would you give someone 5 chances?

After being with someone for four years and having to give them chance after chance I am finally at the end of it.

I have given this person chance after chance. We recently moved out together and I had to leave because the emotional abuse was too much. Every time I asked him to talk he said that I wasn't being an adult and there was no reason to sit down and talk about things.

I felt so ignored and taken for granted. I've done so much to be with him and all he does is ignore how i feel about things he does.

I left him and went back to my parents house because I couldn't stand the crazy behaviour. he said I smiled at a car in the dark when i never even smiled and if I did what was the big deal? it was the neighbour pulling into the driveway late at night. I don't understand how that becomes a problem.

he's been asking me to go back home but I don't know if I can put up with that any longer.

I went to pick him up the other day just to talk and he ed at me for taking 3 hours. I was calling him the entire time and telling time that I was confused and driving around relentlessly because I didn't know what to do and this was a tough choice. when I finally got there he started yelling at me and stressing me out even more and putting more pressure on me instead of being understanding.

he proceeded to put his child in my car and then went back into the house all the while still talking crap and making me feel uncomfortable.

finally , I told him to take his son out of my car so I could leave because u wasn't about to put up with that attitude and he got angry and cursed at me infront of his son and slammed my car door and I drove off. he says I disrespected his son when i feel like he disrespected me....

I am a grown woman, I have never disrespected his kids in any way being with him for four years and the fact that he went off like that really hurt me and makes me think that he's just not worth all the stress. I deserve to be respected and not sworn at infront of anyone's kids especially since I didn't disrespect his child. all I said was get your son out of my car so that I can leave because I won't put up with this attitude/behaviour.

was i wrong for doing so?

No. You did the right thing. Don't go back to him either. He has some insecurities.

Definitely sounds abusive.

I don't think you were wrong for doing so but it really does depend on how you asked him. Did you ask in a matter of fact and calm way or did you scream it at him?

Anyway, it really doesn't matter at this point. I think the important thing is for you to go zero contact with him now so that you can get over him. You've had a trial go at living together and that didn't work out well at all. No point going any further with him including doing any talking to him.

my exact words were "alright I'm not putting up with this crappy attitude of yours I'm going through so much stress because of you and you could be understanding but instead chose to add stress onto me. Can you get your son out of my car I want to leave

I wasn't calm.. I was upset and rightfully so.

he came into my car complaining how it's a mess and it wasn't even. since he's used my vehicle before he left garbage everywhere and there has been an instance where there were a swarm of flies about 20 flies or more and when i opened the door they flew out at me. when I thought it was over and got into my car a whole other set of black flies started flying everywhere. I had to run out of the car. the fact that he would say my car is dirty and he's kept it in terrible condition before irritated me. I felt like he's a hypocrite who just wants to find any excuse to sh** on my life and make me feel messed up.

What exactly does "I wasn't calm" mean. If you were ranting and raving then you probably were disrespectful to his son who has nothing to do with your ex and your arguing and being unable to be respectful to one another. Children don't need to be witnessing adults being 'not calm' with one another and by the sounds of things, this relationship has been tumultuous enough without him having to be subjected to more of it while he's strapped into a car.

Now... I understand why you were upset but that doesn't make it okay to be upset in front of his kid. At this point whether or not you disrespected his child is moot. The relationship is toast so do your best to get on with getting over the guy and don't go back for more of this not-getting-along-with-him.

So: What do you mean by "I wasn't calm?" What exactly were you? Were you yelling, were you crying, were you shouting, were you irate but talking in a normal voice?

You know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. You've given him 5 chances too many as it is. Please do yourself a huge favor and forget he exists and move on. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve better than an abusive a hole.

This sounds like a very toxic relationship with a lot of game-playing on both sides. If you can stay calm and detached, it's very clear when the person you're with is emotionally abusive and the decision to leave is much easier. However, by getting upset and yelling at him, you're contributing to the situation. Not causing it, but contributing to it.

In answer to your question, years ago I met a lovely guy. He was lovely for the first few months, then his behaviour started getting controlling and abusive, to the point that it was a mind ****. I put up with this for six weeks or so - he was under a lot of pressure at the time, and it could have been that he just couldn't handle it very well - until I realised that THIS was the relationship if I wanted to stay in it. In fact, it was this relationship which brought me to ENA. The advice I received was "Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit!"

...and that's the advice I pass on to you. Rather than trying to maintain a relationship with this guy, continually protesting at being treated appallingly but not actually moving on, put your energies into your own life and creating an environment for yourself where you can thrive and flourish. This isn't going to happen while you're involved with a deadbeat. Don't waste any more time talking; you've been doing that for years and it's made no difference...

I wasn't ranting or raving. I was more so pleading and trying to defend myself. Was I yelling? no. was I trying to get his attention to what I was asking him to do? yes. was i an emotional wreck? ya. thats what i mean by not calm. i was on the verge of tears but i wasnt crying. i was trying to contain emotions. does he ignore me frequently like I've mentioned? yes.

his kid is not my concern. I'm not the one that swore or started the fight and then proceeded to curse me out infront of his son. I was more than understanding with his kids jist like i have been for four years. I've never once disrespected them so for him to act like this was a constant thing and curse me infront of his son I find to be disrespectful on his part. I was frustrated as well. My point is, if you don't want your son in a bad environment then don't instigate one and act like i put him there. he's the one that got ignorant and started cursing and slamming doors. if that's mature parenting then I must be nuts. I wouldn't subject my kids to that. he loves to fight and put down others and then to act like i was wrong for telling him I want to leave n get his child out of my car because I don't want it to escalate isn't my issue.

I tried to deescalate the situation by leaving and not sticking around and have him and his son leave so I could drive away.

thats probably the best thing I have ever read...

I've been feeling a lot like that lately..just to focus on myself. and I guess it's really hard to cut someone off after so long.. it's doable but it takes a lot of guts when youre so familiar with someone and it's been part of you for a long time. I'm currently just trying to accept thst and move forward. it won't be a walk in the park

thanks

thats probably the best thing I have ever read...

I've been feeling a lot like that lately..just to focus on myself. and I guess it's really hard to cut someone off after so long.. it's doable but it takes a lot of guts when youre so familiar with someone and it's been part of you for a long time. I'm currently just trying to accept thst and move forward. it won't be a walk in the park

thanks

Yes, it should be easy to move on from someone who mistreats you, but it never is. So know that you are not alone in struggling with that. Just stay strong and walk away. Once you get past this you'll look back with relief and realize that he was never worth your time, love, life, care.....anything really and thank yourself finding the guts to leave. There is better out there for you, but you have to be free of this guy first.

Most successful relationships don't have any second chances, none are required.

Also, that definition of insanity isn't actually the definition just one coined supposedly from Einstein.

Reducing your focus to the nits of any given argument is how you lose sight of the bigger picture: you've spent 4 years of your life complaining about this guy without anything changing.

When nothing changes, then nothing changes.

I'd skip the nits and make changes where you actually have control--your own choices and your own life.

Leave him behind, focus on reaching your own higher ground, and you'll thank yourself later.