Girlfriend confessed some things that don't really bother me, but I fear she wants to dump me

So a little over a week ago, my gf of 2 years told me that she feels that she has compromised a lot of herself to be with me and fears for the future with us together. When I asked her what she means, she told me she smokes a lot pot (and still does) and has tried shrooms once (I have voiced that I am against drug usage in the past, which is probably why she hid this from me). She also told me that she thinks I'm "too conservative" whereas she feels more liberal and thinks this might be a problem when we have kids, despite the fact that she has literally agreed with every "right winged" view I've spouted, and has even parroted them to others (though I'm entirely aware she was just feeding me what she thought I wanted to hear).

She was crying hysterically when she told me all of this. Considering that she has been incredibly stressed out this past month for no explicable reason, this didn't really come to me as a shock.

All I could respond with is;

"I don't know why you waited until now to tell me all of this. Regardless, I think we could make it work, but we would probably need to both come to a compromise. But my opinion doesn't matter right now, what I want to know now is do you want to end things with me? Do you want to break up with me? If that's what you want then tell me the truth."

She told me that she never said anything because she was terrified to upset me and lose me (and was fully prepared for me to throw her out of my house in anger once she confessed). As far as breaking up goes, she said she doesn't want to make the wrong decision. She said she fears that things may not work for us in the future, but said she loves and respects me soooo much and doesn't want to lose me, and still wants to try make things work. After some back and forth about feelings and stuff, we agreed that we were gonna try to make us work because it was clear that neither of us wanted to break up.

What I found kind of odd is the last time we hung out (just a few days ago as of today), it's as if everything she said never happened. Like everything was normal despite what she confessed to me, in fact she was even more affectionate/loving than she usually is. She wasn't at all stressed, she was completely relaxed with me. No mention of her drug habits, no mention of disagreeing with my views. Nothing. As if this super important confession that was making her doubt the possibility of marriage with me has lost all it's weight.

Ironically, her confession doesn't even bother me because I've come to the point that I love her unconditionally. I love her for things that has nothing to do with her views/habits, and I'm just happy whenever I'm around her. But for whatever reason, now I can't stop fearing the worst, I can't stop being paranoid (but only when we aren't physically together/talking on the phone).

Is it over for the two of us? Is she just biding her time to dump me now? Am I being cheated on and I don't even realize it? Does she even love me? Like I could ask her, and her answer may satisfy me at the time, but those thoughts will just flood back the moment we aren't physically together.

Did all this go down through texting?

Something triggered her confession so you would be wise to keep your eyes wide open but your mouth shut.

Have any of her habits changed? Working late? Loosing weight? New clothes? New friends? More secretive with her phone?

Relationships are built on trust and respect so if you do not trust her any longer it is only a matter of time before it causes all kinds of problems.

Work on your insecurities and be happy with your life alone or with her in it.

Lost

Did all this go down through texting?

 

Something triggered her confession so you would be wise to keep your eyes wide open but your mouth shut.

 

Have any of her habits changed? Working late? Loosing weight? New clothes? New friends? More secretive with her phone?

 

Relationships are built on trust and respect so if you do not trust her any longer it is only a matter of time before it causes all kinds of problems.

 

Work on your insecurities and be happy with your life alone or with her in it.

This was all in person, at my house.

What triggered it was that she was acting overly stressed for no explicable reason (aside from the mass amount of homework she had to complete for school at the time) and despite my best efforts of trying to see what's wrong the whole month, she wouldn't tell me anything. It got to the point that I saw her texting a guy friend who lives across the country (I told her I was uncomfortable with her talking to during the beginning of the relationship and she did stop, until that day), and I asked her why she's texting him. She assured me it was nothing, I called her on her bluff and I then asked to see the texts. Sure enough she was telling him that she was doubting that we will last and she doesn't know what she's feeling and he kept replying with "just break up with him over texts lmao, be a b*tch" despite her pleas to him that she is not that kind of person and would never do that.

"If you want to break up, just break up with me. I don't appreciate you talking behind my back, especially to a guy I told you I didn't like you talking to. Otherwise tell me what is going on so we can figure this out together." Is how I reacted to the texts I saw. Then she confessed (after considerable probing).

She isn't secretive with her phone at all. She leaves it in the open all the time. I don't necessarily distrust her or believe her to be cheating. Nothing in her life has changed, aside from the fact that she had a lot of essays/papers/exams piled on her these past 5-6 weeks and she has been acting stressed ever since then. And ever since she confessed, everything has reverted back to normal as far as I'm concerned.

I should add that in terms of marijuana, she told me that she had quit for nearly a year, but started again in October when school started stressing her out. Which is probably why she felt the need to tell me in the first place.

Is it really just me being insecure? Is this why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling? Because if that's all it is, I could write this all off and stop overthinking it.

Her confiding her relationship worries with another guy is a huge red flag to me.

That speaks of more of a systemic relationship issue that doesn't boil down to an easy fix.

Her telling you all this is another.

I hate to say this but I would trust your gut. Something is amiss.

Good luck.

My take on it is, she's been considering this for some time. While testing the waters she got scared and ran back.

She'll swing back and forth until she decides what to do or gets the guts to do it.

Just be prepared for anything. I don't think this is the last you've heard about it.

Her confiding her relationship worries with another guy is a huge red flag to me.

 

That speaks of more of a systemic relationship issue that doesn't boil down to an easy fix.

 

Her telling you all this is another.

 

I hate to say this but I would trust your gut. Something is amiss.

 

Good luck.

She barely texted him as far as I could see. I don't actually even know who started the conversation because I only looked at the first few recent ones. She was talking far more with her girl friends about her woes (which I didn't even bother looking at). The last time we hung out, I happened to see her text conversations list, and it appeared that she had not responded to the guy since that confession day.

I don't know what systematic relationship issue I could possibly narrow it down to, but I guess you said it's no easy fix. Something is amiss, but what? What am I even keeping my eyes open for?

Why are you ignoring these glaring differences between your values and hers? She is dealing with pretty basic life stress and she can't handle it and her solution is to get high.....I mean.... I'm just curious, how will you react when you come home to find your infant is screaming hungry and in soiled diapers and your wife is stoned on the couch because she is just too stressed out with all this getting up in the middle of night and not sleeping stuff with the child.

I think you need to wake up yourself and consider better what it is you have with her and whether it's genuinely viable or not. There are some things that love doesn't fix or overcome.

She has gone to the cheating side of town, I am sorry to say

Ironically, her confession doesn't even bother me because I've come to the point that I love her unconditionally. I love her for things that has nothing to do with her views/habits, and I'm just happy whenever I'm around her. But for whatever reason, now I can't stop fearing the worst, I can't stop being paranoid (but only when we aren't physically together/talking on the phone).

Stop right there. You do *not* love a girlfriend unconditional. That love is very conditional -- as in, if you broke up with her, in time, you would no longer lover. You would meet someone else and have another great love. Unconditional love is how a parent loves a baby - or should be. Also, you are talking about blind acceptance of even her most destructive habits.

I think she is talking this way because a) she is influenced by her attraction to this guy and is having an emotional affair with him b) something else has gotten into her head about differing values (that don't actually differ because you are willing to compromise your values by having a relationship with a drug user - and btw her drug use and not your 'more conservative values' will ultimately hurt kids). She also may feel she has "gotten caught".

I think you should look long and hard if this is the woman you would have kids with - drug use and all - and if you can't see her someday as MRs Technoboy, you let her go. I think she is trying to get you to break up with her so she doesn't have to do it. She is checking out of this relationship for whatever reason that i think is not the made up reasons she states. I don't see this lasting

Why are you ignoring these glaring differences between your values and hers? She is dealing with pretty basic life stress and she can't handle it and her solution is to get high.....I mean.... I'm just curious, how will you react when you come home to find your infant is screaming hungry and in soiled diapers and your wife is stoned on the couch because she is just too stressed out with all this getting up in the middle of night and not sleeping stuff with the child.

 

I think you need to wake up yourself and consider better what it is you have with her and whether it's genuinely viable or not. There are some things that love doesn't fix or overcome.

I simply don't think she's so immature that she would get high instead of tending to our kid. I've seen how she is with kids (specifically her 1 year old neice), and she really does seem to have patience with kids. The fact that she quit for nearly a year speaks volumes to me at least that she isn't dependent on it. I think the marijuana thing has much more to do with that she does it with her friends. I think she merely tried excusing herself of using marijuana by saying it was for a specific purpose instead of just getting high.

Recall that I told her we need to come to a compromise of some sort regardless.

She has gone to the cheating side of town, I am sorry to say

How could I even know or prove this is the case aside from wild assumptions? Talking to her guy friend who lives on the opposite end of the country seems a little farfetched to assume she's having sex with him. Not only that, this guy has been in a long committed relationship with a completely different girl.

Look man, I don't want to do something irrational just because some people on the internet told me so. Please do elaborate why you think she's cheating. Only reason I jumped to the cheating conclusion in my original post is because I have been cheated on before, and granted it was far more obvious with my ex (I caught her on tinder messaging other guys). I'm purely paranoid due to what happened to me in the past.

I simply don't think she's so immature that she would get high instead of tending to our kid. I've seen how she is with kids (specifically her 1 year old neice), and she really does seem to have patience with kids. The fact that she quit for nearly a year speaks volumes to me at least that she isn't dependent on it. I think the marijuana thing has much more to do with that she does it with her friends. I think she merely tried excusing herself of using marijuana by saying it was for a specific purpose instead of just getting high.

 

Recall that I told her we need to come to a compromise of some sort regardless.

Pot can definitely cause infertility. Also, when one spends time with a niece or a nephew, they play and then give them back. The child is not at their home where drug paraphenalia is, or to experience their parent reeking of pot. Someone who is taking drugs "because they are with their friends" is easily caving to peer pressure.

Bottom line, is that she doubts this relationship will last and she has told you so - she has one foot out the door.

How could I even know or prove this is the case aside from wild assumptions? Talking to her guy friend who lives on the opposite end of the country seems a little farfetched to assume she's having sex with him. Not only that, this guy has been in a long committed relationship with a completely different girl.

 

Look man, I don't want to do something irrational just because some people on the internet told me so. Please do elaborate why you think she's cheating. Only reason I jumped to the cheating conclusion in my original post is because I have been cheated on before, and granted it was far more obvious with my ex (I caught her on tinder messaging other guys). I'm purely paranoid due to what happened to me in the past.

"the cheating side of town" = figure of speech from the song. She doesn't have to travel to cheat. An emotional affair begins when one regularly communicates with a member of the opposite sex, confides in them things that they should be confiding to their significant other - and this gets in the way of the relationship. Even talking secretively Also talking to him about the details of your relationship - that it won't last - etc - is a lack of loyalty. many people carry on emotional affairs for years before having a physical one.

If she is unhappy, she should be working on her relationship with you - not telling another guy about it.

If you consider its only cheating if there is sex --- then you can do that -- but based on many threads here, many find emotional affairs harder to get over than a one time indiscretion.

I had a similar experience with my boyfriend. We had been together for a little over a year when he suddenly one day broke up with me completely out of the blue. He was so sad and stressed out and he said he still loved me but that he had compromised too much of himself lately. The day after though, he came to my house and told me that he couldn't live without me and that he wanted to make things work. I was thrilled because I loved him more than anything and I just couldn't imagine us apart. I thought everything was fine again, but I started feeling very insecure and paranoid every time we weren't physically together or having any type of contact. I just kept feeling like he could break up with me any moment. It resulted in me overthinking and becoming so paranoid that I could barely function without him. I actually got a mild depression (all this happened at a time when my life was really turbulent and it was probably all those things colliding) and I was just so sad all the time because I thought of how much I loved him.

We broke up three months ago (8 months after the first "breakup"). There were some other reasons for that, but I am sure that if we hadn't broken up I would still be paranoid and insecure all the time. I was just having such a hard time letting it go.

Our situations are different of course but I think I understand where your feelings of insecurity come from, and I hope my experience can give you a bit of perspective.

I think you should consider if you want to feel this insecure in your relationship or if you want to have a sense of security and trust with your partner. You should not feel paranoid, you should be able to trust that this person wants to be with you. And you shouldn't have to guess. If she is unhappy about something in your relationship, she should tell you so you can work on it. Love is about communication, compromise and trust.