SO is upset that they're not invited to a holiday

[Hollyj]

"Another question: my SO then stated that they will instead go on a holiday in the same location with friends. Should that statement be looked into?"

 

Wow! Talk about manipulation. I'm certain this is not the first time this behavior has come up! Why are you supporting this individual? SO, wanted you to fund the trip, all along. What a big mooch!

[itsallgrand]

I'm having a hard time unravelling the whole thing , but here's the thing. If you go to your SO now and say ' I'm sorry for all the miscommunication. I'm sorry you feel excluded. I want to fix this and get back to us enjoying each other' - something to that effect, but your words. If you do that and SO isn't willing to be rational, try and get communication back on track, etc.-- that's all you need to know right now.

 

Sometimes wires get crossed, people get upset. One thing I've learned is that in a healthy good relationship both people talk - try to work it out.

 

If this becomes WW3, you two have bigger troubles .

[j.man]

Let me throw in my double pronged two cents.

 

I'm about 95% on your side. No grown adult should ever expect to be paid for. I think she's acting like a pretty big baby. She's in no way entitled to go on your family vacations with you, or really any vacation she can't chip in for.

 

THAT SAID, this has me a bit on the fence for the other 5%:

 

Although I never directly asked them to come, I expressed the details of the holiday in hopes that they would say yes.

 

So wage-gap relationships typically are functional in two scenarios:

1. The lesser earner is fine not doing things they can't afford

2. The greater earner is fine completely or partially paying for their partner for the sake of having them along

 

And as viable as both are, I'd venture to guess the majority of successful relationships with such a dynamic almost inevitably end up falling into #2, at least at some point.

 

It's honestly a bit crappy to pitch extravagant details to entice a partner to try and get them to agree to do something you know they'd need to save an extra month for or pay for, disproportionately sacrificing, or have her pay you back in installments for. I have a feeling this might have been a completely different story had you stated simply you were going on a family vacation and not give her a sales pitch she, essentially, could not afford.

 

I think it might advantage you to reevaluate how you treat finances and leisure with a partner who isn't on your income level, for future partners if not this one. Being in a relationship with a pretty heavy income discrepancy myself, I'd be the last person to say you must find someone more financially on your level, but it does sound like someone who can fill those shoes would be exponentially more compatible with you.

[KittyPatroler]

Let me throw in my double pronged two cents.

 

I'm about 95% on your side. No grown adult should ever expect to be paid for. I think she's acting like a pretty big baby. She's in no way entitled to go on your family vacations with you, or really any vacation she can't chip in for.

 

THAT SAID, this has me a bit on the fence for the other 5%:

 

 

 

So wage-gap relationships typically are functional in two scenarios:

1. The lesser earner is fine not doing things they can't afford

2. The greater earner is fine completely or partially paying for their partner for the sake of having them along

 

And as viable as both are, I'd venture to guess the majority of successful relationships with such a dynamic almost inevitably end up falling into #2, at least at some point.

 

It's honestly a bit crappy to pitch extravagant details to entice a partner to try and get them to agree to do something you know they'd need to save an extra month for or pay for, disproportionately sacrificing, or have her pay you back in installments for. I have a feeling this might have been a completely different story had you stated simply you were going on a family vacation and not give her a sales pitch she, essentially, could not afford.

 

I think it might advantage you to reevaluate how you treat finances and leisure with a partner who isn't on your income level, for future partners if not this one. Being in a relationship with a pretty heavy income discrepancy myself, I'd be the last person to say you must find someone more financially on your level, but it does sound like someone who can fill those shoes would be exponentially more compatible with you.

 

I guess you're right. Our income doesn't differ heavily, but SO was out of work for a while and due to other financial emergencies, didn't have much in terms of savings.

 

I should have been more concise and direct in my approach. A part of me knew my SO wasn't going to be able to afford the 2nd holiday when I pitched it, which is probably why I was evading asking a question my SO would inevitably no to. Now that my SO can, the issue was more about not being included with the rest of my family. Even though I didn't know my SO would be able to afford it, I should have asked whilst planning "Do you think with your new job, you can save enough for another holiday?".

 

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely. Much to vague roundabout, wishing, hoping, assuming, etc. In fact this post itself was difficult to get straight. Focus on less ultra passive vagueness (such as 'they' for same sex etc.) Be clear, articulate and factual.

do I need to improve my communication skills? Should I just stop convincing them to come?