Moving too fast? Help!

I have been in a relationship for 9 months and things have been pretty good. But lately, I found myself pushing myself onto him and his family a little too much. Wanting to always be around them and buying things for them. Yes we talked about having a future, getting married, having kids but i think that I am somewhat pushing it. I have been feeling hurt for the past couple days about it for always being like this in every relationship, giving too much putting out too much. Yes i know he loves me and treats me well and sometimes i can be a bit paranoid. When he mentions to me not to buy anything for his mom for Mothers Day, he says its "too soon", that had me thinking.. Whats really happening here.?

Me and his mom are friends, we talk on the phone and get along well.. I have taken a step back and is trying to act normal and talk less about marriage and kids. We are 39&40. So thats why that talk about settling down have been on the rush side of things..

please advice me. I don't want to seem desperate and pushy!

Oh yes, slow down! I bet you are becoming annoying to him if you are as pushy as you describe. Back off. Take a few steps back, not just one.

He is definitely trying to send you the message to slow down.

You say you can be paranoid sometimes, so I am wondering if this compulsion to be around him and his family and buy things for them all the time is your way of trying to soothe yourself. You also mention you have been feeling hurt the past couple days, so what happened a couple days ago that has you feeling like this? Is that when he suggested it's too soon to buy his mom something for mother's day?

Also, who is bringing up marriage and kids - you or him? My guess is that is more you. Have you been asking him when he wants to get married, or?

Oh yes, slow down! I bet you are becoming annoying to him if you are as pushy as you describe. Back off. Take a few steps back, not just one.

Ah yes...! I wish it was easy as it sounds!

Ask yourself this: are you pushing for a future, marriage and kids because you really and truly believe that he is The One, or is it because you are afraid you are running out of time? There is a big difference between choosing someone who is Mr. Right vs choosing someone who is Mr. Right Now.

If you are rushing/pushing for marriage and kids out of fear that you are getting older, the biological clock is ticking away, and you are running out of time, then you are not moving forward with this man for the right reasons. It's clear that you desire marriage, but you should also desire and strive for a successful marriage with someone who is compatible with yourself. This means that you should both be on the same page when it comes to the important subject matters in life: family, finances, religion, life goals, etc. If you are seriously considering marriage with one another, it is extremely important that you discuss and agree upon these very important topics. Too often when we rush, we forget or we brush over the things that will really matter in the long-run. Doing this runs the risk that when we are eventually forced to confront these things in marriage, a spouse may not agree, which can prove devastating to a marital relationship.

My best advice to you is to not force a timeline on yourself. Instead, focus on your relationship as a whole and really find out if this is a good fit for the two of you. It's fine to buy gifts and to do nice things for others, but don't do so at the cost of building up resentment that you are "giving too much". No one is forcing you to give anything, you are putting this stress on yourself needlessly.

He is definitely trying to send you the message to slow down.

 

You say you can be paranoid sometimes, so I am wondering if this compulsion to be around him and his family and buy things for them all the time is your way of trying to soothe yourself. You also mention you have been feeling hurt the past couple days, so what happened a couple days ago that has you feeling like this? Is that when he suggested it's too soon to buy his mom something for mother's day?

 

Also, who is bringing up marriage and kids - you or him? My guess is that is more you. Have you been asking him when he wants to get married, or?

I realized that he is trying to send me that msg to "slow down", believe me, i am now starting to try to move slow

I think buying things for people in general is my obsessive way of showing I care. But that needs to stop, I am going over board with this guy.

Yes its when he said it's too soon for the mothers day gift. That had me thinking differently.

Well now i have realized it has been more me. I am the one who has been pushing alot of the talk and trying to get settled soon. He talks about it to and says our kids will have this or our kids will be like that but not that often. And says in time things will fall into place. But after the mothers day incident i realize to myself i have been rushing alot. I NEED TO STOP. But i am always like this. I have anxiety and need to relax sometimes.

Ask yourself this: are you pushing for a future, marriage and kids because you really and truly believe that he is The One, or is it because you are afraid you are running out of time? There is a big difference between choosing someone who is Mr. Right vs choosing someone who is Mr. Right Now.

 

If you are rushing/pushing for marriage and kids out of fear that you are getting older, the biological clock is ticking away, and you are running out of time, then you are not moving forward with this man for the right reasons. It's clear that you desire marriage, but you should also desire and strive for a successful marriage with someone who is compatible with yourself. This means that you should both be on the same page when it comes to the important subject matters in life: family, finances, religion, life goals, etc. If you are seriously considering marriage with one another, it is extremely important that you discuss and agree upon these very important topics. Too often when we rush, we forget or we brush over the things that will really matter in the long-run. Doing this runs the risk that when we are eventually forced to confront these things in marriage, a spouse may not agree, which can prove devastating to a marital relationship.

 

My best advice to you is to not force a timeline on yourself. Instead, focus on your relationship as a whole and really find out if this is a good fit for the two of you. It's fine to buy gifts and to do nice things for others, but don't do so at the cost of building up resentment that you are "giving too much". No one is forcing you to give anything, you are putting this stress on yourself needlessly.

He makes me think I am giving too much :( Maybe he is not accustom to all the gifts and special treatment?

How do I move slow? or how do I take a few steps back?

He makes me think I am giving too much :( Maybe he is not accustom to all the gifts and special treatment?

If that's the case, you need to work on your communication with him. That is also a very important element you will need to master in order to have a successful marriage, communication. Instead of guessing what he means when he says "don't buy anything for my mother on Mother's Day, it's too soon" you need to ask him what he means by that statement. It may have nothing at all to do with him believing that you give too much.

If that's the case, you need to work on your communication with him. That is also a very important element you will need to master in order to have a successful marriage, communication. Instead of guessing what he means when he says "don't buy anything for my mother on Mother's Day, it's too soon" you need to ask him what he means by that statement. It may have nothing at all to do with him believing that you give too much.

You are right, I know what he means. Exactly what he said... "too soon"/moving too fast.. we have excellent communication but I know am pushing it. I need help to step back and not make it seem i am NOT moving weird or distant!

How do I move slow? or how do I take a few steps back?

Whatever you're doing now, do the opposite.

Like say, if you're doing all the texting/calling/initiating, stop. Give him the opportunity to step up.

It's much easier than you think assuming you have a full life outside of him. If you don't, take steps to cultivate one.

Also, just knowing that you're annoying him (and turning him off) when you push, should be incentive enough to stop, don't you think?

Want him to start pushing for more? Leave him alone, I'm serious.

Let him wonder about you a bit, let him miss you!!

This means backing off and doing your own thing.

Learn to manage your anxieties (I do yoga, go for short runs) so you're not compulsively texting, calling, etc.

It takes some emotional strength to do this, combined with plain ole common sense.

You continue pushing for more? You push him right out that proverbial door.

Your choice.

You can do it!!

How do I move slow? or how do I take a few steps back?

By not focusing on the very limited topics you are obsessing over in your relationship (marriage, kids, settling down). By discussing other, highly important topics that will test your actual compatibility with one another (family, finances, religion, life goals, etc). For example, besides marriage and kids, where do you both see yourselves in 10 years? What do you want to be doing, what will your career goals be at that time, what will bring you fulfillment? If the only common ground the two of you share right now is having children, that is a very worrisome red flag. Kids eventually grow up and move away, then what? It's important that the two of you have similar life goals you can share in your lives together.

Whatever you're doing now, do the opposite.

 

Like say, if you're doing all the initiating, stop. Give him the opportunity to step up.

 

It's much easier than you think assuming you have a full life outside of him. If you don't, take steps to cultivate one.

 

Also, just knowing that you're annoying him (and turning him off) when you push, should be incentive enough to stop, don't you think?

 

Want him to start pushing for more? Leave him alone, I'm serious.

 

Let him wonder about you a bit, let him miss you

 

This means backing off and doing your own thing.

 

Learn to manage your anxieties (I do yoga, go for short runs) so you're not compulsively texting, calling, etc.

 

It takes some emotional strength to do this, combined with plain ole common sense.

 

You continue pushing for more? You push him right out that proverbial door.

 

Your choice.

 

You can do it!!

Thank you! Yes I am leaving him to initiate things. Trust me, I don't want to seem clingy and obsessed in a way where he starts taking advantage of it and my kindness. Its easy to get carried away and start using people for what you can get from them. Im trying. I have already stopped talking about marriage. Didn't mention it since the mothers day incident.

By not focusing on the very limited topics you are obsessing over in your relationship (marriage, kids, settling down). By discussing other, highly important topics that will test your actual compatibility with one another (family, finances, religion, life goals, etc). For example, besides marriage and kids, where do you both see yourselves in 10 years? What do you want to be doing, what will your career goals be at that time, what will bring you fulfillment? If the only common ground the two of you share right now is having children, that is a very worrisome red flag. Kids eventually grow up and move away, then what? It's important that the two of you have similar life goals you can share in your lives together.

True you have a point. But no our conversations are not only based on that. We talk about fixing and building a home, strengthening mine/his career. We talk alot, all day, everyday. And meet couple times a week. We have a wonderful relation but its only after the mothers day incident had me thinking differently. That maybe I am getting a bit carried away

I read somewhere (can't remember) that men need a certain amount of distance (both emotional and physical ) to fall in love. Truly fall in love, like 100% gaga fall in love.

And women need togetherness to fall in love..

That is quite a dichotomy, yin and yang I suppose.

But it's been true in literally all my serious relationships, including my current.

Inserting a small amount of space and distance into your relationship is the magic glue that will keep him excited about you, coming back for more, him pushing for more!

Not saying that's true for all men, but from the sound of things, hinting he needs you to back off, he sounds like one of those men.

If you're unable to do this, allow some distance and space into your relationship, you may simply be incompatible.

Something to consider anyway.

Spend energy cultivating outside interests and learning to "let go."

You will both be happier for it!!

I dont think we are not compatible, because when i keep distance he ask me whats wrong or says he misses me. But it has clearly been stated that I am moving too fast. So i know i need to get a life and back off

Thanks katrina1980, I hope I do learn to "let go"

I meant incompatible in that regard. Him needing more space, you needing more togetherness.

Yeah, try backing off. Let him step up, put forth some effort.

In short, just chill!

I meant incompatible in that regard. Him needing more space, you needing more togetherness.

 

Yeah, try backing off. Let him step up, put forth some effort.

 

In short, just chill!

haha.. Im chilling... Do you know what I do to? I constantly compliment him... post him... Show him in so many ways I love him.. Only recently it dawned on me that he doesn't do the same ANYMORE!

Why should he? You give him no incentive to! You're doing it all.

It's been said people appreciate things more when they have to "work" for them a bit. This is true for both men and women in my experience.

You're not allowing him to do any work, again you're doing it all, and then some.

He's become complacent, bored, meh.

So remind yourself of these things next time you're tempted to text, call, buy him gifts, compliment him, discuss where your relationship is going, etc, otherwise you may find yourself no longer in a relationship!

Why should he? You give him no incentive to! You're doing it all.

 

It's been said people appreciate things more when they have to "work" for them a bit. This is true for both men and women in my experience.

 

You're not allowing him to do any work, again you're doing it all, and then some.

 

He's become complacent, bored, meh.

 

So remind yourself of these things next time you're tempted to text, call, buy him gifts, compliment him, discuss where your relationship is going, etc, otherwise you may find yourself no longer in a relationship!

I really do think he has become complacent!!! you are right!!!! I will stop doing special things and make him work

I really do think he has become complacent!!! you are right!!!! I will stop doing special things and make him work

Remember it's a balance.

If you pull too far back, that's not good either!

Try to find the right balance between space and togetherness, and you may be able to turn this around.

Best of luck!

remember it's a balance.

 

If you pull too far back, that's not good either!

 

Try to find the right balance between space and togetherness, and you may be able to turn this around.

 

Best of luck!

thank you!!!!

When he mentions to me not to buy anything for his mom for Mothers Day, he says its "too soon", I don't want to seem desperate and pushy!

I can totally understand where he's coming from. You are only dating for a short time. Not even engaged and buying a Mothers Day gift is just overstepping the line a little (imo). Too much, too soon. He's right.

I get the impression that you try to "buy" peoples' love by buying them gifts all the time.

You say you're like this in every relationship - giving too much and putting in too much. Perhaps it's time to look into professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out WHY and where this is all coming from.

Just to add a slightly different angle to things...

From what you're writing here it doesn't sound like these caring gestures are really for him, but for you. To feel better about the relationship, to have eyes on him, to keep the paranoia at bay, to get him to step up, step in, and so on.

I'm not saying you don't care about him—you clearly do—but that in making anxiety the trigger for gestures of affection you risk making them insincere. People can sense insincerity, and it tends to overshadow the gesture.

Think of the man who is a lousy bf but then, when his gf leaves him, he is suddenly delivering flowers daily. The gf (assuming she's remotely secure) sees that for what it is: an insincere, ego-based gesture, the bf looking to do something to make his own pain and insecurity go away. Well, you're kind of doing a subtler version of that inside the relationship.

So per Katrina's advice, take that anxiety and put it somewhere else. A yoga class, a run. A massage, a glass of wine. Something for you, since that's largely what you're doing anyhow—trying to quell your nerves by triggering a response in him.

In my experience, when I get even a whiff of someone using kindness to illicit something from me I go very cold very quickly. Why? Because I don't really feel it has anything to do with me, or connected to someone thinking I'm special or really seeing me as special. Because how can they see me through the fog of their own anxiety, you know? I end up feeling like a mirror to anxiety or a salve to it, and in the process I don't feel much like me and I need to get away to reclaim myself.

Anxiety is basically a form of selfishness—the mind spinning in a way where you become bigger than you are, where the only thing that exists are your feelings, your fears. It's totally human—we're pretty selfish creatures, at our core—so the trick is to indulge that selfishness in a positive way. A yoga class or a run, for instance, are self-serving gestures, but they have the added benefit of burning off those selfish needs so there's room to really connect.

Just a slightly different way of thinking about it, instead of making it a game of giving gifts and withholding gifts.