grymoire

dude not to be rude but i guess its not even worth it to be friends with this woman. its rude of her to think how dare you ask her for a date. you had feelings and you expressed it... what's the big deal now? this is in direct contrast with how my girl reacted. after i accepted her rejection and began walking she called me up and apologized that she is unable to have a relationship. she asked me not to be angry with her.. another thing you are telling is that if you break the friendship now she won't even attempt to get you back. that means she doesn't value you that much really.. i even doubt whether she respects you. i seriously think you should forget about the friendship and move on for the following 2 reasons: 1) its killing you inside 2) she won't be bothered if you break the friendship and that means your friendship doesn't mean anything to her

It's a great analogy! But his problem is that the restaurant does have clam chowder but not willing to serve him. Even worse is that its being served to a shabby looking customer. How would you explain this?

hey mon, i got couple of questions for you: 1) After you told her about your feelings what was her reaction? 2) How were the first few days following the rejection? Did she distance herself from you? 3) Did you try to distance yourself from her? If you did, did she try to get you back as a friend? 4) How much of a friend is she really to you? If you were to break the friendship right now do you think she will make an attempt to get you back? 5) How are things between you guys right now? Is it back to how it was before you professed your feelings? Do let me know.

This is called Karma! You laid the bed, now lie on it!! Women that lead men and think they are making fools of them will see themselves in the same situation in no time. What you give WILL come back to you. You made a fool of Matt and now Curtis has returned you that favor. Does the lunch that Matt paid for taste sweet now??

so sorry for my late response dude. okay, i find lot of similarities between your story and mine. but i also do notice some major differences. in my case the girl came after me... everytime it was she that made plans to meet.. we travelled together, met for lunch and coffee, and returned home together every single day.. i conveyed my interests in like 2 weeks via compliments.. she got the message and said that we both were only friends. after 2 months i accidentally learnt that she actually had a long-distance boyfriend... she had pretty much hidden that guy from me and till this day i am unable to figure out the reason why. she talked about her girlfriends and other guy friends but not once did she mention about the boyfriend. for some lame reason i assumed that this is why she said we both were just friends.. in any case we both continued hanging out.. we really enjoyed each others company.. after two more months one fine day she said that she broke up with her boyfriend. i really got confused at this point and assumed that she was telling me her single status and was interested in me... i mean, she never ever talked about that guy until that point and now she was telling that she broke-up with him.. so around three weeks later i told her about my feelings and she said she is not in a position to have a relationship with any man and only likes me as a friend. i was devastated!!! the next day we both had a conversation. she told she didn't have feelings for me... i knew it was a lie!!! and i told her that... and asked her one more time.. she told "well i had fleeting thoughts but...". then she told that i was not her type.. i asked her what she meant by that. that's when she said "let me tell you my biggest secret. i can only marry a Jew or atleast a Christian". i am from India and i am a Hindu... when i heard that sentence i felt like i was in a small village in my country... 'cos that's where people insist on having arranged marriages within same religion and caste... i am a 30 yr old guy and this girl is 29 yrs.... she obviously knew what she was talking... after this conversation i became disgusted and said that i am taking some time off... she pleaded me not to break the friendship but i felt i was used by her and started walking away... she literally had tears in her eyes... but i told her it will be too hard for me to immediately continue with her as friends with all these feelings. the following few days were hell.. she missed me way too much and started getting angry that i was not with her. i felt that i needed some alone time and she was not giving me that.. she hounded me like she usually does and set me off... we got into a huge fight and i hurt her very badly... but even after all that she put in extra-ordinary efforts in getting me back as a friend and after a week of fight i gave in. after we got back as friends i kept my distance but she made it a point to meet me somehow every single day... in time we both got back to our usual routine and started meeting for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times every week like how we used to in the beginning... right now we both are friends and i should say that we are friends 'cos she puts in so much effort to keep the friendship. just like how she said, she still doesn't want a relationship with any man... its been 6 months since she broke-up and she is still single. we have been meeting for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times a week for the past 8 months.. and mind you it's she that initiates it nearly every time. when i said i may have to go back to my country she told "you are breaking my heart"... when i told after joinning a new job i will be a bit far off from her she said "we shud still meet for lunch.. atleast by taking the train"... when i was away on a 1 month vacation she said she was depressed after i left.. she also said that she had a dream about me... all of this makes me think that she sees me as an emotional boyfriend... here is what i know now: she will not develop feelings for me and even if she does I DON"T WANT HER ANYMORE!!!!!!!! attraction, feelings, and subsequent love should come naturally... i don't have to try hard or force her to love me. b'cos of the amount of time i spent with this woman i developed that emotional attachment and exactly like you i have been posting one thread after another... but off late i have been realizing that it's not worth it... i know she likes me soooooooo much... i am her joy..... she always wants to be with me.... i am her first choice - from watching movies to going to games or concerts... but she for some reason won't date me.... BIG DEAL.... ITS HER LOSS!!!!!!!!!! keep telling that.... ITS HER LOSS!!!!!!!! i just got a new job and am settling down... in another 1 month i will start dating new women.... that's probably the best thing i can do for myself! and i would suggest that you do the same... listen bro, if she doesn't want to date you then here is what you got to do: 1) don't bring up that topic ever again with her (that's like putting her on a pedestal) 2) distance yourself from her (emotional attachment will reduce) 3) start dating other women (will be a distraction and will also help you find somebody that will return your feelings) just follow these 3 things and you will be fine!!!!!! all the best to you! Be Cheerful

hi monsieur, can you plz briefly tell your story. i guess i am in the exact same situation and can give you some suggestions.

It's very simple monsieur. Once you become a girl's friend you stay that way no matter how truly you like her. They put you in that friendzone out of which you can never come out. Women do not want to date their guy friends, they only prefer to date strangers!

I know that she will be hurting b'cos of the break-up but I was afraid that I might lose her by not telling her how I felt. Are you telling that she is doing me a favor by continuing the friendship with me?

It's okay. Actually when I met her I thought she was single. I never knew that she had a long-distance boyfriend. She used to mention about her guy-friends and girl-friends but never her boyfriend. After nearly 3 months of hanging out with her I came to know that she had a LDR boyfriend. I don't know why she never told me about him. The only time she directly told me about him was when she said "I broke-up with my boyfriend today". I had feelings for her and thought that she was telling me about her single status. So 2 weeks after the break-up I said I had feelings but she said she doesn't. I really didn't blackmail her emotionally by saying if you don't accept me i can't be your friend. I only said that it will be difficult for me to be her friend while I have all the feelings with me. Is this wrong?

I really don't understand what you are trying to tell me. After she broke-up with her boyfriend she became single and so I said that I am interested in her. Is something wrong in telling a girl about your feelings? Why are you telling that I tortured her and tried to manipulate? I seriosuly don't understand.

Very interesting! For me the reverse is happening I couldn't tell my female friend of 4 months about my feelings 'cos she was in an "on again/off again" relationship with her LDR boyfriend. I definitely thought that she was interested in me 'cos we travel together, meet for lunch and coffee every single day and she was giving me plenty of signs. After she broke-up with her boyfriend I told her my feelings and she said she had just come out of a break-up and doesn't want to date any man now. I said fine and kept walking. Before I could reach home she called me up and said that she was sorry and that she likes me so much but only as a friend. We met the next day and had a talk. Finally I said I cannot continue as her friend b'cos I have too much feelings for her now and it will be difficult for me to hang out with her. She didn't expect that and reacted very intensely. She was on the verge of tears and pleaded me not to break the friendship. This really drove me crazy 'cos we both knew each other only for 4 months at that time. I told her I will be away from her for a while and then get back as friends. I then backed-off for a while (1 week) and she was very angry with me because I wasn't spending any more time with her. We ended up having a huge fight. She was very very upset that I wasn't seeing her anymore. At one point she guilt-tripped me by saying "you have betrayed me. as soon as you knew that i won't get intimate with you your true colors came out and you are going away". I got sick and tired of the whole thing. She then said she doesn't want to be my friend anymore and I said fine and walked away. But in less than 2 hours she started emailing and calling me and kept apologizing. She said she was wrong and she wants me back. I ignored her for 4 days but gave in on the 5th day. She was extra-ordinarily persistent in getting me back. After we got back as friends she made sure that I never slip away again and put in a lot of effort. Even today she is kind of insecure about the friendship. We are still friends and that's because she puts in so much effort.

Hi Monsieur, Just curious... I assume you told about your feelings to your female friend. I see that your friendship with her got ruined. What exactly happened? Did she cut off the friendhsip after you told her how you felt? Thanx

You are going to make a fool of yourself by letting your friend know about your feelings however you show it. She is your friend, she is not going to date you! Save yourself the pain and go after some other women that are not your friends.

I don't mean to discourage you but chances are she is most likely to say "i only like you as a friend" when you tell her your feelings. I can say that the probablity of you getting the "just friends" line is 99% if not then you are a damn lucky man that belongs to the other 1%. Women will never date their male friends. You are either her friend or her boyfriend. You can never make the transition of 'friend to boyfriend'. They will be more than willing to date a stranger and get abused instead of giving their guy friends a chance. It's strange but that's how it is. I would suggest that you date somebody else. Sorry man, I have personally experienced this (exact same situation) and had enough pain to endure.

it's very simple! the good guys that treat u well and see u as a person are the ones that u will categorize as "just friends" and put them in the friendzone.. the bad ones that want u only for sex are the ones u will date and sleep with... its that easy! i have personally made it a point not to fall for a woman because of the person she is. b'cos if i do then i will become her friend and i can't date her. i just wanna see the body and nothing more.... only then the woman will feel the chemistry and want to date me... go figure!!!

Totally agree Diggity! I was only curious about the psychology behind this logic... i understand that confidence supercedes everything else!

whichever way you put it rejection is definitely going to hurt. and its just not for men, its for women as well... i wud suggest u just tell the guy "i don't have romantic feelings for you" and stop there. if u say the typical "u r a nice guy but...." then he may think "if i am nice then why don't u like me"... just being straight-forward leads to much less ambiguity. i have a question for you. what do u mean by "I'm not waiting around for my 'just friends' guy, I'm going out with someone else"? r u waiting for one of ur guy friends that is interested in you to open up and ask u out? also on a general note i am just wondering about this friends cannot become boyfriends theory. i think its the question of whether the woman likes the guy or not. i mean if she likes the guy but he is hanging around as a friend does that make the woman to put him in the friendzone forever? and then reject him when he opens up? why wud u reject a guy u like just b'cos he didn't ask you out soon enough? i understand if the guy is way too shy or reluctant and won't spill the beans for a long time but if its only a short period of time what's the problem?

Thanks Diggity! Yeah i am continuing with this woman as friends.. i cannot hang out with her and other friends because she makes sure that when we meet its only the two of us but anyway.. i am not going to make the mistake of hoping that she will change her mind or look for signs.. in fact, even if she herself becomes interested in me i would have second thoughts. she has punched me in the stomach by telling that she only sees me as a friend and that's a blow that i will not forget for this lifetime! i don't want any more blows...

Excellent post Diggity! hats-off to you.. and its very interesting to see my post appearing as an example needless to say i learnt a lot from this forum and also from my experience.. that said, i have two questions for you.. first, i completely understand that u shud ask out a woman that u r interested in within a short span of time. but i am wondering on what basis wud the woman agree to go out with u or date you when she hardly knows anything about you. i do understand that people know about each other via dating but even to go on a date there needs to be something for the woman to decide on right? unless and until i am extremely attactive physically why would a woman want to go out with me? second, after u land in the friendzone what is the best thing for a guy to do? in my own case i walked away but she didn't leave me. she keeps chasing me and is finding ways to spend time with me. now i know for sure that she is not interested in me and will never be in the future too... so i agree to spend time with her ONLY when i don't have anything else to do. everytime she is the one that plans something and calls me while i take my own sweet time before i tell yes or no. i am not sure whether i am hurting her by behaving like this but i dunno what else to do. any suggestions?

i hope u r not me... 'cos i was in ur exact same situation. i met a woman some three months ago and we started as friends.. she had an "on again, off again" relationship with her long-distance boyfriend. but she never ever talked to me about him.. we hung out a lot and had so much fun together.. lunches, dinners, movies, games, ... then one fine day she told me that she broke-up with him. it appeared to me like a signal and so after two weeks i asked her out officially.. but to my surprise she said "no". she said we started as friends and how can i expect to date now? i am hurting so much now... i just want to tell u that if u start as friends with a woman its very difficult to become her boyfriend... so watch out..

dude if u r friends with a woman u never ever become her boyfriend.. i don't understand that psychology but that's how it is... i recently got burnt in the same situation... good luck

Thanx Diggity! I had actually asked for your advice regarding this in my own thread - "How do u let her know?" can u plz go back to the thread, read the details and give me ur wise advice? i will also copy-paste that question here again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- diggitydog, ok bro, i got to be honest and admit that i have done a blunder... the woman that i had talked about.. well, after my last post i was continuing with her as friends giving up hopes of any relationship... but things changed a lot.. she got closer to me, always sat only with me in train, started tapping my shoulder, spent more time with me, lunches, dinners, games... and one fine day she said she broke up with her "on again, off again" LDR boyfriend. i kind of took this like a green signal... we became very close after her break-up.. she said she will take me to her new apartment and watch a romantic movie (Office Space), said "i know u r dreaming about my cats",... blah blah.. i took all of this hints and so on tuesday i asked her out officially.. but just like u said she refused!! she said she only appreciates me as a friend.. i was fine with this and walked away. we met again next day and spoke.. since i have strong feelings for her i said that i need some time to quell the feelings before i can get back to her as friends.. i even started avoiding her. but to my surprise she is literally chasing me now.. she is sending "miss u" emails, text messages, phone calls... she is very mad that i am avoiding her now... i wud like to continue as friends but am i being unfair in asking for some time away from her... yesterday she got so mad and she said she doesn't want me as a friend anymore... i said fine. but less than an hour later she sends emails and says sorry and wud like to continue as friends... her emails, phone calls r driving me crazy. i am not replying to any of them.. and i dunno what i am supposed to do now.. why is she so desperate? in her own words i am only a friend.. what's so wrong in not seeing her for a while.. plz give me ur wise advice.. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks patience.. i asked for space and she didn't honor that... she is mad that i am avoiding her.. its a good suggestion, but this is the woman that told me "i don't have feelings for u now and will not have even in the future". so i dunno how well this wud work.. any suggestions?

well i think she is very confused... b'cos when i asked her out she said doesn't have feelings and will not have in the future too.. i looked deeply in her eyes and asked "u didn't have, even for a second?" and she replied "i did have some fleeting thoughts but...". but i just took this as not interested and walked away.. but she doesn't want to let me go... my gut feeling is she likes me but something is blocking her.. if i didn't get the vibes i wudn't have asked her out in the first place..

i am in pretty much the same situation but just the reverse is happening... i was hanging out with a girl for 3 months and we both enjoyed each others company. she was in an "on again, off again" long-distance relationship.. with time i got interested in her as more than friends and got the same vibes from her too.. and aroud three weeks back she broke-up with her boyfriend and also let me know about it.. i thought she is giving me the green signal and this tuesday i officially asked her out.. she surprised me by saying 'no' and that she is not looking for a relationship with any man now.. but she said we cud still continue as friends... but i said i need some time and space and if the feelings die down i will get back to her as friends.. now here is the surprise... she won't leave me!! she wants to see me, sends 'miss u' emails, keeps calling me, text messages me... i keep avoiding her but she is mad at me cos i am not seeing her now... women, is it wrong for a guy to back-off and take some time after such things?