That friend.....,

Well I’ve known her for a while. She’s one of those friends who doesn’t really make an effort to make a fun day when we hang. I’m the one always suggesting fun things. It’s always like let’s chat over a coffee and i seem to be the one making that trip to meet near where she is based. I haven’t seen her for a year. She met a guy and they got into a solid relationship. Good for her! So that year I’ve been doing my own thing and trying to be active, met another single friend and we’ve just been checking out cool places together. I hardly checked in with my old friend. Now and again she will check in with me but I just get into the habit of texting her short replies like yeah just been busy with work. Her message would always be - how’s the dates going? Or she would message me to tell me she’s gone on a weekend trip with her man or something like that. Just offered that info when I didn’t even ask. So......she’s single again. I just got a message saying she really wants to catch up. I’ve been avoiding this catch up. She told me she’s ended things. Now I’ve been through this before, 3x. I’m always there because I’m hardly ever in a relationship. I’m unspoilt said another friend. So I’m back in that situation where a girlfriend’s single again and telling me how men are, they all jerks, don’t waste your time looking for one. I’m still trying to be hopeful about my situation. She’s not helping.....

So the question is why are you passive and tolerating what you feel isn't appropriate behavior on her part? Sounds like you want someone who wants to do fun activities and she is not that person. So can you maybe meet her when you're interested in coffee and a chat (honestly sounds like heaven to me LOL). And tell her directly but firmly that you're interested in meeting the right person and you feel put off when she tells you negative things about men as a gender. That you want to listen to her vent and you also need support or at least neutrality while you search for the right person for you.

And understand that she will dump you again when she meets someone so perhaps keep your emotional distance to an extent.

And understand that she will dump you again when she meets someone so perhaps keep your emotional distance to an extent.

^^ This, so much.

She is that friend who only wants single friends when she is single. She drops her friends like hotcakes the second she meets anyone. She becomes so enmeshed in his life, that she forgets she has her own. She doesn't want to do fun things with you, as she wants to save those for her boyfriend.

I have backed away from friends like this, and you know what? I don't miss 'em.

I disagree with both of you. I don’t think friend dumped OP. I think OP dumped friend.

So......she’s single again. I just got a message saying she really wants to catch up.

I disagree with both of you. I don’t think friend dumped OP. I think OP dumped friend.

MLD, I was responding to the bolded. Looks like the friend is single again, and is wanting to catch up with Paranu, and Paranu is questioning whether she should dump her friend or become friends with her again. OP, is that accurate?

MLD, I was responding to the bolded. Looks like the friend is single again, and is wanting to catch up with Paranu, and Paranu is questioning whether she should dump her friend or become friends with her again. OP, is that accurate?

I disagree with your whole premise. Friend wanted to maintain contact through her relationship. It was less, sure, but friend put in the effort and OP blew her off.

I disagree with your whole premise. Friend wanted to maintain contact through her relationship. It was less, sure, but friend put in the effort and OP blew her off.

But she kept asking her how is dating going and wanting OP to travel to her -how is that being a good friend?

But she kept asking her how is dating going and wanting OP to travel to her -how is that being a good friend?

No, I never said friend was being a good friend. In my opinion both friend and OP were NOT good friends. I just want to make a point that OP is not blameless. She seems to be making the case that friend “popped up” once she became single which is not true.

No, I never said friend was being a good friend. In my opinion both friend and OP were NOT good friends. I just want to make a point that OP is not blameless. She seems to be making the case that friend “popped up” once she became single which is not true.

Yes I wondered why the OP insisted on getting together for "fun activities" and couldn't compromise more for hanging out and getting coffee.

I wouldn't waste anymore time on this woman. It sounds as if it were very one-sided.

^^ This, so much.

 

She is that friend who only wants single friends when she is single. She drops her friends like hotcakes the second she meets anyone. She becomes so enmeshed in his life, that she forgets she has her own. She doesn't want to do fun things with you, as she wants to save those for her boyfriend.

 

I have backed away from friends like this, and you know what? I don't miss 'em.

Totally agree. And it also such a joy to listen to their endless complaining about their break up. OP, you no longer need to be her sounding board.

Well I’ve known her for a while. She’s one of those friends who doesn’t really make an effort to make a fun day when we hang. I’m the one always suggesting fun things. It’s always like let’s chat over a coffee and i seem to be the one making that trip to meet near where she is based. I haven’t seen her for a year. She met a guy and they got into a solid relationship. Good for her! So that year I’ve been doing my own thing and trying to be active, met another single friend and we’ve just been checking out cool places together. I hardly checked in with my old friend. Now and again she will check in with me but I just get into the habit of texting her short replies like yeah just been busy with work. Her message would always be - how’s the dates going? Or she would message me to tell me she’s gone on a weekend trip with her man or something like that. Just offered that info when I didn’t even ask. So......she’s single again. I just got a message saying she really wants to catch up. I’ve been avoiding this catch up. She told me she’s ended things. Now I’ve been through this before, 3x. I’m always there because I’m hardly ever in a relationship. I’m unspoilt said another friend. So I’m back in that situation where a girlfriend’s single again and telling me how men are, they all jerks, don’t waste your time looking for one. I’m still trying to be hopeful about my situation. She’s not helping.....

It sounds like you are angry at your friend. You're the one who is always driving. You're the one who is always suggesting fun things. She doesn't make any fun suggestions. She did try to keep in touch with you when she was in a relationship, but you don't seem to like her messages (which were relationship-oriented). So you found a new friend (a single friend) and didn't check in with your old friend. And when your old friend messaged you, you gave her short replies. Now she wants to catch up, and that makes you upset, too.

Sorry, Paranu, but this sounds like sour apples to me. I feel slightly exhausted reading all of your complaints. You'll lose the friends that you have if you continue to resent everything. Most people stop making time for people who can't be pleased.

Totally agree. And it also such a joy to listen to their endless complaining about their break up. OP, you no longer need to be her sounding board.

Here’s how I see it. She only wants to tell me how miserable she’s feeling because she can’t tell her other friends who are married and in relationships. She told me I’m the only person she can’t talk to. I’ve never had a relationship so I can’t mock her. I’m someone who also gets depressed about the situation but I don’t feel the need to tell people this. She would send me messages about how sad she’s feeling this morning whereas I’m one track minded, focusing on my job and nothing else. When I’m home that’s time for me to feel disappointed but I won’t message her that. Also she will rely on me to look into fun activities to meet people. She hardly ever suggests. I don’t think I’m sour at all, the fact is people get coupled up and lose touch with friends. When they are single again they wanna hang. I didn’t check in because she would only ask me the same questions nothing else. I don’t feel the need to tell her I’m still struggling and how many 1st dates I’ve been on.

Yes I wondered why the OP insisted on getting together for "fun activities" and couldn't compromise more for hanging out and getting coffee.

Hanging out for coffee. Well I have friends who I can hang out for coffee and kill time and it’s always fun as we have a laugh. This friend leaves me drained if I’m going there honest. I feel I need to lighten up the mood. Make her laugh with my bad dates and cheer her up...

Hanging out for coffee. Well I have friends who I can hang out for coffee and kill time and it’s always fun as we have a laugh. This friend leaves me drained if I’m going there honest. I feel I need to lighten up the mood. Make her laugh with my bad dates and cheer her up...

That's interesting that you see it as killing time. Think about your personal definition of friendship and what your expectations/desires are as far as how you spend time together. When you get that clear then you'll be able to find friends who are compatible. I totally get that she leaves you drained -but my guess is unless you two went to a movie or an activity where you don't interact much you'd be drained even if it was "fun".

Sounds like a frenemy if she only wants to report on or complain about her dating life. Keep your distance if that type of thing is just devolving into draining drama.

Sounds like you don't really want to be friends with her anymore.

Just my opinion, with good friends, what they are going through and stage of life (single, married, with kids, without, divorcing, change of career, staying home for a bit to care for a child or loved one, ETC) - doesn't really matter. A friend is a friend because there is caring and enjoyment of each other on both sides.

Its ok to admit if you just don't really care for her . Not all friends last the test of time. This friendship sounds expired.

That's interesting that you see it as killing time. Think about your personal definition of friendship and what your expectations/desires are as far as how you spend time together. When you get that clear then you'll be able to find friends who are compatible. I totally get that she leaves you drained -but my guess is unless you two went to a movie or an activity where you don't interact much you'd be drained even if it was "fun".

I’ve suggested we go for movies, concerts board games To talk about something other than how men are. She only wants to meet over coffee.

I’ve suggested we go for movies, concerts board games To talk about something other than how men are. She only wants to meet over coffee.

She might have time constraints also so that the longer activities don't work. Convo topics are a separate issue - her focus sounds boring/same old/negative to me so IMO that's the main issue not the activity.

I think this was meant to be response to my post above:

Here’s how I see it. She only wants to tell me how miserable she’s feeling because she can’t tell her other friends who are married and in relationships. She told me I’m the only person she can’t talk to. I’ve never had a relationship so I can’t mock her. I’m someone who also gets depressed about the situation but I don’t feel the need to tell people this. She would send me messages about how sad she’s feeling this morning whereas I’m one track minded, focusing on my job and nothing else. When I’m home that’s time for me to feel disappointed but I won’t message her that. Also she will rely on me to look into fun activities to meet people. She hardly ever suggests. I don’t think I’m sour at all, the fact is people get coupled up and lose touch with friends. When they are single again they wanna hang. I didn’t check in because she would only ask me the same questions nothing else. I don’t feel the need to tell her I’m still struggling and how many 1st dates I’ve been on.

I see. It wasn't clear to me from your first post that your friend was a complainer. I do understand how draining complainers are.

It seems to me that you have two choices: keep her at arm's length (as you've been doing), or end the friendship.

I think the first option is probably the better way to go.

One thing I'd like to point out (because I think it's ironic): You don't enjoy your friend's company because you think she is a complainer. Yet here you are, doing the same thing (complaining). Reminds me of the old saying, "Birds of a feather flock together."

A final bit of advice: If you decide to stay friends, try to NOT complain about her. NOT complaining does wonders for your state of mind.