brucethescot

Hello Gav, It might help if you would share with us what she said was her reasons and how you handled it.

Hello Chai! Guess what? Age is not at issue here. I'm 55 and my GF is 44. She dumped me after 15 years together (virtual common law marriage). We never had a falling out and there was no warning signs. Among other things she told me she loved me but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. She said she wanted to try making it on her own since she had always been in a relationship since she was 21. As tough as its been, I've maintained 100% NC since we parted 8 looooong weeks ago. In fact she told me to NOT contact her and never even gave me her new phone or address. Then, surprise! Out of the blue she phoned me after 4 weeks. She told me she "found a few of my things" and wanted to arrange "getting together to get them back to me." I agreed but that was all. She suggested we get together later that week but has never called to set a date. Since she never gave me her phone, I can still maintain NC. The ball is in her court to contact me. Frankly I think she is still confused and guilt ridden because she knows the horrible pain she caused me by splitting. Chaii, NC has helped me sort things out in my mind as well as she my GF in a proper light. Likewise, I'm sure its helping her see me (and us) in a better and different light. I think the responses to your post have been dead-on the mark. The people on this forum are terrific. I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth and endorse the others. Give her space. let her appreciate you by missing you. Meantime, improve yourself, i.e. your attitude, your looks, everything. What you really want to do is make sure that when you meet with your EX, you exude the things that attracted you to her in the first place. I can tell you that after 8 weeks, I'm looking and feeling better than at anytime in 10 years. When my EX sees me and gets a read on my fresh attitude and disposition, she will know what she's missing. And even if that doesn't happen, I had to do it for my own sanity anyway! All the best to you!

So sorry to hear the final outcome for you. Would you be kind enough to share with us what the mistakes were that you made after you were dumped? Also would you please tell us what you did that you felt were the right things to do "by the book." Thanks in advance for whatever insight you can offer. P.S. How long was the relationship?

Hi there! If you were the one dumped, you MUST maintain NC! As difficult as it is and will be, it is a MUST for several reasons. (I speak from personal experience...having been dumped by my GF of 15 years. its been 6 weeks and I haven't even thought of breaking NC). NC gives YOU time to clear your thoughts and emotions. NC gives you time to heal and better understand what happened. NC will help shift control away from your EX to you. You can rest assured your EX is expecting you to make contact. By NC you are signalling your EX you can live without him/her. You will create doubt and mystery about what you are doing. As tough as it is, it is a MUST. Any contact you make will push your EX further away from you. Your EX has got to want to come back to you...not you back to him/her. Get the e-books STOP YOUR DIVORCE and GET BACK YOU EX. They will tell you this and lots more. Hope this helps!

Hi Ocean9, Thanks for your input. Please explain your thought further. Your idea doesn't really make any sense if you think it all the way through. What interest of mine could she possibly have been exploring? And for what purpose? Remember, she said she had some of my things...and that she wanted to get them to me. She could have still mailed them to me. She didn't need to call.

When my Ex GF dumped me back on June 30th she told me to NOT contact her. In fact, she never even gave me her new phone number or address. (NC was automatic for me). We were together for 15 straight years and never had a falling out. We never even spoke a harsh word to one another. She is 44 yrs. old and was the MOST loving, sensitive person I've ever known. But when we parted, she couldn't have been more cold or abrupt. 3 weeks past and she phoned me from work. We spoke very very briefly. Her voice was clearly upbeat, which was considerably different from anything I'd heard in recent months. Her "reason" for calling was to tell me she "found" a few of my personal things she "thought" I might need...and suggested we get together later on the following week so she could give them to me. (Hmm, seems like a pretty good pretext to open dialog and/or see me. After all, she could have mailed them to me since she has my address). Anyway, I said "fine" and we both hung up because she had to get back to her job. Well, that call occurred over 2 weeks ago...and no call from her as of tonight. Hmm. Remember, I couldn't call her because she never gave me her number. And remember she's the one who told me, NC. So the ball remains in her court. 2 questions for my forum buddies: (1) Do you suppose she called for the reason I stated or for another reason? If so, what reason? (2) Why would she suggest we get together later the following week then not follow up withb a call to arrange it? I have my ideas but I'd love yours. Thanks gang!

I'm sorry if I gave the impression I would be playing games. What I want to convey to my Ex is that I'm trying to get back on with life...such as a vacation to Bermuda...all the while appearing not too anxious to meet with her. Maybe my words appeared stronger than I intended. Any other suggestions? You all are wonderful and I really thank you.

What a difference a day can make....24 little hours! It was just last night that I posted my 2nd post. Please read that post first. link removed Well guess what? My Ex just phoned me for the 1st time since we parted! But, but, but... to be sure, I was totally cool and calm. (I had been preparing myself for this every day for the last month). Here's the scoop. She called me from work on a friend's cell phone. She is a waitress at a 5 star place and Saturday is their busiest night. (She certainly could have called me earlier today (or earlier this week) and not from work when she could be interrupted). Hmm. The 1st thing she said is that she had 2 of my old watches and some pictures of my family that she thought I might want. Hmm. (I could care less about them...but I didn't tell her that). Next she said she wanted to give me a report on "our" dogs, especially my special one. (She now has all 8 of them). Hmm. Next she asked me about the dosage for the flea stuff. (I used to measure it for all of them so that was a legit question to ask me). Next she told me she was working a 2nd job (and told me the name of the place). The last thing she said was that maybe we could meet sometime next week so she could give me the stuff she had. Hmm. I simply acknowledged her without agreeing to a thing. I was positive, upbeat and brief. She asked me how I was and I said I was fine. And that's where we left it. The ball still remains in her court. (She still never gave me her phone number). So, here's what I'm thinking. I'd appreciate your collective wisdom and candor. Please. If and when she calls next week about meeting her, I'm going to tell her that it'll have to wait because I'm on my way out of town for the next several days...maybe the Bahamas or Bermuda. (I want her to think my life is more important right now than meeting her). I'm going to suggest she try calling me the following week. (I'm not going to suggest I call her or even ask for her number). I'll also tell her I really don't "need" the stuff right now and it'll be safe with her). If I do that, then she's going to have to come up with another pretext to get together with me. Right? (She only lives 15 minutes from my home). I want to be positive, yet indifferent. I want her to think that I am actually getting on with my life without her. I won't say a thing that would discourage her from calling me...but put her is a position where she's going to have to figure out another pretext to contact me. Whew! That about covers it. Will be anxious to hear from y'all! Thanks.

Hi everyone! I'm the guy who was dumped by my GF (virtual common law marriage) after 15 years together. A complete shocker. We never had a falling out or a harsh word between us in 15 years. My Ex is 44 yrs. The OM is an ex-felon, 5 yrs younger than her. He's an alcoholic and psychotic that can't hold a job. I must report that the last 30 days have been the MOST miserable days of my life. BUT, but, but...I am absolutely convinced that NC is 100% correct and for ALL the reasons I've read from you great folks. They include: 1. I can't make her want to come back to me. That's going to be up to her. 2. Anything I would do would be perceived by her as weak and manipulative and only wotk against me. 3. I need time to heal...and reflect. Besides I said everything I could have said in the weeks between the time she dropped the bomb and the time we parted. 4. Absense should make the heart grow fonder. If I think of her everyday (after being together 15 years straight) I can't imagine she doesn't think of me. 5. She told me to NOT call her...unless urgent. Not only must I respect that, she knows it was her who ceased contact. It will be up to her to re-establish it...IF she really wants to. 6. The fact is that she MAY NOT ever contact me. I have accepted that fact intellectually which has helped me emotionally. I simply MAY have to move on without her....as painful as that is and may be. 7. I love her enough to let her find out for herself if she really no longer wants me. I will tell you this too. I pray daily to Almightly God that IF it is His will that we be together, that HE softens her heart and shows us a sign that brings us back together. He has given me a peace to deal with this these last 30 awful days. I have NOT even been tempted to try to contact her. I'd rather think that she is curious about me and let her take the next step...if there's to be one. In an odd way it has given me an inner strength to better cope. It is NOT easy I admit. It is counter-intuitive. But it is the ONLY thing to do. Hey, I am NOT in contol of her. It was her choice. She knows I love her and din't want the split. I hope this helps. You folks have helped me wit your comments and I thank you again. Bye for now.

And if you've read it, would you please share your experiences? Also do you still have a copy that you'd be willing to share? )I think it is a pdf file document). Thanks!

Hi Angelica, After 15 yesr my GF said virtually the same thing. She is 44. We lived together for 15 years. But she also later said she was confused, that she wanted to try to be on her own and live alone (but with our 8 dogs too). But there was also somebody else who she first led me (and others) to think was just a friend. When we parted she said she was with him. But he is a REAL bad boy..a loser. Alcoholic, psychotic, ex felon. Can't keep a job. He is the EXACT OPPOSITE of me in EVERY possible way. Your answer to my question may help lota of us. What happened after 8 years together that caused you to decide that it was over and final? I can't understand it after so ong. Did you try to fix it in the past? Hope to read your reply.

What I've recently learned is that our EXs' may be going through a real midlife crisis. Below I pasted text from something I found on the www that describes my EX girlfriend's behavior very well. If they're about 34 yrs old or older it may very well be a MLC that's in play. At least it helps to understand why they're acting the way they are. ------------------------------------------------------- According to the Briggs-Myers model (First, identified by the psychologist Carl Jung in the early part of the 20th century, and expanded on by Katherine Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs-Myers) one may show such symptoms of 'Mid-life transition/crisis', as: • Discontentment with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years. ("Midlife is when you reach the top of the ladder and find that it was against the wrong wall." —Joseph Campbell. The ladder can be career or personality growth, marriage or family.) • Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life. (Such as walking out of a relationship or marriage. After 20 years of married life you may suddenly wake up to the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. There could be a confusion—of feeling burdened, and yet oddly free at the same time. It is possible that you are avoiding a confrontation with midlife transitions, and your own disappointments are being projected on to the marriage. The feeling can make you mentally disconnected with your spouse). • Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different. (You may be tempted to do things that are uncharacteristic of your age or maturity—frequenting discos; showing interest in extramarital relationships—almost always with women half your age or drawn towards alcoholism and substance abuse. Even though our preferences are innate, our behaviour and perception of ourselves are modified in order to 'fit in' with the various situations (personal/social) in our life. Jung called this process 'Accommodation'. Especially, such 'accommodated' individuals tend to break free from their set 'personae' during this transition period.) • Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before. (This is that time of life when you can neither act like a youth—which was very much a part of you, nor are you prepared to accept old age as yet. You may feel frustrated about your perspectives on life you have been carrying until yesterday. The compulsion to change can create a lot of angst and irritability in you.) • Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going. (Confronted with this transition, you may rethink about the worthwhileness of the life you have been leading. You may feel you have run out of time chasing wrong targets all along. Because, you may have to depart from the priorities you have been concerned with. You may feel stranded on a cross road, thinking about the validity of all these experiences.)

Francis, Interesting insight. Thanks. I do recall my EX telling me (when she said it was over) that a turning point in her life had occurred a few months earlier when her father died. She never loved him and probably almost hated him. He always cheated on his wife (my EX mother), and was never there for the kids. That said though, there are no ther similarities to my EX's bad boy...other than he's just NG. Hmm.

Hi Doc! Midlife Crisis indeed. It turns out that I found something that describes all of her other behavior that fits a MLC to a T. Another thing I "just" learned is that someone will low self esteem would be inclined to do such a thing too. Thanks for your feedback!

My EX and I parted after 15 years together just over 2 weeks ago. There has been NC since. My EX originally first told me she 'wanted to be alone" and wanted to try to make it on her own for the 1st time in her life. By the time we actually parted, she told me she was with the OM. (so much for wanting to be alone). She also told me that, for the first time in her life, she was going to do for her instead of everyone else. This, from a gal who was THE MOST SELFLESS person I know. Honest! Now women out there especially, pleeeeze help me understand this.....I'm sure you've known of this occurring with girls you've known. The OM is a real "bad boy" and my EX knows it completely. She told me all about this dude. First my EX is 44, he is 39. He's not much to look at either...both arms with tattoos from shoulder to wrist. He is an ex felon, arrested 11 times over 18 years. He is a psychotic and alcoholic having been admitted for treatments many times over the years. In fact my EX helped get him admitted for several days as recently as 2 weeks before we split. He has 2 ex wives and kind by both. he can't keep up with child support. He can't keep a job. His transportation is a motorcycle. She drives him around in her car. On the other hand, I am an attractive, educated, intellgent, hard working normal male. I am the exact opposite of the OM in every way. I provided for us and anything my EX made in her job was her's. We never had a harsh word between us in 15 years. I'd say there was always mutural respect. My EX is a VERY attractive, caring, sensitive, selfless woman. She has always shown good judgment in our 15 years and even told me she knows the OM isn't any good for her. But he loves her (so she says) and I overheard her on the phone saying she loved him. So, ladies in particular, what in the world would motivate my EX to do what she's doing with this dude? Oh sure, he likely saw she was vulnerable and gave her the attention she felt was lacking. I won't deny that possibilty. But why with such a real, real "bad boy?" One other thing...the people my EX has be-friended are low lifes whose 2 main food groups are beer and cigarettes. She spends her time with this kind of trash. What gives?