Unsocial, distant parents

Before starting this, I must point out that I love my parents to death, of course I do, they are my mum and dad, they have raised me in this world and I love them dearly.

As I’ve been growing older (25 next month) I’ve been realising how unsocial and reclusive my parents are and I can’t stand it. They’ve always been the kind of people to ignore problems because I think they are too scared to deal with it so they just push it aside. A great example of that is when I became very very depressed, I went through a break up out of a long term relationship during this time which made my depression very very deep and damaging, I had a ton of time off work because of it. My dad has NEVER asked me about it, he’s never asked me about my feelings or how my thoughts during that hard time, only ever his opinion on the situation, never actually asked how I felt, or what I was going through during that time. I am really hurt that he never showed any interest in my time of sadness and need for help. My mum helped me through it, my sister was my rock mostly through that terrible time.

I feel we don’t really do things together, neither of them ever seem like they are enjoying themselves being out for dinner. My dad will never go out on days out anywhere. He says as you get older the more you want time with your family and have no need for friends. But even that family time is rare and is only usually ever a home made dinner, not a lovely day out some where or a trip.

I’m not really sure what sort of advice or opinion on this I’m looking for.

I feel sad that my parents are so unsocial and uninterested in the world outside. In particular my dad, I just feel a very negative vibe from his opinions on the outside world. I want them to enjoy life, and not waste their time, I want them to enjoy things with me and my siblings.

I think as I’ve grown older I’ve just realised my outlook and way of life is extremely different to my parents and it’s impossible for them to see that. If I ever spoke of any of this it’ll be ignored, I’ve tried with my mum and she brushes it to the side. My dad will give me the ‘when you’re older, you’ll understand’ speech and it’s just not what I want to hear.

It makes me quite sad to live at home, I am so ready to move out on my own, if only it was just that easy in my current financial situation.

I am a depressive person, I don’t want to be around negativity every day. I’m tired.

I’ve never shared this with anyone apart from one of my brothers and one of my sisters because I feel absolutely terrible about talking about my parents this way.

I understand. I had a somewhat similar childhood and it shaped me in different ways.

While going through a divorce I went to therapy and typical therapy sessions lead you to relive your childhood and your relationship with your parents. I felt so guilty and at the same time unfolded all sorts of things that weren't necessarily bad, but not nurturing, somewhat neglectful and lacking in a lot of different areas. Being a new mom made things even more clear.

It just takes time process it and forgive.

I recognized my parents were just imitating their own upbringings, along with not being taught any real parenting skills, it is what it is. This is the hand we were dealt and you can do nothing other than reconcile with it. Accept your parents wholly and love them for who you are. They aren't going to change. Recognize this fact and let go.

You are a young man and you are realizing how different you from them. This is good thing if you think about it. So in the end, they've done their job well.

Take this with you and challenge yourself to do better.

I agree with Reinvent.

Also, there's no reason to feel terrible for speaking the truth. It doesn't mean that you don't love them, or that you aren't a good child.

My husband’s parents were/are the same. He loves his parents dearly.

I feel we donÂ’t really do things together, neither of them ever seem like they are enjoying themselves being out for dinner. My dad will never go out on days out anywhere. He says as you get older the more you want time with your family and have no need for friends. But even that family time is rare and is only usually ever a home made dinner, not a lovely day out some where or a trip.

I want them to enjoy life, and not waste their time, I want them to enjoy things with me and my siblings.

Whoa, I can relate to you. Bonding with family is tough, most specially when your world-view is different than theirs.

Quick anecdote: I love going to the cinema and I felt they needed to get out more, so I thought why don't we go together. Well, they found the concept of going to the cinema preposterous. Why would you go out, only to be surrounded by so much noise and spend copious amounts of money, when you can easily watch a movie comfortably at home and eat home made popcorn, all for a fraction of the price.

Huh! They were enjoying life, just not the way I would have liked them to. So rather than convince them on what I thought was fun, I opted to show an interest in some of the stuff they do instead.

I wish you the very best!

Yeah, my father was very much like your father. He didn't want to go out and do anything. I was a little older than you, but I managed to plan with my mother to do a 2000-mile trip through the great American Southwest. My father had the option of going and staying at home having to cook his own meals wasn't very attractive to him, so he decided to come. We took three trips like this, the second to Quebec and bringing my then-new girlfriend on the third mega-trip through Nevada and Utah. My father barely said a word during the trips, but I heard from my mother all he did was talk about these trips at work. My brother later took them to Europe and Nova Scotia. Later in life, my father wanted to know where we could go next.

So you might just need to wait for the right time to get them out of the house. They need to be ready to get out and about.

Thank you so much for your responses. A big part of it for me was comparing my parents to others parents and feeling as though they are so different to mine so it’s nice to hear others stories and similar experiences.