Desperately trying to fix a friendship

There's this guy I had been best friends with years ago. For reasons out of our control we began to drift apart although I always regretted that this was happening. I didn’t have the confidence to fix anything as I assumed the situation we were in was my fault and he probably hated me, even though friends do drift apart sometimes. There was also doubt that since he had new friends there would be no room for me. This was until I realized that I couldn’t go through life constantly looking backwards and regretting something that I could still fix. I should also mention here that this former friend is gay and I was the only friend he had/has of the same sex as the rest of his friends are female.

I finally built up the courage to message him at the beginning of last year. He replied and we started talking on and off for the next few weeks over the New Year period.

We seemed to have struck up a friendship of sorts (although online you can never tell) but as soon as we came back from the Christmas break he didn't really register me in public whenever we saw one another, or to put it another way, seemed to be deliberately trying to ignore me. Whether that be the rare occasion we came across each other in the campus corridors or even the dinner queue in the campus cafè, where he was constantly surrounded by his girlfriend’s anyway, and I lacked the confidence to strike up a conversation in fear of being humiliated in front of loads of people. Both of us are in different groups of friends entirely but I am best friends with one of his best friends. The odd time I did see him in the corridors he blanked me completely and it was only once or twice that I managed to start a conversation with him, where he'd be act like we were friends and be genuinely polite. I should also mention that in this time we'd still be having conversations on Facebook and getting along very well on there too.

I hadn’t the time to really do anything about this situation until mid-march and we had a few weeks off from campus. I decided to throw caution to the wind while we were messaging and I asked him if he’d be up for hanging out at some point in the hope that we could resume our friendship. He very politely replied saying that with upcoming exams he hadn’t the time to be doing anything social though he conveyed no interest in doing anything and didn’t offer to reschedule. This was fair enough but because he didn’t offer to reschedule doubt immediately crept into my mind.

Now, I am a very self-conscious person and have a suspicion that when I asked him to hang, he – perhaps quite understandably - thought that I was in fact asking him out which probably made him panic. This couldn’t have been further from the truth.

In the months that have followed we have both left campus and I do tend to see him around quite frequently though it is always quite awkward the way we both focus on something else in our surroundings when we do see each other. I know through friends that he has no issue with me at all but the whole situation now just feels really awkward!

In short, this has been upsetting me for months as I have been desperately trying to mentally figure out a way to fix it. On one hand part of me thinks that the whole situation is beyond repair whereas I am desperate to try and fix the mess I seem to have made. I really am crazy about him, though not in a weird way at all. Basically I’m full of regret and confusion and would really appreciate any help or thoughts.

Thank You

Just a thought, could he have possibly bad- mouthed you to his friends, and that's why he was avoiding you?

When that happens, that person will generally shun the other in public, where friends would see the interaction.

I'm a little confused, are you else gay? I'm thinking yes, so you may very well be correct in thinking you were asking him out, and he wasn't interested.

I'd honestly try to clear the misunderstanding one final time, before letting the friendship dissolve completely.

Reach out, say you miss the friendship, and ask if there's anything you can do to repair it.

Or, if they'd too much, just start with a small message, like "hey, it's been a while. Hope all is well with you" and see

if he replies. You can build it up further from three.

I had a BFF from age 5 to 22, who let our friendship go after our bf's at the time got in a fight.

I tried everything, she would not budge, so I let it go. I have seen her around and she looks the

other way. So be it. Some people will hold on to whatever bothers them, and cut ties. If it makes

you feel better, try. But don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. Be okay with it.

Now, I am a very self-conscious person and have a suspicion that when I asked him to hang, he – perhaps quite understandably - thought that I was in fact asking him out which probably made him panic. This couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Since he didn't reschedule after telling you he's too busy to socialize with you, I suggest that you've done everything you can to re-establish the friendship but he's not interested anymore. (???)

What happened that it resulted in a severed friendship in the first place? You don't mention and that bit of information may change perspective altogether.

Just a thought, could he have possibly bad- mouthed you to his friends, and that's why he was avoiding you?

When that happens, that person will generally shun the other in public, where friends would see the interaction.

 

I'm a little confused, are you else gay? I'm thinking yes, so you may very well be correct in thinking you were asking him out, and he wasn't interested.

I'd honestly try to clear the misunderstanding one final time, before letting the friendship dissolve completely.

Reach out, say you miss the friendship, and ask if there's anything you can do to repair it.

Or, if they'd too much, just start with a small message, like "hey, it's been a while. Hope all is well with you" and see

if he replies. You can build it up further from three.

 

I had a BFF from age 5 to 22, who let our friendship go after our bf's at the time got in a fight.

I tried everything, she would not budge, so I let it go. I have seen her around and she looks the

other way. So be it. Some people will hold on to whatever bothers them, and cut ties. If it makes

you feel better, try. But don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out. Be okay with it.

Hi, thank you so much for your response.

I hadn't thought of that possibility but I have asked his (and my) best friend and she has said that there are no problems from his side.

No, I'm not gay but not your typical "bloke" and I think I was sending out the wrong vibes. As I said since he and I were friends he hasn't had any friends who are guys and it was probably a bit strange for me to come out of the blue in a friendly manner.

I think i'm going to reach out one last time just for closure. I've tried to let it go but eventually I always end up thinking about it. I can't go through the rest of my life constantly looking back with regret and at this stage surely i've nothing to lose?

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :( That must tear you to pieces, I know I would be devastated!

I doubt that he panicked because he thought you were asking him out on a date. I think he just didn't want to go considering that he totally ignores you when he sees you in person.

 

Since he didn't reschedule after telling you he's too busy to socialize with you, I suggest that you've done everything you can to re-establish the friendship but he's not interested anymore. (???)

 

What happened that it resulted in a severed friendship in the first place? You don't mention and that bit of information may change perspective altogether.

It was my fault really. He moved up a school and when I eventually followed I was just so shy with everyone after having a bit of trouble with some peers, even though he made efforts to be friendly in public and in front of his new friends.

Just thinking about it now, could be be angry that I was so shy? It wasn't deliberate on my side It's just as I said, there had been issue with fellow peers which had really knocked my confidence.

Thank you so much for your response

Do you or he have social media? Contact/friend/follow him/whatever on there. 'Like' or comment positively every now and then. Stay on the radar but subtlety. Is there a romantic interest on your part?

Hi, thank you so much for your response.

 

I hadn't thought of that possibility but I have asked his (and my) best friend and she has said that there are no problems from his side.

 

No, I'm not gay but not your typical "bloke" and I think I was sending out the wrong vibes. As I said since he and I were friends he hasn't had any friends who are guys and it was probably a bit strange for me to come out of the blue in a friendly manner.

 

I think i'm going to reach out one last time just for closure. I've tried to let it go but eventually I always end up thinking about it. I can't go through the rest of my life constantly looking back with regret and at this stage surely i've nothing to lose?

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :( That must tear you to pieces, I know I would be devastated!

Thanks, it did tear me to pieces, but I learned to accept it. People who choose to walk out of our lives

we have to let go of, after giving it out best shot. It's part of life.

What Wiseman suggested is a good idea, and reaching out one last time to try to reopen the doors

is not going to cause any harm, so if it helps you with the regret, it's worth it. Odd he doesn't keep

male friendship, though. I have to wonder why it's females? At any rate, good luck.

Do you or he have social media? Contact/friend/follow him/whatever on there. 'Like' or comment positively every now and then. Stay on the radar but subtlety. Is there a romantic interest on your part?

Yeah we've got each other on Instagram and Snapchat etc and we always like each others posts as well. I've had time to think about this and honestly I just want to go back to being friends. That's the most important thing to me above all else.

Thank you for the response

Thanks, it did tear me to pieces, but I learned to accept it. People who choose to walk out of our lives

we have to let go of, after giving it out best shot. It's part of life.

 

What Wiseman suggested is a good idea, and reaching out one last time to try to reopen the doors

is not going to cause any harm, so if it helps you with the regret, it's worth it. Odd he doesn't keep

male friendship, though. I have to wonder why it's females? At any rate, good luck.

It is strange but I must say that people who are aware/have been aware of him have been really horrible to him on in the past and he isn't well liked among some guys because he only has female friends.

Could a reason he has been so distant is because he's just not used to guys trying to be friendly for once?

It is strange but I must say that people who are aware/have been aware of him have been really horrible to him on in the past and he isn't well liked among some guys because he only has female friends.

 

Could a reason he has been so distant is because he's just not used to guys trying to be friendly for once?

I'm not really sure. I wish I had that answer for you. It would be great to be able to read the minds of others

to know their thoughts, I lean towards saying no, he wouldn't push away a guy offering friendship just because

other guys are not friendly, but anything is possible. I feel it's deeper than that. I'm also wondering if perhaps he

did think you were gay as well, and was upset you aren't?

You can think of reasons why all day, geez I'm not helping you now, lol because I'm adding to it, and I shouldn't!

Just talking to you as I would a friend though. The thing is, your mutual friend says he fine, from his side.

It's possible his life just went in an opposite direction and he didn't feel friendship was beneficial at that point any longer.

The only way to ease your mind is make an attempt. If it fails, accept it and dont dwell on it.

I'm not really sure. I wish I had that answer for you. It would be great to be able to read the minds of others

to know their thoughts, I lean towards saying no, he wouldn't push away a guy offering friendship just because

other guys are not friendly, but anything is possible. I feel it's deeper than that. I'm also wondering if perhaps he

did think you were gay as well, and was upset you aren't?

 

You can think of reasons why all day, geez I'm not helping you now, lol because I'm adding to it, and I shouldn't!

Just talking to you as I would a friend though. The thing is, your mutual friend says he fine, from his side.

It's possible his life just went in an opposite direction and he didn't feel friendship was beneficial at that point any longer.

 

The only way to ease your mind is make an attempt. If it fails, accept it and dont dwell on it.

Thanks for your (and everyone else's responses). You've made me feel better about the whole situation. I'll give him a message over the next few days and if it isn't happening then I can end it knowing there was nothing else I could do.

Just need to build up the guts to message him, haha

Cheers,

Steve