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SO is upset that they're not invited to a holiday


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Hi,

 

2 weeks ago, I discussed plans with my SO to join me on a family holiday. They said they would love to but that they could not afford it. A week ago they said they wanted to come, but was unsure again. Since the holiday was getting more pricier, I decided to book it with my family and without my SO.

 

After telling my SO, they became confused as to why I didn't pay for them. After discussing the miscommunication, I offered to book a flight on the same day I booked my own and they could pay it back within the month. My SO refused and said they were not invited. Although I never directly asked them to come, I expressed the details of the holiday in hopes that they would say yes. They did but said they couldn't afford it, therefore I took that as a no.

 

We are also going on another holiday before this one, with myself paying for the majority of it as a gift. Is my SO's behaviour out of hand or do I need to improve my communication skills? Should I just stop convincing them to come?

 

Thanks for reading.

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Yeah, who is "they?" The person didnt give you a straight answer so you went ahead and booked the trip without them. That's their fault for not being direct with you if they really did want to go. Next time be very specific about getting a yes or no answer out of them

 

I was not specific when asking my SO before booking flights. After, I did directly ask several times and they said that because I booked without them, they didn't want to go. I tried to explain to my SO that I could book with no extra cost as it was within hours of my initial booking but because I did not book them with my family, my SO got upset.

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Did he say he couldn't afford it but expected you to offer payment? Then, when you did offer payment but on another flight he complained? If I were you, I'd just go on holiday and let him sulk. You offered twice and that's one too many, IMO.

 

You sound like you're being taken advantage of and that you're with someone who you will have a hard time pleasing. Someone who makes you jump through hoops and who is NOT a good communicator. (and here you are being worried that you're not communicating well, humph).

 

If he really wanted to go with you, then the alternate flight would have been accepted. You are already giving a trip as a gift. Just go with your family on this one and forget the manipulation and petulance from your partner.

 

Adding: I'm pretty sure he wanted you to pay when he said he couldn't afford it and when you said he could pay you back in instalments he got all pissy on you. Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to take advantage of you... How long have you been dating?

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Did he say he couldn't afford it but expected you to offer payment? Then, when you did offer payment but on another flight he complained? If I were you, I'd just go on holiday and let him sulk. You offered twice and that's one too many, IMO.

 

You sound like you're being taken advantage of and you're with someone who you will have a hard time making happy no matter how you communicate. If he really wanted to go with you, then the alternate flight would have been accepted.

 

Myself and my SO are going on a separate holiday before the one with my family. As a gift, I purchased flights and accommodation for this holiday.

 

The second holiday with my family was booked by myself again, but under the intention that my SO couldn't afford to go on both holidays. After booking the second holiday, my SO then told me that they could afford it so I offered to pay for the flights now and my SO would pay me back (So I'm paying for the 1st holiday and the 2nd one is split 50/50 on expenses).

 

The reason behind this post is that I offered a very simple solution of adding them to the holiday after my SO said they could afford it and it turned into an argument, with my SO saying "you should have directly asked me to come". I didn't ask them directly, but I gave them extensive details about it being a "couples" holiday. Obviously I wanted my SO to come so this confuses me.

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I added this to my post prior to seeing your post #9

 

Adding: I'm pretty sure he wanted you to pay when he said he couldn't afford it and when you said he could pay you back in instalments he got all pissy on you. Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to take advantage of you... How long have you been dating?
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Adding: I'm pretty sure he wanted you to pay when he said he couldn't afford it and when you said he could pay you back in instalments he got all pissy on you. Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to take advantage of you... How long have you been dating?

 

Less than a year. The reason they said they can pay back now is that they recently got a job. I'm unsure if they are the sort to take advantage of me. They usually try and pay back on other expenses, however I earn more than my SO and they're aware of that. I think the main issue is miscommunication and I'm looking for advice on how to discuss this with my SO.

 

One of the issues we have is that during an argument, I tend to talk too much (as you can tell from this thread) and they respond with short replies. Is this an issue I should drop until they decide they want to come? Thanks for reading.

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... and this:

If he really wanted to go with you, then the alternate flight would have been accepted. You are already giving a trip as a gift. Just go with your family on this one and forget the manipulation and petulance from your partner.

 

You've been dating less then a year and he/she sounds petulant and childish. You have been trying your best to accommodate and no matter what you do, it's not pleasing her/him so just go by yourself now and have fun. In future if he/she wants to come then tell her to communicate as much to you as you're not a mind reader.

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... and this:

 

You've been dating less then a year and he/she sounds petulant and childish. You have been trying your best to accommodate and no matter what you do, it's not pleasing her/him so just go by yourself now and have fun. In future if he/she wants to come then tell her to communicate as much to you as you're not a mind reader.

 

I actually said the last sentence of this to her out of anger, which I regret. However seeing this makes me think it's somewhat justified.

 

Another question: my SO then stated that they will instead go on a holiday in the same location with friends. Should that statement be looked into?

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I actually said the last sentence of this to her out of anger, which I regret. However seeing this makes me think it's somewhat justified.

 

Another question: my SO then stated that they will instead go on a holiday in the same location with friends. Should that statement be looked into?

What a child. Sorry, but you're dating an entitlement princess who didn't get her way so now she's doing something she thinks will punish you.

 

This display from her over something that you've tried your best to rectify is a huge red flag. Keep your eyes open for more. She's beginning to show you who she really is.

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What a child. Sorry, but you're dating an entitlement princess who didn't get her way so now she's doing something she thinks will punish you.

 

This display from her over something that you've tried your best to rectify is a huge red flag. Keep your eyes open for more. She's beginning to show you who she really is.

 

I've explained to them that I was in a prior relationship where they would state that they would go off without me (weeks before the argument today) so it was quite low if intentional. The majority of this relationship is a breath of fresh air coming from an abusive one prior.

 

Nevertheless given that they are now employed, I should be more firm in costs being 50/50 and see if there is much protest. Thank you for your contribution and clarification!

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Ok - I know you are saying "they" to hide gender - but just say he or she because its' easier to read and understand because you are also talking about your family here.

 

I am going to call them "Jean" which could be a female name or a French male name.

 

To me, going on a family trip would be the most important trip of the three if the others were for strictly pleasure.

 

This is how I would have approached it - let's say trip #1 was already booked for you and Jean. You find out trip #2 is going to be a family trip. I would have said "Hey, Jean, there is a trip coming up that my family has invited me to. I would love if you would be able to make it so they could get to know you better."

 

Jean: We are going on two trips and i don't think i can swing another.

You: Why don't we skip the third trip so you can come meet my extended family.

 

In actual, you had two trips already planned. The family trip was the third trip planned, though it came before the second trip you were taking together. At first you didn't really invite Jean, you just started booking tickets and Jean couldn't swing it. Jean expressed to you that they would really like to go, but couldn't afford it and expected if you wanted them to spend time with your family, that you'd swing the ticket - but in some way feels awkard.

 

I think what you have to decide going forward is - are you a committed couple or just dating. If you are a committed couple - going steady, etc, then you need to talk about thngs better ahead of time. If you think you have a family trip planned - talk about it as a couple so you know how to plan other trips around it and budget for it.

OR also, you need to be more direct - instead of just talking about what you are doing - make it clear that you are going alone and are looking forward to the trip with Jean when you return or be clear that Jean is invited and you want them to be there. None of this just talking about going on a trip and not inviting Jean, then laying on the "i wish you were coming" thing.

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Ok - I know you are saying "they" to hide gender - but just say he or she because its' easier to read and understand because you are also talking about your family here.

 

I am going to call them "Jean" which could be a female name or a French male name.

 

To me, going on a family trip would be the most important trip of the three if the others were for strictly pleasure.

 

This is how I would have approached it - let's say trip #1 was already booked for you and Jean. You find out trip #2 is going to be a family trip. I would have said "Hey, Jean, there is a trip coming up that my family has invited me to. I would love if you would be able to make it so they could get to know you better."

 

Jean: We are going on two trips and i don't think i can swing another.

You: Why don't we skip the third trip so you can come meet my extended family.

 

In actual, you had two trips already planned. The family trip was the third trip planned, though it came before the second trip you were taking together. At first you didn't really invite Jean, you just started booking tickets and Jean couldn't swing it. Jean expressed to you that they would really like to go, but couldn't afford it and expected if you wanted them to spend time with your family, that you'd swing the ticket - but in some way feels awkard.

 

I think what you have to decide going forward is - are you a committed couple or just dating. If you are a committed couple - going steady, etc, then you need to talk about thngs better ahead of time. If you think you have a family trip planned - talk about it as a couple so you know how to plan other trips around it and budget for it.

OR also, you need to be more direct - instead of just talking about what you are doing - make it clear that you are going alone and are looking forward to the trip with Jean when you return or be clear that Jean is invited and you want them to be there. None of this just talking about going on a trip and not inviting Jean, then laying on the "i wish you were coming" thing.

 

I'm not sure why three trips are referenced here. There is only the 1st trip which is between myself and SO. The second is my family with/without my SO. We had discussed both trips beforehand, but my SO stated that if they were to come on the 1st trip with just me, they couldn't afford the 2nd one.

 

Then SO got a job and had money come in, but their statement was still the same. Therefore, I assumed SO wasn't coming and planned it with my family. I expressed that I wanted SO to come as it was a "couples" holiday as well as family based, but my SO's argument was that I never directly asked despite going into extensive detail.

 

Over a week later, we book the holiday and I let my SO know. SO turns around and asks why I didn't book a ticket for them. Cue confusion.

 

So in summary, the second trip didn't come out of nowhere for SO. I just left SO out of the planning when they said they couldn't afford it. Now after I booked it did SO say I can afford it. I said great let me add you to the flights. SO says that because I didn't discuss recent changes in the planning over the past week, SO feels excluded and doesn't want to come.

 

they/their = SO

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I'm not sure why three trips are referenced here. There is only the 1st trip which is between myself and SO. The second is my family with/without my SO. We had discussed both trips beforehand, but my SO stated that if they were to come on the 1st trip with just me, they couldn't afford the 2nd one.

 

I am with your SO on this one a little. They told you "if you want me to come on the first, trip, I can't come on the second trip". They didn't say "I can't afford to come to your family trip. have fun and i''ll catch up with you later" The ball was in your court there.

 

If it was a couples trip and you wanted "jean" there, you should have said "I rather you come with me to see my family, and we will go to the Bahamas/China/Fiji or wherever you planned to go on the first trip another time." From my experience, there is a little bit of unspoken pressure in a couple about the significance of being included with family. (ie, if they are noticeably absent when everyone is there as a couple, etc...) Since it was your family trip, it was up to you to prioritize which one was most important for you to have Betty Jean or Jean valjean with you. At that time of discussing the trips, I would have either said that the family trip was more important OR to present the idea AT THAT TIME that you would help them with their airfare and they could pay you back rather than only offering that at the last minute. (or they'd get the next one when you visited their family - whatever). Offering to help at the last minute just causes complications.

 

I would feel a little excluded in a way - but I would have felt excluded from the get go if my guy didn't make it known he wanted me there, etc. I know you are thinking Jean only feels excluded at the last minute - but Jean felt excluded from the beginning when you didn't speak up about it.

 

In the future going forward and to clear up any miscommunication - be clear at what you want. Betty Jean or Jean Valjean wasn't being totally direct, but did make it clear they only could afford one trip. next time let them know what priority you feel is more important and plan things as a couple better

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I am with your SO on this one a little. They told you "if you want me to come on the first, trip, I can't come on the second trip". They didn't say "I can't afford to come to your family trip. have fun and i''ll catch up with you later" The ball was in your court there.

 

If it was a couples trip and you wanted "jean" there, you should have said "I rather you come with me to see my family, and we will go to the Bahamas/China/Fiji or wherever you planned to go on the first trip another time." From my experience, there is a little bit of unspoken pressure in a couple about the significance of being included with family. (ie, if they are noticeably absent when everyone is there as a couple, etc...) Since it was your family trip, it was up to you to prioritize which one was most important for you to have Betty Jean or Jean valjean with you. At that time of discussing the trips, I would have either said that the family trip was more important OR to present the idea AT THAT TIME that you would help them with their airfare and they could pay you back rather than only offering that at the last minute. (or they'd get the next one when you visited their family - whatever). Offering to help at the last minute just causes complications.

 

I would feel a little excluded in a way - but I would have felt excluded from the get go if my guy didn't make it known he wanted me there, etc. I know you are thinking Jean only feels excluded at the last minute - but Jean felt excluded from the beginning when you didn't speak up about it.

 

In the future going forward and to clear up any miscommunication - be clear at what you want. Betty Jean or Jean Valjean wasn't being totally direct, but did make it clear they only could afford one trip. next time let them know what priority you feel is more important and plan things as a couple better

 

Maybe I'm also not doing a good job explaining this.

 

The 1st trip is set in stone. Nearly everything is paid for, with myself covering the majority of the expenses as a gift. This is only between me and SO.

 

The 2nd trip was only finalised today. However, I told my SO about it weeks ago and they said they couldn't afford the 2nd trip. It was only today that as soon as I tell my SO that my family and I have our plans sorted, SO asks "Where do I fit in?" despite saying they couldn't afford it prior.

It is only today that my SO turned around and said "I can go on this trip (2nd) now". but their feelings of exclusion are holding them back. I told SO now they can come, but the fact that I went ahead and planned the trip upset them. How was I supposed to know SO could afford it now? They should have mentioned.

 

I agree with my miscommunication errors and should have directly asked, but I was not aware of my SO's recent change on their financial situation. I also agree with the pressure element from my family and did not consider that.

 

EDIT: Grammar

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Did he say he couldn't afford it but expected you to offer payment? Then, when you did offer payment but on another flight he complained? If I were you, I'd just go on holiday and let him sulk. You offered twice and that's one too many, IMO.

 

You sound like you're being taken advantage of and that you're with someone who you will have a hard time pleasing. Someone who makes you jump through hoops and who is NOT a good communicator. (and here you are being worried that you're not communicating well, humph).

 

If he really wanted to go with you, then the alternate flight would have been accepted. You are already giving a trip as a gift. Just go with your family on this one and forget the manipulation and petulance from your partner.

 

Adding: I'm pretty sure he wanted you to pay when he said he couldn't afford it and when you said he could pay you back in instalments he got all pissy on you. Like I said, it sounds like he's trying to take advantage of you... How long have you been dating?

 

Totally agree!

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