(ex)Wife doesn't make sense

My wife left me 2 months ago and took our 1.5 year old toddler.

During an argument, she physically attacked me, I restrained her and held her on the floor, hoping she would calm down. However, she just started screaming offensive profanities. I eventually let her go. She then called her family, told them I beat her, and hence her family then took her away in the middle of the night (while I slept). She took photos of the faint marks on her wrists as some kind of evidence.

I found out she has now rented a new apartment nearby, and is living there with our kid. She might occasionally let me in, but she won’t let me take our kid out to play. And she has blocked me.

I have attempted to reconcile and work things out, and find/get to the root of the problem. However, she is only interested in talking about money, divorce, and finding a better husband. She is 22 and says I don't earn enough to give them a good life.

The only terms she'll agree to, on working things out, are if we continue to live separately and i provide her with 50% of all monthly income. (…. funny based on how she has bragged about being an independent strong mother on her social media).

She refuses to go to counselling (together).

I'm finding it difficult to comprehend this situation reasonably. And get the feeling I am being taken for a ride. Obviously, there must be a lot more to the story, but she won't talk about it.

Can anyone make sense of her true intentions?

Seems like she already told you quite bluntly what you don't yet want to believe. She wants to be single and she wants you to foot her bills like a free ATM.

What was your fight about and how did it come to her physically attacking you? Were you adding fuel to fire or is she bonkers? If she is unstable, then you need to quit talking to her and start talking to a good divorce lawyer. You should also be very concerned for the welfare of your child and do what you can legally to get custody. Which means, don't try to do this by yourself, get expert help and advice and follow it.

what was the argument about, btw?

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it got physical and she was right to leave with your child for her own and the child's safety.

Be careful, she's setting the table for a domestic abuse charge, with excellent evidence and witnesses..Get an attorney asap to discuss that as well as divorce options and child support and visitation/custody. Stop talking to her.

It's never recommended once a domestic violence situation happens to go to joint counselling. Leave her alone and go to court to get proper child visitation things going. Do not show up at her house. Ever. She has all the evidence she needs for a restraining order. Lay low and get an attorney. Only talk through lawyers from now on.

I restrained her and held her on the floor, hoping she would calm down. She then called her family, told them I beat her. She took photos of the faint marks on her wrists as some kind of evidence. she is only interested in talking about money, divorce, and finding a better husband.

The only terms she'll agree to, on working things out, are if we continue to live separately and i provide her with 50% of all monthly income.

it would help to understand what the argument was about.

I had been discontent about her sleeping habits, and the habits of the child. She doesnt have any formal work. She generally stays up until 6am every night.

Sometimes the kid will stay up with her. Sometimes he will sleep much earlier and spend his day roaming around the bedroom alone. There have been times when ive returned home from work to find him playing alone while she slept.

I work days, and had become frustrated with this, because it was seriously affecting my sleep and my performance at work. So, in anger, I criticised her about it. She didn't like it, and flew across the room with her fists aimed at my face.

I have spoken to a few lawyers who claim her "evidence" is worthless (some very very faint marks on her wrists and no signs of friction. I have never once struck her.

Her own family disagrees with what she is doing.

I was (perhaps stupidly) aiming to work things out. Assuming she's not happy with some other issues, ...that we'd hopefully get around to talking about and working out some solutions. For the sake of the child.

There is no way i will meet her narcissistic demands without legal intervention. The lawyers have laughed at her demands.

I wouldn't want to be in an abusive relationship while raising a toddler. I would say it is over. Get a lawyer and try to get your kid. Nothing else matters. She sounds bonkers and it would be best to remove yourself as much as possible from that.

Sounds like you need to do whatever it takes to get full custody of your child. She doesn't sound like a fit mother, unfortunately.

i assume the reversed sleep cycle has been an issue of some duration. how has it been discussed in the past, and how did the both of you suggest it be solved?

i am reminded of a very similar thread. went just like this...for a few pages...then suddenly a point of clarification was asked...and the subject of the thread became a particular poster's teeth. very similar story, and quite as incomplete. i suppose it could be a coincidence. interesting one nevertheless.

you have zero idea why she suddenly went loco?

also, i'm not sure i understand the sleep problem. i mean i understand hers, but why does the child stay up with her? have you tried putting the child to bed as you go to sleep, and if so, did she object, stir the child awake or how the heck is a child awake all night with...well... two adults present there at the time? i agree with you she shouldn't keep him/her up, but obviously, you could tell her you have a problem with her negligence and then just take the child to bed yourself...? just. genuinely confused.

i assume the reversed sleep cycle has been an issue of some duration. how has it been discussed in the past, and how did the both of you suggest it be solved?

Yes, it had been an issue of contention for a while. At the time, she was breastfeeding, and would use this to force him back to sleep as often as possible while he was around her during the day. She refused to setup any routine for him, and preferred he sleep as long as possible when he napped. As a result, by evening time, he was restless and hyper. No amount of cajoling (him to sleep) would work. He would even nap at 10pm when i was aiming to sleep at 11pm.

As a result, i was often going to work having only slept 1-2 hours.

Her inital justification for running away was the accusation of violence. And she tried playing with that for the following month. When I explained and her friends/family started to doubt the plausibility of that, she started looking for smaller pettier reasons, especially my insufficient financial income and the fact she's "not happy".

Her family has told me that these things don't exactly make sense. However, for obvious reasons, they still have her back... which is completely understandable.

I've been trying to be objective, neutral and unbiased about the whole situation. But it seems difficult to get rational and humanistic reasoning from her. Her reasoning is very cold, and its a struggle to comprehend that.

i am reminded of a very similar thread. went just like this...for a few pages...then suddenly a point of clarification was asked...and the subject of the thread became a particular poster's teeth. very similar story, and quite as incomplete. i suppose it could be a coincidence. interesting one nevertheless.

Do you, by any chance, remember the title of this thread? or have a link?

i don't, but maybe Wiseman does, he was there.

to be honest, i said that in jest, although the similarities were real.

the thread was similar in that the onset of the wife's fury seemed sudden and unexpected. "everything was fine! perfect! i have no idea where this came from! why is she doing this to me?!". so for a few pages we were all kinda as mind-ducked as the OP. why would she do that. then someone must have pushed a button asking details about it. the OP kinda lost it, and it became obvious he's not opposed to violence himself, so the "sudden" fury was not so sudden but rather just one of the manifestations of the mutual toxicity and volatility in the relationship, and this or that variety and extent of aggression has been present for quite some time on both sides.

for example, i could *assume* you two had been at war for long enough, since it is requires some well-established animosity between partners for one to just bury their fist in the other's face, for the other to pin one down on the floor, and all because someone messed up the sleeping schedule. it also requires some well-established animosity for one to go "ha, my lawyers laugh in the face of that narcissist"--> i can't imagine such a reaction would be triggered were you genuinely just thinking "what the HECK just happened, why would a spouse with no serious marital problems just effing HIT ME?"

so while i don't know what it was that made you both so combative, i am sure you must have some idea.

she's unemployed and up all nights doing what? is she depressed due to unemployment and suffering insomnia to be up all the time, or is she playing online games/sexting/emotionally cheating with some cyber idiot all night while trying really hard to NOT get herself employed and is that why you were both ready for battle? was the baby up because she always leaves him up all night, or is the baby restless at night keeping her awake also? how does she react when you simply ask, without criticism, "did someone forget to notify me day is the new night or why are you guys always going to bed when i'm getting ready to leave?". do you criticize frequently enough and rudely enough for her to have decided you are being tyrannical and that somehow justifies fist fights according to her?

luckily, her "evidence" is a funny story this time. i would think it safer though to not restrain her physically when you have the option of removing yourself. there's no reason why it wouldn't escalate.

i'm sure there's more you could ask yourself, there must be enough to go on. this didn't come out of nowhere. hence why i'm nagging about the story being incomplete. "i have no idea how it came to this" is usually not true. more likely: it came as early and regularly as the daily newspaper, consistently, and with the seething disgust of Barcelona fans with Real.

and if it's been toxic for long enough, how much could really change, and would it really benefit the kid to stay together?

Yes, it had been an issue of contention for a while. At the time, she was breastfeeding, and would use this to force him back to sleep as often as possible while he was around her during the day. She refused to setup any routine for him, and preferred he sleep as long as possible when he napped. As a result, by evening time, he was restless and hyper. No amount of cajoling (him to sleep) would work. He would even nap at 10pm when i was aiming to sleep at 11pm.

 

As a result, i was often going to work having only slept 1-2 hours.

 

Her inital justification for running away was the accusation of violence. And she tried playing with that for the following month. When I explained and her friends/family started to doubt the plausibility of that, she started looking for smaller pettier reasons, especially my insufficient financial income and the fact she's "not happy".

 

Her family has told me that these things don't exactly make sense. However, for obvious reasons, they still have her back... which is completely understandable.

 

I've been trying to be objective, neutral and unbiased about the whole situation. But it seems difficult to get rational and humanistic reasoning from her. Her reasoning is very cold, and its a struggle to comprehend that.

woops, didn't even see this, sorry.

i agree, that's not making sense.

was she like this before?

did she work before the pregnancy, or has she actively avoided working and hoped to live as a leech? your paycheck is insufficient but she would come back and endure "violence" for just a half of the same paycheck? does she have her own income of any kind, are you handling all the household money exclusively or why is money rubbing her the wrong way?

just opting to "not have to deal with the baby" all day by breastfeeding him to sleep...wow.

i don't, but maybe Wiseman does, he was there.

 

to be honest, i said that in jest, although the similarities were real.

 

the thread was similar in that the onset of the wife's fury seemed sudden and unexpected. "everything was fine! perfect! i have no idea where this came from! why is she doing this to me?!". so for a few pages we were all kinda as mind-ducked as the OP. why would she do that. then someone must have pushed a button asking details about it. the OP kinda lost it, and it became obvious he's not opposed to violence himself, so the "sudden" fury was not so sudden but rather just one of the manifestations of the mutual toxicity and volatility in the relationship, and this or that variety and extent of aggression has been present for quite some time on both sides.

 

for example, i could *assume* you two had been at war for long enough, since it is requires some well-established animosity between partners for one to just bury their fist in the other's face, for the other to pin one down on the floor, and all because someone messed up the sleeping schedule. it also requires some well-established animosity for one to go "ha, my lawyers laugh in the face of that narcissist"--> i can't imagine such a reaction would be triggered were you genuinely just thinking "what the HECK just happened, why would a spouse with no serious marital problems just effing HIT ME?"

 

 

so while i don't know what it was that made you both so combative, i am sure you must have some idea.

 

she's unemployed and up all nights doing what? is she depressed due to unemployment and suffering insomnia to be up all the time, or is she playing online games/sexting/emotionally cheating with some cyber idiot all night while trying really hard to NOT get herself employed and is that why you were both ready for battle? was the baby up because she always leaves him up all night, or is the baby restless at night keeping her awake also? how does she react when you simply ask, without criticism, "did someone forget to notify me day is the new night or why are you guys always going to bed when i'm getting ready to leave?". do you criticize frequently enough and rudely enough for her to have decided you are being tyrannical and that somehow justifies fist fights according to her?

 

luckily, her "evidence" is a funny story this time. i would think it safer though to not restrain her physically when you have the option of removing yourself. there's no reason why it wouldn't escalate.

 

i'm sure there's more you could ask yourself, there must be enough to go on. this didn't come out of nowhere. hence why i'm nagging about the story being incomplete. "i have no idea how it came to this" is usually not true. more likely: it came as early and regularly as the daily newspaper, consistently, and with the seething disgust of Barcelona fans with Real.

 

and if it's been toxic for long enough, how much could really change, and would it really benefit the kid to stay together?

Thanks for sharing this. It helps to see how it may come across (objectively) as a "fly on the wall" (so to speak). And yes, obviously I've made my mistakes, and probably have been a little too critical (I was raised in a very direct and critical environment), as opposed to using tact. Tact can be tough when you're tired and cranky, but this is not a valid excuse.

I am not a violent person at all. And I considered restraint to be perfectly acceptable (So here may lie the problem). If i hadn't pinned her down on the floor, as she tried to shake herself free, i would have gone to work with cuts, bruises and probably a black eye. She moved with speed. So I really don't know how else i could have handled that.

She has attacked me before while I held the baby, again, because i criticized her for neglect. However, in that instance she flew at me from behind, missed me and ended up cutting the baby's face. Obviously, i was fuming, but her immediate concern for the baby pacified me.

She used to stay up all night taking selfies, because she wanted to become an internet star. Some nights she'd work in a bar (but nothing stable/regular) while I stayed home with child. She's also trying to start an online cosmetics shop and might make a little money here and there.

I'd talked about the nocturnal habits with her before, and the detrimental effects on the baby. However, she wasn't even willing to compromise. She just blamed me for failing to get the baby to sleep and that I should sleep elsewhere (which obviously leaves the (hyper) baby without a guardian).

Some of the terms I've used, such as "narcissist" must reflect the embitterment inside. Though, it's been a genuine concern for a year+.

And I am not joking or twisting words, when I say that her own family (and lawyers) have literally LOL'd when I've told them some of her financial demands.

My friends/family are all telling me to get out. But part of me is hoping to resolve these issues via open communication (we never had that many chances to communicate peacefully because of our opposing sleeping habits and my work schedule).

.....and most importantly, avoid tearing a family apart.

omg. this is horrible. yup, i get where "the personality disordered" label came from.

i hope, but doubt you've documented any of this. i think it should be forwarded to authorities, but i doubt it'll work with no hard proof.

ended up cutting the baby's face.

if the kid needed medical help, try to get a copy of the admission form and doctor's notes. if you could at least get that, perhaps next time there is an issue with the child, you can ask social services and CPS for assistance, with proof of previous harm to the child. i see why you'd rather stay in this marriage, than accept that the baby is alone with her. hopefully, you can work out a custody arrangement that is in the child's best interests.

i have no idea what to advise. it's horrible. it is certain though you should continue to work closely with you lawyer.

gawd she could manipulate facts and turn this on you quite disgustingly. glad people have started to see through her. it may come handy legally as well.