Getting over it and Closure

I got into a casual relationship with which was mutually agreed upon. We both agreed that we would keep it casual relationship and spend time with each other on occasion because neither one was looking for something serious.

Well.....turns out we both were stupid.

As time went along she confesses, she has changed her mind and now desires an exclusive committed relationship beyond casual intimacy, which we were kind of in as we shared and helped each other in the course of everyday affairs.

I was hesitant because I knew I wasn't in the mindstate to handle that at the time and there were some differences between us that I didn't think could be reconciled.

I slowly began to withdraw but we would end up back again, after nearly a year she expresses that she is receiving interest from others and gives me an ultimatum to commit or let her go. So I told her I couldn't give her what she wants and I want her to be happy. She begins seeing some other guy while we are still together I find out later and she wants to still have a connection to me. I told her I couldn't do that and she should go and be happy. This was difficult for me because I had developed an attachment and feelings for her. She did things for me that no one else has and was a good woman.

I cease communication to give her space. She called me a few times for small talk and then later she text me saying was it my intention to stop talking to her and how could I just throw her away like she was nothing.

I told her that I loved her but I was not willing to stick around while she developed a relationship with another guy. She gets upset then says would have did anything for me.

I never responded back. Fast forward a few months, I can't get her out of my mind. I'm thinking of her constantly but I don't contact because she deserves the right to a committed relationship.

After 7 months, I tried to reach out to her. I sent her an email thanking her for being in my life and wishing her the best. I texted and left her a voicemail message but she never responded.

I have accepted that the ship has sailed as I think she has moved in with someone and has put her house up for rent.

I don't have any ideas of getting her back, I just want closure and peace between us.

Thoughts on how I can bring that about for myself and between us?

There's that overused saying here . .that it's all about the timing. In your case there was a window of opportunity that has long since passed.

You stated that when you had the chance, that you could not give her what she wanted and wanted her to be happy. Personally I think intruding her life now is somewhat selfish.

If you meant what you said about her happiness you wouldn't be doing this now.

You want something now you can't have. When it was offered to you you passed it up . .and that's ok because the timing was wrong.

There is no closure needed. This closed a long time ago.

Contacting her again would just get her hopes up that you had changed your mind about wanting more. Unless you have indeed changed your mind, please don't do this as it would just reopen old wounds and end up with her being hurt, confused and disappointed.

You don't need anything from her to get closure... just accept that it's over and move on.

It sounds to me like you don’t really know what you want and so you are sending a lot of mixed messages.

If you are casual/non-exclusive, you can’t get your nose out of joint when she wants to date others. That’s what non-exclusive means.

She gave you the option to be exclusive instead and NOT to date anyone else, but you didn’t want that either.

Not to be rude, but it sounds like you just enjoyed having her on a string. Maybe you enjoyed the attention and liked the idea of having her as an option? I mean... that’s not very kind.

... and now you want to do it again. You want to talk to her but you don’t want to reconcile or commit to her... you want her to forgive you but you don’t want her to forgive you enough to want to be back together with you...

Honestly, I know you probably have good intentions but that kind of indecision can be very hurtful to people. The kindest thing you can do, in my opinion, is to let her go and find someone who DOES want to be with her and is very clear about that.

What are you talking about? It wasn't casual non exclusive. I never said that

It was casual with the understanding that we wouldn't be intimate with someone else and if we did, we would let it be known beforehand. Which she didnt.

There is nothing to forgive because we were upfront about the expectation and she chose to change her mind.

I miss her as a friend and don't want to carry the burden of knowing I hurt her unitentionally. I didn't deceive her of my intentions and I didn't have her on a string. She approached me not vice versa. She pursued me.

What I want is to get over this personally and reconcile at least as friends.

It not about getting her back. I recognize she is not for me but that doesn't mean I don't have attachment and feelings that I'm trying to get over.

You will only "reconcile as friends" if she wants to.

I doubt the man she's moving in with would be comfortable with her being "friends" with someone she used to have an intimate relationship with. And most likely, she wouldn't be either.

"Closure" happened when you told her you couldn't give her what she wanted and decided to let her go so she could be happy.

What are you talking about? It wasn't casual non exclusive. I never said that

 

It was casual with the understanding that we wouldn't be intimate with someone else and if we did, we would let it be known beforehand. Which she didnt.

 

There is nothing to forgive because we were upfront about the expectation and she chose to change her mind.

 

I miss her as a friend and don't want to carry the burden of knowing I hurt her unitentionally. I didn't deceive her of my intentions and I didn't have her on a string. She approached me not vice versa. She pursued me.

 

What I want is to get over this personally and reconcile at least as friends.

 

It not about getting her back. I recognize she is not for me but that doesn't mean I don't have attachment and feelings that I'm trying to get over.

OPer please understand the general consensus here is that a casual relationship mean no grey area. We're human so of course that is rarely the case, but that might help you comprehend where responders are coming from. I noticed you said you don't want to get her back but simply closure, that's understandable, unfortunately that has to come from within.

What stopped you from wanting a full blown relationship? You were kinda wishy washy about your explanation leading me to believe even you aren't sure. I don't really buy the 'bad timing' excuse, it just lacks logic, if you have time to hang out, screw and gain a connection, you have time to be in a relationship.

It does seem like you didn't really want her until she no longer wanted you, which if true is something I hope you work on or this string of awesome girls who get tired of your bs and walk away will only continue.

Youre not only misinformed you are Hugh Janus.

It doesn't really matter why I didn't want a full blown relationship. I was up front about it and she agreed to it. Relationship parameters are not monolithic. If you must know, I wasn't looking for one and she had a drinking problem and other issues that would make her verbally abusive that stemmed from a traumatic childhood.

She confided in me that she has problems from her past that made it difficult to connect with men which is why is another reason we agreed to the casual thing

I let her go to find someone else and did not interfere so she could be content, I never said I wanted her back after she didn't want me, nor did I project that. Where did you read that?

She was a good natured person who was my friend for a year and I care about her and I grown attached to her

Understand most people here have been dumped and hurt and are seeing things from her perspective. You reaching out comes across as selfish as ANY communication from a dumper gives the dumpee hope of reconciliation.

If you really do care about her, leave her alone to heal. If she wants to be friends one day she will let you know. What she is doing is moving on with her life and needs you to leave her alone in order to do so.

I get it that you were clear, but once you have sex with a woman things will never be the same. Especially if she developed feelings for you.

You had every right to dump her and she had every right to not want you in her life.

Again, if you really love her (you don’t), you will leave her alone.