shoong

hi, I'll give you a bot of background, I'm 29 yrs old from the UK. At this point in my life my group of buddies are all getting engaged, married etc. They all have stable relationships or are successful with women. I'm not. All my life up until this point I've tried to be the best person I can. I try to be cheerful, considerate & friendly. I've no physical defects & try to treat others as I would have them treat me. Two friends of mine are biggoted, selfish & have no quibbles about treating women badly, hurting their feelings, having affairs with much glee & not calling them back again. Yet the women are all over them. I don't understand. Why is it that no-one finds any good qualities in me yet those who treat women poorly have constant female attention? First of all I put this down to age, but I'm 29 now & the women of a similar age still seem attracted to these guys. I have failed. Part of me says that I should have been more like my flippant friends. Treat women like dirt & they come a flocking. Even when they tell each other that the blokes a no good so & so, they will still actively pursue them. Why have I wasted my teen years & 20's trying to be a decent man when that's obviously not what women are after? Why am I alone? I don't come accross as desperate & I just try to be myself. So why doesn't anybody like me? It would seem that women are attracted to what you have rather than what you can give. I've heard it time & time again, 'just be yourself & it will happen for you'. Absolute rubbish. I've tried to treat women as equals through out my adult life. But that's not what they want is it? Have I come accross as soft because I've done this? There's the also the other problem: if you're into your 30's & single you are quickly forgotten about by your hooked up friends as a singleton doesn't fit in with parties etc. And, there seems to be an attitude around if that you have not sorted something concrete by then, you are some kind of weirdo. If a young lad was to ask me on how he thinks the best way to treat women is I think I'd have to say: Lie, cheat, be inconsiderate & make sure you don't answer their calls. Don't attempt to come accross as a nice guy whatsoever: they'll just see you as soft & not a man. Why am I alone? shoong

as always, thanks for the advice. I don't plan to drink as it seems to cancel out wood. Maybe some wine though

She says she HAS SOME but are there any dangers to be wary of? how long does it take to kick in? I think docs is out of the question, im in the UK & its difficult to get a docs appointment in 2 weeks let alone get any drugs. thanks for the replies y'all.

hi all, lets get this over with first - i'm a 28 yr old man & I've never had sex with a woman. Imagine my surprise then when I got friendly with a lovely girl on Friday night & we ended up goin back to hers - so far so good. I wanted to prolong foreplay as much as I could because I enjoy it. I was able to get semi hard but not enough & a few foolish attempts to penetrate. We put this down to the alcohol I had consumed & used my fingers on her which she loved. I visit her the next day & bless her, she jumps me as soon as we get in from a meal. Same again - despite oral & everything else I can't get past the 'semi' phase. I'd had nothing to drink & was completely sober. I was embarrased. Sunday morning, wake up together, same again. What the hell is wrong with me? I should be desperate to get wood & have full sex, why couldn't I do it? I like her, she likes me & I didn't even get morning wood on Sunday morn. Also, when I got home I tried to masterbate but , yep, same again. Luckily she was very understanding & said she had a good time but I want to be able to go the whole hog. Am I impotent? Has this happened before I get a chance to 'use it'. Has anybody else had a similar experience & do you have any advice? I thought it may be because I was nervous, but I didn't feel nervous. Help! shoong

You're only 18! Is he of a similar age? Boys of this age often find it difficult to convey their feelings. It may come sooner than you think. Just give it a little time. Tip: Don't rush him or you may scare him off. In my experiece (&from my own) , at 18 they find it easier to convey their feeling to their friends. Don't take it too personally. Many people say the 'L' word & don't mean it, would you prefer that? If you get along & are having a good time just enjoy it! Words can be cheap. good luck anyhow.

... but I'm afraid you come accross as very shallow & superficial. There is no excuse for being chaep but you sound l;ike you just enjoy free rides, this is the 21st century my dear! good luck!

I'm love with someone but she doesn't feel the same way. She has no moved to another county. We occasionally stay in touch but she has indicated to me that she has found a boyfriend. My question is: 1) Stay in touch hoping thaht one day we will come together or 2) If I tell her that we should not have anymore contact, will it help take the pain away..?

The thought of her being withsome else, sleeping with him etc makes me MURDEROUSLY ANGRY.

shae HAS moved away - we've been in touch for 2 years, she lives in Cornwall, UK. I live in Winchester, UK. It's about 200 miles away.

antzca2000, thanks for your words of advice but the letter does state: 'm sorry I'm not very good looking. Unfortunately I was born like this. I was trying to convey that I am not good looking & that she will always meet better looking men. shoong

I have typed up this letter to a girl today, I believe it speaks for itself... 2 questions: 1) Am I doing the right thing 2) What reaction might I get? Thanks. This note to you maybe completely irrelevant by now. I may have already told you. If I did, I can assure you that it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I've never had to explain my feelings to anyone before, I've never had to. Because I've never felt like this before about anyone before. Have you ever been so in love with someone it hurts? Maybe you have, but the chances are you have been able to be with them. I can't see how any man would turn you down. To me you are kind, generous & caring. You are also the most beautiful women I have ever seen. I have had to watch from afar as you have a relationship with a good friend of mine for 4 years. I also then had to watch you move far away after that came to an end. You'll always love him though won't you? I find it hard to believe he could have ever loved you as much as I do. I cannot imagine loving anyone else on the planet as long as you exist in my life. This is why I have had to make a very hard decision. I think that we should not keep in contact anymore. I'm sorry I'm not very good looking. Unfortunately I was born like this. I'm sorry I'm not tall. It's in your nature to find taller men more attractive. Being 5'8 does not endear you to me I guess. I'm sorry I'm not loaded. I'm not saying your current boyfriend is, but I'm sure he has more wealth than I & will earn more in the future. You deserve someone who can provide for you, I think I could but by not the same volume. You have seen the bad side of me, but I also feel that you bring out the best in me. I would dearly love to dedicate everything I am to you, forever. I would gladly do it. It might sound a bit sad but I guess what I'm really trying to do is apologise for not being a better man. Perhaps if I were, then you might find it within yourself to give me a chance. I try really hard to be a good man, I set my standards to those which I think you would approve of. However, I am still alone, I don't have you & I still hurt to the point of physical pain when I think about you. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being my friend. I realise it cannot have always been easy as I can act, & have in the past, like a bloody idiot. Maybe I will always be alone. I don't want that. This is a long shot but I've thought about it a lot. Perhaps if we abstain from keeping in contact I can get over this. I can't see myself ever forgetting you, but the pain might subside I may be lucky enough to meet someone who will let me be part of their life. I know now that I won't be a part of yours, I don't blame you. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to get accross, although words will always be inadequate really, especially when it comes to my feelings for you. I genuinely wish you all the best for the future. You deserve a man who will love you, take care of you & make you feel wanted. I'm sorry that man is not me. Forever,

Boxcar1134, thanks for the reply. I'm glad you had a nice time but I'm not really interested about your Val Day to be honest. The day is supposed to be about love but it isn't anymore I'm afraid, it's about selling stuff. But then you're only 18 (thanks for reminding what I didn't get the chance to on Val Day by the way) & one day when you're older & more experienced you'll see what I do. Oh to be young & naive again! shoong

Yep, gotta go with pchellak on this one. It's the world we live in. Does Valentine's Day represent all that is shallow & materealistic western world we live in? Do you think if people actually sat down & thought about it they would care so much? It seems to me most men would not be offended at not receiving a gift but most women would take it as 'your dumped'..?

I freely admint to being 26 yrs old & never having a date!

akatoro, I prob get a ticking off for this but your statement: 'Perhaps You need to get past the belief that relationships are started through physical attraction.' and 'Relationships aren't always started by physical attraction.' is utter twaddle. Prehaps that helmet of your is blocking 'reality rays'. I don't like it but that's the way it is. Image & how you look means everything nowadays. Would people buy, let's say, Beyonces music if she was ugly? Of course not. Chicks can find a perfect match but won't go out with them if they are not considered good looking. They would not do it becuase they will be chastised by their friends & it's just 'cool'. Sorry! ShoonG

I've never had anyone to share Valentine's day with but if I did I wouldn't just do it once a year! At least once a week. It's odd that people go gooey & soppy for this one day. Let's be realistic here, realtionships are started through physical attraction & mostly perpetuated by that. I am no better looking on the 14th Feb. I just wish people would wake up to being mugged. bitterley, ShoonG

I believe that Valentine's Day should not be celebrated. As with Xmas etc it is a cynical marketing excercise. It makes people like myself who are long term single feel bad that they do not have a partner. I wonder, have you checked out the prices from flower sellers etc? Funny how the prices go up to as much as 25% in the week leading up to doesn't it? Why do people fall for this rubbish? Why do you need a special day of the year to do these things? Can't you do it all year 'round? As usual I will be drinking like a whale on the 14th Feb & trying to ruin as many 'happy' couples BS Valentine's Day as possible, your bitter, ShoonG

I can't think of anything else. I've been in love with a girl for a couple of years now, as far as she's concerned were friends, she used to go out with a good friend of mine for a few years. Recently she's gone to visit family at the other end of the country but I cannot help thinking about her. I love her so much & want to dedicate my life to her but she just doesn't see it. Thinking about her is disrupting my work & my life outside of it as nothing else matters. It also drives me nuts to think that she maybe with another man & that means I am not worthy enough to be with her. She'll be back in December but I can't deal with it if she comes to visit me or I see her & she's with someone else, I don't think it's jealousy it just makes me feel unworthy. What am I to do? Confess? Or just bust my heart everyday over it? Before anyone says 'go find other girls' I've tried that but can't bring myself to do anything because none of them compare to her. It's her or nobody.

hi, any advice? I've shared a house with a long time friend now for just over a year but we've been friends for many more. I've always known that we are different in many ways but it's not that which is bothering me, it's his behaviour which is getting stranger by the week. Has anyone else had this before or can advise? 1) He's meticulous about routine. We take it in turns to cook for the both of us each night. However, if I'm out with other friends having a good time I can guarantee my cellular will ring & he will be on the other end of the line asking me what time I will be home for dinner. If I say 'I'm back soon anyway' this seems to upset him & he grudgingly accepts that or if I say 'no sorry I won't be' he'll cut the call of immeadiately & won't speak to me for approx. 2 days afterwards. Why do that? We are both 25 years old, he can fend for himself. The last person who did that to me was my mother! 2) He has constant mood swings which he makes sure everyone else knows about. It's terrible trying to watch TV or something similar with such an icy atmosphere. 3) If I go out anywhere with friends to maybe the sports center or anywhere this seems to irritate him also, even if it's somewhere I know he does not want to go. Th is causes him to go into a elongated sulk. 4) He critises nearly everything I do & seems to want to disagree with me for the sake of it, to the point where he seems condasending. All he seems to want to do is sit in front of the TV & smoke pot. I like doing that sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to waste my evenings! Why does he feel that I must do the same? Another of my friends commented the other night that he is just like an over-bearing wife which I was annoyed with at first because I thought he was implicating I was gay with out foundation. But when I think about it that is how he comes over. Could it be that he is gay & wants me to stick around because of god knows what..? I'm not a confrontational person by nature really & he's a very sensitive person but he's making a dark cloud over my head everyday. What I really want to do is break this circle & say something but I get the feeling that no matter how diplomatic I am I know it will severly hurts his feeling & he'll go into one of his extended sulks. Do I need to be more assertive & lay down rules? I just want to go out & do things without the thought in the back of my mind that I'm going to come home to a miserable atmosphere but I don't want to fall out with him. Any suggestions would be appreciated? Shoong.

After trying & failing more times than I can remember I've decided that it is a waste of time & my efforts trying to establish a relationship with anyone. I'm 26 years old & too my knowledge no-one has ever been sweet on me. I've never been asked out & when I have asked anyone out I have always been politely & impolitely refused. I've never had a girlfriend & I am a virgin. I have come to the conclusion that there must be something very wrong with me. Perhaps it is because I do not have a lot to offer. I have my own apartment but I do not drive. I have a low paid job for someone of my age & cannot afford flash clothes, haircuts etc. I am short (5 feet 8 inches) & must be rather ugly. I maintain a relatively healthy lifestyle but I have come to realise that this counts for squat. I am sick & tired of trying to obtain something that is not going to happen. I am a kind & considerate person who would do anything for anybody but this apparently counts for nothing as well. Why do the nice guys always miss out? I have few friends nowadays & they all have girlfriends. They mostly treat them like dirt but are in stable relationships & still receive offers. I do not. I don't bother going out anymore to clubs, bars etc because I became sick of watching my friends & other people hook up with girls whereas I was ignored, so if anyone is kind enough to post a reply to this post please don't give me any of that 'you should socialise more' etc rubbish. I am not shy. What I really want to do is rid myself of the desire for women & the desire to establish anything to do with a woman so my feelings are no longer hurt, it has made me mentally & emotionally exhausted. Any advice on how to do this would be appreciated. shoong

Thank u toolgirl150, u make good sense. Of course the next problem is how my friend will react... ugh, why are these things never simple!? Anyway, thanks again. shoong

I hope someone can help me out or give sound advice because I'm just about at my wits end... I've been in love with a girl for 5 years. Problem was, she was with my best friend. As you can imagine this was very hard but I always managed to keep it a bit of a secret, although it did ruin my self-confidence & I used to try & drown the pain with alcohol but I've managed to clean myself up since. A couple of months ago they split up. I felt sorry for both of them because I don't like to see my friends unhappy. So I thought I might leave the situation alone & then maybe ask her out. Remember, we've been good friends for 5 years or so. Her ex & my best friend today informed me that she told him that she has been seeing someone. I have never felt so crushed in all my life & it was an absolute struggle not to burst into tears when he told me. What can I do? I love her so much & want to try my best to make her happy. As I see it there are options. 1) Carry on regardless while carrying the torch which causes me much pain. 2) Tell her how I feel & risk losing her forever. 3) Telling her that I can't be her friend anymore. It hurts too much to see her & not be with her & hurts too much to see her with other men. That would be a shame but it might be best for both parties. Please please help if you can! A very sad, confused & alone Shoong.

I'm a man of 5 feet 8 inches & I feel that women are unable to take shorter men seriously & certainly don't consider them boyfriend material? Is it a sign of the times, tastes in height influnced by the media etc? Or is it more a natural instinct? I'd like to know your opinion, espeacially from the ladies. Shoong

Any advice out there? I've always been quite deeply wrapped up i my friend's girlfriend, they were together for 4 years. This used to cause a great deal of secret suffering & grief. We've always been friends & have try to hook up for lunch at least once a week. Recently she has split from my friend & he has been less than nice about it. Getting to the point, I really want to be with her & I think maybe deep down she would like to as well. Am I being a 'vulture'? Is it too early to ask her out? I don't want to wait too long in case she hooks up with someone while I'm 'waiting for the right time'. Has anyone else been through this? Was there a happy ending?