Looking for a second opinion

Hi everyone,

I spent some time since my breakup reading the "Getting back together really does happen!" thread and decided to finally make my own post. This will be long, and I apologize in advance, but I feel like in order to have a full understanding of where I am coming from, I have to be detailed in my explanation.

My breakup was just over 2 months ago.

I (22M) was broken up with by my now-ex (20F) of nearly 3 years, and was given the common reason that "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you", i.e. losing feelings for me. She cites compatibility issues to reinforce her decision (my family situation, not currently being back in college [which was always temporary, and will be changing by the end of the year; I'd had to take a couple breaks for financial reasons], arguing a lot towards the end of the relationship) and says we simply can't work, and won't.

I strongly disagree with these reasons, and am puzzled because a number of those reasons were not issues at all while we were together. In fact, she'd shrugged them off as non-issues entirely while we were in the midst of our relationship. At the very least, the issues we had were resolvable in my eyes. Easily resolvable. But she doesn't appear to see it that way.

Even before reading advice forums on breakups to cope, I did my best to limit contact with her, although she did beg that I stay in touch and remain friends with her because she "didn't want to lose me, I was her best friend." Aside from a couple plans we had made prior to our breakup that we agreed to follow through on together, contact outside of social media and text has been extremely minimal. And with social media/text, I've been trying my best to enforce NC/LC, although this itself has been a challenge when we have as many mutual friends as we do. But I have her muted on my socials and wait for her to initiate conversation the vast majority of the time, on the infrequent occasion that it happens at all.

Now, I'm of the opinion that she has a bad case of GIGs. Although I do concede that our arguments were increasingly frequent and largely trivial, I was always willing to reach a middle ground and discuss these things with her. I was not the perfect boyfriend by any stretch; this was my first serious relationship and I was largely going in blind. However I did my absolute best to be understanding, loving and patient with her, and based on her family, our friends, and occasionally even her own comments since our breakup, that did show through. This isn't something that I think I'm in a position to say about myself, but I do like to believe I was a good boyfriend. And everyone else seems to agree.

Back to the GIGs: we've had a few lengthy conversations about the state of our relationship since breaking up. She claims that because she lost feelings for me the relationship wasn't "right" or "meant to be", that she wants what her parents have and she claims that according to them, they "never lost their honeymoon phase." She believes that her losing those feelings, and consequently "falling out of love", is proof that our relationship was never meant to work, and that she'll eventually find someone she loves more than me.

I'm of the opinion that the honeymoon phase is a natural part of any relationship, and as any relationship evolves and becomes long-term that eventually fades and evolves into something different (and based on the advice I've read and received from many happy couples in long-term relationships, they seem to agree with this). I personally believe that change can be jarring or confusing, and that potentially this is what she was dealing with. But I'm not in her head, so I can't know for sure.

But I digress. She's now seeing someone, after spending some time enjoying the single life.

At this point my goal is not to win her back, or even initiate reconciliation. She knows where I stand, I've made it very clear more than once that I am willing to reconcile if she ever makes the move, and now the ball is in her court while I move on with my life.

But...I do want to be with her. More than anything. I truly believe she is the love of my life. There was a point where she said we were soul-mates, she'd never felt this way about another person before. But now she appears to feel differently.

We used to be so close. Incredibly close. At a time it seemed like we were really inseparable. I got to know her family both here and abroad, got close with her sibling (to the point that he's argued with her about breaking up with me and still wants to hang out with me), and her father who isn't normally an overtly sentimental person had even started calling me his "son-in-law". She even says now that I've set the bar incredibly high for anyone she dates in the future, even with her parents.

I suppose I just want a second opinion on whether or not it sounds like, based on my own circumstances, there is a chance we can be together again. I'm absolutely not banking on it, not by any means. I think it's crucial to move forward with it out of my mind (aside from a small comfort and hope), and just focus on bettering myself in the process. But that doesn't make the thought of living the rest of my life without her hurt any less.

I really do hope we can get back together. So knowing that there could be a chance would be nice.

Any advice/opinion is appreciated.

Counting on the honey moon phase to last the entire relationship is probably unwise for the vast majority of long term relationships. She is still quite young (you both are) and she may feel like she wants her freedom while it is still accessible. I would not burn any bridges here because it is possible she will end up wanting you back realizing that she made a mistake....but in the mean time I would weigh your options and if you find someone else you fancy I'd go for it.

If you do in fact end up in another relationship and she asks you to be unfaithful, or tries to get you to break up with that person and go back to her I'd distance myself from her for good.

Yes there is a chance because of the reason you ended it - which makes sense to me because it wasn't about abuse, or addiction, etc and it doesn't sound like the arguments were significant -more of an excuse because basically she perceives herself to be too young to be serious with you before exploring other options. More of a timing thing it seems.

So I would make sure you avoid all contact and make sure your mutual friends know never ever to talk about her to you, not to report what/how she is doing. She knows she can contact you if she changes her mind and if you are still interested and available you'll considering it.

I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years now. We were engaged twice -when we were in our early 30s and again when we were in our early 40s. I basically ended things the first time around because I felt like I'd be settling, I didn't have that spark I wanted, I had the "dream of someone else" (like in the movie You've Got Mail). Here are the reasons getting back together -almost 8 years later worked - first, our breakup was as amicable as possible. Second, we had very limited contact for those 8 years. One brief dinner and one or two emails every year that were mostly impersonal (and a few more when a close relative of mine passed away -he'd known her too). We both changed so that we were then more compatible -he grew in confidence and I became the right person to find the right person -which turned out to be him!

Hope my story helped!

Give it up, dude. You may feel she was the love of your life, but she doesn't. And you can't believe the excuses someone gives you for breaking up when pressed. I think a lot of times the real reason is embedded in a person's sub-conscience and they just can't put it into words, just that their inner voice just says things just aren't working out and to end it. When you force them to come up with reasons, they sort of have to make it up off the top of their heads. You don't have to agree with the reasons they give. You're in denial anyway. Just accept that it's over. That's it. Move on.

You may have read the "Getting back together really does happen!" thread from 2009, but most people on ENA agree that it's best to go No Contact after a break up and to stop torturing yourself and your ex by keeping in contact with them. A lot of women will say they want to keep you as a friend, but women are all about relationships, and they hate losing friends. But again, you can't take literally what someone breaking up with you says to you. They're trying to minimize the pain. When they say at some point we can be friends again, you don't stare at the phone waiting for them to call you to be your friend again. What's best is simply stop contacting them so you can heal and move on. She has a boyfriend now. She's moving on. You need to too.

Thank you to those who have replied so far, your input is appreciated. To DanZee:

Give it up, dude. You may feel she was the love of your life, but she doesn't. And you can't believe the excuses someone gives you for breaking up when pressed. I think a lot of times the real reason is embedded in a person's sub-conscience and they just can't put it into words, just that their inner voice just says things just aren't working out and to end it. When you force them to come up with reasons, they sort of have to make it up off the top of their heads. You don't have to agree with the reasons they give. You're in denial anyway. Just accept that it's over. That's it. Move on.

 

You may have read the "Getting back together really does happen!" thread from 2009, but most people on ENA agree that it's best to go No Contact after a break up and to stop torturing yourself and your ex by keeping in contact with them. A lot of women will say they want to keep you as a friend, but women are all about relationships, and they hate losing friends. But again, you can't take literally what someone breaking up with you says to you. They're trying to minimize the pain. When they say at some point we can be friends again, you don't stare at the phone waiting for them to call you to be your friend again. What's best is simply stop contacting them so you can heal and move on. She has a boyfriend now. She's moving on. You need to too.

With respect, I'm not in denial about anything. In fact, I made it quite clear in the initial post that reconciliation isn't my end-game here. Of course I'd like that to happen, as anyone would in my situation. But I'm not actively pursuing it. Additionally, I didn't press her for these reasons, she volunteered them. I didn't demand an explanation when she broke up with me, nor did I at any point afterwards. These were explanations she offered up to me while discussing things post-breakup.

I have no intention of dwelling on this, as I've already said. I'm already taking steps to move on with my life. That doesn't mean my feelings are suddenly gone though, and of course after being in a loving relationship for a number of years, I would still like to be with that person in the future again, if it is possible. And like others have said, we're both still young. A lot can happen with either of us over the next months and years so nothing is impossible. A little hope isn't unhealthy, either. But for now I'm focusing on myself and my career.

Well, you're still talking about getting back together with her. I say again, give it up, dude. There are other girls out there, stop talking to her, and move on.

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments about? What's up with your families? Unfortunately it sounds like you are arguing about arguing and arguing so much so that now you are even arguing about her reasons to end it.

You need to give her space and go complete no contact and do not "stay friends" or get stuck in her friendzone. Also this started way too young for her (17) and being tied down for way too long. Relax, let go and delete/block her from All social media and All messaging apps.

She cites compatibility issues to reinforce her decision my family situation, arguing a lot towards the end of the relationship and says we simply can't work, and won't.

I strongly disagree with these reasons, and am puzzled because a number of those reasons were not issues at all while we were together.

You may be right--some of her reasons may just be excuses, but that's irrelevant to the fact that she wanted to break up. Sometimes people throw everything plus the kitchen sink into their breakup talks, but the bottom line is, it's not working for them. Period.

I don't believe in the method of healing that beats yourself up to drop all shreds of hope to reconcile. A much gentler approach is to relax into trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to grow to reach that place on your own.

This can shift your focus away from ruminating and onto your own self development, interests, and bonds with family and friends in order to reach your own private high ground. If ex ever wants to reconcile, you'll have a better perspective from which to handle it, and if not, you'll have already begun your healing and you'll be launched into building a good future.

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments about? What's up with your families? Unfortunately it sounds like you are arguing about arguing and arguing so much so that now you are even arguing about her reasons to end it.

 

You need to give her space and go complete no contact and do not "stay friends" or get stuck in her friendzone. Also this started way too young for her (17) and being tied down for way too long. Relax, let go and delete/block her from All social media and All messaging apps.

Hi Wiseman,

Technically, I’m currently studying abroad. Most of my family is spread out, with some in the US (though in a number of different states), and England. In addition, my parents are separated and my dad is estranged. However I plan on settling here after graduation, regardless whether or not I'm in a relationship by graduation. I've made a lot of close friends and I've fallen in love with the country, so I feel like it's my new home.

She claims, at least since we broke up, she wants to be with someone whose family is “here (in this country), and together.”

Frankly there isn’t really anything I can do about that. But it strikes me as odd since of all the arguments we did have at the time, this was not one of them. Never was. She never seemed to have a problem with this while we were together. We’d even discussed the options of settling down here or moving to the States together since we both have extended family there.

As for the arguments, I can’t even remember some of them, but they were truly trivial in hindsight. Even in the midst of our breakup, I remember her saying “wow, our arguments seem so meaningless in hindsight.” I think it was just little things that would turn into us bickering like a elderly married couple instead of shrugging them off.

But she seems convinced that if we got back together, we’d just argue all the time again. I can understand that being a turn off. Arguing is never my intention, I always aim to problem-solve and talk things out but I think in my case towards the end my patience was wearing thin so they’d devolve into arguments more frequently. Part of me can’t blame her.

But you’re right. There isn’t anything that can help this but space and time, which is what I intend to give her. Both for her and for me. Self-improvement is the goal from this point forward. My friends also talked me into downloading a dating app to take my mind off of things. My heart isn't really in it, but it's a helpful distraction so we'll see how it goes.

You may be right--some of her reasons may just be excuses, but that's irrelevant to the fact that she wanted to break up. Sometimes people throw everything plus the kitchen sink into their breakup talks, but the bottom line is, it's not working for them. Period.

 

I don't believe in the method of healing that beats yourself up to drop all shreds of hope to reconcile. A much gentler approach is to relax into trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll both need to grow to reach that place on your own.

 

This can shift your focus away from ruminating and onto your own self development, interests, and bonds with family and friends in order to reach your own private high ground. If ex ever wants to reconcile, you'll have a better perspective from which to handle it, and if not, you'll have already begun your healing and you'll be launched into building a good future.

Hey catfeeder,

Thanks for the perspective. I'm inclined to agree. I don't think wishful thinking is unhealthy as long as you aren't dwelling on it, and you continue to move on with your life and better yourself in the process. That's what I intend to do. If it's meant to work out then it will! I think our love was strong in spite of things falling apart towards the end, even until recently she acknowledges that she loved me "so much", she just doesn't think it was "enough" to make things work out. So time will tell.

I'm sorry you are hurting. The first time falling in love and breaking up, it's not easy. It can feel like you'll never meet someone you feel so strongly about again, that the world is ending.

Speaking as someone whose first love is a distant memory now, I can assure you this is only a taste of what love can be. It's the start of the adventure of dating-not the end.

She's so so young. And she's the type to not take space to grow up on her own feet . 17 she was comfortable committing to a boyfriend, now she's moving on, no break to breathe barely and she's seeing someone else. She has lots and lots of growing to do.

She's the girl you dated. You are 22 now. Onwards to trying dating with all kinds of women.

She represents childhood, but it's time to let that go.

There is a chance, I have seen friends relationships break-up. Then they go off and date. Then get back together... So it happens.

Nothing nasty led to your break-up so their in a chance.

The thing is you are both young. She may have got GIGS. Which you can't blame her. As there is so much life to be lived.

The honeymoon phase does not last forever. I am sure if she spoke to her parents. They would tell her how they aren't the same couple from the they first dates.

Any future relationship she will struggle to keep the honeymoon phase going for as long as her parents.

The best thing you can do is keep focussing on you! You have done well with the social media muting. Keeping minimal contact.

I do feel it is selfish her dating someone and wanting to still be your friend. You have to decide a whether you want to continue this arrangement.

Good luck!

Thanks to everyone who has responded thus far, I’ve taken all your input into consideration.

The majority consensus seems to be “yes, nothing is impossible, but don’t dwell on it.” Which is the mindset I plan on keeping moving forward.

There definitely wasn’t anything malicious or hurtful that happened leading up to or in the wake of the breakup, so I think that definitely improves chances. But for now, my focus is on me exclusively. I considered dating around myself, but my heart isn’t in it frankly and it wouldn’t be fair on anyone I ended up seeing if I wasn’t 100% committed to it. Besides, I’m comfortable with my own company. I’m an only child so I had to get used to being on my own at a young age, it doesn’t phase me in the slightest.

Instead of "focusing" on yourself exclusively how about finding ways to reach out to others -friends, socially, activities and/or volunteering? Of course you should enjoy your own company and be comfortable in your own skin but what particularly about yourself do you have to "focus" on? Romantic relationships are only one of many ways of interacting with others. (P.S. -I'm married to an only child and we have one son who is an only child - and it has no relevance to choices about being on one's own or focusing solely on oneself -just means they have no siblings).

Instead of "focusing" on yourself exclusively how about finding ways to reach out to others -friends, socially, activities and/or volunteering? Of course you should enjoy your own company and be comfortable in your own skin but what particularly about yourself do you have to "focus" on? Romantic relationships are only one of many ways of interacting with others. (P.S. -I'm married to an only child and we have one son who is an only child - and it has no relevance to choices about being on one's own or focusing solely on oneself -just means they have no siblings).

Hi Batya,

All I mean by “focusing on myself” is not feeling the need to rely heavily on a romantic partner for my sense of worth, socialization or happiness. For me, focusing on myself just means prioritizing my own needs, which now that I’m single should be easy. That includes going out with friends, engrossing myself in hobbies, and simply enjoying the moments I have to myself. It also means (to me at least) that I'll be instead investing more of that time into my career-oriented goals.

And all I really meant by the only child comment is it taught me to enjoy my own company from an early age, since I didn’t have siblings to occupy my time at home. I know there are people who are serial monogamists out of fear of loneliness, or who simply have anxieties associated with not being in a relationship, so they feel the need to jump into dating relatively quickly after a breakup. I'm not one of those people. Just a roundabout way of saying I don't mind staying single long-term.

Hi Batya,

 

All I mean by “focusing on myself” is not feeling the need to rely heavily on a romantic partner for my sense of worth, socialization or happiness. For me, focusing on myself just means prioritizing my own needs, which now that I’m single should be easy. That includes going out with friends, engrossing myself in hobbies, and simply enjoying the moments I have to myself. It also means (to me at least) that I'll be instead investing more of that time into my career-oriented goals.

 

And all I really meant by the only child comment is it taught me to enjoy my own company from an early age, since I didn’t have siblings to occupy my time at home. I know there are people who are serial monogamists out of fear of loneliness, or who simply have anxieties associated with not being in a relationship, so they feel the need to jump into dating relatively quickly after a breakup. I'm not one of those people. Just a roundabout way of saying I don't mind staying single long-term.

Yes and I still do not understand why you think that not having a romantic partner would allow you to prioritize your own needs and having a romantic partner would not, or why having a romantic partner would mean you would rely heavily on that person for what you wrote? Obviously you should look for the relationship dynamic that works for you but wow that sounds really unhealthy. I completely understand that you are happy with your own company and again, what I meant was that you seem to regard having a romantic partner as the difference between prioritizing your own needs and being on your own and otherwise.

I know many many people who are not in a romantic relationship and who have very active social and professional lives, involved in activities and hobbies and volunteer work and sports and they are rarely alone nor do they wish to be, so they are not. I know many people in marriages and committed relationships who pursue active careers, volunteer work, hobbies and activities I know others who are in romantic relationships where their partner travels a lot or where they enjoy their own space and they do that. I'm confused about your "either/or" analysis of being single vs. having a romantic partner. And of course some people jump into relationships out of fear of loneliness or for a multitude of unhealthy reasons. Some people avoid relationships for a multitude of unhealthy reasons. There always will be "some people" who do lots of things. Not sure what your point is in pointing that out?

I think it's great that you're choosing not to date right now because it works for you. My only questions had to do with whether that choice is based on negative perceptions and generalizations of what it means to have a partner or look for a partner. You should always prioritize your own needs IMO. You should always be comfortable being on your own - whether you are a single person or looking for a romantic partner or in a romantic relationship. You should always go out with your friends, engross yourself in hobbies, enjoy the moments and focus on your career if that is what you want to do whether you are dating or not. It shouldn't change anything about self-care and pursuing what you like to do.

All it changes is, if you are exclusive you don't date others or look to date others, and if you have a child then yes, often the priorities shift in various ways, and same if your partner becomes like your child due to illness, disability, etc - yes, then you often have to sacrifice your own needs and goals for your spouse or committed partner or child. And yes certain decisions become couple decisions where you have to take the other person's needs into account.

In that sense I agree with you and if you don't want to be accountable to anyone for life decisions down the road then you shouldn't get seriously involved until you are willing to do that. But I really hope if/when you do choose to get involved that you would never rely "heavily" on a romantic partner for your sense of worth, socialization or happiness or that you would stop prioritizing self-care other than in crisis situations, and even then -put on your oxygen mask first before you help others, right?

Yes and I still do not understand why you think that not having a romantic partner would allow you to prioritize your own needs and having a romantic partner would not, or why having a romantic partner would mean you would rely heavily on that person for what you wrote? Obviously you should look for the relationship dynamic that works for you but wow that sounds really unhealthy. I completely understand that you are happy with your own company and again, what I meant was that you seem to regard having a romantic partner as the difference between prioritizing your own needs and being on your own and otherwise.

Perhaps I’m over-explaining or just not explaining myself accurately enough. In which case I apologize. I’m definitely not saying that being in a romantic relationship has any drawbacks or requires you to rely on someone for your own happiness, I’m also very aware you can do any one of the things I listed while also having a romantic partner. Any healthy relationship has a good balance of individuality and companionship.

Really, all I was trying to say is I’m not looking for a rebound. That’s more or less what I was trying to get across. If something new sparks and that’s the way the universe wills it then I’m open to it, but I’m not going to be actively looking for another partner is really all I’m trying to say. If it happens then it happens, if not then so be it. *shrug*

Perhaps I’m over-explaining or just not explaining myself accurately enough. In which case I apologize. I’m definitely not saying that being in a romantic relationship has any drawbacks or requires you to rely on someone for your own happiness, I’m also very aware you can do any one of the things I listed while also having a romantic partner. Any healthy relationship has a good balance of individuality and companionship.

 

Really, all I was trying to say is I’m not looking for a rebound. That’s more or less what I was trying to get across. If something new sparks and that’s the way the universe wills it then I’m open to it, but I’m not going to be actively looking for another partner is really all I’m trying to say. If it happens then it happens, if not then so be it. *shrug*

Oh yes and please don't think I am encouraging you to be in a relationship -I am not, at all -it's such an individual and personal decision. Today I would like a relationship with my fuzzy socks and I would propose to anyone who would snap their fingers and clean my house even though it's my wedding anniversary today and I love my husband -but a girl's gotta have her priorities.

I agree on rebounds -I had some fun flings when I was in that mindset and I did make one choice in the wrong mindset that didn't end up disastrous because of the rebound part but wasn't the best for me. I get it. I never ever thought I would become the right person to find the right person - it really felt hopeless at times and I felt misunderstood by many who were close to me. And no marriage is not bliss all the time. Neither is parenthood. I could tell you stories. I made a lot of sacrifices to reach my goal of marriage and parenthood. No regrets and sometimes I do not recognize myself based on what it means to me now to be happy vs. pre-marriage and child.

I am impressed with your introspection and care you are taking in these decisions, FWIW.

Oh yes and please don't think I am encouraging you to be in a relationship -I am not, at all -it's such an individual and personal decision. Today I would like a relationship with my fuzzy socks and I would propose to anyone who would snap their fingers and clean my house even though it's my wedding anniversary today and I love my husband -but a girl's gotta have her priorities.

 

I agree on rebounds -I had some fun flings when I was in that mindset and I did make one choice in the wrong mindset that didn't end up disastrous because of the rebound part but wasn't the best for me. I get it. I never ever thought I would become the right person to find the right person - it really felt hopeless at times and I felt misunderstood by many who were close to me. And no marriage is not bliss all the time. Neither is parenthood. I could tell you stories. I made a lot of sacrifices to reach my goal of marriage and parenthood. No regrets and sometimes I do not recognize myself based on what it means to me now to be happy vs. pre-marriage and child.

 

I am impressed with your introspection and care you are taking in these decisions, FWIW.

Sounds like you’ve had quite the journey but I’m glad everything worked out for you in the end! I’m hoping for the same. :)

And thanks, I do my best to exercise introspection whenever I can. I never want to be the kind of person that can’t check their own faults or areas of improvement. That’s how growth happens!

Sounds like you’ve had quite the journey but I’m glad everything worked out for you in the end! I’m hoping for the same. :)

 

And thanks, I do my best to exercise introspection whenever I can. I never want to be the kind of person that can’t check their own faults or areas of improvement. That’s how growth happens!

Yes and a good dose of humility which you seem to have!

So I'm deciding to chime in :) basically I agree with everyone who says that the reasons for the breakup aren't really that serious (no abuse, cheating, etc) but the only reason why I think reconciliation would be hard is because she is currently seeing someone new. I only read your original post so I'm not sure if you clarified if this new person is serious, or if by seeing someone you mean just going on dates with him. However you said the break up was just over 2 months ago so I'm really sorry to say this but it could be possible that this isn't too much of GIGS. Two months is barely enough time to enjoy the single life or even experience it, but this is just my opinion. If someone had GIGS and they didn't seem to enjoy it only a few weeks in they would usually go back to their ex, because they realized the grass isn't really that greener.

I am in the same boat as you right now in which I do hope for my ex to come back but as someone said before it is possible for two people to break up for a while and date other people and then find a way back to each other. But first this must come with you moving on as best as you can which I see you are trying to do so best of luck