Almost caused a fight between two people without meaning it.

Hi everyone.

So, I have been on vacation for a week now. I am at a nice place with lots of waterfalls, trekking and so on. A friend of mine moved here to work with tourism a few months ago and I came to visit him and get to know the place.

It was all good and everything. My friend has to work everyday but I manage to do trekking and rock climbing with other people he introduced me to. The other day I was rock climbing with his friends and one of them said a few things about my friend that I thought wasn't so cool. He was very cool with me, I have no complaints about how he treated me whatsoever. But still, I was a bit annoyed by what he said about my friend. He joked that since my friend came here he never went rock climbing with them, he is always busy and so on. This is a joke, I get it. But he also said something like "who does he think he is, coming all the way here and climbing those routes and posting on the internet saying that he was the first one? people have been climbing here for decades". This last part is what annoyed me, this was pure criticism. I didn't think it was too serious but I decided to tell my friend about it.

And after I told him, he was pissed. Said that he didn't care, that the guy who said that is nothing and so on. So I decided to let it go. The next day he confronted the other guy and the other guy sort of denied having being serious about what he said. It started as a fight between them but the other guy stated that he didn't say those things in that way at all. My friend was convinced that the guy didn't mean it and it was me who said stuff the other guy didn't say. So he confronted me! Pointing fingers, saying I screwed up.

Now, after listening to what he said, I can agree that I exaggerated what the other guy said. I don't know why I did it but I did. I was somewhat drunk when I told him about it and I stated in a tone that sounded like "BE CAREFUL WITH THAT GUY, HE IS SAYING S*** ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK". Even the thing about "he never comes climbing with us" which I know it was a joke seemed like the other guy was criticizing my friend when I told him by the way I said it.

After my friend confronted me I stated that I didn't mean it. That indeed I exaggerated what he said, even though I didn't mean it. Told him I was sorry that I almost caused a fight between them. But that the other guy really said things behind his back, in my opinion. My friend said he didn't care, that it was not what he said, but the way I told him he said it that caused his reaction. But I told him that I was sorry for what I caused and that I was up to talk to the other guy as well, if he was interested.

Now, the other guy (and his close friends) are all pissed at me. In the end, it seems like I was the bad guy spreading lies and causing people to fight randomly. Now, it is the birthday of another guy in town. My friend told me he is going, since he is friends with the guy who is having his birthday but the other guys didn't want me there. He said that they asked "are you really friends with that guy?" and things like that.

Now, I know I made a mistake of exaggerating what he said. Specially since he was cool with me. But I hate being the "mean guy" in the end since I just wanted to tell my friend that the other guy wasn't really trustable. And know I am going out alone to some waterfall. I don't mind doing this kind of things by my own, but I do mind doing it by my own because people don't want me around.

Just wanted to let it out and hear what other people has to say. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff and this vacation was a manner of relaxing a bit, not get into this mess.

You should have kept your mouth shut.

This was not serous. Don't be a troublemaker!

Never put your nose into other peoples stuff. We all get anoyed by our friends some times,it doesnt mean we think any less of them if sometimes we get angry with them.

Learn from this! Keep your mouth shut and dont spread gossip and comments around. You see what can happen. You didnt mean any harm but you caused some.

Yes I am learning from this.

But I want to point out the following: the guy did indeed say uncool things. To me when someone says "who does he think he is...?" is not a thing a friend would do. He stated it in a critical way. At the time I did find it strange that he would say it in front of me. My intention was just to let my friend know about who the guy was behind his back. So to me this is not gossip, it is just a heads up. I am aware that unfortunately I caused harm by the way I said it. And in a way, I think I did want to cause them trouble. I have been thinking a lot about why I acted this way. It seemed as if I wanted to create a fight between them and this is unacceptable.

I am feeling guilty for what I did when I just wanted to let him know what was said.

Now, my friend is hot and cold with me, which I can see why, obviously. The funny thing is that it appears that he and the other guy are closer.

So I am planning to talk to him again, this time not in a defensive way as I did, and let him know that I am incredibly sorry for what I did. That I haven't been doing well lately, I am going through a tough depressive period of my life and I think I forced this into him because of the way I feel about stuff he has nothing to do with, which again, is unacceptable. I don't want it to sound as an excuse though, I want it to sound like I am taking responsibility for what I did and that it won't happen ever again.

I don't want it to sound as an excuse though, I want it to sound like I am taking responsibility for what I did and that it won't happen ever again.

Then leave all the excuses out.

You wanted to cause strife, and you did. You didn't want it to blow back on you, and it did.

Then leave all the excuses out.

 

You wanted to cause strife, and you did. You didn't want it to blow back on you, and it did.

Yes, at some level I wanted. This I am going to work by myself from now on.

But I feel like I should say something to him. I am not sure how to proceed though.

Apologize without excuses.

No "I'm sorry I did this, but it was because of X and Y". That sounds like you're saying "I did it, but it's NOT MY FAULT!!!" and that you expect him to feel sorry for YOU because you had a bad day and chose to start drama so others would be miserable too.

Nope, a simple "I'm sorry. I was wrong and I regret what I did" would be best. Then, leave it. Wait for your friend to respond. If he doesn't, well, you learned a life lesson.

Great. I will go by your advise. Thank you.

No excuses. Apologize, and tell him exactly the way the guy said it. He can make his own decision.

Pot stirrers get quick reputations for being troublemakers rather than 'helpers'. It makes zero sense to try to excuse what you did--you did it on purpose.

When someone speaks badly of someone you care about, your only valid choices are: 1) keep your mouth shut and let the chips fall where they will, 2) defend the person on the spot to the face of the one who's badmouthing them, or 3) carry the tale will full knowledge that you're deliberately creating enemies--not just for the other, but also for yourself.

We all live and learn.