Trust Issues

My bf and I have been together almost a year and we fight constantly but have been working on things I thought things were good I know for a fact I keep no secrets and I thought he did the same. Today I woke up and saw he was on snapchat which he told me he does not use and he told me he wasn't on snapchat. I asked him over again until he admitted to being on it and that he goes on to see instagram models but never talks to them. He tells me he didn't tell me because of how i'd react but now I can't bring myself to trust him. If he lies about one thing what makes me think he won't lie about anything else? I just think it's weird he went on while he thought I was asleep. Like he's hiding something.

What are all the fights about? It sounds like you don't get along. Why do you care what social media he's on and what pics he's looking at? Are you going through his phone?

Do you think looking at social media pics of models is cheating? Is he using the pics to masturbate while you are asleep? How is the sex and affection, given the chronic fighting?

My bf and I have been together almost a year and we fight constantly. I asked him over again until he admitted to being on it and that he goes on to see instagram models but never talks to them. He tells me he didn't tell me because of how i'd react

What are all the fights about? It sounds like you don't get along. Why do you care what social media he's on and what pics he's looking at? Are you going through his phone?

 

Do you think looking at social media pics of models is cheating? Is he using the pics to masturbate while you are asleep? How is the sex and affection, given the chronic fighting?

We do get along for the most part. We fight about stupid things like him playing video games too often and him being a jerk when we are arguing. He's not a very compassionate person and i've accepted that it's just who he is as a person and has nothing to do with me I think.

I got upset because he lied to me about being on in the first place. I just dont think he should be hiding anything as my bf. I wouldn't mind if he was honest about what he was doing I don't appreciate being lied to and we talked about wanting to be 100% honest with each other. I don't go through his phone though I just happened to wake up and see he was on it and I saw him quickly close out the app so I found it suspicious.

I dont think hes cheating on me I just dont understand why he wouldnt be honest with me.

The sex is good I would say we have sex an average amount and there is affection although he isnt an affectionate person he does go out of his way to hold my hand or have his hand around me in public because he knows I like affection so theres that. He's not an awful guy im just confused.

Why was his use of Snapchat a question? I'm a little confused. Surely most people use a variety of social apps?

Why was his use of Snapchat a question? I'm a little confused. Surely most people use a variety of social apps?

His snapchat use wouldnt have been an issue but he told me he doesnt use his and when i see him using it he tells me he wasnt using it and then later tells me he does and that he goes on to look at instagram models and he takes the time he thinks i am asleep to do so. I just dont like that he was hiding it, it makes me wonder if hes hiding anything else.

Are you generally an insecure person?

I ask because him hiding the fact that he uses Snapchat could be viewed in a couple ways:

1) If he believes you are insecure and would face a line of questioning over any social media activity, he could be inclined to just lie and say he doesn't use Snapchat to avoid the interrogation that might follow. (Yes, this would a misguided attempt at conflict avoidance, but it's possible that's how he's thinking) It seems you already monitor his social media in a way, if you know what he's liking on Instagram.

2) He's hiding it because there's something he doesn't want you to see on his Snapchat.

I have to admit, your posts are a little confusing. You say that you fight almost constantly but then you change your stance and say you get along for the most part. Which is it? It's not both.

If you're already at this point and it's only been a year, you need to ask yourself if you're really all that compatible.

Are you generally an insecure person?

 

I ask because him hiding the fact that he uses Snapchat could be viewed in a couple ways:

 

1) If he believes you are insecure and would face a line of questioning over any social media activity, he could be inclined to just lie and say he doesn't use Snapchat to avoid the interrogation that might follow. (Yes, this would a misguided attempt at conflict avoidance, but it's possible that's how he's thinking) It seems you already monitor his social media in a way, if you know what he's liking on Instagram.

 

2) He's hiding it because there's something he doesn't want you to see on his Snapchat.

 

I have to admit, your posts are a little confusing. You say that you fight almost constantly but then you change your stance and say you get along for the most part. Which is it? It's not both.

 

If you're already at this point and it's only been a year, you need to ask yourself if you're really all that compatible.

I am insecure but working on it but i dont monitor his social media at all the only thing I have him on is facebook. I actually dont creep on him and I don't know his instagram likes I just know that he was on snapchat following a bunch on instagram models on there and only instagram models not even any friends so its just a fantasy for him.

I was upset not because he was on but because he lied about it even when i asked hi to his face.

We get a long for the most part but when we argue they get out of hand its been good for a few weeks but then we will have a big argument and then usually solve it within that day. We used to fight a lot more I think it was us being used to the idea of being in a relationship since we were single for quite some time before meeting.

See if therapy can help you sort out some things like boundaries. You seem to have this misconception that you need to know and approve of every single thing about him and his every action. Normally you don't monitor a partner 24/7 like an infant..Also you could learn some healthier communication and conflict resolution skills.

Why are you putting so much emphasis on social media? Your boyfriend has eyes, he's going to see photos of other woman one way or the other. It's not cheating and I hope you don't think that. You are being very insecure, it's not healthy. He probably didn't tell you because of your reaction to it. Yes, it's over reacting! I can't imagine if my husband told he doesn't trust me because I look at photos of hot models/actors. Honestly, I would just laugh that off because that is insecurity to another level.

Also, my husband doesn't know most of my social media, nor does he care if I'm on them. Point is, it's not a big deal, don't make a big deal out of nothing. It's too dramatic.

Why are you putting so much emphasis on social media? Your boyfriend has eyes, he's going to see photos of other woman one way or the other. It's not cheating and I hope you don't think that. You are being very insecure, it's not healthy. He probably didn't tell you because of your reaction to it. Yes, it's over reacting! I can't imagine if my husband told he doesn't trust me because I look at photos of hot models/actors. Honestly, I would just laugh that off because that is insecurity to another level.

 

Also, my husband doesn't know most of my social media, nor does he care if I'm on them. Point is, it's not a big deal, don't make a big deal out of nothing. It's too dramatic.

The point im trying to make is that I wasn't mad he had social media or looking at models it was that he kept it from me. Ive never told him not to have female friends, ive never told him that he cant look at other girls. Wouldnt anyone be upset if their partner wasnt honest with them or lied to them?

"I keep no secrets" is a misunderstanding of what honesty and trust look like. It is appropriate to have personal space and personal boundaries. When we make privacy a crime, our partners turn to other outlets to find expression.

White lies are death to a relationship, but the disease is different than you think. Believe that a connection can survive the differences between you. Accept that sometimes you each will be uncomfortable with the other person choices. Seek to understand and affirm.

The perceived need for white lies or other lies fades away.

White lies reflect a limited skill set. Your bf needed to say "Yup, I decided to check out Snapchat for awhile" and let you be to resolve your inner conflicts privately.

You might have said, "Checking out hot women on SnapChat?" Or "I'm insecure about that, but that's my issue. I'm going to read the paper. Let's watch a movie later."

"I keep no secrets" is a misunderstanding of what honesty and trust look like. It is appropriate to have personal space and personal boundaries. When we make privacy a crime, our partners turn to other outlets to find expression.

 

White lies are death to a relationship, but the disease is different than you think. Believe that a connection can survive the differences between you. Accept that sometimes you each will be uncomfortable with the other person choices. Seek to understand and affirm.

 

The perceived need for white lies or other lies fades away.

 

White lies reflect a limited skill set. Your bf needed to say "Yup, I decided to check out Snapchat for awhile" and let you be to resolve your inner conflicts privately.

 

You might have said, "Checking out hot women on SnapChat?" Or "I'm insecure about that, but that's my issue. I'm going to read the paper. Let's watch a movie later."

Yea agreed its not a huge deal that he was on snapchat its pretty stupid to make it a big deal that i dont mind but being honest is important so when I asked him i he was on snapchat and he said no thats what set me off.

Really, just keep playing out these insecurities. Eventually, he'll dump you and you'll be self-motivated to work on it.

If I was you, I would've felt the same, and to be honest, why is your boyfriend looking at models when he has you? You are his girl, he can look at and admire YOU. I understand you are insecure - so am I. But honestly, is this about security, or your boyfriend just being respectful? To me, it's about respect. Would he be okay with you checking out other men?

If I was you, I would've felt the same, and to be honest, why is your boyfriend looking at models when he has you? You are his girl, he can look at and admire YOU. I understand you are insecure - so am I. But honestly, is this about security, or your boyfriend just being respectful? To me, it's about respect. Would he be okay with you checking out other men?

I check out other men all the time. Regardless of if I'm in a relationship. Hot men on a movie? Yes please.

It's normal. He's allowed to think someone else is attractive. You're not the only pretty person in the world.

If I was you, I would've felt the same, and to be honest, why is your boyfriend looking at models when he has you? You are his girl, he can look at and admire YOU. I understand you are insecure - so am I. But honestly, is this about security, or your boyfriend just being respectful? To me, it's about respect. Would he be okay with you checking out other men?

Yea he realizes he shouldnt have lied to me the issue i had wasnt that he was looking at models because honestly i follow attractive men on social media too but i dont keep that a secret from him so i expect the same from him.

Thanks for understanding, Im working on these insecurities its a personal issue that had nothing to do with him to begin with but it does cause me to over think things.

I think its okay to check other people out its natural honestly but dont hide the fact that you are or go beyond just an innocent check out. Thats just my opinion though.

If your bf makes you feel insecure, maybe it is time to let him go and move on.

Yea agreed its not a huge deal that he was on snapchat its pretty stupid to make it a big deal that i dont mind but being honest is important so when I asked him i he was on snapchat and he said no thats what set me off.

I get it. The point is, he didn't feel safe telling you the truth, and he has given up trying to be honest because the conflict has exhausted him.

Why bother asking if he is on Snapchat. You saw it, you knew the answer. You weren't asking a question, really.

I get the trust issue thing. But be careful what you ask for. I know any guy I'm with will check out girls and look at porn probably and do who knows what else. I don't want to know - and not being told isn't explicitly dishonest, it's just a private thing.

Partners don't need to share everything. He may be doing something sketchy on snapchat, or he may be scared of starting a fight.

The point im trying to make is that I wasn't mad he had social media or looking at models it was that he kept it from me. Ive never told him not to have female friends, ive never told him that he cant look at other girls. Wouldnt anyone be upset if their partner wasnt honest with them or lied to them?

The thing is, you are framing this issue in a way that is making hard for you to understand what happened.

When you asked if he was on Snapchat, you knew the answer. It was a test question. It wasn't a light icee of chatter while passing by. It was loaded with meaning most of which was unspoken.

It was that unspoken meaning that motivated your bf to avoid the truth. You both have communication patterns that are indirect, and perfectly suited for one another. Also, ineffective.

I think he's just avoiding conflict. There has probably been fights and this is how he's couping. Hes altering his behavior to please you. He probably views his behavior as not bad at all but knows you will have a problem with it. This can get worse 2 things will happen he will either continue to do so. Or he will break and just say screw the outcome an be extremely blunt. Both outcomes aren't good in my opinion. The best outcome is don't sweat the small stuff. If he was on a dating site or something like that blow up by all means. If he's looking at some pics of woman who cares.

I agree with your point . Its not the actual point that hes on it...its that he told a fib and now ur thinking what else could he lie about... I get it and understand why u would go there in your mind. I to would do the same thing. Has he ever lied before? Id see if this is a major trend with him and then think about that. If you see he has lied here and there u have a good case and this can be his character. Good luck

I think he's just avoiding conflict. There has probably been fights and this is how he's couping. Hes altering his behavior to please you. He probably views his behavior as not bad at all but knows you will have a problem with it. This can get worse 2 things will happen he will either continue to do so. Or he will break and just say screw the outcome an be extremely blunt. Both outcomes aren't good in my opinion. The best outcome is don't sweat the small stuff. If he was on a dating site or something like that blow up by all means. If he's looking at some pics of woman who cares.

This was my sense too.

OP, can you clarify, have you exhibited insecure and jealous behaviour before? Has it led to fighting?

I get the trust issue thing. But be careful what you ask for. I know any guy I'm with will check out girls and look at porn probably and do who knows what else. I don't want to know - and not being told isn't explicitly dishonest, it's just a private thing.

 

Partners don't need to share everything. He may be doing something sketchy on snapchat, or he may be scared of starting a fight.

Yea I get that too the thing I find weird is he just has it for models no friends besides maybe 1 or 2 and he doesnt have me added on it.

This was my sense too.

 

OP, can you clarify, have you exhibited insecure and jealous behaviour before? Has it led to fighting?

I've been jealous before, we both have been. I'm more on the insecure side due to personal issues. Some fights have been caused but at the end id admit im wrong if i were and vice versa. We've never cheated on each other. I don't lie to him or hide anything and id expect the same from him.

Some of our fighting gets more out of hand than it should. But at the end of the day we resolve things for the most part.