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Thread: My family is abandoning me two months before my wedding

  1. #1

    My family is abandoning me two months before my wedding

    So here is some background. I grew up in a domestic abuse household where we had to grow up quick to try and protect my mom from getting beat and then from us getting beat by both my parents. I am the middle child and have a constant need to please everyone. I have worked really hard to become successful and so became a medical professional opened my clinic I the last month. Have a relationship for the last 16 yrs with an amazing man whoís life is very normal and calm. My older sister isnít married but she has been on a hunt to find anyone to marry in the last few years going from guy to guy and wanting to marry every one. I got engaged two years ago and postponed my wedding to help make money so that I could pay for it. Fast forward to today and Iím two months away from getting married to a good man, building a home for us, openedmy own clinic and excited to be getting married. My sister recently started dating someone about a year and half ago and she wanted to get married. She hid this guy because heís nothing she was looking for and all of a sudden brought him in and I found out heís going to propose. Anyways he got together with me and my brother where he told us my sister is pushing him to propose before my wedding and she has already started planning her wedding to be fewmonths after mine so he feels he has to do not to disappoint her. We advised him to not just do it because my sister but do it because he wants to right now as well. He spoke to my sister and she demanded a proposal so he proposed over the weekend. He didnít tel us but as soon as we found out my brother and I got balloons a banner and flowers for her to be ready when she called us. She didnít cal my brother and I but only called my parents and then the next day, my sister and parents and his parents all got together for the first time. They are now demanding that I have to invite her in laws everywhere and said if I donít they want me to cancel the pre wedding events held at my parents houseas they donít want it if they canít call my sisters in-laws. I feel hurt and betrayed that they didnít tell us firstly and then went to get together with the other family without us bug demanding things from me. I also found out that her fiancť now has been complaining about my brother and I and causing a rift between my family and I. What should I do? My family are the type to berate me in front of my in-laws for my sister as theyíve always had a soft spot for her as she was the first born and they didnít have marital problems during her time but only after I was born. Iím feeling helpless as I feel like I donít want her in laws there nor her fiancť because of all that he has caused but I also know if theyíre there my parents will be wanting them to be everywhere in the front the whole time and it wonít be about what I want anymore. By the way theyíre not paying anything I have paid for everyoneís outfits and everything (Over 6000 in clothes ) the only thing they were doing is allowing me to have one of my pre event ceremonies at home. Any advice? My father has threatened to throw my clothes out including my wedding outfits but I canít go home as I know it will only get worse.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Confused8p
    So here is some background. I grew up in a domestic abuse household where we had to grow up quick to try and protect my mom from getting beat and then from us getting beat by both my parents. I am the middle child and have a constant need to please everyone. I have worked really hard to become successful and so became a medical professional opened my clinic I the last month. Have a relationship for the last 16 yrs with an amazing man whoís life is very normal and calm. My older sister isnít married but she has been on a hunt to find anyone to marry in the last few years going from guy to guy and wanting to marry every one. I got engaged two years ago and postponed my wedding to help make money so that I could pay for it. Fast forward to today and Iím two months away from getting married to a good man, building a home for us, openedmy own clinic and excited to be getting married. My sister recently started dating someone about a year and half ago and she wanted to get married. She hid this guy because heís nothing she was looking for and all of a sudden brought him in and I found out heís going to propose. Anyways he got together with me and my brother where he told us my sister is pushing him to propose before my wedding and she has already started planning her wedding to be fewmonths after mine so he feels he has to do not to disappoint her. We advised him to not just do it because my sister but do it because he wants to right now as well. He spoke to my sister and she demanded a proposal so he proposed over the weekend. He didnít tel us but as soon as we found out my brother and I got balloons a banner and flowers for her to be ready when she called us. She didnít cal my brother and I but only called my parents and then the next day, my sister and parents and his parents all got together for the first time. They are now demanding that I have to invite her in laws everywhere and said if I donít they want me to cancel the pre wedding events held at my parents houseas they donít want it if they canít call my sisters in-laws. I feel hurt and betrayed that they didnít tell us firstly and then went to get together with the other family without us bug demanding things from me. I also found out that her fiancť now has been complaining about my brother and I and causing a rift between my family and I. What should I do? My family are the type to berate me in front of my in-laws for my sister as theyíve always had a soft spot for her as she was the first born and they didnít have marital problems during her time but only after I was born. Iím feeling helpless as I feel like I donít want her in laws there nor her fiancť because of all that he has caused but I also know if theyíre there my parents will be wanting them to be everywhere in the front the whole time and it wonít be about what I want anymore. By the way theyíre not paying anything I have paid for everyoneís outfits and everything (Over 6000 in clothes ) the only thing they were doing is allowing me to have one of my pre event ceremonies at home. Any advice? My father has threatened to throw my clothes out including my wedding outfits but I canít go home as I know it will only get worse.
    Itís okay to be selfish sometimes especially when itís you and your fiancťs big day. Also donít try to please everyone itíll only make you less happy. Let go of the toxic people in your life.

    I would cut your father out my life immediately after. Itís a tough situation but in my opinion you need distance yourself from these people and keep low low low contact with them.

    Whatís more important than family?
    Yourself especially when family acts like yours.

  3. #3
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    Focus on your own wedding.
    Your sister is trying to make it about her.

    I do think that if your sister and her fiance had been engaged awhile ago, it would be nice to invite his parents to a few things as family friends/guests of your parents but at this point, its up to you who comes to the wedding and rehearsal and if they have not been invited, they should not be.

    I would go to your parents home and take your wedding clothes and put them at your fiance's house or his parent's house or your maid of honor's house - do it when they are not home if you are worried - or make an excuse like you need something adjusted at the seamstresses.

    I would not cut your family out of your life - just set boundaries. Only see them when you meet them for dinner outside of your home, or when you have another event right after - ie, a limited time frame or where there is a buffer - an aunt they always are on their best behavior in front of, your fiance, etc. That way they don't realize you are distancing yourself and you have peace

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Focus on your own wedding.
    Your sister is trying to make it about her.

    I would not cut your family out of your life - just set boundaries. Only see them when you meet them for dinner outside of your home, or when you have another event right after - ie, a limited time frame or where there is a buffer - an aunt they always are on their best behavior in front of, your fiance, etc. That way they don't realize you are distancing yourself and you have peace
    Second this.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Focus on the joy and preparation for your wedding/marriage. Attend premarital counselling. Make sure your guest is includes only people who will share your
    day with you. Surely you realize growing up in an abusive environment creates a divisive environment and your sister did not come out unscathed nor did your family dynamics or relationship with her. Stay out of her love life. Stop judging her. Her bf is her problem, not yours. Why are you inviting an man who beat your mother? Why bother inviting your sister's bf's family? You really would benefit from therapy to learn appropriate boundaries and get out of martyr mode.
    Originally Posted by Confused8p
    he got together with me and my brother where he told us my sister is pushing him to propose before my wedding and she has already started planning her wedding to be fewmonths after mine so he feels he has to do not to disappoint her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't see any competition going on. It only sounds like you're jealous of your sister and appearing rather unattractive worrying about your sister's happiness or choice in partner. They're together. What does it matter to you? So what if they're in the front with the photos. You're blood relatives whether you like it or not so, in my mind, if you're going to hold a family affair, it's only logical that your immediate family is there in the front lines with you. I'm not sure why you can't be happy for her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't see any competition going on. It only sounds like you're jealous of your sister and appearing rather unattractive worrying about your sister's happiness or choice in partner. They're together. What does it matter to you? So what if they're in the front with the photos. You're blood relatives whether you like it or not so, in my mind, if you're going to hold a family affair, it's only logical that your immediate family is there in the front lines with you. I'm not sure why you can't be happy for her.
    I actually agree with this. I read your post twice and I honestly did not see any legitimate reason that you feel your wedding day is ruined beyond the Ďfavoriteí child ( donít think I didnít notice that slipped in) is getting attention too.

    I think you have some major issues to face regarding your childhood. If your parents were abusive and favored your sister why are you still seeking their approval, it just makes all this come off as you trying to prove yourself rather than enjoy a magical moment between you and your soon to be husband.

    After 16 years let it go with your family, add the random people as guests enjoy the extra gifts itíll bring and and marry the man already... I know it doesnít seem like it now but in the grand scheme of things itís not worth the drama... you sisters trying to one up you, let her, this isnít about her anyway this is about marry the man you love, focus on whatís imporrant.

  9. 04-17-2019, 05:53 AM

  10. 04-18-2019, 03:53 AM



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