jazz_lover

Mm well I give up now. She still wanted to meet on Saturday and pushed to do dinner and the Peruvian rainforest themed bar. I said I was tired and just wanted to do dinner. She agreed but the mood was a bit flat. She offered me her cheek at the beginning and end of the date and seemed quite moody. I must have shown my disappointment because after I dropped her off she texted me saying "Sorry I was tired from the other night". I said it was OK and I was tired too. We texted a bit on Sunday but she wasn't as chatty as usual. Monday morning she texts me asking about our DNA tests which we'd sent off and where she could find a harry potter notebook i sent her a photo of. I mentioned a jazz concert we'd seen advertized and said it looks good and I definitely want to go. She said "Let's go then" and when i said i'd booked she said she'd buy drinks and I said that's a nice gesture and then heard nothing from her. Usually she'll continue or restart conversations. Tonight I saw some Mexican Day of the Dead dancing and sent her a video. She replied "Nice dear :)" I waited to see if she'd say anything more and when she didn't asked her if she'd been up to anything exciting or just work work work. She said "Meh feeling a bit down tbh went out with my alumni group but came home early as have a busy day tomorrow. Hope u had a good day" So I just said "Sorry to hear that let me know when you are feeling better and work quietens down" and she didn't bother replying to that. Feels as though she is giving me the brush off. And this weekend was a bit exhausting with the crazy bar antics and then the bad date the next day. And yeah just doesnt feel as if she is that interested. No idea why she agreed to the jazz concert next Friday. But I guess I better find someone else to take. Thanks for all your advice. Probably better off finding someone who likes me and has a lower key lifestyle.

Yeah I think you guys are right. I pinned a lot of hope on the fact she said I was the first guy she slept with since her divorce assuming it signified I meant something to her and also that she is always talking about future plans and we are seeing so much of each other. Starting to think she is more promiscuous than she makes out after seeing how flirty she is in bars. And of course she is making future plans knowing I’m now paying for them and drinking and socialising seem huge parts of her lifestyle whereas they are not priorities for me. It is a shame because outside of bars we seem to really connect and talk and laugh and time flies. But in the bar she seems like a different kind of person.

OK some definite red flags last night: I sidestepped the expensive dinner idea she suggested and took her somewhere simpler but she said she skipped breakfast only had a salad for lunch and was starving and promptly ordered appetizers, mins and dessert and a bottle of wine. I said she had a tiring work week so after dinner we could maybe do something chilled. She said she is fine and wants to blow off some steam and have some fun with me. So I take her to a cocktail bar with a cool DJ. It starts off fun we are singing along to the music, she is kissing me and smiling and laughing. I go to get her another drink and come back to find her talking to the two guys sitting next to us. She says I couldn't get phone connection so made some new friends and introduced them to me. I get stuck talking with the married unattractive guy she continues talking to the handsome guy who seems to be unattached. Luckily after half an hour or so they leave. But then she notices a group of lads clowning around and dancing in a silly way and starts laughing at them and wants to talk to them. It is a loud bar so she has to get close to talk to them and I notice she is tactile and even at one point gives one of them a friendly hug. Naturally none of the guys want to talk to me and she doesn't seem to notice they are excluding me and paying her all the attention. She offers to buy me a drink and goes to the bar and a few of the guys follow her and talk to her in line. I am just sat at our table on my own feeling like an idiot. The queue isn't moving and I'm tired and fed up so I tap her on the shoulder and tell her I am leaving and she can either come with me or continue having fun with her new friends. She runs after me all apologetic and says she is sorry she made me uncomfortable and she was just trying to make new friends and got carried away and she is extroverted and it is how she is and she didn't mean to be rude. She said she wasn't interested in any of those guys and came with me and of course was going to leave with me. She said the guys were asking about me and she wasn't sure how to define us so she said we were friends and they were trying to ask her back to their houseshare and she said she'd only come if I was invited too. Then she said we can get out of here and I could spend some time alone with her in her room. Then on the bus home she asks if I've ever been in love, how long my last relationship was, what my type is and so on. And talks about her ex and how he was jealous of her male friends and always putting her down and tells me this weird story about how after a month her ex had already secretly chosen the engagement ring and he was from a wealthy family and always buying her gifts and they knew within a few months they would get married. Also she made a comment about the cold weather and would I keep her warm this winter. My head is spinning at this point. Anyway we get back to hers. She says she wants me to F her. Says she loves my manhood and could really get used to it. The sex is very good and I bring her to orgasm. She then asks me to leave because she doesn't want her flatmates to see me in the morning. I say to her that I'm not some random guy and she's been seeing me for almost two months and her housemates will understand she is occasionally going to have male company. Again she says she doesn't know what we are and doesn't feel ready yet to have me sleep over. I bow out at 5am and make my way home in a daze. She is probably still expecting to see me tonight which was the original plan. But I'm not taking her anywhere near a bar and feel she is taking advantage with the dinners ordering 3 courses and bottles of wine. And of course she probably doesn't feel ready for a quiet night in at mine or hers. I'd be OK just having fun with her if she showed me a bit more respect and wasn't abusing my financial generosity. It feels a bit wrong to be paying for everything if this is just about good times and sex for her which I am sure she will eventually get bored of with me or want to try with someone better than me. But it feels like I'm playing the provider role and courting her and entertaining her while she is just taking me for a ride and does not have any genuine feelings or serious intent towards me. I'm also affectionate towards her and give her my undivided attention and show in different ways I care about her e.g. escorting her home after every date to make sure she gets home safe, picking her up from the airport, listening to her as she talks about what is going on at work etc. So she must know that I like her. She pretty much admitted as much telling me last weekend she slept with me because she felt she could trust me and I was reliable and consistent. I originally thought if I continue to show her a good time and we get to know each other better she would develop feelings and want something with me. And it did feel last weekend like she was bonding to me. But last night was a massive step back and I am not sure I can trust her if I know that every time she goes to a bar she wants to flirt with guys and be the centre of the attention especially as on other occasions Im not there so she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. And even if she is innocent and just looking to make friends it seems very naive of her to imagine she can make friends with guys in bars especially as she knows full well how pretty she is.

Yeah maybe she just enjoys the attention company and of course financial benefits of being with me. I thought things would change after we slept together but after the afterglow faded she’s not really displayed any genuine emotion or affection towards me. Will try to emotionally detach and just enjoy it for what it is

Yeah I think that is the sensible way of approaching things. It has only been six weeks. She clearly isn't ready for low-key dates or quiet nights in and wants to be entertained. She's fairly new to the UK, she's recently divorced so enjoying her freedom, and heaven knows after lockdown it is nice to be able to go out and let off steam. Obviously it is not sustainable long term but historically she has been a relationship girl so I am hoping that if her feelings develop for me and she feels she's had her fair share of good times on the town she will be amenable to slowing down and simply enjoying my company. She does text me an awful lot and is seeing me at least twice a week so she must be starting to feel a growing bond And I guess if that doesn't happen then I can always walk away and find someone who is looking for a relationship rather than fun times.

She was texting me nonstop the other day. Work pressures clearly eased. And she is her usual enthusiastic excitable self. We already have plans for Saturday but yesterday she asked me what I was up to Friday and maybe I could think about inviting her out. This morning she texted me suggesting an expensive restaurant. Will try and push back and suggest something simpler. But it feels like she is taking advantage a little expecting me to pay but wanting to pick the restaurant and difficult to know whether she misses me and cannot wait until Saturday to see me or if her fridge is empty lol.

She said today she was sleepy and tired and feeling out of sorts. I suggested gently the botanical gardens might be good for us on Saturday. She said she'd rather do one of the other Halloween events we'd been looking at: a peruvian bar with a rainforest theme and a DJ and should recover by then. T. I do not think there is any fundamental incompatibility. Our lifestyles might be a little different but lockdown was so boring I can understand her desire to go out and have fun and on some level I share it too. And we have had a few quieter dates such as going to the movies, walks in the park, window shopping and so on and we enjoyed each others' company then. In fact I think on paper we might be quite a good match. We share a similar sense of humour and are both highly educated professionals. We both are cultured and worldly. Neither of us are into the hookup culture and prefer relationships. And I think our personalities could complement each other quite well. She is enthusiastic, energetic, excitable. I am calmer, more stable and a steady presence. But you could be on to something with the psyche/past experience. I tend to be a bit of a worrier and overly cautious and careful. And in the past I have dated women who were happy to have fun together but as soon as they sensed I really liked them they pulled away and left me. And she is a little temperamental and while I agree that her actions suggest growing emotional investment her demeanour and vibe and responsiveness to my attentions can blow a little hot or cold and I am used to girls I like being all over me. But yeah I guess I need to just relax and see how things unfold and see if she starts to bring up the idea of exclusivity and a commitment at some point. If all goes well I'm planning to invite her to my place next weekend for a quiet night in.

Wayward Kiwi (T) can you clarify which earlier advice you are referring to. If it is the uncertainty I guess I feel I do not know exactly where I stand and that is causing some anxiety because I'm smitted. She hasn't mentioned exclusivity and while she does reference future activities together she hasn't asked where this is going or anything like that. I guess we have had sex which in her culture is something you tend to do with a boyfriend/future boyfriend rather than just a normal part of dating. But I feel if I bring it up I could scare her away so hoping she will eventually want to have the conversation. Rose Mosse: yeah I think I'll leave her to get through her busy work week and maybe Friday afternoon ask if she is still interested in doing the botanical gardens assuming she hasn't already brought it up which she probably will. Wiseman2: I didn't get the sense she was pouting or annoyed with me. She just seemed very tired. Usually she is very enthusiastic and energetic. It was a strange choice of evening for a party but all the weekend events were booked up.

She turned up without friends so it was just her and me. She seemed a bit tired and bored. We danced and kissed and so on but she seemed to be going through the motions a bit and I'd catch her sometimes staring into space a million miles away and around 11 started saying she was tired so I took her home. She also didn't drink much. It sounds like she's having a tough work week so maybe she just wasn't feeling in a party mood. Today was in addition to botanical gardens.

Yeah it’s on. No idea if friends are coming. She did suggest that it was ok if I didn’t want that and she’d handle it (although from her subsequent behaviour clearly wasn’t ok) but I guess I’ll see what happens. its her first Halloween in London so I guess it’s excusable but yeah after this will try to insist on quieter dates and maybe a quiet night in once I sort out my new place. Just a little confused why she’s so upset with me when she made a plan with me and then tried to change it and asked me if I was ok with it when the only acceptable answer was yes. But I guess just need to let it go and move forward and try to have a good time with her and whoever she brings with her tonight

I've given her the benefit of the doubt. She's been giving me a lot of the "don't feel obliged to come i can find someone else to go with". So I used google translate and said to her in turkish "With you it is never an obligation and always a pleasure". She seemed to like that and said "Ok if this is the case then pick me up at 6.30pm". But I am very confused. I never ever said I didn't want to see her or go to the event with her. All I said was that I'd find it a little awkward if she brought the two others and would rather it was just us.

Told her that of course I want to go to the event with her and I am really looking forwards to it. She replied "Sure. But feel free to tell bec someone else asked me to meet today already and i said no. So dont feel obliged to come at all."

Yeah I think I am starting to see that now. I mean she did invite me to this event so she is perfectly entitled to invite others along and it is a compliment that she is willing to introduce me to her colleague and I asked her if we were still on for tonight. She said "If u would like to yes, i got the tickets but if u dont want dont feel obliged to, i can find someone to go with if u dislike the idea. I am at the office today but i can let you know when I get home which should be around 5pm". So clearly she is feeling a bit hurt and upset still. And I do see that she has been showing a lot more interest in me recently and is playing an active role in making sure we have future plans together even inviting me to events. So I do really appreciate that. And I am OK with the materialistic thing because I am beginning to understand it is just part of her culture that the man pays and is generous and treats the woman. Only thing that bothers me is the cold treatment when I mistep which I am bound to do in the future. Because it is tough figuring out why she is upset and then figuring out how to make it up to her. The not paying for dates things was easy enough. I just had to take her on some fancy dates to show I cared and it was resolved. But no idea how to make up for this.

Yeah I think saying we were still "getting to know each other" was a poor choice of words especially after we've recently slept together and I should have maybe seen it as her wanting to introduce me to people in her life rather than her trying to turn a date into a group hang which I think is why I said "No". Well that and the fact she had already invited them before asking if I was OK with it. What is the best way to rescue this? I think we are still on for tonight as she did eventually text me back and she has already booked the tickets. But it is the same curt communication style and delayed responses as when I made the initial hotel proposition which upset her so I'm definitely still in her bad books. I have no problem progressing the relationship. We've been on almost 10 dates over the last six weeks or so and spent a lot of time together and we always have a great time together. But I get the sense a little with her that I have to say and do the right things or else she'll go cold on me like she did with the hotel proposition and now again after I said I wasn't really OK with her colleague and husband joining us. And I do not think that is a healthy basis for a relationship. If she really wanted the friends to join us and told me that she would be uncomfortable uninviting them then I would have gone along with it. But she told me that she'd get it if I didn't feel like it and said there was no problem and she'd handle it. But clearly it wasn't OK with it and I gave the wrong response.

Yeah I can see your point. Well it is a work colleague. She's only been working there 3 months so don't know how close they are. And maybe she was just excited to talk about the party and when her colleague said it sounded fun she felt it would be rude not to invite her to join. And yeah I can appreciate it is difficult for her uninviting her colleague and she probably feels embarassed about it and angry with me. And probably I should have just gone along with it and tried to score some points by being sociable and friendly so she'd then want to introduce me to other friends and colleagues. Not quite sure what to do about it now. The party is tonight and I don't even know if we are going together as I haven't heard from her since she said "She'd handle it" and she hasn't replied to my text this morning asking what the plan is. But I guess if this is a dealbreaker for her then she obviously expects any prospective boyfriend to hang out with her and her friends a lot of the time and I failed that test but I'm not sure it would be something I'd be keen on anyway.

Yeah it really doesn't seem like a good deal. Me and her colleagues' husband will be buying the girls drinks all evening. She obviously won't be open to PDAs with her colleague around. It will be far too loud to have a conversation with any of them. And I don't like the way she invited me out and then changed the terms in the way that I could only refuse by looking like a jerk. And after saying "Sure no problem" she stopped texting me and when I texted her in the morning asking what the plan is she hasn't bothered responding to that whereas since Saturday her replies have been pretty much instanteneous and she's been texting me first thing in the morning last thing at night.

Mmm so things have taken a slightly strange term. Even though we had already planned the botanical gardens for the weekend she was keen to go to a Halloween event with me and texted me a bunch of options. We settled on this New Orleans themed event at a cool bar and she said she would book the tickets to treat me as I deserved it. Then an hour later she texted me to say she'd mentioned it to her colleague and was it OK if the colleague and the colleagues' husband joined us? I said I would prefer if it was just her and me. But she said oops she'd already invited them and I guess we'll have to hope they decide not to come. And it could be nice to socialize with people but she'd totally get it if I didn't feel like that and she could invite them some other time. I told her it would be a little awkward as we'd both have to behave as she'd be with a colleague and we are still getting to know each other and that is harder with other people around but if things progress in the future I'd love to meet her friends and colleagues etc. She said "Sure no problem and she'll handle it". I said thanks thinking the situation was resolved. But after that she went quiet after previously texting me constantly since our weekend together and I really do not know now if we are still meeting tonight or who is coming or anything. Also I do not really get why she'd want to invite them. Usually I'd think it was because she was uncomfortable being alone with me but we spent most of last weekend together and slept together so being alone with me at a bar full of people shouldn't be a big deal. I don't know whether it was a test and she wanted to see how I performed in a social situation. Or if she simply got excited and told her colleague about the cool party she was going to with me and then when her colleague got excited felt obligated to invite her to. Also I do not know if I am being unreasonable or not. I'd be spending the evening with her and two complete strangers. It would be a party so too loud to talk or get to know them. They are a married couple whereas me and this girl are just dating. She'd be uncomfortable kissing me or showing affection towards me in front of her colleague and would probably introduce me as her friend which would force me to pretend to be her friend all evening. And of course me and the husband would be expected to buy both girls drinks all evening. And as it is a weeknight I wouldn't be going home with her so there would be no opportunity for privacy and intimacy later in the evening. Part of the reason she wants to see me before Saturday is she wants to pick up the DNA kit I ordered for both of us as she is curious about her ancestry and to get a 10% discount she asked me to order and then she'd refund me her share. So I texted her this morning that the kit had arrived. Will see if that kickstarts a conversation and she then confirms what is happening tonight. But I am a little annoyed that she put me in a situation where I either had to agree to a group date or seem unsociable by refusing.

We're doing botanical gardens and afternoon tea this Saturday. And she said she will cook me something when I move into my new flat. So that should be a bit cheaper. She's been very communicative since the weekend. Sent me a message first thing this morning saying she knows I hate Mondays so wanted to send out some good vibes and suggested I get some coffee and enjoy some sunshine and sent me a picture of her hand holding a cup of coffee with the cheap ring I bought her at the street market proudly displayed on her second finger. And the "dears" and "darlings" are back in full force along with the photo bombing. So I guess I just keep doing whatever I am doing, mix in some cheap and simple dates so she doesn't come to expect the luxury treatment all the time but occasionally treat her, and wait for her to start asking where this is going? I don't think she is a party girl. Just likes eating and drinking out with friends and colleagues. And I guess I only see her once or twice a week at the moment so if she wants to let off steam with friends and colleagues and enjoy more relaxed dates with me that probably suits us both. Really she is very relaxing company....we enjoy nice meals together as we are both foodies and then chill over drinks and music and hug and kiss and talk and it is very enjoyable so far.

You are right there have definitely been some changes in her behaviour towards me. She is initiating affection in a way she never did before and she's talking about future plans and on Saturday she had this goofy smile plastered over her face with her eyes shining. She was also asking questions like when my last relationship was, when did I last have sex, what do I look for in a relationship and so on which she never bothered asking on previous dates. My only real reservation at this point is compatibility. Obviously she likes to go out and have a good time and appreciates the fact that I know lots of good restaurants and bars and enjoy entertainment such as movies and jazz clubs and so on and also know my city incredibly well. And she seems to eat out and drink with her girlfriends and work colleagues most nights of the week from what I gather. And the lifestyle she wants probably isn't sustainable without a man picking up some of the bills which her ex husband was doing from the sound of it. I will have to see how she reacts if I occasionally suggest simpler dates and quiet nights in. Obviously right now I'm kinda courting her so wining and dining is kinda par the course but I'd like a little more balance going forward because while I love nice restaurants and drinking too much of it is tough on the wallet and also not that healthy.

Well. We checked into the hotel Friday night and went for dinner together. She was incredibly sweet and affectionate and was being super nice to me. Afterwards she wanted to go to another jazz club but they were fully booked so instead went to a cocktail bar which was dead and playing terrible rap music so she suggested getting some wine and going back to the hotel. Foreplay got pretty hot and heavy but lost my erection first time round once I tried to put the condom on. She said we could try again later and after an hour of watching TV she initiated things and that psychologically must have helped as everything was fine from that point on and we had pretty good sex. She told me it was the first sex she had since her divorce which was over a year ago. I said she must have had a lot of opportunities so why me? She said it would sound lame but she thought I was very steady and reliable and she felt she could trust me and liked that I was patient. Next morning we had brunch and had a lazy morning looking in different shops and going to a street market and she was basically hanging off my arm the whole time and she couldn't seem to stop smiling and looked very relaxed and happy and was sweet and affectionate. We were both tired so we had an early dinner and then I dropped her off home. Within an hour she texted me this: "Darling, hope u went back safe. I had a really good time and am feeling calm and very happy now. Thank you very much for organising everything, all selections were amazing and I can see your kind and gentle efforts in almost every step you take. Much appreciated, and i feel lucky🙏🏻🤍" Obviously I was paying for everything and took her to a nice hotel and took her out for three meals so some of it probably is just her being polite and rewarding me for the effort I made. But seems to be some emotion in there as well.

Yup the some girl/some guy comments were talking about us and she clearly understood. I'm not going to copy paste the whole exchange which would make it clearer. But yes I think you are right. I just need to assume she likes me and try to enjoy myself.

Thanks. Getting a few jitters this morning. We were flirting a bit last night. She commented on the full moon. And I said it reminded me about the last full moon. She asked me how it was. I said "Mmm unforgettable ;)" and she said "Tell me more". So I was like "Yeah I spent it with some girl I know". She was like "Tell me about the girl". And I asked her how it was for her. And she said "Yeah I had nice time hanging out with some guy I know". So I was like "What happened to the guy?". And she was like "Yeah we were exploring food and drink in London together. He got some training hopefully on how to treat women he likes. And we will see what lies ahead". Bothers me a little she is still talking in terms of hanging out and exploring London and as she has done a total 180 since I started picking up some checks I am feeling her interest in me is very conditional and therefore if I flop in bed tonight she could again completely cool on me the way she did a week or so ago. And while the alcohol was a factor and obviously won't drink tonight I think an aspect of it is performance anxiety because I do not feel accepted by her and I feel she is quite critical and judgemental and the way she went completely cold on me hurt me so I feel vulnerable around her. And that if the sex doesn't measure up to her expectations she will be gone.

On the journey home yesterday we talked about going to a hipster area that neither of us had been to in a while on Friday. So she texted me today saying "shall we make Friday a staycation?" I confirmed she understood what a staycation was and booked us a hotel. I guess the fact she is making it easy for me and giving me another opportunity to take things to the next level is a good sign.

Oh and she is being a lot more communicative today. It is like the old days again when she likes to share details about her day and calls me dear and darling and peppers her conversation with lols and xxs. Also she is keen for us both to do a 23AndMe DNA test to find out our ancestry. She wanted us to both do so she gets the 10% discount (something very strange about her is while she likes to spend frivolously on going out and jewellery and beauty treatments she is ridiculously frugal in other aspects. For example when coming back from Turkey she booked a Day 2 PCR test in the middle of nowhere just to save £20). And she just texted a photo of herself in the pub where she says she has decided to finish off her work for the day. So I guess the fact she is being quite chatty today is a good sign and even though I didn't rise to the occasion as it were she feels a lot closer to me as a result of our evening together and the intimacy we shared.

Yeah. I think she is generally quite understanding. But what is the best way to explain that I do not feel like drinking as much. Obviously don't want to mention the ED as that makes me seem presumptious and also brings up a bad memory for her. I could say that my energy has been dragging and I have a lot of deadlines at work this month so want to drink a bit less. She is very career focused so that might impress her. Or I could say that I need to lose a bit of weight/generally be a bit more health conscious so am going to drink a bit less. Although both of these might make her feel guilty about her own drinking. And yeah I guess if she get annoyed with me then she probably wants a drinking buddy more than a boyfriend and I am better off without her.