coming back for more punishment. And it is also unprofessional to text and call so much during working hours and even during your breaks you should be bonding with your colleagues or taking some time to yourself to decompress.