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Thread: A Perfect Guy that I Constantly Question

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    But it sounds like "just not feeling it" is the thing you overlooked in order to get in it. Which, hey, happens. Just like people end up in unsustainable relationships solely because of outstanding sex, others end up in unsustainable relationships because everything was so "good on paper" that it was inconceivable that you might not be good together. While it's tough, it's really only as mysterious as you choose to make it, and that mystery tends to increase the longer we stay in things that aren't quite firing the right cylinders.

    I'm a pretty grounded dude. None of my longterm relationships have been built on a mushroom cloud of crazy—well, one was, but I was 26!—but they've all required that "spark" to function. Over time it may fade in and out, change shape a bit, but it's never in question, and 6 months in? It's generally hot enough to keep you warm in the tundra. If it's not? Well, that's a problem that none of the "on paper" stuff can solve.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by benwyatt
    Thank you for sharing your experience! It's nice knowing that I'm not alone in this kind of stuff because it can be frustrating and maybe even scary, which itself speaks to so many other things. This idea of "just not feeling it" is so foreign to me that I don't know what to do! Eek! <3
    Well it doesn't matter if it's a new feeling -all that matters is if you need to feel that spark in order to have a committed, long term romantic relationship with him. I assume most people do and I assume there are exceptions (like people who are technically in a romantic relationship like a marriage but just for convenience or where both people are cool with having sex with each other and being a couple without feeling a spark - I don't know I would assume there's always an exception). What to do? Step one, decide whether you need to feel a spark in this situation. Be honest with yourself. My sense is after this amount of time if you're not feeling it it is doubtful you will unless something drastic changes. If the answer is yes then he is not perfect for you. If the answer is that settling for no spark is worth the benefits you get out of being with him then be honest with him about your feelings for him and if he is ok with that sort of relationship it's all good.

    The analysis isn't about pro or con list or "finding a deabreaker" - the dealbreaker would be that you don't feel a spark.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by benwyatt
    Great great point you make sure! I don't want the chaos but do seek that "spark!" It's a struggle to know where the balance lies!
    You also referred to it as `crazy in love.

    There are all sorts of loves. Each one is different. Only you will know, but I will tell you from experience, those who I had that `crazy love' feelings, they were not my best choices. I was blinded by the high of crazy and when it died down, I saw what I was left with. I will take the `slow and steady' any day now.

    Good Luck with whatever you decide.

  4. #24
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    Yes - if you want to be crazy in love where you feel insecure and yearn/long/feel that it's a challenge to get the guy to notice you, to pay attention to you -that's more about the thrill of the chase than wanting to feel a click, a spark that separates the platonic from the romantic - I used to call the spark "friendship caught on fire".

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