Bluegirl

Thanks Loveseeker, It's so lovely to see those messages of support. I know that you went through a very tough time with your ex and his 'issues'. I saw you made the same point again and again and it was a very valid you: You are not his therapist. My own ex had some family issues which I think probably affected him more than we both realised. Unfortunately, being women, we can spend hours trying to work out where men are coming from, why they are behaving in a certain way etc and I have no doubt that I excused him alot due to the fact that his family was a bit dysfunctional. I bet I wouldn't have got the same understanding if the shoe was on the other foot. I spent hours reviewing our relationship when we went on our 'break', trying to find the reason for this actions etc and it wasn't until he went off with someone else (who by the way I would equate to a bottle of vodka, someone just to help get through the mess of a break-up) that I stopped trying to justify his actions. He made such a silly silly choice by doing that because I was willing to stay in the relationship up until that point. I would have done an awful lot to save it but he crossed a line that is unacceptable. The ironic thing, and I think it's definitely true for you too, is that we were the better package in the relationship! ! They were the ones with the 'issues', we were there, full of love, wanting things to work. I remember one night I came home very upset and my father said a wonderful thing to me. He said 'you did nothing wrong, you just loved someone very much'. It has given me such peace because I know that I have the capacity to give and receive love and in the long term I'll be okay. I don't know if our exes will be as lucky....

Thanks for that girls, it's nice to hear! Believe me, it's taken a while to get to the point where i think I'm going to be okay. I have had a lot of sleepless nights and I've lost a bit of weight but finally I'm starting to feel like eating and socialising a bit again. I definitely think that looking at this site has helped. I think there is a tendency in all of us to believe that 'our love' was the greatest and no one could have possibily experienced what we have but then you read all the stories and see the same pattern over and over again. Relationships ending is terribly sad but there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. I know I have to cry for all the memories and also cry for all the things that I thought we'd have and do together. I know he's not doing that and I imagine that one day he might get a fright when he realises that he hasn't vaguely even begun to deal with our breakup and it will hit him like a ton of bricks. Deep down (despite his dreadful behaviour) he's a very emotional person and I know that he has wrapped all of this up in a box labeled 'Do not touch'. But life doesn't work that way and someday it will all come pouring out. I just hope he leaves me alone when that happens and deals with it himself. I think the only blessing in all of this is that he isn't contacting me at all and I'm not contacting him. I have asked our mutual friends not to tell me anymore about what he's up to because what's the point? I can't let his behaviour effect me anymore. Obviously I'd love to hear that his new romance is a total disaster etc etc but I kind of realise now that what good will that do me? Give me hope? No, I don't want to hope because it would be the wrong thing to do to get back with him. He has ruined a wonderfully romantic and happy relationship, it can't be fixed. I have to move on and be happy on my own for a while. Can't wait until I am happy again!!

I have to agree with the others. I don't think he is in any doubt about how you feel. You have told him, he knows that you love him. He knows that you miss him. But knowing that is not changing his behaviour towards you, it's sad but true. My boyfriend asked me for a break and I didn't contact him at all and two weeks later I got a very long email explaining how he was feeling, very confused, lonely etc etc. Well I tried to see if we could fix things but in the end of the day, his issues were too much for him. Like you I wondered, does he know I miss him etc. I told him when we met that I loved him and wanted to be with him but if he didn't want to be with me then that was his choice and he should walk away. And he did. It was horrible and I'm gutted but at least I know I couldn't have done anything else. He had time on his own and he figured out that he didn't want 'us' anymore. He was in no doubt about my feelings just as your ex isn't about yours. How many times can you tell him? Just give him the space that he seems to want and trust that the right outcome will happen. You can't force someone to be with you, you can't plead with them. It would never last in the long term. If he comes back to you of his own accord at least you will know that it was his decision. I know it's hard, I'm heartbroken, but it is important to be strong. xxxxxx

Hi, I've been reading other people's threads for a few weeks now and it really does help to see that I'm not the only one going through this but at the same time I decided to write my own because everyone's relationships are uniquely different. I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. We didn't live together but spent a huge amount of time together, he was my best friend and we were a great couple, very happy and very much in love. At the same time, I didn't give up my own independance, my own friends etc (something I am very grateful for now). We both wanted the same things from life and had the same goals. He wasn't great at talking about the future though, but being in love I suppose I didn't realise that this was a problem. Anyway, things were going well until last December when he said that he wasn't very happy. He had just turned 30 and I think he got freaked out about where he was in his life etc. I told him to go away and think about things and a few days later he came back and said he was miserable without me and we had a fantastic talk and we thought that what had happened would actually end up bringing us closer. Things were fine but then in January nothing seemed to have changed, he still wasn't able to think about 'our' future and I ended up being frustrated with him. We got into a row about it and he said he wanted a 'break'. Obviously I was really upset and said that a break is pretty much a break up and it wasn't a good idea. Anyway he said he needed space and we went on a 'break'. I was devastated and shocked. I'm not a fool, I have been in love before and I knew we were a very well suited couple. Anyway, initially he sent me an email and a birthday present and just seemed to be miserable and confused and then nothing. Almost a month later, out of the blue he sent me an email about giving me my stuff back. It turns out that he had started up a romance with a girl in work the week before the email. I don't think it is love or anything, I think he just took the easy road and went off with her rather than face his fears about us. This is the way he deals with big problems, he acts like they don't exist. Obviously I'm broken hearted and very let down. I loved him very much and I know he did love me but his issues consumed him and he ended up throwing away a great thing. I could never get back with him, he has hurt me so much. I am very glad that I have done nothing wrong in this. All our friends believe he has made the biggest mistake and everyone is really angry with him so it helps to know that. But still, I'm very lonely and I just wanted to share my story. I know I will get over this and be okay but it's a long road and I'm frightened. I thought I had found the one for me, we both did, but now I have to start again and it's hard.

You know it's funny. I think we can excuse anything when it comes to our own behaviour. We know when we have acted badly but we rationalise it with our excuses. Even when our friends hurt their partners we will nearly always be understanding of our friends and help them justify why their actions were okay. But when it happens to us, when we get the raw deal, get treated badly we are amazed that our exes could behave that way. My ex, who really did love me for our three year relationship, got terrible cold feet, asked for a break and then while I thought he was 'sorting out his head', he ended up going off with another girl. I am so incredibly hurt by his behaviour but I am pretty sure he has justified it to himself, 'it wasn't working' etc etc. People justify their behaviour because it is too difficult to live with the guilt otherwise. I don't think people set out to be cruel or hurtful during a relationship breakup, I just think it becomes about self-perservation, doing whatever you can to make it easier on yourself. I know he started up with this girl because it was easier than facing his commitment issues. He has a new relationship that is fun and not serious so he is probably feeling fine. I am devastated but I don't think he will ever be able to understand how hurtful he was to do this. He will fool himself into thinking that I will be okay because it's easier for him. I suppose it's a human failing....

Hi, I would be a bit careful if I were you. She is definitely giving you the signals that she is interested in getting back together. I should know, I did the same thing to an old boyfriend years ago. I broke up with him because I felt I was too young to be too serious and I wanted to meet other people. He was really upset and I ended up going out with someone else for 8 months. My ex told me not to contact him and I didn't, although I really wanted to because I thought we might have a chance in the future. I spilt with my new romance (it was never going to be serious) and pretty much immediately got back in contact with my ex. Looking back on it now I realise how selfish I was, I wanted to have my cake and eat it so to speak. I didn't want him at the time but I wanted to keep him in the picture just in case. We did get back together for a short while but he finished it after a few months. I think going back out with me was the closure he needed to move on. You may get back with your ex and you might be lucky and it could all work out really well but do recognise that you will probably have unresolved issues that will come up again once you get back together i.e. that she was with someone else. I really hope it works out for you and that you will be happy no matter what, just take it slowly, it's a difficult road to go down. Best of luck

I understand completely that you don't feel angry yet. Of course you don't, you are still in complete shock. I know that you can't quite believe it's happening, that's totally normal and don't worry about it. It's a process and you are probably in the first stage, denial. There is no way you can be angry with something that you can't quite believe is happening. Don't let others rush you through this, it is a day to day experience. Your friends just want you to be better, they want you to be back to yourself. I am in the same situation as you and everyone is desperate for me to be back to my normal smiling self. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen for a while. I had a good night last night though. I bought the book 'Don't call that Man', and it has lots of excercises where you write out answers to questions the author poses. I have to say it did put things into slightly better order for me, and although I am still so unbelievably sad and hurt and betrayed because after 3.5 years he has moved on to someone else, I am starting to see that it's his problem not mine. I was full of love and willing to make a life with him, it was his problem that he couldn't do the same. I do NOT believe that he is totally content with his new girlfriend, just as yours isn't with his. They are just an easy way to get over the pain. Ironically it won't work, because it just supresses all the memories and emotions that you are currently reliving in your head. He's not doing that but eventually he will have to. By then, you'll be in a much stronger position. Remember you are doing the right thing by grieving and going through this. It is the only way to ensure that this doesn't screw you up forever. Big Hug xxxxx

Hi there, It's spooky, I know exactly how you feel. I was with my boyfriend for over three years and we were very much in love. Unfortunately he began to have doubts a few months ago even though I was the most serious girlfriend he ever had and we thought we'd be together forever. He asked for a 'break' and I hoped that we'd get through it, that he'd miss me as much as I missed him. At the start he did, he was very lonely and miserable but suddenly, out of the blue two weeks ago I got an email from him to arrange to give me back my things. It turns out he has begun seeing a girl from work. I am totally gutted, I think she was just a convenient way to get the relatiohship breaking up but I am torturing myself imaging them doing all the things we used to do. I know he is not going through any of the pain and hurt that I am, she's his distraction and he's probably fine. I'm sure in the long run I have chosen the most mature way to handle things by working through my sadness but it still really hurts to know he can walk away so easily. I feel like a fool....