archiep

Agree here that it seems to happen regardless of sex of the person and i think its very difficult to maintain a healthy balance. My ex wife was that over the top with me that it ended up putting me off her. It got that bad in the end that she would have gladly rolled on the floor and barked like a dog for me. Ugh offputting and it ended up me being relieved when it was over. However the girl i met after that was different. It started being 50/50 but after a while i realised it was me putting all the effort in. I became the martyr and the day she told me it was over i would have not only gladly rolled on floor and barked like a dog but promised to eat dog food for the rest of that week if it would have saved the relationship. OMG !!

Ok GF broke up with me 2 week ago. Said it was cos we had too many fall outs and didnt want upset anymore- decision was definate and she wasnt coming back. I accept this, and although im devastated and she knows this, i wrote her letter accepting this and wishing her best for future. Yesterday she sends me an xmas present. Very nice present, and signed "Merry Xmas !!, love xx" She didnt buy this before split, she has bought it since. Now she knows im distraught over break up and my xmas would be sad one regardless,and though a present may be nice thought i feel shes just rubbing it in by actually not just sending present but writing "Merry xmas". Why would she write that knowing im not going to have one? its just made me feel worse or am i overreacting ?

okay this is longish so please bear with me. My GF and i have been seeing each other since February this year. We are very much in love with each other but early in the realtionship i had insecurity problems probably down to ex wife leaving me 2 year ago and the fact that my GF is a stunner, and i mean stunner. So we have had 6 or 7 fall outs over the 10 month and one big one back in September. Nothing violent, just me being insecure, saying i wasnt getting enough love etc etc. When we fell out in September the last time it was major because we were on holiday and it was ruined, and i was totally at fault in that argument and she felt i let her down. So she wanted a break. After 2 weeks of begging to no avail, i found this site and did NC for a further 3 week. She then contacted me, saying we could go out, but have to take things slowly as she wanted to be sure. So we did, only seeing each other once a week, eventually after 3 weeks of this ,sleeping with each other. Things were going fine, in fact very well. Then last Sunday happens. She text me on Saturday to ask me to Sunday dinner. I accept. I then wait Sunday for her text or call telling me what time dinner was. It gets to 5pm, i think dinner must be soon so i send her a text saying is dinner still on. At 6 she texts back saying, stop playing silly games we have been waiting for you since 530, dont come now we are about to eat. Im stunned, and send her message back saying thanks for telling me what time to come. The phone rings, i am in the bathroom and eventually get to it but the machine has kicked in. I manage to cancel machine, and its GF apologising , saying she thought she had told me, but now realises she didnt. I go off the handle saying it wasnt fair and shouldnt have accused me of playing games, and i do lose temper here and start shouting. I did this because the was the first time going back to her house since Sept, and first time meeting her kids again and it was an important day for me, and it seemed ruined thro no fault of my own. For some reason the phone then goes dead. I assume she put it down. Now i realise i shouldnt have lost temper, but she now says i overreacted and it brought back memories of the past. She also says i was ignorant by putting phone down (i didnt honestly do this, dont know what happened here) and this also brought back memories of me not talking things through. She also states i was ignorant and typically me by not even bothering to pick phone up in first place, and letting machine come on. Whatever the wrongs and rights of this she is now adamant its over. And i mean adamant. I know in my heart she has no intention of trying again. She has told me straight not to ever contact her again, has stated she does not want to talk or meet and basically says that although she loves me she cannot stand anmyore upset and at our age (40) we should not be falling out as much, its not normal. She also states that she knows it will happen again, and does not want us to end up becoming bitter towards each other. I accept its over, and theres nothing i can do. What i can't let go of is her thinking all that stuff happened deliberately. I want to write a letter explaining about the answering machine, and about the phone going dead, both of which she blames me for, but as God is my witness were not this time an intention. Its almost a cry wolf story and my reputation caused her to believe what she did. I also want to put in the letter about how important that day was to me and seeing her kids again, somewhat explaining why i overreacted on phone. Let me make this clear, i dont want to write this as manipulation in the hope she will come back. I dont think there would be a cat in hells chance as she feels right now. I want her to understand what happened but at the same time agree how it could seem it was me being my old self. I also want to state in this letter how much she meant to me and to wish her a good life. I want her to know this because i am in no doubt she will never come back. She meant the world to me and i want her to know i accept her decision and to thank her for the time we had together. There will be no pleading, or begging just an explanation of that day and goodbye and good luck. Maybe sometime well ahead in the future she may look back and wonder if the whole story about the phone things were explained to her,and maybe consider changing her mind, but i think that would be months away if at all, as she is very strong minded and independent and would force herself to face it if she thinks its for the best. i know she loves me deeply and even said in her goodbye call that i was perfect for her apart from the fall outs and she cant have them anymore. I dont want to ruin any future chance with the letter, but my own heart tells me she wont be coming back, so i want her to understand the bits that happened that day and how much she meant to me, and i want to wish her well in case she never does come back, otherwise feel i would always regret not telling her. Should i send ?

Trish has hit the nail on the head really. I have a friend who has a girlfriend who got married when she was 19. They had children straight away and were married for 17 years. She left 3 years ago merely because she realized he wasnt the one after all that time. There was nothing acrimononius, no affairs, violence or anything, she was simply a different woman at 36 to the woman she was of 19 and had grown. Her ideas of "the one" had changed and her husband no longer fitted the bill. Some people do stay together from an early age, however this lady now simply turns round now and says it was a mistake to marry so young even though she thought he was the one. I myself met and dated a lovely girl when i was 21. She was the world to me, but it ended simply because i moved to New Zealand to pursue a sporting career which i could not miss out on. At the time i thought she was the one and was heartbroken. I since moved back home and still see her to this day, 20 years later. I look at her now and still see a wonderful person and we get on well and chat when ever we see each other, however i could never imagine being with her, she just isnt my type anymore, my ideals have changed. Saying all that i do believe whats meant to be is meant to be , but you cannot force it and as Trish says, if you are questioning it then maybe it isnt. My father once said to me "Son, when Nature believes we are in the wrong place, it will let us know"

can appreciate that. Just thought it was beautiful, would have liked to have saved it

Okay, did anyone save a copy of "Dave's" letter to himself in this forum recently which seems to have disappeared ? Dont think Dave did

Swingers the movie, never a truer word was spoken : "You can pretend to give up, but somehow a woman knows the exact moment when you have actually given up, only then does she come back" So after nearly 3 weeks of NC, i am sitting down at my laptop, with the full intention on writing a letter to my ex stating that i will willingly "close" the matter myself, rather than being left in limbo for ever. Similar to the letter of Trish - link removed In other words, an act of love for both our sakes. Its the hardest thing i ever want to do, but i woke up this morning feeling she would never come back. Half way through this letter my ex phones, small talk to start with then the jawdropper : EX GF : Was wondering if you would like to go for a drink on Saturday. ME: Stunned silence. My heart is crying YEEEESSSSS from the rooftops, but my head is saying listen to Super Dave, listen to Enotalone. My mouth however is saying nothing, just nothing, not maybe, not yes, not no, just nothing. For what must have been 30 seconds i could not form anything that would have sounded remotely like the english language. The silence was so profound, at one point she thought we had been cut off. Eventually an "errrrrrrrrr" comes out of my mouth, as if im debating a wine from a never ending wine list. EX GF : You understand we are not going back to the point we left off, but its just a drink, to see how we get on. You can think about it if you want and i'll phone tomorrow. ME: Okay that would be nice. Someone pass me some beta blockers in time for Saturday

okay heres an update. Went into my business centre to pick up my mail, and guess who is on reception. my ex GF. So i just act natural and polite conversation, and amongst business chat i say "hope u r doing okay". She answers "yes im okay but missing you, hope u r okay too" I leave, trying not to read anything into this

dave, you are a rock and thank you. Thank God i found this forum, cos i would be persistent with the pestering if not and youre right she would have probably god that fed up i would have my "answer" by now. Its just so hard having no contact after 7 wonderful months. Not as if we were on a rocky slope, everything was great until that night and i know she loved me dearly. The last 5 weeks , i.e that night of argument and the 3 weeks pleading followed by 2 weeks NC has been like watching a horror movie from outside my body. I just want to press rewind and get back that moment before it all went wrong. Thats why i have been panicking i think, plus with everything being almost perfect before, its a shock to the system for things to be how they are now. Its like a knife in the heart to know that the girl im wanting to get back is in reality still sitting in the bar on holiday where we argued and that the one at home is a different person now. I just hope that she hasnt changed her opinion too much of me and that my initial pressuring and turning into Mr Needy hasnt put her off me for good. Thats the worst thing not knowing how she feels now and wondering if time is making her think breaking up is for the best. I tend to think too much and analyse things really, assuming that all that goes through her head are those last bad moments, and nothing else and thats why she wont contact me because all she has now is a bad memory, and shes deliberately blocking out all the good times. Why would someone do that unless they wanted it to be actually over ?

is it natural after 2 weeks to start having doubts as to how u left things, and maybe thats the reason shes not calling. eg, the last thing that happened is i sent her a text saying i would say goodnight by text every night whilst she was thinking about things. She replied saying "please dont, its pressure to make me answer, it was a nice thought though". But i never replied to this txt, i just did want she wished. Maybe i should have replied saying ok no problem, and she now thinks i arent talking to her cos i never sent a reply. I keep thinking now that even though ive said i would give her time, shes naturally stubborn and maybe she just wants a "hi" txt from me or something to start the ball rolling. Or maybe after 2 weeks of NC she is too scared to contact , as she may think IVE moved on. Is paranoia setting in i think to myself

Okay , taking your advice about no contact, been 2 weeks now. Thing is my GF works at the business centre which takes my business calls. Sometimes they ring me with messages. How do i approach this if shes the one that rings. Should i just be friendly and business like full stop, or throw in the odd comment, i.e "nice to hear your voice" or something along those lines which shows i still care without seeming needy

Posted my story about break up of me and gf of 7 months earlier this month. Basically i screwed up big time and its caused a split. We met face to face after 3 weeks of the wrongdoing (virtually had to coerce her into meeting) but we did talk. I said all the sorrys etc and meeting ended with her saying she didnt know if she could come back. It was a niceish meeting with hugs and kisses but she ended saying that she didnt know if she could trust me not to be like that again (blew up a bit and got insecure). I was even insecure in meeting and said if she didnt want it i would prefer closure to which she said if there was no chance at all i would end it now but she didnt know yet if she could come back and needed time. Did NC for next week but then succumbed and phoned her, getting very insecure again, almost accusing her of seeing someone else as soon as picking phone up because she hadnt contacted me for week. Phone call then was calm and she said it was over for now but she wasnt going to say she never would want to see me again cos its not what she wanted. What she did say was that although she "loves" me, she did not "like" me the last 4 week since the "incident" , saying i came over as so down, insecure and basically looking pathetic and sorry for myself and that she wasnt sure if we could get it back to what it was. Now been 10 days NC and not even a text message from her and no idea whats going thro her head. Although im now keeping up NC , did i go to far with 3-4 weeks of pestering etc and have blown any chance ? During the last phone call i said isn't 5 weeks too long to keep me waiting for decision, and she said "you finish with me then if youre not prepared to wait". She also said that she did not expect me to sit at home waiting and put my life on hold- if i wanted to meet someone else she would understand but she did still love me, and even said that the break had made her realise just how much she missed me.

Broke up about 5 weeks ago, with her saying she needed time. my post was link removed Have done NC for a week, but keep getting overwhelming feeling that shes going out with someone else and the urge to find out is huge. Not just that i "want to know" , its also bcos i think that maybe shes keeping me as a fallback guy, and if it doesnt work out with the other guy, i could never take her back. So unless i know for sure, she could come back and try with me and i'll never know shes been dating someone else unless i find out for myself. Tonight, Friday is her best day for going out, and urge to wait near her house and see if she gets picked up in car by another guy is too much. Part of me says dont, just leave it, but cant get over feeling that i must know. Someone stop me please.

okay i have been an idiot. Basically went on holiday with girlfriend and on first night we had a row. Not a common thing as we never had that many, just unfortunate it was first night of holiday. Anyway one thing led to another and altough it wasnt violent or anything else she ended up getting another room for that night to calm things down. The following day i was peed off cos she had got another room but also ashamed cos i could see that i had really caused the argument (no fault of hers, just some things on my mind at home), so i stayed out of her way and didnt answer her texts. Now i remember saying through drunkeness the night before that it was over and i was going home, stupid i know. She took this at face value, was scared and decided to go home herself. So that was result, she came home on 2nd day. I was totally distraught for making her leave and out of m mind at what she must have gone through on the journey home. Anyway that was 5 weeks ago. When i got home i did nothing but apologise, probably too much really, cos have now come over as being a bit of a pest to say the least. In the first week she said she was too angry to speak to me. Since then she has said she cannot decide if she still wants the realtionship, and when i have asked outright on several occasions is it over, she has said she does not know yet, only repeating on several occasions that she needs space We have met once in that time, last week and she again said she did not know. What she did say was that if she didnt think there was any chance with us she would definitely tell me its over. Now the waiting is really hurting. I could understand her wanting to end it, and would accept it, but the confusion is why she is taking all this time and if its over why does she not tell me so i know where i stand. Am i being too impatient ? If she has no intention of coming back, surely it would be kinder to let me know rather than keeping my hanging on 5 weeks ? Or is it a sign that she may come back given time- i.e surely she would not keep me hanging so long then decide to tell me it is over after all ? I have a feeling that i havent helped by keep pestering her for an answer. I have only really left her in the last week not texting or contacting her with my worries and questions, the other first four week i was on to her nearly every other day. But i thought that the longer you leave it the harder it is to get back, and now am wondering if 5 weeks just is TOO long for her to come to a decision. Is she likely to come back, or are the signs not good ? So many things going through my head thats its difficult to see the light here. im even getting paranoid there may be someone else, and have confronted her with question a couple of times but she nearly blew up and reacted badly the first time and second time she refused to answer saying she was offended even by the question. We have been together 7 months and she really is the love of my life. She has said even since we got back that she loves me and misses me, but all this time away just makes me insecure that maybe she doesnt miss me that much the worst thing is i have only read today in these forums about the NC rule, so although i can start applying that now, has the damage already been done and i have pushed her away already ?