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Thread: OCD, dreams triggers, anxiety...

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    OCD, dreams triggers, anxiety...

    I know this is a long post. Iíll put a TLDR at the end for anyone who doesnít want to read the whole thing (TLDR=Too long, didnít read.)

    I have OCD, clinically diagnosed. I was in therapy for about 5 years until very recently when my therapist retired. A lot of people don't understand this disorder. People think it's all about cleanliness, even numbers, etc. I suppose it is that for some people but not for me. Intrusive thoughts are more my thing.

    So anyway, back in 2006 I had the worst episode of anxiety/depression of my life. I was married at the time and I kept having dreams about my husband getting killed in car accidents and stuff. And it didn't help that his car had a gas leak and he was driving around smoking in the car knowing this. His attitude about it was "Well if I die I die."

    Last night I was sitting outside with my girlfriend and she was telling me about the time someone pulled a gun on her. Her job is a job that requires going to people's houses. She's a martial artist. She can take care of herself. And she used to teach a women's self-defense class. Sheís kind of a badass. So hearing that story didn't really get to me as much as it would some people.

    Then last night I had this dream where her and I were at this large shopping center kind of place and we ran into some people she knows. She didn't introduce me and acted like I wasn't even standing there. (This is not like her at all. She would never just ignore me in that situation.) And then there was this explosion on the other side of the building and everyone was panicking. In all the chaos we got separated. As I was running out of the building another explosion went off a little closer this time. And then outside the fire department is there, there are people who are injured being treated, etc, and I couldn't find her anywhere. My phone wasn't working so I couldn't call her. I just walked away from all this and started walking home. And I ran into someone I know who had a laptop with him. I asked him if I could use his laptop thinking maybe I could try to call her on Facebook. I tried doing this but for some reason I couldn't get to her profile to call her. And then somehow my phone works again and I'm talking to my Mom. And my Mom was asking if I was alright, but I was panicking at this time and crying because I didn't know if she got out ok, etc. And then suddenly I realized this isn't really happening. I had that moment of relief that we all do when waking up from a bad dream. But then I just couldn't shake it. I kept thinking about this and I couldn't go back to sleep.

    So by the time my alarm went off I was pretty much having a panic attack. I decided I couldn't go to work like this. I was shaking. I felt like I was going to throw up, etc. And in the middle of all this, I am sitting at the table downstairs trying to collect myself and she came down to use the bathroom. I told her not to worry about me and to just go back to sleep.

    I kept trying to tell myself the universe is not that cruel. After everything I've been through in my life, she won't be taken away from me so soon, etc. But then I remembered the last time I told myself the universe isn't that cruel, the exact thing I said wouldn't happen happened. I also keep reminding myself that she didn't actually die in the dream that I'm aware of.

    Honestly, though, I am more worried about having another depressive episode like I had in 2006 than I am about anything happening to her. Of course, I would be devastated if something happened to her. But I know that's the less likely of the two. I am more likely to get really depressed and have a bad time for a while over this than she is likely to have something bad happen to her.

    I watched a movie and forced myself to go back to sleep. When I woke up she had already left for work. She sent me a text telling me to feel better. I told her I would and I said donít worry about my crazy ass while youíre at work. She told me she would try not to and told me to be lazy and rest today. Iím kind of glad she was gone when I woke up because I just didnít want her to see me this way. I still havenít decided if I will even tell her about what triggered this. She could help me feel better or she might realize how nuts I really am and want to run for the hills. I warned her when she first started pursuing me that I have some serious mental problems. She has always said itís not anything she canít handle. But she has also never seen me during a really bad time either.

    I just hope I can bounce back easily from this one and it doesnít take over my life for weeks like these incidents have in the past. This always seems to happen at a happy time in my life too. When I was a kid if something made me happy it was taken away from me. My parents were miserable people and wanted me to be just as miserable. So as an adult I think subconsciously I am hardwired to not get too happy.

    Anyway, I know this is a long post, I am just looking for some support. Iím here alone trying to process all this. And do you guys think I should tell her? Thanks for reading.

    TLDR; I had a dream about something bad happening to my SO. Woke up and had a panic attack. I am clinically diagnosed with OCD and I am really worried this will be something I fixate on for a while.
    Last edited by Cynder; 10-21-2020 at 12:16 PM. Reason: formatting

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am sorry, my husband is clinically diagnosed with OCD as well, but has been remarkably better for some time now with the correct meds and therapy.

    Most likely everything will be perfectly fine. I know this doesnít help when the mind is in a spiral. ( I have diagnosed PTSD, panic disorder and anxiety)

    Try to do something today that you enjoy.

    Can you get a new therapist?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I am sorry, my husband is clinically diagnosed with OCD as well, but has been remarkably better for some time now with the correct meds and therapy.

    Most likely everything will be perfectly fine. I know this doesnít help when the mind is in a spiral. ( I have diagnosed PTSD, panic disorder and anxiety)

    Try to do something today that you enjoy.

    Can you get a new therapist?

    I've been doing really well for a long time now. Years, even. I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms. But sometimes stuff like this just happens. I remember telling someone once that OCD is like trying to navigate your way through a dark place while snipers are on the loose and you know you could be shot any second. Meds have helped a lot. Meditation has been a big one for me as well. And even though it's controversial and some people here might judge, the therapeutic use of psychedelics has been life changing for me.

    I am going to look into finding a new therapist. I was really hoping I was strong enough to go without therapy. I saw this as kind of a test. As an absolute last resort I still have my old therapist's email address. She told me to contact her if there's ever a crisis where I really need to talk to someone.

    I'm probably going to paint today, since that's the thing I love most.

    Do you think I should tell her? You being the SO of someone with OCD, would you want to know?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    I've been doing really well for a long time now. Years, even. I have developed a lot of coping mechanisms. But sometimes stuff like this just happens. I remember telling someone once that OCD is like trying to navigate your way through a dark place while snipers are on the loose and you know you could be shot any second. Meds have helped a lot. Meditation has been a big one for me as well. And even though it's controversial and some people here might judge, the therapeutic use of psychedelics has been life changing for me.

    I am going to look into finding a new therapist. I was really hoping I was strong enough to go without therapy. I saw this as kind of a test. As an absolute last resort I still have my old therapist's email address. She told me to contact her if there's ever a crisis where I really need to talk to someone.

    I'm probably going to paint today, since that's the thing I love most.
    1 wouldnít look at it as a last resort. Even if we have physical ailments we need to address them. What is the alternative? It is the lessor of two evils more or less.

    Have a great day painting .

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    1 wouldnít look at it as a last resort. Even if we have physical ailments we need to address them. What is the alternative? It is the lessor of two evils more or less.

    Have a great day painting .
    Do you think I should tell her what triggered this?

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    I would tell her since she's already clued in that you were feeling unwell. I'm sorry about the nightmare!

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Do you think I should tell her what triggered this?
    As an SO, I would respect whatever you need to do for yourself in order to deal with it. It sounds to me like this is exactly how she is dealing with this.

    So, tell her if you want or don't if you don't want.

    Ask yourself this - is talking about it going to make you feel better and put an end to this OR is it going to make you think about it more and more, until it gets out of control?

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cynder
    Do you think I should tell her what triggered this?
    I would. She sounds empathetic.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cynder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    As an SO, I would respect whatever you need to do for yourself in order to deal with it. It sounds to me like this is exactly how she is dealing with this.

    So, tell her if you want or don't if you don't want.

    Ask yourself this - is talking about it going to make you feel better and put an end to this OR is it going to make you think about it more and more, until it gets out of control?

    Right now I think the best thing to do is if she asks, tell her but don't go into detail. She doesn't need to know every single detail of the dream, etc. But I think I should probably tell her about what happened back in 2006 because that's what's driving a lot of the anxiety I am feeling now. It's not so much that I'm afraid something bad will happen to her. I'm more afraid of a repeat of 2006 with my ex husband. Of course my ex did nothing to help the situation at all. He continued driving around and smoking in a car that was leaking gas and he laughed at me for being so worried. The whole thing was just a big joke to him. I doubt she would react that way. She has some issues too. We both grew up in really dysfunctional homes. We also have both lost people we were close to. We've both been in and out of therapy most of our adult lives, etc. I think she would actually get it. But I don't want to go into every little detail about it if she asks.

    Also, I keep reminding myself that I've had really bad dreams before. I've dreamt that my whole family was killed. I've dreamt that I was involved in a shooting at a Night Club (And it was a real club that I used to be a regular at at the time I dreamt this.) I've dreamt about being sexually assaulted. I also dreamt once that I was hiking with my bf at the time and he fell off a cliff and died. And nothing bad has ever happened following a bad dream, ever. Most of the time they happen when things in my life are going pretty well, even.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I had daily nightmares like the one you had every single night all night long for 35 years because PTSD. I didnít tell my husband all the time because that would be overkill. But I did when I woke screaming.

    I think it is ok once in a while. It builds emotional intimacy.

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