Que

I am talking to this woman who I'm really interested in. She's interested in me as well but we live so far from each other, we can't really see each other and be a real couple. We talk on the phone for hours and hours just about every night. Anyways, she knows I have feelings for her but she might think I think she's not that pretty. Why? Because when she recently asked the question, "What type of women do you like?" and I answered "Looks aren't important." It was boneheaded because this woman is GORGEOUS. She might think for some reason now, I don't like her looks. We've known each other for 4 years now but we've been talking to each other for 4 months. We told one another that we liked each other for years and that got us talking in the first place. Now, she might think I NEVER liked her looks and thought she was just "alright" from the get go. But I always thought she was hot. When she kept asking me what I meant by "Looks aren't important.", I was confused, didn't know what to say and as I tried explaining it to her, I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. (D'oh!) LOOKS ARE IMPORTANT!!! For some reason, I didn't want to say that they were. (?) I was afraid she might've thought I was shallow. I don't know what the hell I was saying. How can I salvage this? Because I said what I said, I hope she's not relegating me to the "friends" list. Because as we all now, friends... well... they go off the air!

I know that wasn't directed at me Scout but those words "I would be highly insulted." made my stomach hurt. Why do you think if a guy says "Looks aren't important and that's not why I love you.", it means that he DOESN'T like your looks? It is NOT saying that. It means that even though you are pretty, its not why he loves you. He loves you but not necessarily for your looks. What is WRONG with a guy saying that? If a guy said, "Looks ARE important to me, but that's not why I love you?" would that make a difference? If a guy said, "I love your looks but that's not why I love you.", would that make a difference? What IS love? Scout, I know you didn't mean ANY harm by that...but that statement just did something to me. If that is what relationships are about, maybe I am confused on what true love is... The worst feeling in the world is if your love for a person is genuine and comes from the bottom of your heart but they feel insulted by it. Now, I'm a little afraid to get into a relationship because a woman being insulted by my love, my love... would cut me deeply. I don't ever want to go through that.[/i]

Thanks scout and asdf! As you probably see, I have a lot of learning to do. I guess such honest inner dialogue such as, "Such and such is prettier than you. But I choose you anyway." shouldn't come out of my mouth. Neither should the words, "You look great but that's not what really attracts me to you." I would never tell a woman those things, but that's honestly how I feel on the inside. I think it's just fine to think that a woman doesn't have to have everything but what she does have I appreciate and I like. I don't understand why women think a guy feeling this way about her has her leaning more on the "ugly" side. But to them, it just might be brutal honesty. And who wants to hear brutal honesty?

Last night, I was talking to a female friend and she gave me some real insights into relationships and women. I'd like some advice from here. I'm confused and need some straightening up. This thing has been on my mind all day. I was telling my female friend when it comes to my taste in women, looks aren't really that important. The most important thing is her personality. What attracts me to a woman is a nice personality and a nice general disposition. I don't really have a preference for looks because I like all types of women, from the average ones to the great looking ones. I just have to be comfortable with a woman's looks. I don't have to be "wowed", just comfortable. If I am "wowed", hey, great. But if I am just "ok" with looks, but she has a great personality, it's no big deal. I'm happy. But she told me that women don't want a guy who is just "comfortable" or "ok" with their looks. They want a guy who thinks they're beautiful and is impressed with their looks. So I asked myself: When it comes to being attracted to a woman, do I HAVE to be attracted to her looks? Its tough to answer but I was leaning towards no. If I have a crush on a woman, it doesn't have to be because I think she looks stellar. That's NOT saying she's ugly either. I might think she looks stellar, OF COURSE, but if I think she doesn't look stellar, it's not saying anything bad about her. I like people who don't look stellar, who aren't as gorgeous as supermodels. A woman can be pretty without being stellar. A woman can look good without being stellar. I made the mistake of telling my female friend (who I have a bit of a crush on) something like that. Women want a guy to like them because the guy thinks they look GREAT. I'm just confused about everything. Is there something wrong with me? From talking to my friend, it makes it seem like I'm not attracted to what women want a guy to be attracted to. Am I missing the big picture? What am I really looking for in a relationship?

Hi. My name is Que. I am 20 and I live with my parents. The problem is with my mother. She is a very defensive minded person. For instance, if she does the dishes, afterwards, NO ONE can put a single dish into the sink, not even a fork or she'll snap. Someone PLEASE answer this question: Does that many ANY sense whatsoever? She gets very angry about things like that. She is easily agitated and I hate it. She is also an insensitive person. If I tell her that she said something that upset or hurt my feelings, she says to me simply, "If you don't like it, get out!" Once, she called me an idiot and I didn't like it. So I POLITELY told her that she had hurt my feelings. And what does she say in response to me? She says, "Ohhhh, you a punk!"and she keeps repeating it over and over again as the tears roll down my face. I broke out in tears because I couldn't believe that my very own mother, someone who I thought I could talk to like an adult was talking to me like I was some bum on the streets. She had no concern over how I felt. Recently, I was a little frustrated because she had asked me to wash dishes as soon as I woke up. But I didn't say anything to her. I washed the dishes as she said. Then, I quietly walked out the door to take a moment to think about things because I was a little frustrated that she didn't show me any consideration, by forcing me to do the dishes as soon as I got up. If I wouldn't have washed the dishes right then and there, she would've kicked me out, right then and there, by the way. So after I did the dishes, I went outside because I didn't want to say anything bad to her or voice my frustration or argue with her. So I went outside for a bit and then came back inside. She asks me if I have a problem. I POLITELY told her in a calm voice, that I was just a little frustrated that I had to do the dishes as soon as I woke up. Then she tells me that if I got a problem with it, to GET OUT! I wasn't even angry at her. I was just frustrated at the situation. I just woke up and I'm forced to do dishes... She takes it personally, although I POLITELY explained to her that I wasn't frustrated at HER. In order to alleviate the tension, I tell her that I'm sorry and she doesn't even accept my apology. Here I am, speaking politely and trying to promote the peace between us, and here she is stepping on my toes yet again, yelling, just to put her foot down as she says yet again, "If you got a problem, GET OUT!" She is such a defensive person. What can I do? Nothing seems to work. Whenever I try to talk to her about how I feel, her response is always, "If you don't like it, GET OUT!" She is so defensive and fiesty. She cannot speak to me, an adult, like an adult or even speak to me like a son. She never cares what the problem is. She just has to let you know if you have a problem, to get out. She doesn't have any concern about how I feel or how to mend a problem between the both of us. Instead, she has to always "let me know" something and that something is, "If I don't like it, GET OUT!" No warmth. No concern. Nothing. If I'm not in a good mood around her, and it is has NOTHING to do with her, she tells me to lose the attitude. No type of concern over what I'm really bothered about. I'm fed up with her. This has been going on all my life, since I was 10 or 11 or so. She has always spoken to me like I'm a person on the street; defensively and threatening to kick me out. Yes, at 10 and 11 years old. And she wonders why I don't speak to her often. I talk to my father about my mother and he just plays the middle, not willing to pick sides. Often, he gives advice while watching Tv and it has nothing to do with the situation. He's out of touch. In about 6 months though, I am in fact going to move out. And when I do move out, I may in fact NEVER speak to my birthmother again. It's pretty sad to say that you don't want a relationship with your own mother but she gives me no choice. I can't think of a single reason why I would need her in my life. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Also, I need some other advice. My friend told me that she has had a crush on me for years, about a month or two ago. Ever since she told me that, I think I've let it go to my head. I think my "cool" or whatever she liked about me is going the way of the dodo because I've said some dumb things or just had bad timing. She said that she doesn't want a relationship now but I find myself saying and doing things like we ARE seeing each other. We talk to each other just about every day for hours and hours. I flirt. We ask how each others days went, etc. I use this soft dumb tone when I talk to her sometimes. I know she doesn't want a relationship now, so I gotta get it together or else our friendship will go south. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm forcing myself on her. I told her some things though, like how she is my best friend, I'll buy her this and that, be there for her, I'm very fond of her, etc. I also told her that I want to send her a studio portrait of myself. Everything I said came from the heart and is true but still, is it too much? I hope I'm not overwhelming her or coming off as a pansy. We like each other but we're just FRIENDS for now. Anyone have any advice for that?

Thanks computer guy and abcd! And ecd! 8) That sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll let her know. Maybe I'll just be smarter about what I tell her. She's a little immature sometimes (and she's older than me) but I can look past that. I am too. Its nothing. We're friends. I'm very forgiving and easygoing. Last night, I told her that I think about her sometimes. Is that a good thing or a bad thing to tell a woman who you aren't currently involved with? That might give her the impression that she has control over me and that can manipulate me. After I told her, she said she was flattered. Did I goof up? Can someone give me a couple of pointers about being so honest?

I think you just might be right. She might be blatantly taking advantage of my openess towards her. I'm not angry at her though. It's my fault. The thing is that she plays around a bit. She'll tell me something about her and then I'll tell her something about myself and she'll say, "You know, I was just playing around right?" and I feel stupid and played. So I end up telling her something about myself that she isn't willing to tell me or be honest to me about something about her. Here is an example: Her I'm thinking about getting my belly button pierced. Me Really? Her Yeah, really. Me Nah. You're just kidding around. Her No, I'm serious. What do you think? Me Sounds cool. Her You like belly button rings? Me I think they're nice. It depends. Her What types do you like? Me I like a barbell. Those look cute. Her I was just playing around. Belly button rings are distgusting. You actually like those things? Me Uhh... (confused) Her Hehe. Sucker... ^ And that is how it is. She does that ALL the time. It might be a belly ring, it might be this, it might be that. I don't know why. Is she testing me or something? I don't think that is very nice to totally lead someone on like that and ask their opinion and then play them out and say that you were just playing around. That's lying to a person. It's deceit. I don't appreciate that. Like, if she says that she's thinking about getting a belly button ring or anything, what am I supposed to say? If she's serious, I don't want to say, "Yeah ok. Whatever." and just make her feel like crap. I can't read her. I even ask her all the time, "Are you serious? You're not just playing around with me are you?" and she'll say that she's serious. If I ask her if she's serious and she says that she is, I want to believe she's telling the truth. But then she ends up saying, "I'm just playing." That's lying. I don't know if she's joking or not a lot of times so my best bet is to just be honest and tell her what I think. But when I tell her what I think, she makes me out to be a gulliable idiot for believing her. I know for a FACT that she wouldn't like a guy doing that to her. Now, I am starting to see what type of person she is or what bad habits she has. We're still going to be friends still but what type of person does this sound like to you?

Last night, I was talking to my friend and we both have feelings for each other. She asked me some rather personal questions and like an idiot I told her some rather personal things. I almost told her my social security number but I had to stop for a minute to realize what I was doing and what was happening to me. I realized that my friend can easily manipulate me because I am very much interested in her. She told me some other things about herself and I believed her. Then she says to me, "You know, I was just playing around." and I feel like a fool because I REALLY believed her. I am a gulliable sap. I think she's starting to see that too. I really trust her but I am getting a little leery because she can easily get me to believe her on just about anything. That can't be too good. I'm not saying that she is a big fat liar or anything and I'd like to think she is telling the truth most of the time. But when she tells me she's not telling the truth, I feel suckered and weak. I don't want her to feel as if she has control over me, but slowly that IS what it's turning into. Any advice?

^ I totally agree with that. You could be kicking yourself all over if you miss your chance.

Right now, I'm talking to this girl, a friend of mine I've known for years. She used to be a tomboy back in high school and that's one of the reasons I was attracted to her, honestly, besides her looks and her personality and so forth. She doesn't dress like a tomboy as much these days but I would like it if she did. If she surprised me one day and dressed up as a guy, I'd have an ear to ear smile plastered on my face and I'd feel pretty tingly inside. What does this say about me? Does anyone think that because I liked this girl as a tomboy, it says that I like guys or would want love from a man? I hope it doesn't really.

^ Those are some great ideas. But the woman is miles away out of state. So I'll have to mail her something. I can't mail roses. Or can I... hmmm. A puppy would really make her smile but I can't mail a dog through the mail. Can I?

^ Agreed. I know how he's feeling. He's probably had feelings for you for years.

Right now, I'm thinking of something to get my girlfriend (of sorts) for her birthday. I know you're not supposed to buy a woman shoes or anything ( ) but do women like gift certificates? Or is this just a pathetic "gift"? Anyone have any suggestions?

My girlfriend is a real nice person. Nothing radical about her. She doesn't have any piercings of tattoos or wild hair or anything like that. She would never talk to my mother disrespectfully. Problem is that my mother is a "know-it-all" and she will just see my girlfriend as a trick, a gold digger, and a tramp because she thinks I'm a good looking guy. (I hope I am! ) and that women just want to take advantage of me. She thinks that any girl that isn't highly religious is faking their kindness and is a young dumb bimbo and if I don't believe her, I'm stupid too. Since my mother was young at one point, she thinks she knows everything about young women and all their "tricks" and that I'm stupid for believing that young women are genuine and not tramps. I've known this girl for YEARS though. She is FAR from a trick.

Hello. Right now, I haven't introduced my friend to my mother but I am sure that my mother will not like her. Of course, if I introduced her to my mother, my mother wouldn't voice her displeasure right then and there. But later, I'm 1000% positive she would call up her friends and talk about me and my girlfriend and especially my girlfriend in a derogatory and hurtful manner. It would break my mother's heart for me to be with this girl and she would probably stop speaking to me for a long time. It would be hard for my mother to love me. I don't want to break my mother's heart but at the same time, I can't base my life upon whether my mother thinks what I'm doing is right or wrong. There is more to life than my mother. The thing is that my mother would never forgive me for seeing this girl. Ever. She would hate this girl simply for the fact that I'm with her. If my mother doesn't agree with me seeing this girl, it wouldn't really bother me. But it would really hurt her and there is NO way around it. For her to just see me, knowing that I'm with this girl would disgust her and disappoint her deeply. Does anyone have any advice? All advice is appreciated but try not to tell me that my mother may like my girlfriend and accept me seeing her because that is TOTALLY out of the question.