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Thread: How to get my ex back a second time

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You've already asked to talk more, OP. She said no.

    I'm not sure you can do anything more.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hydroappa
    She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

    One of the things I am working on is becoming a more forgiving person. I have never been able to forgive easily both inside and outside the relationship. I also realized there was a lot of other things outside of the relationship that I wasnt addressing so I didnt understand my emotions and just blamed it all on that.
    I think you'd be wise to approach this all from a different angle.

    Though I don't quite know what "exclusive but not official" means, that would be a tough thing for a lot of people to deal with: someone saying they're only with you, then being with someone else. Easy enough to forgive—humans are humans, and so on—but forgiveness doesn't mean proceeding. Sometimes it's the very opposite: it means accepting that you can't proceed and be the kind, open person you need to be.

    I think you proceeded into something without being comfortable, so that tension was baked into your foundation and remains part of your connection. Think of it like you're building a home, but there's a bubble in the concrete when you lay the foundation. You know it's there, think it's fine, or at least manageable: something that will be fine in time. But every time you walk across one section of the house you feel a dip in the floor. Annoying. Years pass, more foot traffic, and the dip is a bit worse. Really annoying. You try this, you try that, but a foundation is a foundation, and that one is broken. Makes for a house that never quite feels like a home.

    Point being, this just isn't something you can "work on" and "fix" together. It's too deep, cemented by history. You've tried. And tried and tried. Yet the resentment (the bubble) isn't going anywhere. Sure, you can look back at some of your behavior and wish you were softer, less angry—and exploring those reactions, and tempering them, is great. But it's also worth looking back and seeing that you need a different kind of foundation.

    You can't rewrite history. So one of the people you need to work on forgiving is yourself: for wading into something that wasn't quite in your wheelhouse for building a solid foundation, and for taking that out on her periodically.

    All that will serve you well with future connections, something I know you can't even contemplate right now while you're hyper-focused on her. Still, I think a lot of that focus is ego-driven, a way of "winning" what you've "lost," and thus not having to do the real heavy lifting of forgiveness: of her, of you. Besides, she is not even open to reconciliation right now. She wants space. She wants quiet. Finding ways to subvert that is really just planting the seeds for more resentment, you know?

    It's hard, I know. Been in these shoes plenty, as have most. Focus on some of these big ideas—cultivating forgiveness, accepting what you can't control—and you will find the reward within that, right now, you think only she can provide.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Hydroappa
    She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

    One of the things I am working on is becoming a more forgiving person. I have never been able to forgive easily both inside and outside the relationship. I also realized there was a lot of other things outside of the relationship that I wasnt addressing so I didnt understand my emotions and just blamed it all on that.
    I don't think you are alone in not been able to forgive a b/g/friend hooking up ....you split up over it once and you should have just walked away then . Once you lost the relationship this became a secondry issue , but once you had her back it wasn't , it reared its ugly head again ...because you can't forgive it , and that's ok ...how many times can you go round and round like this ...you lose her and all is forgiven , you get her back and realise those feelings of resentment are still there ....

    Working on yourself to be more forgiving and meditating is wonderful for the soul regardless , but don't try and become someone you are not ... hooking up with someone else kills many a relationship and very few can just forget it and let it go .

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