Jetta

I never lusted after my husband. I thought he was nice but unattractive. My friend told me she was trying to set him up with another friend. I was trying to hook them up, but after a couple beers I was very chatty and I guess more appealing. He ended up calling me and asking me out a week later. He got my number from the friend. He made no impression on me, I had no idea who was calling and really wasn't interested. But, my mom said give him a chance, my friend said he such a nice guy, blah blah blah. We went on a double date, and after a few drinks my friend talked me into kissing him (she worked hard on it and for some reason I caved). He was a virgin and never dated anyone before me, I later found out. I got into a relationship I never wanted to be in and tried repeatedly to get out of. The problem was I was always listening to the others telling me how good he was for me, how much he loved me, etc... Now I'm unhappyily married to man that really bugs me in a lot of ways, but is really good in other ways and feel guilty for creating this mess in the first place. ** Sidenote: I was separated from my abusive/cheating huband about 8-10 months before meeting my current husband. I figured they all knew something about men I obviously didn't, and trusted them over myself. It was wrong wrong wrong, and now I don't know if I can make this work (mainly for the child we share) or just move on.

I mentioned marriage counseling thing to him. He thinks that's a waste. I should go but he doesn't need to. I've recently realized a lot of things about our marriage. One being I married for the wrong reasons (security not love), see the irony? The other is we don't relate, connect, etc. He ignores me most of the time. Basically what's keeping me here is our 2 1/2 year old. We've been married for 4 years. I'm not sure what else you would need to know tinkerbell.

So my husband thinks my interest in this other guy is a "thrill of the chase" kind of thing. Well maybe he thinks that to make himself feel better. Honestly I don't know what to think. I know that I'm unhappily married and have been thinking about a divorce for a while, however I can't bring myself to do it. I have way too much stress going on in my life and am also wondering if I'm experiencing a midlife crisis at 30. Dad's health deteriotating, son issues, etc... Oddly 30 has hit me like a mack truck. I feel like I went from 27 to 30 and I'm still in shock. Now all this other stuff is happening and a 25 year old guy who smokes has caught my attention. I'm a non-smoker. I mean he's so wrong for me in so many ways, yet I'm drawn to him in a way I've never felt drawn to a guy before. I've been trying to contain myself, but it's hard. I'm glowing. People are giving me free stuff, staring at me in a positive way (no idea why), etc.! That hasn't happened since I was a teen! I'm just in a state of bliss even thinking about him. My husband is 29, but 25 just seems so young to me (my little brother is 27). Of course the only person who hates this change is my husband, and rightfully so I guess. Part of me thinks this is all in my head, but I know the other guy is interested, he's just standoffish because I am married. He's a bartender. I know, but one reason I married my husband was because he had a descent job. Look where that got me? The bartender mixes my drinks strong, and I know it's because I become super chatty and happy when I'm drunk. That and he told me he mixed it strong. LOL Of course now I'm starting to think he's losing interest, but it could just be because I've been trying to avoid him. Anyway this has rattled on long enough. Do you think I going through a midlife crisis or what?

Ticklebug, I didn't immediately fall into his arms. I was separated for 8 or so months with no interest in men (I hated them after the experience with my ex). I had a few guys calling before him, but blew them off as soon as I could. I told my current husband I didn't want a relationship when I first met him. My best friend pushed us together. She knew him for years and had given him my phone number. She figured he'd be a good guy to balance out the ex (virtual opposite). There is a lot more going on than a post or two can convey. I hadn't filed for divorce because I didn't have the money (money from an auto accident came and then I filed). I was living with my parents. I couldn't afford rent on my own (with daycare expenses, other bills my ex put in my name, and general living expenses). Working poor was my classification (too much money for aid but not enough to survive on my own with a child). I eventually moved in to a place with my brother, a friend, and him (separate rooms). Then he and I moved into an apartment with my son. There are positives from being married to him. Our daughter, the fact I no longer hate men (because he is generally a descent guy despite his problems). But there are a lot of issues and knowing I never loved him really has me wondering if it's worth all this struggle. I know everyone struggles but I believe love would make it a little more tollerable. But who knows maybe love is just a farce. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kyoshiro Ogari, As for the other guy, well I don't really think we'd be together long term. He smokes, I don't. Sure people quit (both my parents did, dad smoked unflitered) but I can't rely on that. I just couldn't have a house that smells of smoke (allergic). So just for that reason I doubt we'd survive. Honestly I want to know him as a person not sleep with him.

Well I posted elsewhere about it, but... We've been together about 7 years. I met him while separated from my 1st husband (who cheated and abused me). I have a son from that marriage (now 9, wasn't planned). My husband met me while separated for 8 months, hadn't yet filed. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, but I was his first girlfriend so he was excited I guess. We dated (sort of). I did decide I wasn't in love with him and broke up, but since we were living in the same apartment, along with my brother and a friend (because I couldn't afford rent on my own). The friend talked me into getting back together with him for various reasons. One being he's a nice guy who really loves me. Eventually we moved out of the group living arrangement and got an apartment together. Basically it was a marriage of convience and not love. I made a mistake. However I choose to bring another child into the relationship because he was the kind of guy I could be married to for life, I thought. However the zest for life isn't there, and I miss it. Until I met this other guy I didn't realize how dead I felt. And a lot of these blocked memories are coming up now (like I forgot I broke up with him once, and that he proposed to me 3 times before I said yes). I just really don't know if I can somehow make things work with him, or if this encounter was meant to show me what I'm missing. *I know I sound like a horrible person, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

They other guy I met about two months ago. The problem is I never had feelings for my husband. I broke up with him only for my friends and family to pressure me back into a relationship with him because he's a "nice guy who really loves me". Logically he's a better pick (and we have a child together now), but my feelings are with this other guy.

I've met a guy that has me feeling things I have never before felt. I think he may be a soulmate but the problem is I'm married. Now when my husband and I have sex, I feel like I'm cheating on the other guy. Maybe because that's where my emotions are, but I just don't quite understand why I feel that way. Nothing has happened physically with this other guy, but with him I feel emotions I have never felt with my husband. I know this sounds crazy, but if I could control my feelings I would.

Yeah I've heard of that song. I'll go look up the lyrics.

Hailey I appreciate your response. Sucks about the "relative" thing though. I really need more. I don't even really know what I just know he doesn't have it, and I'm not sure if it can be developed or if I need to cut my loss and go. I am in individual therapy, and am learning how to communicate better, not always perfect but I am better than I was. I did have a talk with him last night. I'm not ready to leave yet, but he's worried about it.

I did mention that I thought we should go see a marriage counselor. He didn't think that was necessary. And no I haven't told him I don't love him, and I have remained faithful. But when he tells me he loves me I don't usually respond because I just don't feel it. As far as developing a relationship. I told him we needed to date again, and stuff like that. It's just when we do we don't even connect. He at least agreed he didn't feel connected either yet doesn't want to go to a marriage counselor. When we married I did lie, and that was a mistake. I thought the friendship type love I had for him could grow and develop into more than it was. When he met me I was geting out of an abusive relationship. It was an emotional time, and he seemed like a nice guy. I told him I needed space, I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship, I told him no twice when he propsed. My friends all told me how wonderful he was and how much he loved me. I figured they knew more than I did and said yes.

That's just it, I broke up with him while dating because I wasn't in love with him. A friend recently reminded me of that. The child was a mutual decision.

I'm wondering if you are with a person you never really were "in love" with, can you develop a love for them? If so, how? My husband loves me, he says, but I don't love him. After much contemplation I've realized I never was in love with him, but somehow we ended up together (he's persistent). Anyway is there a way to make myself love him? Since being married I have met 2 men I have had strong feelings for (it was mutual). Feelings I have never had with my husband. I've always remained faithful but now I'm really doubting my ability stick this out for life. If I could learn to love him, or feel something beside a friendship/caring type feeling I would love to know to do that because we have a child together. I am strongly considering divorce, but before doing so I would like to know if there is a way to salvage this relationship. Thanks

Yeah I'll have to ask. I get the feeling he's looking for more; but I'm just not sure if the more would last very long, seeing as how he has thing for guys. Thanks for your help.

So this guy is bisexual with a preferance I'm told towards men. So what is his intent? A fling for kicks, or a potentional relationship? I mean he's the first bi person I've ever met. So it's all really confusing for me. How do you go about asking that kind of question.

liljon that is really tramatic, and I'm so sorry it turned out this way for you and your former wife. I will tell you that there are numerous women your age who would love a caring man like yourself in their life. You won't be alone forever, but in the meantime I really think getting out and doing something you enjoy would really be beneficial. Rediscover some long forgotten hobbies, or find new ones. It's a shame you couldn't talk her out of whatever meds started her on this rampage before it was too late. But living in the past never helped anyone, working towards a better tomorrow is all we can do.

What about those of us who have talked, and nothing comes of it? Then what? I even worded it as in I need or I would like... One example was I would like us date again. I later asked him to accompany me to karoke night (something I enjoy doing) and he said no. I asked him to take us out to dinner on Sunday and again I got a no.

Very well done. I can see a most of my marital problems on there.

I know you're right, that only he knows what he's thinking. He's brought his friends around to indirectly check me out. I know he talks about me because the entire place has changed since I started going (more people, all smiles from his co-workers, etc.). He's always watching me and doing things to see my reaction (flirting with girls that for one reason or another intimidate me). He's even arranged it so I had to come to him to get another drink. Just tons of little stuff. I went over to talk to him once when he was off duty and he wasn't too responsive, he talked but didn't at the same time. So I'm getting mixed messages, and I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I'm thinking of distancing myself so I can get my head on straight anyway.

I have a major attraction to this guy and found out he's bisexual. Originally I was told he was gay but later that same night was told he's really bisexual that he has a child. He's flirted with me (pretty majorly by my standards), but I just don't know what he's looking for (a fling to assure himself of his gay status or something more serious). He's also been rather distant at the same time. Granted I'm married, but he overheard that I'm seriously considering a divorce, which is true. In all honesty I'm not a fling type of person. I was just going out to sing karoke for a break from my life stressors, he's a bartender there. Meeting and being totally attracted a guy wasn't my plan, even though I did flirt. My feelings are unlike anything I've ever had. So I really need some perspective. When I arrived one night he came up put his arm around my shoulder and said something about "Hi. Good to see you again." He does that a lot, I've since found. However he later came up and kissed my hand after I sung. He's also bought me a drink (took it off my tab) and there's other things. So I know he's flirting, I just don't know what his intentions are. Can anyone advise? Thanks