Nagging – am I overreacting or is he?

It seems every time I try to ask my boyfriend to do something more than once, he completely blows up at me.

We have been together for 14 years, living in our new home for 5. He runs an internet business. His stock fills our second bedroom and spills out into our home in boxes, containers and bags. It became a horrible mess in our first place and we bought our second home he assured me the place wouldn’t turn into the mess it had in our last home, but it has and it seems to be getting worse. Every time I attempt to discuss this with him he calls me a nag and gets angry with me. He says he is working on it, but I seldom see him moving or disposing of anything. The other night he was snoring and I was up until past midnight trying to get to sleep. I’d have killed for a spare bed to sleep in (our couch hurts my back) but it is covered in stock and I can’t discuss that with him. He just gets so angry.

He has been promising to lose weight since we met 14 years ago. I don’t care what he looks like, but I am an active person and I do care that it stops us doing so many things together. I don’t “nag” when it comes to this as I know it is a sensitive issue. I have given support, encouragement and offered to make him meals yet he continues to eat terribly. He rejects the idea of any outside help (personal trainer, gym etc) and keeps telling me he’ll do it himself and to leave him alone.

At the beginning of the year we decided we should go away overseas in July. He said he doesn’t know where his passport is but he’ll look for it. Fast forward to now and he still hasn’t taken a moment to look for it or organise a new one. I mentioned it to him the other day as time is getting on and he asked me not to ask him about it again in an almost threatening way. I think his exact words were “I’m telling you right now, don’t ask me about my passport again”.

He makes me feel as if I am always in the wrong. I am expected to have this blind, unwavering faith and trust in him even though these promises he keeps making are never kept, and I’m the worst person in the world if I show any doubt towards him. The minute he raises his voice or shows any sign of anger I tremble and shut up about it (grew up in an abusive home; my dad was the same). In all the time we’ve been together I’ve never felt comfortable telling him he’s done something to upset me because rather than try and work on it or fix it, he gets mad at me BEING mad (eg if we are out shopping and he does or says something to upset me and I show that I’m upset, rather than apologise or talk about it, he will threaten to go home if I don’t “snap out of it”).

Any advice?

Well, yeah, I can give you loads of advice, but it's advice you probably won't use. In any event, I think the easiest thing would be to try to convince your boyfriend to move his business to a storage unit or rent some warehouse space. Depending on where you are, you can usually rent warehouse space pretty cheaply, and a storage unit can be rented for $100-$300 a month -- and it's deductible as a business expense, so you should try to work on that.

As for the other stuff, yeah, you're in an abusive relationship and it's too bad you didn't see it a long time ago, especially since your father was abusive. But abuse victims sometimes equate abuse with love, I guess thinking that this is what happened in your case. Your boyfriend yells at you so he must love you. I would say the relationship is pretty toxic, and after 14 years with no marriage proposal, you're in a delicate situation where you could be left out in the cold if anything happens to him. I would tell you to Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" if you want to read more about your situation. But if you still won't leave your bf, the least you can do is try to get him to move his Internet operation out of the house and into a warehouse or storage unit.

I agree with DanZee.

He uses the word "nag" to be dismissive and end conversations. This is an emotionally abusive relationship that barely has any foundations to grow.

I can't add more to what DanZee has said. Do yourself a favour and get counselling and end this relationship.

All this time and you have not moved out yet?

03-28-2018: I had never been physically attracted to him

• He has a tendency to be quite aggressive when he’s angry with me. He’s never gotten physical but he will do things like stand over me and point his finger in my face.

• It’s either that or he completely shuts down and gives me the silent treatment when he’s angry.

• It is impossible to make any plans with him. It might sound silly but as someone who likes to plan and have something to look forward to, this is hard. He makes me feel like I am always nagging him when I ask him a simple “What would you like to do tomorrow?” or “Would you like to go for dinner at X next weekend?” I can never get an answer out of him.

• He has been promising to lose weight since the day we met and makes no or very little fleeting effort. I don’t care what he looks like, but I do care that we haven’t been to the beach together once in 14 years because he doesn’t want to take his shirt off. I have tried the going alone or going with friends but as lovely as that is, I can’t ignore the fact that I am not there with my partner and may never be.

• I don’t feel like I can ever be angry with him. If we are for example out and about and he says or does something that upsets me, rather than attempting to apologise he will threaten to go home if I’m going to “be in a bad mood”. I of course then have to perk up and pretend I’m perfectly fine, because if I even attempt to talk to him about WHY I’m upset he doesn’t want to hear it.

• He is indescribably lazy.

(eg if we are out shopping and he does or says something to upset me and I show that I’m upset, rather than apologise or talk about it, he will threaten to go home if I don’t “snap out of it”)

I get that not all nagging is created equal, and you seem to have picked out a couple instances that'd generally be considered more understandable at face value (though I don't know to what other extents it may be a practice). Still, going by the same examples, we're looking at several years and more than one home of him creating clutter with his business materials. Apparently 14 entire years of him promising to lose weight (you apparently never having been attracted to him, which is quite a gem on its own). To be honest, my sympathy tank does start to run a bit dry when someone would elect to peck away, even if at one of the most valid of causes, rather than take a step back, come to the real-world conclusion of "this is who this person is," and react accordingly as a self-responsible adult, voting with their feet either direction. I'm sorry to say, but it's perplexing that these issues could exist for years, yet you not only ran with the status quo, but actively bought a new house with him.

Now it could be that I was raised on a system of being asked / told to do something, saying I'd do it, and simply being punished if I didn't do it by the time I said I would, but I've never completely understood the mindset of someone who frequently reminds or prods (at least without being invited to do so... some forgetful people prefer that dynamic) as a means of attaining some result. I've got little patience for it and I couldn't in good conscience treat my fiancee that way. She's not a child or a subordinate. Someone says they'll do something, and they either do it or they don't. If they don't, you account for that reality and weigh your partner kinda sucking at one thing against whatever else they bring to the table.

That's not at all to suggest I don't ever sympathize for or even empathize with a cause that drives someone to nag, but that it's at no level healthy, and, worse, it's often just not efficient for all the strain and hostility it tends to foster.

I'm not willing to jump on the bandwagon of calling it abuse when, whether it's because someone does it to assert some level of control over a partner's actions or due to an outright lack of respect for them, chipping away at someone for who they've been for several years would suggest an overall toxicity.

Walking on eggshells is no way to live a life. I know, since I had to do the same in my first marriage until I decided I was done. Until you've resolved your issues from childhood, you will keep choosing the same type of unhealthy partner over and over. I'd consult a lawyer and start secretly separating your finances from his (shared credit cards, shared bank accounts). You only have one life on this planet. There are no do-overs. Free yourself for something better in the future.

Life is way too short to live your life like this. You should leave him or I'm afraid you're going to have many, many regrets one day.

Advice is get therapy for your childhood abuse issues and current abuse/attachment issues and leave this loser once and for all. 14 years of this - I just don't know what to tell you other than start making better decisions for yourself. This guy isn't going to change and become the man you want him to be. Not now, not ever.

my sympathy tank does start to run a bit dry when someone would elect to peck away, even if at one of the most valid of causes, rather than take a step back, come to the real-world conclusion of "this is who this person is," and react accordingly as a self-responsible adult, voting with their feet either direction. I'm sorry to say, but it's perplexing that these issues could exist for years, yet you not only ran with the status quo, but actively bought a new house with him.

I don’t know what to say about this. As mentioned above I grew up in an extremely abusive household where my father ruled with an iron fist physically, emotionally and verbally. My mother would always tell us to shut up and never mention a word of what had happened the night before, pretend it didn’t happen. I spent 20 years blocking events out or rewriting them. I’m not a very strong person. As someone said and I agree, I do equate this kind of treatment with love. I am not looking for sympathy either, though, so… whatever. Feel what you like.

After you moved out of your parental home, you should in fact redefine things. The same way you would repair and fix and restore a car even if the damage was done by someone else. You wouldn't drive around for 20 years with non repaired unaddressed damage as a monument to the people who caused the destruction, right? You need to redefine yourself and stop hanging on to the past as an excuse not to address your present and your future, which you Do have control over.

I spent 20 years blocking events out or rewriting them. I’m not a very strong person. As someone said and I agree, I do equate this kind of treatment with love.