pianoguy

Melissa- what an awful situation, my heart breaks for you. You need to get out of there ASAP. The best way to deal with a broken heart is to avoid person who broke it, especially in this situation you also have to deal with her loving your friend in front of you... truly horrible. I'm not sure running off and meeting someone new right away is the best idea. Maybe eventually, but I think a short grieving period might be a good idea, especially away from Mary and Summer. I hope your situation improves soon!

It depends on where you go to college. I made the mistake of going to a conservative, "Christian" school where I am almost literally the only gay person. Some schools are more open than others, ask around. As for a general rule of thumb I would say that more college students are aware of their sexuality and more confident about it than highschoolers, but again this varies from school to school.

Don't worry too much about this yet. Everything in your behavior sounds perfectly normal for any guy your age. All guys your age, straight and gay, check out other guys in the locker rooms and are fascinated by them. All guys, straight and gay, try not to look at girls. It is something you've been taught to do, that's why you're doing it. Being gay isn't so much about checking guys out so much as falling in love. I always suspected I was gay from about 14, but I didn't know for certain until I was 19 and fell in love. Also- it is possible at your age to even fall in love with guys and still be straight. This gets sorted out as you get older. My advice would be simply not to worry. You sound perfectly normal and you will find out more as you get older.

It sounds to me like you are probably straight. It sounds to me like you had feelings for that girl, and if you are gay you won't develop feelings for girls (generally). I think you are understandbly hurt and confused by her actions, and you turned to this online friend for support. I don't believe that relationships can really develop online- they can start there sure. I think you are idealizing this person that you haven't met, and projecting feelings onto him. I think "trying to be gay" is an extremely bad idea. I am gay, and let me tell you, it sucks. I recommend grieving for this girl for awhile, allowing yourself to be sad, and then looking around for another girlfriend if that's what you want. If it should turn out that you are gay, come back here and we'll help as much as we can. But I really think you are straight, I doubt you would be upset by this girl if you were gay.

I completely agree... I am 20 and really haven't ever met another gay person to be friends with, much less date. The only way I can date is through the internet which is boring and not fun or romantic at all. Fortunately I have lots of straight friends, but I get real tired of watching them date each other. I haven't ever been to the bar or the "gay scene" that you speak of, I am frankly somewhat scared of it and would like to avoid it as long as possible. I think to be gay is to be alone. It really does suck, but thank God daily for your boyfriend. Also, lean on your straight friends. Just because they aren't gay doesn't mean they can't understand the struggles you deal with. Granted, they don't have the same struggles, but they have different ones and can empathize with you. Have you found a GSA in your area? They tend to be a group of very intellectual gay and straight people with whom you can discuss these issues.

Hi Mr. E, I do understand where you're coming from... I was always a terrible conversationalist and thought I would die when I came to college. But I've found that I've been able to make many friends, not as many as my outgoing housemates, but I tend to be closer to my friends than they are. Why are you so sure she'll say no? You seem quite intelligent, and a little sad, qualites that most girls find very sexy. First dates do tend to be a little awkward. If it is the prospect of being alone with her that terrifies you, you could consider double dating. It's going out of style but it can be a lot of fun if you get the right group. The best conversationalist tip I ever received was from my Dad: "People love to talk about themselves." If you ask questions and appear interested as people answer, you can let the other person do all the talking. This works every time. Also, learn to be comfortable with silence... it isn't always bad. It can be sometime, but doesn't necessarily have to be. As for waiting to ask her out- I'm not entirely sure what you're asking. It might not be a bad idea to see if she already has a boyfriend, but other than that you may as well just go for it when the time feels right. What do you have to lose? Bear this in mind- you are looking to see if she is interested in you the person, not the show you put on. So really it doesn't necessarily matter how good of a conversationalist you are. She should be looking at the goodness in your heart, and your brain, and your eyes, and even just from reading your post I can see that goodness in you. And remember that there is always the possiblity that she won't love you, and if this happens there isn't anything you can do to change that. But it's not a fault of yours, or a shortcoming, it just happens sometime for reasons nobody knows. But it is honorable and noble to take that risk, and it sometimes leads to great rewards. Already, you have allowed your heart to open to this person.... a beautiful and wonderful thing to do. I wish you best of luck, and may she love you back!!! Keep us posted.

I'm a gay college student, I can tell you how I realized I was gay if it helps at all. But- I need to stress this- DON"T CATEGORIZE YOURSELF. You will learn about yourself if you are just patient and watchful. I realized I was gay for certain when I was 13. This is rare, but I was very mature for my age then (I passed for 21 when I was 14). But when I finally knew was when I fell in love, and this is the true test. The problem is that love is a very complex emotion and combines feelings of sexual attraction with feelings of emotional attraction, but somehow transcends both of those. It is also very difficult to describe or explain romantic love to someone who hasn't experienced it before, but I'll try briefly. When I'm around John, I am of course sexually attracted to him, I have trouble focusing and I have a great desire just to look at him and bask in his beauty. But there's more to it than sexual feeling- I also feel this desire to be close to him, as close as possible, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I am not with him I think of him constantly. Romantic love is not to be confused with lust, which is very similar (more so than most will admit). Lust often leads to love, but not necessarily, and the two are different. When I'm around Alex, I am struck by his beauty, his incredible hair, eyes, etc., but when he is gone I usually forget about him. He might pop into mind occasionally, but I'm not preoccupied with him, and I'm not driven to be around him or to be close to him. Romantic love is also not to be confused with platonic love, or the love between friends. Platonic love is incredibly beautiful, but it is not romantic love. When I'm around Robert, I'm happy, we enjoy each other's company and talk about our lives. We often act like an old married couple, and if a day goes by when I don't see him I feel sad. But I don't feel this electric, driving feeling, this incredible chemical desire to be near him. Obviously it is possible to have platonic love for either sex. I am told that straight people sometimes lust after people of the same sex and that gay people sometimes lust after people of the opposite sex, although I myself have never lusted after a girl. But straight people cannot have romantic feelings for the same sex and gay peple cannot have romantic feelings for the opposite sex. Bisexual people can have romantic feelings for either sex. I have to admit that I find bisexuality very confusing myself. I never truly fell in love until I was 19, so be patient, and watch. Follow the feelings that seem right to you, trust your instincts. It's not always a bad idea to try dating heterosexually to see if it feels right, but try not to use people. I broke a girl's heart, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. We only went out on one date. It helped confirm that I was gay, but I wish there was some othe way I could have done it. without hurting her. Things are better now, we have a deep, platonic love for each other, but do try to avoid that if possible. I wish you best of luck in life and love.

You guys are wonderful... this is helping so much already. Qtpie- no, he does not know that I am gay. I agree that he probably wouldn't have a huge problem with it. The problem is, while we were really close friends at one time, my continued hostility and bitterness over the past year has driven us apart. He is very close-minded and thinks he knows everything, so I doubt that my coming out to him would alter his views. It would be eye-opening since he has never met a gay person before. But I think that he might use me as the perfect example of how being gay is a sin and how God punishes you. After all, I have become fairly crabby the past semester when I used to be pretty cheerful and whimsical. This is something I will continue to think about. I'm also not entirely sure what it would accomplish to tell him I'm gay. I don't think it would repair our friendship, and it certainly wouldn't make him love me, which is what I really want. (I need to emphasize how straight this guy is) Sweetgirl- Thanks for the encouragement. I hope that you are right. But I feel like I'm sitting on my butt when I need to be looking, and I just don't know where to look. I mean, it seems like playing tennis is better than nothing, even if all the girls are straight or taken. Have you ever met a girl? How did it happen? Does anyone else have any happy stories about how they met their boyfriend/girlfriend ?

I am a 20 year old college student. I have known I was gay with certainty since I was 13, although I have never hugged or kissed another boy (or girl for that matter). I was homeschooled and pretty isolated throughout highschool and I never really fell in love until last year. I am mostly closeted, although I have told my incredibly amazing family and they have been extremely supportive. So... I met this guy my freshman year, we hit it off and he asked me to be his roommate sophomore year. I decided it would be okay since I didn't think he was all that cute. Well, you know the story, the more I got to know his beautiful personality the more physically attractive he became, until I was head-over-heels. To make it more fun, he is one of the straightest people I have ever met, and is extremely religious and thinks homosexuality is a sin. I should have moved out my junior year but I didn't. I have become bitter and sad, which is not like me, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. I have to look at this guy every day, see his soft brown hair and amazing green eyes, hear his voice, and I just get to watch. I want so badly just to snuggle with him, and hug him, and fall asleep in his arms... it makes me physically sick sometimes Ever since the election, when the gay marriage issued was discussed more, I have become extremely hostile to him and his friends (we now live in the same house but aren't roommates) At this point I am honestly confused as to whether I still love him. I definitely think he is very attractive and is a real sweetheart, but he also is extremely pompous and irritating at times. I feel angry that I fell in love with such an idiot. The good news is that he is graduating in May and I will be getting a new set of housemates. Also, I am out to my family and six or so of my closest friends and have had many opportunities for venting. Having this crush has not prevented me from falling in love with other guys, however. In the past year alone I have fallen deeply in love twice and developed severe crushes two other times. All four guys were straight. I feel like I am burning up. The school I go to is Christian and has a negative attitude towards gay people, although not nearly as bad as many other schools in the area. Furthermore, the area of the country I live in is extremely conservative and religious. I honestly feel like I am the only gay person in the whole world. My brain tells me that's stupid, but I look around and all I see are straight people. I went to the GSA meeting at our school, there were 7 girls and one guy, and I was that guy. I've tried internet dating but I find it boring, frustrating, and uninteresting. I suppose I could go to the bar in the next town, but I'm not really a bar type person, I don't party all that much. I like to have fun, but I'm not much into drinking or stuff, I like movies and walking with folks and talking. And I feel like bars are mainly for people who are looking for one-night-stands. Last year one of my best female friends fell in love with me. I came out to her, but it broke her heart. We still have a somewhat awkward relationship, I feel like I have to tread lightly so I don't encourage her to love me. I feel myself welling up with bitterness and sadness. I suppose I really need to find a boyfriend, but I just don't know how to go about it and clearly I have no gaydar whatsoever. I guess what I need to know is: How the heck do gay people date? Where are all these people I keep hearing about? Also: I feel that John (my roommate crush) and I are going to part on very bad terms, and I don't really want that to happen. He meant so much to me at one time. I will be relieved when he is gone and I'm not tormented by him daily, but I probably will miss him. Should I try to find some way to reconcile, or should I just be glad that he is going to be out of my life? Any other advice on how to be gay, thoughts, insight, will be greatly appreciated.