shattered4good

Very interesting article, and there's a place there to leave comments.

The two of you need to define what constitutes a fair fight. Fair Fighting: Ground rules Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint. Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you. Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on. Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved. No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability. Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel. Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions. Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings. Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise. Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication. Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, resolution becomes much more likely. link removed Good luck link removed

link removed interesting article. wanted to share

sounds like a psychopath have you looked at link removed or link removed The pull back will be powerful but keep her IMs and EMAILs BLOCKED!!

very powerful! thank you for sharing that

Instead of just shutting her down you MUST BLOCK HER or she will contact you again. Also be SURE she's on your block list on your email. I have to disagree with the therapist - it IS weird. Something I learned the HARD way - if it makes you feel uncomfortable or something "not right" run run run!! So many of us have that "disease to please" that we don't listen to our inner voice. PLEASE PLEASE BLOCK HER IMs and EMAILS now. Before she does something or you say something you will both regret. OK?

Go read my post "a cautionary tale" I bumped it up so it should be close to this one somewhere. These things happen. That woman may have just wanted one thing - she got it and moved on. Maybe she's a bit narcissistic or antisocial personality - who knows? It got weird. The red flags were there. It is COMMON for them to PROJECT and BLAME-SHIFT to us. This alone tells me you were right to BLOCK her! The guy I talk about in "a cautionary tale" even went to the police to charge ME with harassment & stalking. He has a friend there and a detective hassled me for quite a while until I found a way to stop it. You were not dealing with someone with a full deck. Sorry. Somethings we will never understand and frankly, do we really want to? I have some articles on my other site that might help you: link removed shattered

questionguy - I have to laugh with you - people think WOMEN overanalyze everything. As someone almost 50 years old there are times women JUST want to be friends. period. I have a friend - we dated briefly but it just wasn't working out. He married, I married and we stayed friends. It took a LONG while for his wife to warm up to me but he was my friend and it was important. I was nice to her & myself and finally one day she had a revelation that I wasn't trying to steal him back or have an affair. Now, about 12 years later - she & I are better friends than HE & I are. LOL. Have you thought about inviting her & her husband out with you & your wife? Or is your wife really insecure about it? That might put it all out on the table. I have a couple married male friends and that's all it is. Friends. (I tried to turn that guy Jeff into a friend but he wouldn't introduce me to his wife or anything - which turned me off big time. No matter how I tried to be his friend he saw women as an object - his loss; aside from him being a psychopath) Maybe that's all it is. Some men tend to think in terms of sex and/or romance when it comes to the opposite sex. Maybe its time for you to reframe the relationship. See if the wife is ok with going out to dinner with her & her partner. Really. Couples can always use friends their age. And keep it JUST FRIENDS. 8)

I am bumping this up for 'questionguy' as per my post in the other thread

on this forum a while back I posted something called "a cautionary tale" If you search for it it tells the story of what happened when my college sweetheart looked me up. Read it and then think about the pros & cons. FYI - my high school ex also looked me up. I tried to get some healing & closure on the really horrifying things he did to me. He ended up telling a lot of people in our hometown (this is 15 years later) that I was obsessed & stalking him. He even told my parents (who have since passed away). I was just floored. Sorry but I would steer very clear of the whole thing. Shattered

absolutely true. I have the medical reports from this whole mess traumatizing me. A video a Jeff doing ******** Chat sessions with source code & encoding to prove they emanated from his computer I don't lie. I unfortunately don't have to.

Well I knew him from my younger days. After a while I sort of KNEW something was wrong - but I guess I kept HOPING he'd talk to me and I could direct him towards some professional help. Silly I know. I sort of knew about the hookers but I didn't know the extent. Every once in a while he would tell me he needed some sort of help and we'd talk but he never really came clean. I guess I was just being very altruistic because I loved him and even though he's married I wanted him to be happy & not hurt his family. Doesn't that sound dumb? My dad would have missed it too? Why? my mom was a similar sort of person as Jeff. Boing!!!! retrospect IS 20/20. I am not dating again. I have been unfortunately involved with a lot of narcissistic men - I had a narcissistic abusive mother and in the last couple years. My therapist has been really helpful but the whole situation with Jeff triggered my PTSD so bad - I am just devoted to my kids. No more dating. Nope. Done. That's just me - not anyone else. I really don't want to be involved again. Ever. My estranged husband is still abusing me and its taking a lot of energy to maintain boundaries with him but I am doing it. The funny thing about Jeff is his very political, oh so ethical & moral website. It makes me laugh now. Of course since his favorite madam got busted he hasn't posted anything. Hmmmmm...... For me? I started a website on abuse. I have passed a lot of things I have found on to other people. Its my therapy. Thank you for your support. I still feel very ashamed & stupid but I hope I can help others avoid the same. link removed

They always say don't get involved with someone you don't know. Well I NEVER did - this was someone I KNEW. I wasn't random like many internet predator abusers - I was TARGETED!- by someone I had known for over 25 years. The Set-Up The man I speak of is named Jeffrey D. We were intimate briefly in undergrad school. He left to go to another school and I didn't hear from him until April 2002, when he emailed me "out of the blue." Seems he got my email address from link removed where Jeff has contacted other old friends, too. He was currently unemployed (formerly the publisher of a children's magazine) so had the time to IM me every day. We caught up and Jeff quickly initiated an emotional affair. He found out that I have a child, am disabled and divorcing due to verbal and emotional abuse. He was extremely sympathetic about other abusive relationships I had been trapped in and my new internet "love" couldn't have been nicer. As soon as I got comfortable with this emotional cyber affair, the love bombing began. Love Bombing Begins This man likes cybersex and initiated it with me rapidly. I told him to slow down, I wanted lunch or coffee with him, a face to face, in order to catch up. "You're moving too fast," I told him. Jeff began pushing to meet me at a hotel right away but I told him no. So he refused to see me! Even tho I was 10 minutes from his office (when he found work again), he kept telling me he "couldn't control himself" around me. The "no lunch" but "meet me in a hotel," was confusing, especially since I was convinced we were "falling in love" again. Jeff told me he couldn't see me socially because, "I'll have to make some hard decisions about my marriage even if we just see each other as friends." I told him I was not comfortable getting involved with someone who was married with children. After my reality shots, he would distance himself from me for a few weeks and come back with a vengeance. Jeff used a lot of "confusing talk" with me and then played dumb. He would twist things, making it seem like I was acting overbearing and aggressive when he had initiated and encouraged my interest. This man elicited sympathy from me by saying that ADHD was his "problem." He has told me he is on Wellbutrin, and called them his "happy pills." My new cyber love-interest also bragged that he had a friend whose mom worked at Pfizer so he could get his Vitamin V (Viagra). This he needed, you understand, because his wife was so cold and unfeeling towards him. He shared these things with me not as "sob stories" mind you, but as one old friend telling another the truth about how their life had turned out. He Lectured Me on Morality In September 2002 my estranged husband found some files on my computer regarding this emotional affair. The abuse from my ex escalated. Because of my feelings for Jeff, I defended him. Sharing my predicament with Jeff, his response was to distance himself for weeks. When he contacted me again, it was as if the emotional stuff between us NEVER happened. When I did bring it up, I got MORALITY lectures as if I was the one who began this "affair." As many abused women do, I rationalized it. I remembered him as a very sweet, quirky person in college. He had been the great love of my life and it was easy to be grateful for the attention and friendship and rationalize away his inconsistencies. We continued talking for many months as friends. Jeff admitted to me he was addicted to online-porn, roll-playing and masturbating. He masturbated to me live on web cam once (NOT at my request) and sent me pictures of his penis and a number of pornographic images. These I deleted immediately but allowed him to send in the name of friendship. He started requesting I do things for him on web cam all the while telling me it was "the only safe way we could be together." I was very hesitant, confused and unable to identify the game. He would then apologize profusely for even asking. And then beg and I would give in. He might say what we were doing was o.k. or the next day or even an hour later act like he didn't remember what had happened. Sometimes he'd trivialize our cybersex. Many times he told me he was 'sick' and 'needed help' but when I offered to help he placated me and did nothing. Astonishingly, Jeff even told me, "I look at every woman like they are just a hole." Do these guys even remember who they are talking to? Do we? I realize now, he's a Sex Addict Obviously, I realize now, he's a sex addict, among other things. The things he wanted me to do became rougher and cruder and I started to say "No" to him again. Even tho I had had a prior relationship with him, this was ALL waaaay out of character for me. I even stopped speaking to him for weeks at a time because I was so uncomfortable. I was vulnerable and flattered by his interest so I kept forgiving and going back, telling myself, "After all, we are good friends." I wanted desperately to see him and eventually gave an ultimatum. Finally, we ended up having lunch–just once, in Manhattan in Sept. 2003. It didn't go well. Jeff was stand-offish and didn't look me in the eye. The conversation revolved around pleasantries with ZERO acknowledgement of what had passed between us. He positioned us at a table where he could sit FAR away from me. Besides the remoteness and stinging reserve, the most disturbing thing he did was upon leaving. There was a short flight of stairs to negotiate. I gingerly walked by the wall so I could steady myself. Due to my disability, my legs aren't always reliable. Rather that stepping in and helping me, like most normal people do, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and backed away like I was a monster. I cried in the car on the way home. This is a pattern for most abused women. They get charmed into an emotional attachment, allow abuse in the name of love or loyalty, get hurt and begin to doubt themselves and their worth, then rationalize away the abuse when the charm is turned on again, and finally, insanely, they think they can help the guy understand what he has done and help him change! We are good natured, loyal and loving idiots regarding this pattern. Sad to say, I allowed myself to become part of the pattern again, even after this lunch that demonstrated his true and evil character. I introduced him to his Next Target Jeff also fancies himself a writer. He writes extensively on Judaism, ethics, morals and religions and has his own website. In January 2004 he wrote an article that I helped him with. I then introduced him to an online female friend in California who is also involved with Jewish issues. She helped place his article in a couple more places. I eventually learned that shortly after I introduced them, Jeff initiated an online affair with her. She ALSO comes from an unhappy marriage and a background of abuse so, once again was an easy target for him. Ironically, he came with my recommendation! She stopped talking to me for weeks, and finally IM'd me to ask me a question about him. One thing led to another and after 36 hours of no sleep, here's what came out of that marathon conversation: He was going to see her in San Francisco to start an actual affair and tried to prevent us from communicating. When this woman and I did talk, we realized Jeff was weaving a tapestry of lies and conceit, the details of which are perplexing, often silly and sometimes painful. It became evident that he was a deeply sick person. Where the lies ended and the truth started, I doubt even he knew. IMAGINE MY SHOCK when this person I thought I knew, who told me he was not very demonstrative was saying "I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE MY SOULMATE" and sending cards, 3-5 calls a day, etc to someone he'd known less than a month and NEVER met in person!! At this point, it was obvious even to me that this love of my life was not "into" me. Jeff had given her his business phone, his cell number and a variety of ways to contact him in only 5 weeks of knowing her. He did not do these things for me. Yet if I tried to discontinue the friendship with this realization that he wasn't INTO ME - he would come back and BOMB me with how much I meant to him and "please don't stop talking to me." It was easy to see his sickness and dysfunction; it was harder to get at my own. I was still being reeled in with the obsession that somehow I could help him and that he needed me. When our sex/love addict friend found out us girls had talked, he spent several days trying to call and smooth it out. Finally, he IM'd me threatening to tell my husband we'd had an actual affair and assured me he was a good liar (I kept a copy of this IM in case I ever needed to protect myself). The woman in California and I made a decision to turn all our information over to his wife and rabbi in hopes that they would intervene. This of course, fueled his anger and since I live the closest to him and Jeff knows my address, I was and continue to be very scared. I doubt he would come and try to harm me, BUT I realize I don't really know this "love of my life" after all. "I possess psychic powers and can touch women with my mind." He once told me and a younger friend of mine (that he also tried to 'get jiggy' with), "I possess psychic powers and can touch women with my mind." Jeff also said he was going to Israel to help out with their politics and make a few "predictions." When I called him on these things he said he was only joking. Then I got an email from a friend and they showed me some websites where Jeff had been posting reviews of at least 12 call girls he has seen in NYC. It simply confirmed that there was a heck of a lot more going on than just a couple bad online affairs. Some of these hookers he saw prior to me and some during. In one of our first conversations when he moaned about his wife I asked him if he'd ever been to a hooker. His reply? "Oh NO!!! I would never do THAT!! My wife and I have money and a good lifestyle and if she found out she would take the kids from me. Besides, it's immoral." (can you hear me laughing?) It seems Jeff is registered at every "sex partners wanted for discreet relationship" site on the net (link removed, link removed). He makes no effort to hide that he is married, has kids or even exactly where he lives! This freaked me out because his wife works at home. Any psycho could go there and kill her and/or his kids. What You Need to Know He has had executive jobs with toy and child-related firms and currently works for a family magazine and travels extensively. Jeff once told me he enjoys working in industries that focus around children. This worries me. I worry about the progression of sex addiction and if it may extend to children. Last summer he sent me and another friend, pictures of his 11 year old daughter in provocative poses in her bedroom saying he and she were just having fun. Disturbing. Sex addiction is progressive and dangerous and I don't know how far his has gone. He once sent me a photo from Halloween where he dressed as Spiderman, his penis visible through the costume in public. The woman in California sent me a homemade porn video of him and a pornographic e-card he sent her. She also tried to turn these over to the FBI—thinking, like me, that the police might want to stop a man like this. They don't. Or won't. Or can't. Who knows? The Police Target the Girls, not the Guys I finally called the NYPD Computer Crimes division and made a trip to their offices. They took everything from me and thanked me profusely (a big change from my local precinct). One of his online escort booking agencies was busted and his favorite madam was arrested in a very public trial. This female sociopath plead out to only one charge, but thank God for something. My local Dept of Investigation is involved, as well as the CPS and State Attorney General. But what galls me is, these agencies seem to have done ZERO about him or the other men who buy these escorts. His Wife's Denial His wife has been told everything but has probably been so abused and lied to by him she doesn't know what to believe. Because I haven't kept his secrets and have contact with his other targets, Jeff and his wife tried to charge me with harassment! Yet I had cut off contact long ago! By sending copies of everything I had on the guy to the detective they involved, Jeff and his wife's harassment accusations stopped. I did find out he convinced his wife that I masterminded everything (LOL) and I planted it all. She's staying with him. He tried to tell people I was stalking him and the woman in California was harassing him. Jeff is good at what he does, casting his demons onto others and convincing those in his life that HE is the victim. I did hear that Jeff convinced his employer, his rabbi, and his family that I had been stalking him for years. Fortunately, I saved many of our conversations and IMs with the source codes so I can prove this is false, if need be. My tormentor also claimed that I planted the stuff on the escort review boards, but fortunately he paid with his credit card and the ISP information bares me out. He is still very angry that he's been exposed - rather than saying "yes i did this" and trying to make amends he is occupied with blaming anyone who tells the truth about him. He treated me like a dirty secret Jeff's been snooping around lately, 16 months later. He emailed one my friends last summer and has been found going to websites I frequent, no direct contact though. I am still being treated for PTSD to learn how to overcome my pain and memory of this. He's a sexual addict, a psychological sadist and yup - a sociopath. He got me to keep his secret for two years - and treated me like a dirty secret in return. Don't fall for this. Nothing beats fresh air and sunshine to disinfect abuse. Be Careful out there!! REALLLY careful!! don't worry I am in therapy and have been working on myself. I was stupid not to see the red flags but everytime I called him on stuff he would have a viable reason (not excuse).