goodkarmakitty

It is very true. That which is meant to be, will be. Things are always as they are supposed to be regardless or because of the choices we make in our lives. Don't be scared about making a mistake in the long term because there is absolutely no way you can know what the long term may bring. Things are constantly changing in yourself and your life and the only thing, the most important thing, is to always trust yourself and to do what you feel is best for yourself at this exact moment in time. Should you later decide that the decision you made wasn't quite right, at the very least you will have learned something more about yourself and your needs and that in and of itself is quite a treasure. And really, if you find that your original decision doesn't quite fit, make another decision and change things for yourself yet again. I'm pretty sure that in your heart you already know what you need/want to do. You know what's right for you. P.S. I'm 22 and just went through the same exact thing with my now ex-bf. He's a wonderful person whom I love, but something was just not clicking like it did. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it anymore. Not to say that I know what I want, but I do know that I need the freedom to figure that out. So after a lot of thought on the matter I came to know that 1) it's just not the right time in my life to be in a serious relationship. I've got to focus on myself and I've got to focus my energy on creating for myself the kind of life I want and need to be happy and 2) That he just wasn't everything I wanted in man. Again, I don't know what I want in a man yet, but I just knew that he wasn't everything I wanted. I do have faith that when that man does come along I will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's for me and that he's got what I need. I too worried at first that I might be throwing away a possibly great thing and a good man so I talked to my girlfriend to get some advice. I told her that when I thought about being single and just doing my own thing for awhile that I just felt better inside. I felt freer and happier and lighter. She said, "Well that feeling right there should tell you that this is the right thing to do right now". What she was really saying (and this is the best advice I've received in awhile) was to trust how I felt about the situation even if I couldn't yet make logical sense of it all. She was telling me to trust myself as an individual and a smart, strong woman to make the best decision for myself. So now I'm just going to date, be me, be free, and live life to the fullest. And I must say I feel f-ing great. This may not be the case for you, but hell, thought I'd offer up my story so maybe in some way you can relate to it.

I totally understand DBL and I don't believe you are being negative. Sorry if that's the way I worded things. You are merely offering your experience. I suppose what I meant was that we shouldn't assume that telling people will make it worse. But alternatively, I shouldn't assume that telling people will make it better. Ultimately she decides what is right for her, but at least she has people like us to help her see that she does in fact have options.

DBL, I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience with your sister, but this is a different situation and it's possible that the way you would handle the situation currently has been colored by the negative outcome you previously experienced. I don't understand how you could tell this woman to try and work this out with this man who could prove to be dangerous. I don't think it would be very wise to try to reason with someone who has clearly proven that reason and rationality is beyond them. She should at least try to talk to other people and try to get the police involved. In the case of your sister, yes, it didn't work out, but that's not to say that this time, with this situation, it might just help things.

Thanks Francis, but I'm not religious. God is very much my friend, we respect and love one another, and I have a special relationship with him, but I am not in any way religious. I don't feel obligated to forgive my father, but I do feel obligated to help myself heal and when I say forgive it is merely because there isn't any better word right now to describe the process of letting go, while still acknowledging the existence of, the wrongs done to you by others. Forgiveness does not necessarily have to carry religious implications and in this case it most definitely is a rational choice. I've thought about this logically, emotionally, weighed all my options, factored in what I know about myself and what I know I need to be healthy, and decided that it was in my emotional and mental health's interest to find a way to move on from this. I do not repress my feelings. I've done so in the past, but found it to be a very unhealthy way to live. I now choose every day to feel things fully, even painful things, because I've found that it is only when we allow our fears, pain, and anger to be fully experienced that we are able to then let them go. So perhaps I've answered my own question. Perhaps I should just allow myself to feel all the anger towards my father (while monitoring it's effect on my internal and external life to ensure it is not negatively effecting myself or my actions) until I've fully experienced it all. I would guess this could take awhile as I've got a lot to be angry with him for, but once I've experienced it fully I no longer have to hold onto any part of it.

You've got to tell all your friends (especially those who know him so they can know who he really is and stop telling him anything about you), tell as many people as you possibly can who know you or him, tell all your family, tell a counselor and finally tell the police everything. The more people who are aware of what is going on the better. I understand why you are afraid, but you've got to stand up and stop taking this from him. Get help from the police and a restraining order. It's time to take charge of your life and make things change for you. No one on this planet has the right to make you live in constant fear.

You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, and loving woman. Any man who sees anything less than that is not worth your time. When someone loves you they treat you with respect. They support you in all that you do. They make you feel wonderful and pretty and they bring out the best in you. He was abusive. You should be patting yourself on the back for valuing your life and your children's lives enough to get rid of him. A lot of women don't. A big hug to you for being so brave and so strong. Naturally it's going to hurt for a while, but you can make it through that with good support inside and outside of yourself. Remember: No matter how much it may hurt now you cannot let him back in your life until you have verifiable proof that he is a changed man. Were you to do this, you'd be taking a giant step back in your own personal growth and progress. You already have and I believe you will continue to do the right thing for yourself and your children because of the love and strength you have in your heart.

My mother died from cancer when I was 8 leaving my angry, obsessively religious father to raise me and my brother. My father was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to all of us. He never accepted me for who I was and he severely sheltered me from the real world. At 15 I started to rebel, smoked some pot, tried cigarettes, had sex, etc. because I'd been repressed for so long and could no longer deal with the way he treated me. I continued to rebel, crying out for attention, love, and support. Right around the time I turned 17 my father met and prepared to marry his fourth wife and decided that I was too much of a hassle to take care of anymore. He came down to my room one day, handed me a twenty dollar bill, and told me to pack whatever I could and be gone before the end of the day. Being so sheltered and unloved I was totally unprepared for the world out there. I had to leave school without graduating and ran off to the closest city (we lived in a fairly small town) and did the only thing I knew to do, got a job and kept that job. I was so emotionally damaged that I quickly became the victim of abusive boyfriends, drug and alcohol abuse, and homelessness. I felt empty, hurt, totally rejected, unloved, and scared most of the time. I let people and a lot of men rape, abuse, and use me and I continued on this destructive path for another 4 years because I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to. And the one person who was supposed to love me didn't; at least not unconditionally. I'm doing very well these days. I've worked my butt off to make my life better, to deal with the hurt, and to learn to love myself. But I'm still angry at my father. And I know that I probably made some bad decisions, but I did these things because I hurt so bad and I hurt so bad because of him so I still blame him for the horrible things I had to see and experience as a child, a teen, and an adult. I'm still so angry that when I needed my father the very most he sent me away. I want so badly to forgive him so I don't have to carry around this weight. I don't like being angry, I think it's a waste of time and energy, but I can't seem to shake this. I don't necessarily want a relationship with him, but I just need/want to forgive him and get rid of my anger. How do I stop being so angry? How do I forgive him?