"If it's meant to be you'll get back/be together..&quot

I hear this said a lot. I'm not sure it's true though, and it's partly a reason why people break up. I'm just wondering if you guys believe this. I've often read that couples who are very dedicated to each other & who were deeply in love, but feel that something is off in the relationship don't want to break it off, because they're scared they'll be making a mistake in the long-term..i.e. everything seems so right, what if it was meant to be? there were all those dreams of marriage, kids, etc. etc. and now I want to break it off because I want to have more freedom/experience to 'date other people'? What happens if I'm really making a big mistake?

This is somewhat what I'm feeling now, so I just wanted others' thoughts on this. I've seen a few posts like this..do you guys really believe that if it was "meant to be" you'll get back together? How do you know?

To personalize the message a bit, I'm thinking of breaking up with my bf (we're in a long-distance relationship; I was delaying it for quite a bit but he recently e-mailed me and now I'm questioning whether I want to stay with him or not.) I'm just scared because what we had was so great, and sure I want to date other people just for the hell of it (I'm only 19, I don't want to get so serious so fast) but what if I'm breaking up something really meaningful? How do you guys deal with this?

there were all those dreams of marriage, kids, etc. etc. and now I want to break it off because I want to have more freedom/experience to 'date other people

I'm only 19, I don't want to get so serious so fast

>you know more than you think you do about this situation. some of my best (and worst) dating experiences happened between 19 and 25...you kind of owe it to yourself to experience being your age without worrying if you're losing out on "the one"

>and, for the record, I actually do believe that if it's meant to be, you'll end up together...once you've both grown (and I don't mean that to sound condescending at all) and experienced more of life...

Thanks so much pineapple girl. That really put things in perspective. Perhaps I'm analyzing too much..I just feel really bad for wanting to end things that were going great mainly because of the fact that I'm young & want to experience things more. But I think that's part of the process of getting to know what you want in a relationship, and learning more about yourself as well..my mom got married at 19 & she said she regrets it because she never really knew what she wanted then. But then I hear people who say 'once you've found true love, you know it & so there's no point to let go..' I don't know. Even if it *is* true love, if you're so young, why not date other people first? And then if, after both of you date & experience other (perhaps less satisfying relationships) you realize that you guys were meant to be, you can contact each other a few yrs later and see what's up..?

That's my way of thinking, although there's some ppl. (in the long-distance relationship forum especially) who believe that if it's meant to be, you should stick it out for good. I dunno..perhaps it's worth hanging onto, but if you're young, why get so serious so soon? I guess I'm asking 2 questions in this message then

Any opinions would be great. I love debating =)

Even if it *is* true love, if you're so young, why not date other people first? And then if, after both of you date & experience other (perhaps less satisfying relationships) you realize that you guys were meant to be, you can contact each other a few yrs later and see what's up..?

 

That's my way of thinking, although there's some ppl. (in the long-distance relationship forum especially) who believe that if it's meant to be, you should stick it out for good. I dunno..perhaps it's worth hanging onto, but if you're young, why get so serious so soon? I guess I'm asking 2 questions in this message then

 

Any opinions would be great. I love debating =)

I think this is great in theory but craptastic in practice. It all sounds so good but thenyou have to go through the pain of breaking up and watching them with other people and then perhaps realizing that you WEREN'T meant to be together when you wanted to believe you would be.

But that's just me.

I want to believe that if it was meant to be that everything will work out. I just can't accept that it wasn't meant to be.

haha. So true..there is a lot of pain involved. But after suffering through some crappy romances, won't you both look back at your relationship & realize it was so much better, maybe it's worth another chance? I dunno. I just don't know if I'd be making a mistake by breaking up, but at some point I guess you just have to take that chance..and have faith that if it's meant to be, you'll get back, even if your ex thinks you're a big jerk for doing it

There is no such thing as meant to be. It's all coincidence, chance, genetics, and mother nature. As far as "meant to be" concerning love, it's a common phrase used to help people feel better about their situation. To a lot of people, it gives them piece of mind to think, "maybe we just weren't meant to be." They get feelings of comfort and understanding when they tell this to themselves.

I believe that people take action for whatever their reason. Breakups occur because of one or more reasons - REAL reasons, which have nothing to do with whether they were meant to be together or not. This is simply not part of the equation. Do you think that some people are meant to live in poverty or die at a young age while others live a rich, healthy and long life? NO. It's all part of coincidence, chance, genetics, or mother nature (external conditions that no single person can control). So, next time someone says, "maybe it wasn't meant to be," agree with them just to help them feel better about themselves. Peace of mind is sometimes priceless.

It is very true. That which is meant to be, will be. Things are always as they are supposed to be regardless or because of the choices we make in our lives.

Don't be scared about making a mistake in the long term because there is absolutely no way you can know what the long term may bring. Things are constantly changing in yourself and your life and the only thing, the most important thing, is to always trust yourself and to do what you feel is best for yourself at this exact moment in time.

Should you later decide that the decision you made wasn't quite right, at the very least you will have learned something more about yourself and your needs and that in and of itself is quite a treasure. And really, if you find that your original decision doesn't quite fit, make another decision and change things for yourself yet again.

I'm pretty sure that in your heart you already know what you need/want to do. You know what's right for you.

P.S. I'm 22 and just went through the same exact thing with my now ex-bf. He's a wonderful person whom I love, but something was just not clicking like it did. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it anymore. Not to say that I know what I want, but I do know that I need the freedom to figure that out. So after a lot of thought on the matter I came to know that 1) it's just not the right time in my life to be in a serious relationship. I've got to focus on myself and I've got to focus my energy on creating for myself the kind of life I want and need to be happy and 2) That he just wasn't everything I wanted in man. Again, I don't know what I want in a man yet, but I just knew that he wasn't everything I wanted. I do have faith that when that man does come along I will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's for me and that he's got what I need.

I too worried at first that I might be throwing away a possibly great thing and a good man so I talked to my girlfriend to get some advice. I told her that when I thought about being single and just doing my own thing for awhile that I just felt better inside. I felt freer and happier and lighter. She said, "Well that feeling right there should tell you that this is the right thing to do right now". What she was really saying (and this is the best advice I've received in awhile) was to trust how I felt about the situation even if I couldn't yet make logical sense of it all. She was telling me to trust myself as an individual and a smart, strong woman to make the best decision for myself. So now I'm just going to date, be me, be free, and live life to the fullest. And I must say I feel f-ing great. This may not be the case for you, but hell, thought I'd offer up my story so maybe in some way you can relate to it.

Meant to be doesnt exist, if you want to end up with a person bad enough and they want to end up with you thats the only way it happens. "Meant to be" is one of those things that people need to believe in otherwise reality is to cruel for them to deal with. You should never believe that something was meant to be instead you should believe that people "want things to be".

goodkarmakitty said, "He's a wonderful person whom I love, but something was just not clicking like it did. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it anymore. Not to say that I know what I want, but I do know that I need the freedom to figure that out. "

This is a perfect example of how there is no such thing as "meant to be." She expressed that her ex was "a wonderful person whom I love," but she "wasn't getting what I wanted out of it anymore." In other words, she was not getting emotional fulfillment from her realtionship. So, the REASON or one of the REASONS, were that things were, as she said, "just not clicking like it did."

Day Walker said "You should never believe that something was meant to be instead you should believe that people "want things to be"."

Apparently, goodkarmakitty wanted things to be this way because she wasn't getting what she wanted out of the relationship and NOT because it wasn't meant to be. You can clearly see the reason why. This has nothing to do with meant to be, since it does not exist. Instead, she wanted things to be this way.

Thanks for everyone's replies so far! It seems to be venturing into a type of determinism vs. free-will debate (i.e. how much control do people have over our own lives? can we control our life, or is it really god/chance/something else that accounts for the changes in our lives?) That's interesting too if you guys want to discuss that I don't really mind..

And thanks so much goodkarmakitty. Some of what you said really resonated with my own situation, so it definitely helped. I'll have to think about it a bit more. It's hard to even know whether I want to be single or not because he's in another country, so it's sorta hard to say if it's because of the distance or if there's something else lacking in the relationship. One thing that I do feel is really true is what you said -- "he just wasn't everything I wanted in man." My bf is a very sweet, intelligent guy who really loves me but at the same time I feel like there's something lacking..some type of passion..I won't get into a critique of him, I know there's a lot of things lacking in my own character as well, but I feel like there's things lacking in him (good judgement in some cases) that I would really value in a person..again, I'm not sure if I said it in this post or another, I'm not sure if I'm being too perfectionistic, as I'm quite a perfectionist (I actually took a test in my guidance office at school once & it said it was way above the normal level of 'internal adequacy' one normally places on herself, so that's why sometimes I question if my demands are too high. I have high standards for myself, so sometimes I wonder if I should have the same on others..)

But in any case, ultimately in relationships I think your gut feeling is worth a lot & if you feel something is lacking, there should be a change..I'm not saying it calls for automatic break-up. As someone else said, communication is important, perhaps counselling as well, but there should be something done because it's not working.

I still feel like I have to figure things out though..he is my first boyfriend as well, so I think it may also be a bit harder that way.

..my mom got married at 19 & she said she regrets it because she never really knew what she wanted then.

Well, speaking as someone who is actually older than your mom, I have to concur with her. I know so many people who got married young and felt they missed out on something. Later they were resentful and the marriages fell apart. I am not saying that if you are madly in love with someone not to get married young. All I am saying is, if you are questioning it, you probably already know your answer. If you weren't questioning it, it wouldn't be an issue. I have at least three girlfriends who have been happily married for over 20 years, so there is another side to the story, but none of them ever questioned what they were doing at the time.

I am a different person now that I was at 19, 29 and even 39, and will likely be a different person every decade for the next (hopefully) 6 decades

And yes, if it is meant to be, it will be. I truly believe that.

Trish has hit the nail on the head really. I have a friend who has a girlfriend who got married when she was 19. They had children straight away and were married for 17 years. She left 3 years ago merely because she realized he wasnt the one after all that time.

There was nothing acrimononius, no affairs, violence or anything, she was simply a different woman at 36 to the woman she was of 19 and had grown. Her ideas of "the one" had changed and her husband no longer fitted the bill. Some people do stay together from an early age, however this lady now simply turns round now and says it was a mistake to marry so young even though she thought he was the one.

I myself met and dated a lovely girl when i was 21. She was the world to me, but it ended simply because i moved to New Zealand to pursue a sporting career which i could not miss out on. At the time i thought she was the one and was heartbroken. I since moved back home and still see her to this day, 20 years later. I look at her now and still see a wonderful person and we get on well and chat when ever we see each other, however i could never imagine being with her, she just isnt my type anymore, my ideals have changed.

Saying all that i do believe whats meant to be is meant to be , but you cannot force it and as Trish says, if you are questioning it then maybe it isnt. My father once said to me "Son, when Nature believes we are in the wrong place, it will let us know"

"...when Nature believes we are in the wrong place, it will let us know"

That is a wonderful saying, I will have to keep that one in mind...

Thanks so much guys!

Well I just spoke with him over MSN messenger, and the conversation was completely empty. I had the feeling that he was lying to me the whole time & when I starting pointing out the contradictions he said that he had to quickly go (even though he got upset when just 5 mins earlier I said I had to go, complaining that we hadn't spoken to each other for months.) In any case, I think I was just holding onto what we had before, but at the same time I feel like I don't even really know him -- I know the person he was *trying* to be in order to impress me, and thus was lying about a lot of things. Possibly not that important things, but I still feel like there's something missing...

I don't regret dating him though, although my parents think I was crazy for trying to commit to a long-distance relationship in any case.. ultimately as people pointed out, your ideals change, you start to realize what you value in a boyfriend & there's just some things missing. I want to date other people. I couldn't tell him in that message, because it was rushed and just wasn't the right time. I will soon though..hopefully he'll understand and won't question me incessantly about it like I expect. (I was his first girlfriend and he seems quite insecure..) Oh well. If things go horribly doing breakup I'll post again, hopefully someone can help =)

Lily04 may I ask what city your in, cause if your close, I'll take you out....

Hi,

Twiggs - sorry, I live in Canada...but thanks anyways. =)

But I have to say that I just feel really confused. I should send him an e-mail but I can't. I don't know what to say, or even if I really want to end it. I suppose I'm scared that I'm not going to meet someone more compatible, that I'll be making a mistake..it all just seems very sudden. Like we started dating in June..he left for another country in the beginning of Sept. We've only been dating for about 3 months..it seems like he left right when our relationship was taking off. Now I do sorta regret getting into it..I mean, he was my first boyfriend and I wanted to date someone since it was the summer and we got along, I wasn't really thinking about the future. But now I just don't know..I don't know where this relationship is going. Our MSN conversation didn't end on a good note -- I was like "well good luck with whatever you're ostensibly doing..see ya" and then just logged off. It's been 2 days and I haven't gotten any e-mails or phone calls from him, nor have I contacted him. He said in the course of our conversation that he would call me after he's done his grad school application, which is due Nov. 15th. But it still doesn't seem like too much trouble to just call your girlfriend for 5 mins or send off an e-mail to ask how things are going..it's probably because the message would be a lot more involved than just that. That's why I haven't e-mailed him anyway, because I know if I do it's not going to be a simple 'hey, how's it going..' message.

I want to contact him, but I don't know what to say. I don't know if I even want to break up with him..in a way I do, but in another way I'm not sure if I'm really giving this a fair chance. I'm not sure I'm being completely fair..I know he's going through a tough time with his apps. and perhaps is bending the truth about his grades, etc. to make things seem less stressful for him, or make himself look better I don't know...to be honest, I just want to end this to sorta get it off my mind, clear everything and move on; I feel like since he's in another country and I hardly ever talk to him it won't even really make a difference, but is this fair? Am I a horrible person for just ending this? But then, I would think if he really cared about me he would've called or e-mailed me after our conversation to ask what's it..it doesn't seem like he's very concerned. I felt like i was just talking to an acquaintance over MSN not a boyfriend.

Can anyone give me some input, perhaps? He is my first boyfriend so I suppose I'm a bit new to this as well..I just feel very confused.

The thing is that I feel like I'm not even in a relationship anyways. He's in another country. Since the beginning of Sept. I've talked with him on the phone *once.* I've talked with him over MSN *once.* I receive about 2 e-mails per week, all very short & almost formal in diction (except in the end with xoxo. And when he does that I just feel like it's almost cheesy in contrast to the rest of his formal message..) I feel like he's trying to pump up his image though, and I don't think he's nearly as smart as he says he is..he brags about himself & his supposed accomplishments to others incessantly at times and then wonders why they don't like him. I don't know..he is a sweet person at times and we seemed to get along well, but I'm just wondering if I'm still even attracted to him..

I'm going through the same exact thing right now, except i'm on the opposite end. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. The last 7 months of our relationship has been long distance. Things changed between us he wasn't really sure what caused them . He started feeling really confused about what he wanted in his life, so he need some time to figure it out. I honestly believe that letting him go, is the best thing I can do for him. I do believe that if we are meant to be together he'll find his way back to me.

Him and I were also each others first serious relationship, I am 19 him 21. So we really don't know what else is out there for us, so this gives us time to experience and see if what we have was the real thing.

If you decide you need to experiment and just prove to yourself that you have the real thing, it might be for the best. because always think of it this way. If you end it with this guy, and it just happens not to work out, where you find your way back to him, it happened for a reason, and there is someone out there who is better for you.

Since you are in different country, I suggest this break to see what else is out there, but you have to go with your heart and do what you feel you need to do for yourself..

Hope I helped some.

I really do wish you the best in whatever you decide.

-Ashlee

Thank you so much! I had a feeling no one would reply, so I'm really glad you did =)

Everyone keeps saying to do what I feel is best for me -- I guess I am trying to do this but also questioning whether this is objectively 'fair.' (I'm such a philosopher at heart..heh. I just feel sorta cold-hearted & premature doing it..when we've only been dating for 3 months. But then I think I also have a good point -- we're been dating for such a short time, and now he's going to be gone for a year (he has the opportunity to visit in Christmas but doesn't want to, because of excessive work apparently..although his grad schools apps would have already have been completed by then..) And then he wants to go to grad school there too, which will be at least another year away..by then I'll almost be done undergrad. Do I really want to stay with him for that long..I mean thinking that far ahead is really scary for me on its own. He's also my first boyfriend..so I think it's justified. I may not meet someone as compatible, but like you said, if it's meant to be it'll work out somehow..

I suppose I'll just e-mail him telling him I'm not satisfied with how this relationship is going, and want to date other people..it breaks my heart to say it because I'm scared I might not even date other people (for one, I only seem to be attracted to graduate students which isn't so much a possibility since they're usually evaluating me..) but right now I don't even really feel like I'm in a relationship in any case. communication seems sorta low...

In any case, I better get back to work. But thanks for your input. I want the opportunity to date others, but since he's my first bf I suppose I'm just scared that those 'others' won't come. But I am attractive & intelligent so I should be ok..technically. I think I tend to intimidate guys too much though..

ugh..this is driving me crazy!! I just feel like I want to get it over with. He sent me an e-mail asking for my phone # (he lost it apparently) and what time to call me because he wants to talk.

I replied with some times, but I can't do it. I just can't break up over the phone..in person it would be OK, but I don't think I'll be able to do it right over the phone..

so I'm going to write him an e-mail explaining how I feel now..I should be doing other things but this has just been occupying my mind all night & I have to get it over with now..I don't even want to talk with him over the phone anymore. I know it's going to come as a complete shock to him, since he probably thought everything was perfect..I don't know. But I just have to do this now, or I know I'll keep dragging it on. God, this is so hard..I don't want to do it because I feel horrible but I have to do it..

So, I just did it. I just broke up with him..it is 4:30 a.m. and I am tired, but very relieved at the same time. Thx for everyone's opinions..hopefully it goes ok.

Wow. I just got a response and it was nothing like what I expected. I expected pleas for staying together, even threats if I didn't stay with him (he had some pictures of me that could easily damage my reputation..and I'm in politics.) In any case, it was a lot more mature and I think it ended right..he said that he completely understands my situation and anticipated that this might happen when he left, but he took that chance when he left me..

So that's it. I feel like I'm going to cry, but I have to move on..

Thanks again for everyone's advice..but that e-mail also helped confirm that this was the best thing for us. I'm just glad he took it so well (at least over e-mail.) He also said that if he comes back to Canada, if I'm still interested to know that he's there for me, so I suppose if it were meant to be it could still happen..but that's too much in the future for me to consider now.

Take care..

lily04

I am glad it went well. I am sure you will be able to remain friends, because it sounds like a mature and mutual decision. Good luck and take care.

Hi Trich,

Yeah it went well. I'm not sure it was all that mutual, but he did take it maturely. About remaining friends..I've been thinking about that, and I'm not sure how well it will really work. I think it's better perhaps to just remain acquaintances? I don't really see us being good friends, I think there's just too much feeling there..at least initially. Maybe in time though.. I'm still sorta confused about this whole process, but I think things in time will sort themselves out. For now, I'm just relieved and want to move on..I was thinking about this way too much, and I have a lot of other things going on in my life that I have to devote time to. So I'm really glad I didn't drag this on and just got it over with now..

Thanks again for all your support!

Luv,

lily04